Letting Go Without Letting Go

I guess I'm more looking for support than advice here, but I'm ready to *stop* counting calories and stop thinking about food and nutrition and weight.  And it's hard.

I'm 5'2" and about 125-128 (generally a size 6) and I think it's time to stop looking to lose.  Which is something of a misnomer as I never picked a goal weight, never went on a diet.  I don't believe in temporary changes in eating habits.  Basically, I lost 15-20 lbs (these are all approximate as I know myself well enough to know that the scale had to go out the window) over about 15 months mostly through getting in shape and learning to run (I do about 3 miles 5x a week), but also through being more conscious of portion sizes, hidden sugars, whether I was really hungry or not, how much I was eating in a day.  So I think this fear of gaining is mostly paranoia.

I'm having a lot of trouble recognizing that I'm at the weight that's right for me when there's plenty of people at my height who weigh a lot less.  But I have a lot of muscle, a lot of bone... I get HUNGRY.  (the whole 1200 calorie a day thing so many people stick to?  i would spend my day dizzy and non-functional or else just plain asleep on that little)  I think at 100 lbs or even 115 lbs I'd be halfway dead.  It's just hard to recognize that that's my god-given body type and not my laziness that says that.

What I really, really want to do is let go of the constant guilt every time I eat something when I don't know the exact calorie count, every time I have cereal with more than 5g of sugar a serving or eat two slices of toast instead of one.  I want to be able to relax and listen to my body, know that I make generally very healthy choices but that occasional treats are okay and that even without strict control, I will still be okay.

The fact that this scares me, along with noticing that I'll occasionally ignore interesting conversations to try to mentally calculate how much I've eaten today, is what tells me I HAVE to do it.  Does this scare anyone else?

Advice?  Commisseration?  I hope I'm posting this in the right place...

I tried to let go too, and its very hard...so hard that i havent been able to do it yet. But i do know what you are going through, I freak out when my food has more oil than i'm comfortable with and people look at me like im a freak when i tell them i want no butter in my food AT ALL. But lately ive been feeling like this is all getting a bit out of hand. I started to eat less and less and exercise more and more...and seeing my boobs disappear completely!

So in the past few weeks i've tried something new, one day out of the week - usually a weekend - i'll go out to a restuarant and order what i feel like eating...eat it and regret horribly. But when i wake up the next day i realize that i did not gain an ounce (as long as i eat before 7pm otherwise i get bloating..and thats a totally different topic). Altho i feel completely guilty everytime i do this, i've found that i could allow myself to eat things that i want more often; but i also hit the gym a lot. Its a slow process to stop counting calories...you have to take it step by step and i dont think u can ever stop doing it mentally, but at least you wont be obessed over it. Also, going to the gym and knowing that you've gotten your daily exercise helps out a lot A LOT!

I hope you can achieve your goal. Stopping is just like starting, cant expect anything too soon!

Infinityontrial, sorry my post wandered off from what you're talking about, and I didn't mean to push you in the wrong direction.  I identify with you a bit because I'd like to not have to think about counting calories eventually too, or at least think about it less.  Like you, I've never been really overweight.  But I haven't been in the shape I'd like either.  So, for me, I need to be more focused on the counting briefly.  As long as I can remember I've counted haphazardly.  I hope I can stay focused, as I have been since June, and then be "done" in a few months or so.  I'm not sure what being done will mean for me yet.  An ideal of mine is that someday restaurant food would be healthy enough that I could trust it more easily.  I'm thinking especially about the sometimes excessive hidden calories in otherwise apparently healthy dishes, which sounds like what you think about.  In spite of that difficulty, I guess some people probably develop good enough habits that they can eat restaurant food when they want to without knowing quite what's in it, and still compensate the right amount to avoid gaining weight or depriving themselves, all without having to think about it too much.  That sounds like a really tall order for me and I'm not there yet.  But it sounds like you've already developed a lot of good habits.  Good luck with letting go.  I think your posts and the others here will be helpful for me.

I just wanted to update on this... it feels like something has clicked in me and I'm getting on the right track.  Like I'm starting to realize that my desire to work with my body and not against it is a good thing.  And my body?  Does not want me to be a teeny tiny thing.  It wants me to be fit and strong and if it takes eating what someone much taller than me normally would, it's going to demand that.

I've realized that, no,  I was not eating little enough to be doing myself serious damage, and I was eating REALLY healthy.  But even that can cause me to not quite function right.  Fiber may be fabulous, and so may small portions, but 35 grams of fiber in a 1500 calorie diet is a BAD idea.  I've started having more oils, not eating 1-2 large salads a day, but instead mixing my vegetables in with turkey burgers, udon noodles and seitan, whole grain cornbread.  (yes, these are the sort of things I'd been considering delicious but a bit deviant...this is why I was so ready to brush off concerns that I was looking to go back to eating junk.)  I've stopped trying to count calories and instead am trying to concentrate on the feeling of hunger and the feeling of satiety, to learn what I am craving (see foods above... chocolate cravings are rare and I hardly ever crave other unhealthy things... yeah, I'm strange).

It's REALLY hard, but the thing that reassures me is that the bloating I've been feeling for MONTHS seems to be subsiding.  I FEEL better, as if my body can let go of food.  I can't believe I was in starvation mode on the amount I was eating, but it was certainly suboptimal.  Too little fat and possibly too much protein (unless I've done heavy weights, my body seems to function best with a fairly sizeable carb load).  I think my weight is down, too, though that may just be from being less bloated up (yeah, ew, it sucked and it's not perfect but omg the past few days?  sooo much better).

One thing that's helped is trying to focus on my plan to get a trainer when the weather cools off and the idea of working out at the gym on a gorgeous morning isn't a deterrent.  Not to lose weight - but to LIFT weight.  I want to be STRONG.  For some reason, that's my genetic predispotion and I'm trying to remember that it's AWESOME.  Yeah, some people like the super skinny thing, but that'll never be me and I want to be able to run fast and lift heavy things.  I like goals.  And those goals?  They take some serious energy, in the form of mostly-healthy foods (ie, good stuff, but stuff with calories... not just fiber and water).

It's not perfect.  It's terrifying, and there's still some guilt.  There's still the temptation to look at the clock and say "I can't eat now... I just had lunch a couple hours ago."  But I'm getting better at learning to read my body and learning to work with it.  I'm realizing that I CAN'T eat based on calculations and timing.  Eating is sustenance, not a spreadsheet.  I'm getting better at realizing that while my body clings like glue to a set point that may be a bit higher than societally optimal, it's actually a good thing.  I can live on healthy foods, enjoy eating them, eat quite a bit more than most people my height (though sometimes I wonder if the reason so many people here eat so little is because they're weighing less than their bodies want to be), and look and feel seriously fit.

It's not perfect, but that's the point.  In the persuit of my own kind of perfection, I'd lost touch with myself and my strengths. 

Congratulations on figuring this out. I'm still working on it myself, but I'm getting much better with identifying the feeling of fullness.

Thanks, dm84.  You've been a big help, making me realize that I shouldn't be counting calories my entire life.  Maybe it works for some people, but with my OCD tendencies and the fact that eating enough to not spend half the day hungry leads to a basic need that looks scary enough for someone my size, it's a bad idea.  Perhaps if I really did need to lose, or needed to learn good eating habits.  But I'm lucky in that neither is true.  It's just very hard sometimes, in our society, to accept that sometimes you *don't* need to lose weight, and not just because you're severely underweight.

It's very interesting trying to get in touch with my body that way.  I've been doing a lot of eating very slowly and thinking about the taste, the texture, the different levels of flavor in each food I eat.  Realizing that I shouldn't feel guilty for taking pleasure from food.  Trying to remember that food isn't a moral issue and anyone who thinks it is needs to re-examine why they're so focused on it as one.  Also, trying not to push off eating until I'm so hungry I can't concentrate on anything but not shaking anymore.  I feel like since this is probably going to lead me to eat more during the day, less at night, more snacks throughout the day, any caloric increase is probably going be nullified by my metabolism functioning the way it wants to.  Or by getting really buff...

When I had an eating disorder and obsessed about the calories in chewing gum and leafs of lettuce, which was miserable, my nutritionalist and my therapist reccommended this book for me... it was so great. its called intuitive eating, and its all about how to lose weight or maintain weight without dieting or calorie counting.
maybe it could help you?

Intuitive Eating
Evelyn Tribole
www.intuitiveeating.org will give you an idea of what is about, but i suggest the book.

I am sooo going through the same thing!!  I have been diagnosed with OCD tendencies along w depression, and I can't help but always worry about food, calories, and my weight.  I know I've gotten to the point where I shouldn't lose anymore (5'4" and 103 lbs) but I don't know how to stop vigilantly counting cals and just let my body maintain. After months of a 1200 cal diet, I find it painful to eat 1500 cals a day, and then I still lose a little weight bc I overestimate what I eat in the cal counter so that I can see the higher cal number and fool myself that I ate enough to maintain.  I want so badly to stop spending an hour a day looking at nutritional contents and analyzing food, bc it preoccupies me and stresses me out!!

For me at first i found it hard to stop counting every little thing i ate but i'm way better now. I just write down what i eat NO MEASURING NO NOTHING! I'm more concerned now with the nutrition in the foods. I'm eating more high fiber and protein foods.  Calories are a thing of the past for me. I still watch what i eat dont get me wrong. I still dont eat junk food i'm staying well away from that.  It takes a while to get use to. I've been maintaining for a month.