letting HIMself go

Ok, I know this is stereotypically the other way around: The woman lets herself go after shes comfortable in a relationship.. But what about when the DUDE lets himself go??

I've been seeing this guy for only about 4 months now, and he's stopped putting effort into his physical appearance. He NEVER does his hair, whereas when we first starting hanging out, everytime I saw him it was done. He's gained a bit of weight, I'd say about 5-10 lbs. And everytime he comes over he comes in sweats and a old t-shirt. This is all startign now and wasnt like this is the past at all.

I know this means "hes comfortable with me" but I dont need to be shown that through lack of effort for his physical welbeing. Im actually not that attracted to him anymore... Uhg. What do I do? Advice please?

Talk to him about it.

Original Post by jewelsmcblah:

Talk to him about it.

 Im not good with confrontation. That would be the most awkward convo ever!

Yes but it's the only thing that will cause any change for the better.  Be truthful and sincere. 

There is no rule requiring confrontation.  It is not the case that the only way you can make your point is by nagging at him.  Come on, girl, be creative.

Find ways to encourage him.  Tell him how you like to show him off to your friends when he's looking fine.  Praise him and flatter him when he makes the effort.  Seriously, just be nice about it and it doesn't have to come out like you're insulting him.

Leave him a note in his shoe

"You're turning into a slob

Love xoxo <3"

Original Post by lysistrata:

There is no rule requiring confrontation.  It is not the case that the only way you can make your point is by nagging at him.  Come on, girl, be creative.

Find ways to encourage him.  Tell him how you like to show him off to your friends when he's looking fine.  Praise him and flatter him when he makes the effort.  Seriously, just be nice about it and it doesn't have to come out like you're insulting him.

 that's a really good suggestion, like I DO tell him when he looks nice, every single time i compliment him. But i think thats too subtle of a hint that he's just not getting.

Original Post by charleneraymond:

Original Post by lysistrata:

There is no rule requiring confrontation.  It is not the case that the only way you can make your point is by nagging at him.  Come on, girl, be creative.

Find ways to encourage him.  Tell him how you like to show him off to your friends when he's looking fine.  Praise him and flatter him when he makes the effort.  Seriously, just be nice about it and it doesn't have to come out like you're insulting him.

 that's a really good suggestion, like I DO tell him when he looks nice, every single time i compliment him. But i think thats too subtle of a hint that he's just not getting.

I'm sure you can figure out ways to be less subtle. 

Tell him things like "You should do your hair, I love when you do your hair." etc.

Or find reasons for him to look nice.  Say you want to go to the movies or to eat and you want to get a little dressed up.  Then really show him how much you appreciate the effort.  You might even tell him just that.

Guys aren't mind readers, nor are they good hint takers.  They really need to be told point blank, you just need to figure out how to do it in a nice way.  Something like, "I miss the old hair."  Or "I liked those jeans - what happened to them?"

Not a confrontation - an observation, a sharing of ideas.  If it is a confrontation you are doing it wrong.

My husband is guilty of this.  Anytime I want to remember what the guy I married looks like, I set up a dinner date.  He hates those.  When he gets cleaned up I tell him it's been SO long since I've seen him cleaned up, we are going to have to do this more often.  Then I mention once a week.  He's not good at taking hints, so if I just threw him a compliment he would not get it.  I have to put the connection out there for him.  He will avoid dinner dates once a week at all costs...so usually for the next few months he keeps himself clean.  By clean I mean hair cut, shaves daily, and wears cologne.

It's worked for almost seven years.

Why trick someone into doing something when you can just have a conversation about it?

You know I cant say I wasnt guilty of the same thing...I kept piling on the lbs every year I would add 3-5 lbs. 

Now lets get to the real issue - why not say to him "hey honey why dont we take some time and go do (fill in the blank) like we used to do? or if you already arent attracted to him have you already made a decision to write him off?  If you have then cut the string and let him go.

Harsh as it may sound, I think that if he`s a keeper and the relationship is going anywhere,  1. you should be able to openly (but calmly and respectfully) voice your concerns and 2. he should be willing to go the extra mile to reach a place where you are both happy.

Mind you, this should also work the other way around as well. ;)

Original Post by jewelsmcblah:

Why trick someone into doing something when you can just have a conversation about it?

Some people would get their feelings hurt no matter how carefully you approach the topic.  Every situation is different.  I have known my husband since diapers and having a conversation about his appearance would make him insecure.  It would probably cause issues on another level as well because he has never once complained about how I look.  No matter how sick or yucky I have looked or felt, he's always given me compliments on something.  He might also think I needed him to look that way all the time and that isn't the case.  It is nice from time to time, but not necessary.

You know, I'm reading this very different from everyone else, I think.

I think you should dump him, charlene. He's clearly not your kind of guy. You're clearly expecting a guy who is going to pretty himself up for you and he's clearly expecting that once a relationship is going, he can be more himself, more comfortable.

Also, I catch hints of shallowness on your end and a lack of generally caring about apperances on his.

Don't draw this out. Kick him out and go find yourself someone who clearly enjoys staying at that physical peak for you.

Good Luck. You'll need it.

Original Post by hkellick:

You know, I'm reading this very different from everyone else, I think.

I think you should dump him, charlene. He's clearly not your kind of guy. You're clearly expecting a guy who is going to pretty himself up for you and he's clearly expecting that once a relationship is going, he can be more himself, more comfortable.

Also, I catch hints of shallowness on your end and a lack of generally caring about apperances on his.

Don't draw this out. Kick him out and go find yourself someone who clearly enjoys staying at that physical peak for you.

Good Luck. You'll need it.

good effort :-D

Jeez, this thread makes me laugh. If you are afraid to confront him like an adult, then why not leave him a letter somehow. This way he'll confront you. Worked for me in the past, on different things, though. Optimistic way to go about it, if the "feelings" are still there for each other.

Or dump him as Hkellick suggests. Maybe this is a sign. You can't accept your bf for who he is and your bf doesn't care to impress you any longer?? This is pessimistic thinking IMO. Just sayin'...

Original Post by hkellick:

You know, I'm reading this very different from everyone else, I think.

I think you should dump him, charlene. He's clearly not your kind of guy. You're clearly expecting a guy who is going to pretty himself up for you and he's clearly expecting that once a relationship is going, he can be more himself, more comfortable.

Also, I catch hints of shallowness on your end and a lack of generally caring about apperances on his.

Don't draw this out. Kick him out and go find yourself someone who clearly enjoys staying at that physical peak for you.

Good Luck. You'll need it.

I second all sentiments mentioned in this post.  Dump the dude and find a metrosexual to date.

I also don't buy the "his feelings will be hurt" argument.  That argument could be extended to justifying leading one's partner on. 

I find the whole "dropping hints" game to be detrimental, and only self-serving, actually.  I suspect people drop hints just so they can complain to their friends when their partner doesn't pick up on them.

Here's a radical new-age feminist idea:

Why not love him for who he is, and not whether he styles his hair with gel or goes on crash diets?

Actually, scratch that, if your sense of attraction for another person is as shallow as whether they wear "nice clothes to go to movies," then you shouldn't bother with a fat, slob loser, anyway, right?

Would the comments be the same if this was a guy talking about how his girlfriend had let themselves go? Hell no! Everyone would be yelling about what a shallow tosser the OP is. I say what's good for the goose...

I suppose the way you handle it depends on the depth of feeling you have for the person. If you can see yourself in it for the long haul, if you love this person, you will encourage them to take better care of themselves because you want them to be healthy, and attractiveness is a great spin-off of health.

If its a fling based on physical attraction which has now dissipated, don't string the guy along, but also be considerate of the fact that his feelings for you may be deeper than yours for him. And also prepare yourself for the fallout that comes with posting your unflattering description of him on a public forum...your photo is here, people you know know who you are, people you know know who he is, and you have basically subjected him to public humiliation for the crime of getting too comfortable with you.