Would like advice on a delicate situation - Mature Topic

Would like advice on a delicate situation - Mature Topic

I have a very attractive female friend age 30 that's about 13 years younger than I am. We're been friends for over a year. We go out every so often - as activity partners. She's single and says she's not looking for a relationship. She was with prior boyfriend for about three months. The one before that about seven years. We went out several times as friends when she was with the long term boyfriend. I'm single, not in a relationship and not looking for a long term at this point.

She's had a very wild life and has done everything...and I like that. In the past, we'd talk a lot about our relationships with other people etc because it was a friends thing. I'd hear all about the athletic young 20 to 30 year olds she'd pick up etc for fun etc. She was open with me that she'd had over 200 partners. She's shared much of her life's trauma, she says she's told me stuff she she never tells anyone. I've met her roommate and know several of her friends.

When my divorce was going on she was there for me as a great friend. She knows about my taste for thin wild party girls/strippers...she met two that I went out with/date or whatever you want to call it...and gave great advice on both occassions. She's always very upfront and extremely honest. I value her very much as a friend. She's fun to be with because she doesn't have a lot of hang ups about stuff and we talk about stuff openly etc. She's seen me at my most heart broken when the party girl I fell in love with moved away several months ago. She met two of my closest friends.

Now here's the rub, I'm attracted to her - always have been. I'm in fair shape, not the athletic sort she "goes" for. Long time ago, I decided she was just too wild for me lifestyle wise and let go of my idea of getting involved with her. We would be friends that would be it. 

Last weekend, she txt'd wanting to hook up before she went to work - so we did. I think she was a bit lonely and I know she had some stressful events coming up this week. This was the first time she'd been over to my house. It was sort of fun listening to her talk about how the furniture should be arranged differently. I discovered she's very nosey. She had to see everyroom etc. She asked all out family photo's and stuff. Wanted to know what sort of books I was reading she had to check them out etc and tease me about them. Her reaction to the card collection wasn't good, I think that bothered her and suspect she considered leaving. I shouldn't have had that out on the table.

In short, all of that loud assertive high energy woman in charge stuff disappeared in the bedroom. She was very submissive - just as I had expected. I think she was pleased but I had some issues while we were in the act...like getting tired after about 30 minutes. She clearly enjoyed extremely physical sex. We'd rest a bit or change up but she only seemed take pleasure when I was very physical and aggressive with her. So I'd take the lead be the aggressor for a little while then have to rest and start back.

The 200 partner thing keep running thru my mind...and it was our first time...so I had some performance anxiety. I didn't climax and that fact seemed to hurt her feelings. She always been very boastful about pleasing her partners. The issue wasn't her the issue was me. I was tired and need to be in better shape for the sort of work out she likes. I was surprised my energy level ran out with her because it was fine for little stripper chicks in the past.

I called the next day and got voice mail.  We've txt'd a few times. She had a rough day with lawyers and had been asleep resting when I called that evening. The thank you txt surprised me and actually I felt bad. I'm not exactly sure how I should follow up. I value her as a friend and don't want to lose that.

...and I'm still attracted to her...I care about her...and yes I'd like to repeat the weekend again...

I would appreciate advice in how to approach talking with her.

Thank you.

Neither of you want a serious relationship.

You both thought you might turn your friendship into a friend with benefits?

And you're sure that she doesn't have a sexual compulsion/addiction of some kind?

i give up - i'm sorry - i have no advice on this

just in the general sense i would be patient and not seem needy - needy is not appealing

if she's really that good of a friend, then she'll return your call(s)/text(s) eventually, right?

in the mean time - hello cardio! 

(good luck!)

Train, sorry but I cant hold onto info through long posts but if I got this correctly:

• Youve known her for a year during which you shared a lot personally as friends.
• Youve long been attracted to her but not thinking she was your party girl type.
• Your 13 yrs her senior and typically hooks up with young guys for fun.
• She initiated a hookup with you that was a physical work out and youve concerns she took your exhaustion personally.
• Youve both since been in contact by text message.

Hopefully Im not skimming over something significant. Your question being how do you approach her.  I dont know whether your looking for another hookup or more, and that might not be necessary to determine but my thought is you know where youre coming from so first find out where shes at. 

In other words, dont concern yourself with how to approach her and I would do this in person because you want to read on her what she says and her body language. 

Simply ask her what her is her take on the two of you now.
Then listen. 
Ask follow up questions.
Get as much information as you can from how shes feeling.
At that point you can choose to share what you want about what your thoughts are on the two of you.  The both of you can then take it from there.

This is that same chick from before right?

She's 13 years younger than me.

Yes, I'm concerned she took it personal.

I called once and we've txt'd a few times etc. I'm not the sort to call more than about once a week. I hate talking on the phone.

I thought I might stop by where she works (bar and grill) and say hi later this week. I usually go by there about once a week so that's pretty normal.

ignayshus - This is not the same chick as before. That party girl that moved away after getting a better paying job. That one was 17 years younger than me.

Seriously, why? I mean if you just want to bang around that's fine and I could give you my take on how to go about that, but you're asking about to proceed with getting emotionally involved with people that really aren't whole, well that's a entirely different matter.

It's like trying to play baseball with a whiffle-bat and wondering why nothing gets past the pitcher.

This isn't to say these are bad people, but these girls have serious baggage and their ability to have what is considered (imho) a normal relationship is seriously impaired. You're not trying to "fix" these people are you?

I like her and she's fun. My relationship with her hasn't been along the lines of fixing her. Friend with benefits is where I'd like this to be and I'm interested in advice on that. So banging around advice would be great.

Me fix her? No. Only she could fix herself and then only if she wanted too. She has some issues but she's not out of control like the other girl was. She's more responsible than any of the stripper chicks. Knows her limits etc.

Relationship? I'm not about to get emotionally involved to any great degree with my friend. I'm not looking for a long term.

Ah, okay then. What was the thank you text for/about?

Here's a crazy idea.  Just tell her the truth about your feelings.  Let the chips fall.  That is the nature of relationships. 

All I could think through pretty much that whole post was: I really hope you used a condom.  200+ partners is pretty much a guarantee for an STI of some kind. 

If you actually have feelings for this person and you still don't want a relationship, then you should back away from the entire situation.  That's all I've got for you.  You'll get hurt, she'll get hurt.  You'll get herpes.  Etc.

Here's my 2 cents.

The 13 year old dif is no big deal at your age.

The fact that she sought you out for a hook up after being friends for a long time says to me that she's liked you for a long time. She probably loves the whole way you communicate just like you did. She decided to see how things would work out if sex were thrown in.

She might have been a bit disappointed. 200-plus partners, wow, she must have had some range, eh? How can you compete with that? Forget the sex and keep it on a friend level until she's ready for another go. Sorry if that hurts, but she's obviously attracted to you for many reasons. Love grows in many ways :)

All I could think through pretty much that whole post was: I really hope you used a condom.  200+ partners is pretty much a guarantee for an STI of some kind.

That's what I was thinking, too. Ewie eww.

Of course I was safe. BTW when she told me about the 200+ she was like I'm telling you this because I don't think you'll look at me any differently. That seemed to be important to her. My reply was I bet when you have a boyfriend your faithful. I don't look at her differently - I just feel performance anxiety and I know that's my problem not hers.

The thank you txt was for getting together. Seemed weird, maybe scarcastic. Not really sure what tone was intended.

Yes, I have feelings for her. She has a lot of good qualities. She is rough around the edges in some ways but is kind and considerate of others, carries herself well, acts with class, has a sense of humor. Is very honest, reliable, goes to work, pays her own bills etc. I've found her to be trustworthy in the time I've known her and keep the secrets I've shared. She drinks more than I like but doesn't get drunk. I've never see her get out of control etc knows her limits etc. She smokes weed. She's never been in any legal trouble, I ran a little background check etc.

While I'm not seeking a LTR at this point, I do like this person. I like her enough I care about her feelings and would never treat her or any other quailty person that way. In time I might be willing to ease into an LTR but I know there are a lot of potential pit falls and am not eager to rush into anything.

Range indeed. Let's just say she's exqusite in many ways.

Hmmm... That is kind of odd...

It may just be bravado, thanking you for a good time, to display that it was just a fun time to her.

Dunno.

I'd forget about it and just communicate with her as if you'd never had sex. That is to say don't change when and for what reasons you choose to contact her, keep your timing and reasons the same as before the hookup.

Adopt a wait and see approach, imho.

Hmmm...so after 200 partners, she's gotten her act down to laying back and letting the guys do all the work, and she needs exhausting 'jack hammering' to get off. Sounds like the problem WAS her! I mean...it doesn't sound like you had great chemistry simply because it was a little one-sided. After 200 partners, she's probably just bored, like 'I'm just gonna lay back and enjoy the ride'. It's exhausting to have been with that many people. I've been with a fair amount of people and trust me, after a while, it feels almost as boring as masturbation. The only thing that's 'fun' anymore is trying to catch new conquests.

The 'next level' for people like that IS monogamy, because focusing all of your energy on just one person and their many levels and intricacies is even more difficult and rewarding, simultaneously. But that's beyond the point.

All I'm trying to say I suppose is that I think her whole thing (and yours, to a certain extent), was based on ego; sub conciously, you probably wanted to see how you 'measured up' against 200 people; it probably meant a lot to you to be accepted by her sexually. Since she walked away from the experience with less than stellar feelings about herself or you, whichever, you probably feel as if you failed her. You're projecting this onto her by saying you're afraid she feels SHE failed YOU. Which maybe that's the case. If you've been with 200 people, chances are you've got some self esteem issues and you need the people to accept you and give you that sense of self you are after.

In any case, you sound like a sweet guy...don't get involved with her! I know firsthand how these chicks operate!

Sure there is ego involved on both sides of this. It's always nice to be selected as a partner by a very attractive woman but as for meaning a lot to me to get selected - not really because I get attractive partners sometimes still in their mid 20's or late 20's and she knows that.

monogamy - she tried that earlier this year and ended up with a boyfriend that cheated on her and didn't come home for days at a time. She was serious about that one because we didn't go out for a like two months. He was always worried about her cheating. Ironic isn't it that he did exactly what he was worried she'd do.

Yes, I failed to met her needs/wants. She got some pleasure I think because of the way she responded etc but I know I didn't rock her world. Yes, that bothers me because most of the time I please my partner better than I pleased her. I tend to think things would be better next time because in my experience usually the first time can be a little awakward. Anyway, I know I have to get into better shape.

We have chemistry when we go out or hang out we had fun teasing and joking before moving to the bedroom as per normal etc. Of course we usually drink a little when we go out etc and neither of us had had anything to drink that evening.

I appreciate the insights and comments.

BTW - I might be sweet but I'm not NICE...lol