But... It's Like REALLY Noticable...

So... I've lost like 33 lbs since I started dieting (and I'm super stoked about it). People at work keep asking how much I'm gonna drop and everyone's real proud of my progress and have been really, very supportive of me.... except my f-ing boyfriend.

Is it just a straight guy thing to not notice when your woman loses weight? I mean it's not like I lost 5 lbs and am freaking out that he didn't notice. I lost a small child, here... He just keeps wondering why I won't eat pizza with him anymore.

Am I being too touchy about this? I've only ever really hung out with gay guys and stoners, by boyfriend being neither. Gay men will tell you if you gain a pound, and stoners notice nothing. Maybe I should just buy him some weed. At least at that point I wouldn't really think about the fact he's unobservant...

But it's noticable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Partners are in a no-win situation when it comes to weight-issues.  If they complain about eating healthy food at home... they're difficult.  If they start getting us up at 5am to go jogging... they're control-freaks.   If they don't say a thing... they get your response.  If they say 'you look great now you've lost weight'... the come-back is 'so I didn't look great before?'.  If they say.... 'you should lose some weight'... they get frying pans lobbed at them. 

Rather than expecting some kind of telepathy to do the trick, take the straight-line approach and ask him if he thinks you look slimmer.... I'm pretty sure he'll say 'yes'.

I don't think you're being too touchy, he should have noticed!  Moreover, he should be admiring your new small child losing self!  however, some people suck, and some people really just aren't that observant.  Although for the record, when I just saw my gay bf for the first time after I just dropped 35 pounds (and YEAH that's noticeable!) he didn't say a word.  So, I think it just sums up that gay, straight or stoners, boys are stupid.  lol... Although look at it this way: Maybe the fact that your man hasn't noticed how much you've lost means that all he sees is you, and your weight doesn't really factor in. But, that's a chick spin if ever I heard one.  I stick to my initial conclusion, boys are stupid.  

Original Post by aislign:

I stick to my initial conclusion, boys are stupid.  

That's an acceptable answer for me. Hahahaha.

If you guys are intimate or even half-naked around each other....he has noticed. Don't chalk it up to stupidity. My bf gave me a hug after a 9 lb loss and commented about the difference.

Significant others, if they truly care about you, are supposed to be complimentary of your achievements. My current bf is worth his weight in gold, silver and platinum! He tells me how proud of me he is and it just makes me work that much harder to be a stone cold fox and be on his arm.

My EX husband however, couldn't stand any success I made, whether it be weight loss, career, compliments from anyone. It was most obvious when I used to be a journalist and my articles were on the front page everyday and his co-workers would be 'i really liked your wife's latest article...' etc and he would brush them off. Turns out after an entire year, he didn't read a single ONE. It's what I call a narcissistic Pig!

After a few years of this, it broke me down. I lost self confidence; I didn't care about my body anymore. it's only natural for people to seek support/approval from that mate who is supposed to be our knight. And if they can't fulfill their relationship duties, we doubt ourselves.

Also, when you are soul-tied to someone, there are NO excuses for mentioning weight loss being a touchy conversation. Those are boundaries reserved for co-workers, your dry cleaners, mailman and priest.

Trust me..he has noticed. I would suggest evaluating other areas of your relationship where maybe you excel and see if he is ignoring those as well. After that...just scream at him..I'VE BEEN WORKING HARD TO GET THESE RESULTS, AND I LOOK GREAT...DON'T YA THINK?

Just my two cents.

Super fab on your weight loss. You are a stone fox!

Original Post by gi-jane:

Partners are in a no-win situation when it comes to weight-issues. 

I think this is pretty spot on.  Your boyfriend may in fact be oblivious, or he may have figured out that he's going to be hosed no matter what he says.  It's taken my husband just the longest time to figure out that the safe thing to say is "You look so beautiful"  or "I love how you look in that" or whatever.   And it's only been lately (after maintaining a big weight loss for a little over a year) that I've felt comfortable breaking down the weight-loss boundaries and talking about it to him.

Congrats on your weight loss!  You look beautiful!

Original Post by kellyfabulous:

I would suggest evaluating other areas of your relationship where maybe you excel and see if he is ignoring those as well.

Oh I so don't do that anymore... We always end up broken up when I do that. I keep thinking that our relationship should resemble someone else's and then I get upset and we break up and then I realize that our relationship is NOTHING like anyone else's and that's why it works and then we get back together after I've spend like a week in bed eating chocolate frosting out of the can. Lol.

I've already yelled at him... he just stares at me with that "deer in headlights" look and I end up just letting it go. If he were anyone else I'd punch him in the jaw, but he's not just anyone else... Damn him. Hahahaha

Men huh? What do ya do?

Maybe he is expressing it non-verbally? More touchy-feely?

He may be struggling with his own insercurities and is unable to talk to you about your loss. He will come around soon.

I think he's just a moron... But that's just me. Lol. He's not more touchy-feely... He just doesn't care. Lol.

aww honey, I know how you feel. I have been wondering when my bf would say something about the 12lbs I've lost, but he just doesn't seem to want to if he has noticed, and I'm going nuts wondering if all he sees is my smaller boobs reappearing.. But than I realized he must be scared of my reaction, I can be unpredictable and mentioning my weight probably scares him. But jeez, a little encouragement would be nice!

On the other hand, I realize since he started surfing a year ago I have also noticed his body getting stronger and tummy getting super-flat and I realize I never straight-up told him exactly how amazing he looks (and slightly left-behind and tubby that made me feel). I absolutely love his results, but maybe I need to do the same for him and dish out some compliments.

Original Post by aislign:

I don't think you're being too touchy, he should have noticed!  Moreover, he should be admiring your new small child losing self!  however, some people suck, and some people really just aren't that observant.  Although for the record, when I just saw my gay bf for the first time after I just dropped 35 pounds (and YEAH that's noticeable!) he didn't say a word.  So, I think it just sums up that gay, straight or stoners, boys are stupid.  lol... Although look at it this way: Maybe the fact that your man hasn't noticed how much you've lost means that all he sees is you, and your weight doesn't really factor in. But, that's a chick spin if ever I heard one.  I stick to my initial conclusion, boys are stupid.  

Feminism is even stupider. =]

First time I really lost weight when I was with my boyfriend he didn't say anything about it.  He said I looked pretty and all, but never commented on my weight loss.

When I gained some of it back, I told him that I found it harder to continue with my weight loss because he wasn't as supportive as I would've liked him to be.  I said that the fact that he didn't comment on it made me a little bit angry and sad. 

I already knew that he wasn't mad at me for losing weight.  He's at a healthy weight himself (a little too low if you ask me), so he's not threatned by my weight loss.  That made it easier for me to talk to him.

Now that I've lost weight again, one year later, he comments on my weight loss ALL THE TIME.  He really learned from that conversation we had a year ago.  Also, what I find great, is that his comments are specific (your belly looks so slim, your legs are toned, your arms look smaller, etc.), which makes me realize that he REALLY notices it, because he's able to tell specifically where I lost weight or look more toned. 

Communication is key.  =) 

How much time do the two of you spend together?

My boyfriend and see each other everyday. Over the last year I've gained about 15 pounds and he's gained about 50. I didn't notice the change until I looked at past pictures. I didn't notice because I saw him everyday and it was very gradual change.

If he sees you on a regular basis he probably didn't notice.

If it bothers you so much just talk to him about it.

What a good topic!

When I was losing most of my weight (initially, a 45lb weight loss), my guy was very supportive and complimentary.  He didn't talk about it a lot, but he would say 'You've lost weight', 'You look good', but he always made me feel beautiful, even at my heaviest (which was when we got together).  

Now that I'm nearing goal (70lbs down so far, 10/20 to go) that guy that I have a crush on and am really good friends with...hasn't said a word!  I'm down 25 since August, and I can't believe for a moment that he hasn't noticed...everyone else has noticed and people have even commented in front of him.  But from him...nothing, not a word of notice, support, or anything complimentary.

Instead, suddenly, he's started talking about how he things *he* is a 'fatty'!!!  (and he so isn't, but he has a little beer belly...very, very little though, and he's in very good shape)  So, this whole conversation has me really thinking now....hmmmm...I think he could be threatened by my success.

Sami, I'm a bit worried by your comment where you said that evaluating your relationship didn't work with him...it should work if you guys are really good for each other.  Hope I'm not being out of line by suggesting that...

Original Post by samismilexx:

Original Post by kellyfabulous:

I would suggest evaluating other areas of your relationship where maybe you excel and see if he is ignoring those as well.

Oh I so don't do that anymore... We always end up broken up when I do that. I keep thinking that our relationship should resemble someone else's and then I get upset and we break up and then I realize that our relationship is NOTHING like anyone else's and that's why it works and then we get back together after I've spend like a week in bed eating chocolate frosting out of the can. Lol.

I've already yelled at him... he just stares at me with that "deer in headlights" look and I end up just letting it go. If he were anyone else I'd punch him in the jaw, but he's not just anyone else... Damn him. Hahahaha

Forget about your relationship looking like other's; are you getting what you want and need out of your relationship.  Obviously from the lack of support about your weight loss not entirely, but that may be a minor issue to overlook.  Friends and CC can probably provide sufficient support in that arena if everything else is worthwhile.

Cbussiere's got it. Since partners are in a double bind in this kind of situation (I know I'm guilty of both: not feeling complimented enough by my fiance when I lost weight, and then annoyed when he questioned my eating junk food), it could be that they simply don't know what to say that won't get them yelled at. That's corroborated by his deer-in-headlights response: he probably thought he was being loving by not caring how much you weigh, and is taken aback that you didn't feel the same way about it. Calmly telling him what you'd like to hear from him could be the answer.

Original Post by andrea_smith:

If he sees you on a regular basis he probably didn't notice.

 

I think this is pretty spot on -- it is often harder for the people who see us the most to notice any changes.  My (normal weight) bf only finally caught on to my (25 lb) weight loss because he noticed that I was wearing clothing that I hadn't worn in a while because it had been too tight.  For my part, I never notice his weight fluctuations even when co-workers and friends notice.  Just a couple weeks ago I saw a co-worker I hadn't seen in a while and she mentioned that both the bf and myself looked smaller and I was like "what?  he's losing weight too? bastard."

Anyway, I try to take the fact that the bf is not nearly as obsessed with my weight loss as I am (and vice versa) to be a good sign.  It is true that significant others are in a double bind, largely because no one wants to feel as though the affections of a partner are contingent upon the maintenance of a particular weight.  Personally, I would strongly prefer a boyfriend whose level of idiocy varies independently of my weight to a boyfriend whose attentions increased in proportion to my weight loss.

I agree with seeing the boyfriend on a regular basis idea. My boyfriend and I live together and over the last year I've lost 10 lbs and he gained about 25 lbs. He never commented on my loss and I didn't really notice his gain until I looked at pictures from our last Christmas together. THEN I noticed.

 I don't really have anything to add besides the fact that men aren't mind readers and won't say anything that will potentially get them in trouble (if it's a good guy!).

Original Post by gi-jane:

Partners are in a no-win situation when it comes to weight-issues.  If they complain about eating healthy food at home... they're difficult.  If they start getting us up at 5am to go jogging... they're control-freaks.   If they don't say a thing... they get your response.  If they say 'you look great now you've lost weight'... the come-back is 'so I didn't look great before?'.  If they say.... 'you should lose some weight'... they get frying pans lobbed at them. 

Rather than expecting some kind of telepathy to do the trick, take the straight-line approach and ask him if he thinks you look slimmer.... I'm pretty sure he'll say 'yes'.

I agree with gi-jane's answer 100%.

He probably notices but doesn't know what the acceptable way is to comment on it.

I think it's actually really beautiful that he doesn't see your weight

he just sees the woman he loves

this boy is a keeper!!

I know how you feel.  I lost about 15 lbs myself over the past 3 months and my boyfriend didn't say anything about it either.  He knew I was trying to lose weight and I mentioned to him that my clothes fit better but he never said anything about how I lost weight.  I can understand your frustration because you want him to tell you how great you look and make you feel like all your hard work paid off!  The thing is, your boyfriend thought you were sexy before and he probably hasn't noticed because he still thinks you're sexy now.  Boys aren't good at noticing differences such as a different haircut, or losing some weight, or a new pair of shoes, they just aren't very observant.  I also think guys are afraid to say anything at all about our weight because of the stigma that men care too much about how girls look and how much we weigh.  He might not want to say anything about your weight because he's not sure how you will respond.  I also have to agree that its not such a bad thing that your boy isn't weight obsessed.  Don't you think you would be sort of insulted if he was overly excited or supportive of your weight loss?  Try and pay attention to subtle compliments he may be trying to give you like 'you look really sexy today', he may be trying to tell you without being over explicit about your weight loss. 

Hope this helps!!