Is this a line of bull?

I want to believe my dh is a sincere guy and that the years of turmoil are behind us.  But I am not sure what to think.  He seems to have made some changes.  Helping around the house more and that kind of thing.  But he is a master at figuring out how to make me think he is giving me what I want but all the while not actually doing it.  He is king of the mixed message and signal.  So...

The other night I took the last two advil from the kitchen bottle.  He usually does not take that stuff and so it did not seem like a bad thing.  But about 30 seconds later he is looking for advil.  He is pretty surly about not having any in the kitchen so I offered to see if I had some in my purse.  I did - two.  I handed him the tablets and he jerked one out of my hand saying "ONE!  You only need ONE!"

At the time of the incident it was pretty clear to me that he was being a jerk.  But I did not fight about it.  I just shrugged and said nothing.  I gave him a day and then I went back to him and said "The other night your actions upset me.  I really thought you were trying to punish me for taking the last two advil."

He seems so solicitous and nice "oh, I am so sorry.  I never meant to give that impression.  I was really just trying to tell you that I only needed one.  And to let you know I was leaving one for you.  I guess I was still sleepy and it did not come out right."

At first I thought that made sense.  But the more I think about it, the more I think he was just trying to cover his butt for being a jerk. 
He fed me a line of bull and I swallowed it.

If he had only left off the part where he says he was trying to convey that he was  leaving one for me - I would accept the apology. 

What do you all think?

I think you should take people on face-value a little more and stop trying to read between the lines.  You've turned a request for a headache tablet into some major diplomatic incident....  People with headaches tend to be grumpy.   How would you react if it was something really important?

Thats the trouble jane - face value the guy tore my head off when I gave him the tablet.  Face value - he should have just said "thank you"

What I need to know is if his back peddling is sincere and genuine.  Thats not reading between the lines - thats seeking clarity. 

I am not sure how my asking for opinions on his apology has anything to do with me at all.  And certainly has NOTHING to do with how I deal with important things.  Oy - talk about making a mountain out of a mole hill! 

madam-I see it as your husband being a little stressed out. Are there things going on in his life? His job? Finances? Because, really, it was a minor argument over Advil. You did the right thing in confronting him because it bothered you.  I'm like that, I HAVE to let him know that some thing (even minor) upset me. Just let it blow over. Maybe you were both a little stressed at the time... He said he was sorry, too.

Sometimes I get like that with my husband. Sometime he gets like that with me. And we are really struggling financially, so I know he gets a little bit snippy at times. I just blow it off and try to support him if he's in "one of those moods". He snaps out of it quickly. Just forget it ever happened. Times are tough and challenging in this day and age.

It's hard to really understand an issue with just a paragraph or two but based solely on what you said....I would accept his apology at face value.

Maybe he was trying to be both solicitious and nice to show you he cares and wanted to apologize and also was trying to cover his butt because he knew you were still upset by his behavior.  Sometimes we can get complicated like that. 

Whenever my husband and I "fight" over something small it usually means one or the other one of us got sucked up into overreacting because of some past history - old family or old relationship stuff and it's hard to break out of that rut of behaving the same old way.

I'd say he knows he was being a jerk and feels bad now so he's trying to downplay it. 

Obviously you know your husband, I'd say if you are thinking he's acting strange and being kind of shady, there's probably something that made you think that... not just like you are looking for some dramatic underlying meaning in everything he's saying... I dated a guy for over a year who seemed to have similar tendencies...  when you're upset about something he shows you how you just misinterpreted him and he wasn't actually mean, or he just turns it around and makes you feel sorry for him for some stupid thing and you forget what you were mad about in the first place.  I can definitely see how in your advil situation he's just trying to cover his butt.  especially from the part about how he was saving one for you... just sounds like he's trying to make up excuses.

Has your husband been getting enough sleep? Has he been stressed? Have you both been open with eachother, sharing your good times and bad times together?

I am having sleeping troubles, and I have not gotten good sleep in a few weeks. I have noticed that I can get quite snappy to my boyfriend. I hate to make this as an excuse, on top of being stressed, but I truly am not upset with him or our relationship. I know it hurts to be snapped at, but it will benefit both you and your husband if you ask him, calmly and sincerely, if anything is wrong and that you are there for him.

I am not trying to stand up for your husband, I am just trying to say that there are times when people are stressed, and unfortunately, take it out on their loved ones when they have done nothing wrong. When this happens, call him on it firmly but calmly, and tell him that you are there for him. Other than that, it is up to him. Please give us updates, I wish you the best of luck!

I do think he is trying to cover his butt. 

As for stress, he is always stressed.  I have never known him not to be stressed.  But he is not good at taking advice or asking for help.  I dont want to sound cruel.  I have spent 20 years trying to figure him out.  I have read more books on communication than my home town library has even heard of. But he is a bit of a martyr and it bites me in the butt a lot. 

I posted about this on the passive aggressive thread.  Its funny, I have spent all my marriage trying to figure out how to make it work and looking for a label so that I could classify my troubles (and thus deal with them more easily).  I have never found a label until I read about PA.  But now that I have, I am spending my time trying to find all the ways PA is not the problem. 

That's why I posted this thread - what is real?  I dont know. I have never known and don't have any trust.  In me or him.

I would have shown him the bottle where is says you can take two?

Really though, we didn't get to hear your husband's apology, so we can't be sure if it was sincere or not, but it SEEMS sincere from what he said. I'd say, if this is an isolated incident, he probably was sleepy, and he did apologize. If this kind of thing happens a lot, talk to him, or maybe seek some counseling.

I'm not trying to be rude, but it sounds like you're a little paranoid? I get that way too because my husband and i spent the entire first year of our relationship fighting. We're awesome now, but sometimes I overthink things he says because of what has happened in the past. Good luck to you!

He seems so solicitous and nice "oh, I am so sorry.  I never meant to give that impression."

He apologized.

Accept it.

And move on.

Original Post by hayleymajayley:

Obviously you know your husband, I'd say if you are thinking he's acting strange and being kind of shady, there's probably something that made you think that... not just like you are looking for some dramatic underlying meaning in everything he's saying... I dated a guy for over a year who seemed to have similar tendencies...  when you're upset about something he shows you how you just misinterpreted him and he wasn't actually mean, or he just turns it around and makes you feel sorry for him for some stupid thing and you forget what you were mad about in the first place.  I can definitely see how in your advil situation he's just trying to cover his butt.  especially from the part about how he was saving one for you... just sounds like he's trying to make up excuses.

I spent 15 years with a man who did stuff like this. You stated you don't have any trust in him or in you. That is sad and I believe it is an indication that you should leave him. You deserve a life of trust and love. It is hard to move away after so many years. I have felt the misery and fear you feel now.

It has been 9 years since my divorce. The only thing I regret is that I didn't leave him earlier.

Love and light to you Madamq. I'll keep you in my thoughts.