A Little More Sensitivity?

Sorry, but I'm a little worried that people here aren't being as supportive as they should be.  Sure, the vast majority of you are being as helpful as can be, but I just thought there are a few people who don't realize what they're saying is offensive.

Let's think about who comes to this board.  A few of you may be people who are just interested in being healthy and that's great.  A good portion of people on this board, however, have suffered from eating disorders.  I think it's important for people to realize this fact, and be a little more sensitive about it.

For example, someone may come on the board to share their achievement of finally eating 1000 calories in one day.  That person may be immediately attacked for not eating 1200 calories, which then causes that person to become discouraged and go back to even fewer calories.

That's just one example, but there are many more.  Just be aware that for people who have ED's, your words may act as triggers for some not so great habits.

So, please, let's make this board as supportive as possible.

Hey kuddos to you for pointing this out! I think you're right. We could all work harder at just being more sensitive and giving advice in a supportive way. It's all constructive criticism, meant to build people up!

so youre certainly correct in some situations, others, such as eating 1000cals rather than 800, who knows if its true+when it will happen again, does not deserve a congrats! 

EDs are DEADLY DEADLY diseases, that kill, ppl need bluntness to see this through their ED blinders.

I agree that for some, a bit of "tough love" may be necessary.  But as someone who has been terrified of food at one point or another, something like that would have totally made me revert to my old ways.  I also think we underestimate how much people know when they're being unhealthy. I think an anorexic (considering a good deal of them do extensive research on weight loss) would know that 1000 was still too little, and the tough love would be counterproductive.

There was a post further down the board where a former anorexic and binger had said she was proud of eating a full pint of ice cream, fitting it into a healthy cal range with other foods, and not overdoing it.  She was told she was being incredibly unhealthy for consuming so much of her calories from "bad" things, and someone also had the nerve to tell her she had binged.

Baby steps, people.  I don't think any of us started on a weight gain/loss journey knowing everything about healthy eating.  And even for those who know a considerable amount, no one's perfect.

ARE YOU AN ED SUFFERER????

i think if you are not you need to be really careful.

1.i am the one who suggested it may have been a binge. and i have suffered both anorexia and some overeating. and i suggested it because it needed to be said ok. if she is absolutely sure it was not a binge-then fine. but you can slip really easily into binge type behaviours and justify it by sayin "ooh i challenged something really hard". i have been on an eating disorder programme and if i came to group and announced the same thing, everyone -patients and staff- included would have queried me on whether it was bingey or not.

2. to gain access into an AA group you need two requirements 1 sobriety. and 2 a desire to get well. the same sort of law MUST be applied here. if you have a genuine desire to get well there has to be a cut off point in terms of calories. 1200 is the minimum in terms of women and that has to be the number (i guess the site owners and moderators choose it). but if someone isnt prepared to eat 1200 at least then i think it doesnt show a genuine display of 2(the wish to recover). anorexia can be contagious and competitive and i think there is a serious need for close monitoring.

non eating disorder sufferers also get sick of hearing the same moans over and over. the health and support site is not just for ed's. so you can allow them a tone of ire when the majority is taken over by ed threads. i have seen a specific post on another forum on this site bitching about all the ed's here....... and to be honest i agree with it. im sick of being sick and reading about sick all the time.

you will find if you go into most ed units that there is a very "lack of sympathy" attitude there. this is because eating disorders are ruthless diseases. there is a no nonsense kick up the arse attitude needed. and 800 cals up from 400 is not NOT good enough. its not. and to support such a thing is just enabling someone.

look up enabling..... see what it means. and dont be so preachey

I have to say, I agree with fidget.  While rudeness really doesn't do anyone any good, people come on here to get help.  If we say "good job!  You made it to 1000 calories", we're promoting an unhealthy lifestyle.  Yes, it might be healthier then they were before, but there is PLENTY of information on this website that states very clearly that a min of 1200 calories for an adult, sedentary, small woman is crucial.  They know this before they come here congratulating themselves for eating 1000 calories.

Bear in mind, however, that everyone is treated according to the tone of their original post.  A recovering ED sufferer who posts "I'm finally up to 1000 calories from 400, and I know it's not enough, but it's my first step" is going to get a lot more encouragement and cheering on then someone who posts "I know I'm supposed to eat 1200 calories but I just think that's too much for me so I'm going to continue to eat 1000".

The thread you're referring to wasn't a bad thread at all.  The OP was talking about how she allowed herself to eat a pint of ice cream without the normal guilt.  Most people congratulated her on achieving that mindset, but it was pointed out that planning smaller cheat days will prevent such a large amount of cheat food to be eaten in one sitting.  Only one person was slightly negative in that thread, and that was due to a misunderstanding which was corrected.

You must also remember that you might see a thread where the responses to things like "Omg I ate half a burger I'm going to gain so much weight today" aren't as supportive as you might think they should be.  But, this could very well be the 3rd or 4th time this week that the same poster has posted the same rant.  These aren't people who are listening to advice or trying to get better, they're attention seekers.

Harsh?  Yes.  Nesessary?  Sometimes.

All things considered, there is no need to be rude and judgmental. None of us are MDs specializing in eating disorders and what works for one person doesnt always work for another.

I've had an eating disorder all my life. I learned recently (from a specialist) that this is a "soothing" problem, not an eating problem. Research shows that people who compulsively under eat do so out of deep seated fear and a need to feel in control. Overeaters do so out of a similar need to cope. In general, these people are thought to be more sensitive than the norm. How is criticising and chastising the baby steps (also an AA term) in the right direction a good thing?

We do need to be more compassionate. They say you dislike most in others what you dislike most in yourself.

Have a nice day. ")

I agree with some of what your saying.  I am in recovery for anorexia.  I have accepted the fact that many people do not really understand the disease.  They dont know how to act or what to say to help.  They try to help, but its hard to understand how someone with an eating disorder thinks.  They might say something they think will make you feel better, but it has the opposite affect.  For example, older relatives of mine have told me things like Im looking better.  Something like that will make me think "oh I must be gaining weight, better not eat anymore" or they may try to encourage you by saying how great your eating.  That would make me think Im going overboard and eating too much.  Ive accepted that some people can be judgemental, and many mean well, its just hard to understand.

cassie87,

What would you like people to say to you to show their support? Is there anything they could do or say that would help you along or is this something you have to overcome entirely on your own?

Just curious. I think your answers would help others in th same situation....

Thanks ")

ED's are one of the hardest illnesses to recover from. It is possible to recover, but it is very rare and even the strongest person who has recovered will still have draw backs every now and then and will still hold certain habits unintentionally.

Like all addictions which an ED is also one along with an illness you have to show compassion, but also add in some tough love as a form of support for the individual. You can support someone in their efforts, but you can't give in to it like it's nothing either...sometimes you just have to be frank with the situation and show you care for somone, but you aren't going to support their habit much like a recovering alcoholic or any form of self harming towards ones body. That's why there are counseling programs for these individuals who have these types of problems to get advice (which also has a type of tough love.) It's only up to that person if they take that advice and actually do something about it.

I don't mean to sound biotchy here, but in studies this is true when you are underweight it isn't just your pyshical state that is at risk, but also your mind. When you are underweight the chemicals in your brain are not completely together and you are not going to think correctly 100 percent of your time. Your emotions are worn out part of lack of nutrition and the weight your body needs to be at. An ED is very grasping and as many know it is mostly in the mind. You can heal a broken bone, etc..but it takes a long time to heal the mind even if your body is back to standards sometimes it never fully heals. So when these individuals who have an ED post...and you think it sounds utterly ridiculous well to the outside "normal" world it may seem that way, but you aren't going to fully understand it unless you've had the disorder. It can be rather tiring seeing the same posts over and over again dealing with an ED individual, but honestly with this disorder it can not be helped (that's why once again I mention counseling.)

So if they claim they have gotten to 1,000 calories today a regular individual may be rolling their eyes, but honestly it is a big feat for a person with an ED as their mind is telling them it is too much. A person with an ED usually thinks eating over 800 makes them gain 100 pounds over night, but on the contrary with all studies we know this isnt true, but the ED (which is an a mental illness) is telling them different.

It takes a lot of time and patience for the people around the person with the illness, and yeah a bit of it I think is for attention. I can't tell you how many times I've heard a person with an ED say "If I didn't have this ED, then I would be like everyone else and no longer special" well we know that thinking is flawed, but it proves the attention seeking part. Obviously it doesn't deal with food and is something very personal in their lives they need to work on and should seek help for to learn they dont have to hide behind their disorders to be special as every individual is. They just have to go through some therapy to learn this and it will take a long time or maybe short time it depends on the person.

I think it was really crappy to insult a person who was proud of eating a pint of ice cream...that is a GREAT thing that they did as ice cream is usually labeled as a "fear food." Eating a fear food is actually a great step into recovery. It's not good to binge I admit, but eating a pint once in awhile is certainly not a problem. Hell, when  I relapsed into my ED for a second time I was determined not to end up back in the hospital and I did binge (that is a whole other disorder all together that you have to be careful of getting.) but if you can get a good handle on it and do it wisely it isn't a bad thing as long as that person isnt purging as well.

All I have to say is if you have a problem with these posts and get snappy on the subject..well then there is one easy thing you can simply do. DO NOT LOOK AT THE POST. That would be a great starter for yourselve not to get peeved.

I think what it really comes down to is that everyone is different, and needs a different approach.  One person might respond better to tough love, and being too "nice" is enabling.  But the next person might need more encouragement, and being too tough could send them back into a previous pattern.

We could say nothing at all, just to be safe, but that would defeat the purpose of a forum.  We all run this risk when we post on here, not just ED recoveriers - I've seen many other posts about other topics with both supportive and harsh comments.

Bottom line, if you're going to air your personal problems in a public forum, you have to at least be prepared to hear some things you might not like.

However, I'd like to state again for the record, I still don't condone rudeness lol.

Original Post by fidget84:

ARE YOU AN ED SUFFERER????

i think if you are not you need to be really careful.

1.i am the one who suggested it may have been a binge. and i have suffered both anorexia and some overeating. and i suggested it because it needed to be said ok. if she is absolutely sure it was not a binge-then fine. but you can slip really easily into binge type behaviours and justify it by sayin "ooh i challenged something really hard". i have been on an eating disorder programme and if i came to group and announced the same thing, everyone -patients and staff- included would have queried me on whether it was bingey or not.

2. to gain access into an AA group you need two requirements 1 sobriety. and 2 a desire to get well. the same sort of law MUST be applied here. if you have a genuine desire to get well there has to be a cut off point in terms of calories. 1200 is the minimum in terms of women and that has to be the number (i guess the site owners and moderators choose it). but if someone isnt prepared to eat 1200 at least then i think it doesnt show a genuine display of 2(the wish to recover). anorexia can be contagious and competitive and i think there is a serious need for close monitoring.

non eating disorder sufferers also get sick of hearing the same moans over and over. the health and support site is not just for ed's. so you can allow them a tone of ire when the majority is taken over by ed threads. i have seen a specific post on another forum on this site bitching about all the ed's here....... and to be honest i agree with it. im sick of being sick and reading about sick all the time.

you will find if you go into most ed units that there is a very "lack of sympathy" attitude there. this is because eating disorders are ruthless diseases. there is a no nonsense kick up the arse attitude needed. and 800 cals up from 400 is not NOT good enough. its not. and to support such a thing is just enabling someone.

look up enabling..... see what it means. and dont be so preachey

 Am I an ED sufferer?  Yes.  Been through anorexia, binge eating, and bulimia.  So I guess it's just a difference of opinion.

yeah-i guess. and i difference of personality....

i read through all the posts. i with them with objectivity, and found them to be sincere and heartfelt. i suppose though what works for me wont work for everyone. and i respect that some ppl work well under a soft hand. i didnt though and i still dont. if i give me eating disorder half and inch then it will take a marathon from me and those around me.

if everything works out ok for the icecream poster laydee then i am truly happy for her and her deserved peace of mind. i did not insult her BUT i did ask her to  question her behaviour. thats all. to make sure another problem doesnt lay its foundations.

like some one posted above. it is rare and tremendously difficult to recover totally from eating disorders. they tend to return in many ways.....

thats all

And also, I just wanted to say, I didn't mean this to turn into a controversy itself.  I just wanted to say that as someone who has an ED, I found it a little triggering.

Love and support from friends and family is what has brought me through the hardest times with my ED, and I can just hope that other ED sufferers can find that same support as well.

I dont know why but I always get such negative feedback/vibe from you fidget. No offense. I feel like your always questioning people and their intentions instead of other more positive things. Yes Im the ice cream post laydee, as you say, and I did feel insulted at the fact that you said that it was a binge. You didnt say to question what my intentiosn were, you were clearly saying that you thought I was justifying my binge with the "I beat my eating disorder" thing. I foudn that very insulting, as you were not in my shoes when that happened. I've always been an extremely honest person, even with myself, and even when I was undereating or binging, I was the first one to recognize it and fight agaisnt it for my own good. I've been in recovery on my own, no professionals, no support groups, so I dont appreciate comments that deny my progress. I've struggled a lot and I've workd real hard all by my own and thast something a lot of people dont think abotu when it comes to ED's. No one takes in consideration how much it takes to get over one, and more knowing that you've gone through an ED yourself it surprises me.

ah wtvr, I dont care really and I dont feel angry about it now, but at the moment it did raise a lot of eyebrows, specialy mine.

I agree that sometimes there is a need to be tough with people who suffer from EDs, but thats not the case most of the times.  There's always the need to read the thread itself completely, because as said in a previous post...if a girl posts something like "Im up to 1,000 calories daily from a 300 cal intake, i know its not enough but I do plan on eating more and this is just a first step into my recovery" there will be a lot of words of encouragement as well as advice and support on upping her calories as soon as she can. But ofcourse like one of the threads that was once posted in the weight loss forum that said "I just ate one and a half scoops of GREEN TEA ice cream and I Want to die" the replies this girl is crearly gonna get are somewhat negative, some tough and to the point, and others of encouragement to not worry, because it doesnt even sum up to 100 calories. It is clearly stated by a lot of professionals that the best way to approach a person with an eating disorder is not through a tough actitude, but to put yourself in their shoes, and try feelign what they feel, as well as being understanding and caring, and letting them know that you are there to help them, through whatever they need.

I can tell you...I've had both ends....the tough and the supportive. My boyfriend screams at me and is tough as hell when it comes to my ED....what does it make me feel? Like he knows **** about what I feel, and I could care less what he thinks. I come here and I get the support I need from former anorexics and bulimics who have recovered or are almost completely recovered and I Feel like I can go on another day without feeling anger in me or anxiety (like what happens with my boyfriend).

Anorexia is contagious, that depends on the person ENTIRELY. I know of many people who are a bit above their normal BMI's and could care LESS about appearance and live their life to the fullest. Example # 1, my mother. 

Also if a non eatind disordered person was to bitch about ED threads what would they get as a reply? Well dont read those. You dont HAVE to read all the ED posts that are around, or do you? If you do and you get annoyed by them, than you're just being a masochist in my opinion. Plus, if they are not promoting unhealthy strategies to lose weight then why cant they post to find support here? I think thats a bit unfair becuase people who are trying to get healthy have the same rights to post a thread as much as someone who is healthy.

Everybody knows whats good for them...it takes patience, both to recover and to help a person recovering, which is not an easy task, but coming here and throwing around words, being tough, or speculating agaisnt someone who had a pint of ice cream is almost never of big help.

JUST an opinion.

None of us can fully understand what one person's battle is with their body and mind. I think we all have different eating habits which sometimes get classified as an ED. If you are throwing your food up on purpose or taking things to make yourself go to the bathroom alot......I agree that is a problem that needs help but maybe those people are getting the wrong kind of help. I think most of our bad eating habits are stemming from lack of self esteem and bad body image. Women are pressured more and more to be slim, fit, toned, firm, tan, nice big boobs (no drooping), a nice firm butt, and more. Growing up we didn't have this pressure like today. We also didn't have Internet either and TV wasn't so focused mainly on looks. Plastic surgery wasn't too common either or advertised/focused on like today.  As a teenager me and the young women I knew we were not concerned with weight and body image too much. It was very rare to hear of someone having and ED and if someone did, it was a very serious phycho logical problem that required medical help and most likely does not ever make a full recovery.  I agree we need to be sensitive towards everyone and their feelings but I really don't believe so many people have ED's but low self esteem and bad body image that leads to extreme dieting and unhealthy living. Unfortunately it is becoming harder and harder to help this problem and make people believe that the way they look is just fine and to not compare themselves with others or that they have to look a certain way to be accepted and feel good. The pressure is affecting everyone of all ages and we all need to be supportive to each other.

Original Post by petitechick:

 The pressure is affecting everyone of all ages and we all need to be supportive to each other.

exactly.

Though I don't condone rudeness or insensitivity, I partly agree with fidget. There is a huge difference between sensitivity and enabling. And not pointing out the obvious problem with still not consuming at least 1000 calories a day is enabling.

However, I think that tough criticisms can also cross the line. Especially when it comes from someone who thinks that there is only one path to recovery. I'm a recovering bulimic who has also suffered through bouts of anorexia over the years. The doctors and therapy never helped me, because my problem is my own, and the textbooks they depend on are not an easy diagram to my disorder.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that people are all different, and what one person may call a binge may be a triumph over irrational anxieties in another. The rigid belief system a recovered ed patient may have as a result of years spent in clinics or therapy won't always be a rational response when it comes to other people, just as how a non-ed person may make an insensitive remark without realizing to someone currently struggling.

Anyway. This isn't even about eating disorders specifically. People should just refrain from being rude in general. I mean, eating and exercise habits are very personal, and when doling out constructive criticism, one should be sure to handle the situation with finesse. You wouldn't tell a stranger on the street that all that ice cream is going straight to their thighs, would you? Or that those measly carrot sticks are a cry for help?

cindolin I agree, every person is different, thus why we should always refrain from speculating and being rude towards people in general. This is an issue here in CC that Ive seen happen way too often. People wont change, so in the end the debate may go on for days and days without a real cause, but to argue (which is something I personaly despise).

I guess that what Im trying to say is that no one should be rude, it does help some people to be harsh, but for the majority this is not the case. Isnt it best to just avoid any hurt feelings since a beginning rather than throwing up words without thinking it twice?

again just a thought.

Every person is different.  That's why I think you'll find that the biggest recommendation across the board if you have an eating disorder of any variety is to get help in your real life.  Internet posters cannot see you, cannot see how their tone and suggestions actually effect you.

Internet posters may or may not care about you and your health and may or may not have any expertise in the area that you need...sometimes real life is a bit of a crap shoot too, but you do have framed diplomas on the wall to see and malpractice insurance if they're really bad.

I personally tend to go with the kinder and gentler method, but it's not for everyone...until you're in violation of the posting guidelines, the moderators are not going to step in.  If you feel a post is in violation, please flag it to bring it to our attention.

i'm just going to say this.  i agree with what fidget is trying to say, but i also understand the sensitivity subject.  the only thing we can all agree on is everyone is dfferent.  if we're going to put out our eating behaviors (whether they be successes or setbacks), we must be prepared to hear all sides.

i agree that telling an anorexic he or she just binged is inappropriate, but everyone is entitled to his or her opinion.  there's no need for anyone to get angry.  there are still people out there that believe ED is just simply a choice, so if you're going to put something out there, be prepared.  just like when people post personal situations but only want to hear what they want...its impossible.  lets just take people's opinions not as an attack but as a personal opinion.