"Loaded" Language-please help

I need help with determining what constitutes as "loaded language".  My girlfriend accuses me of this a lot and has asked me to refrain from using it.  I'm thinking that she's hallucinating but I want to figure this out with some more help. 

I can give some examples but it might get confusing. The point is she has asked me to refrain from words like "lie", "accusation" because they are "loaded" or "judgemental".

Does loaded language also refer to expressions like "verbal slap in the face"? 

She uses a lot of references to violence and trauma and it really freaks me out.  She insists it's not due to PTSD rather her expertise in recognizing violence. 

Help me please.  I'm a very literal thinker and speaker and use dictionary definitions in my speech all the time.  I'm being told that it's wrong.

i'm sorry i have no clue, but it kind of sounds to me like she expects you to telepathically import her professional loaded language database. my first instinct would be that she needs to lighten up, gut tells me shes trippin, but then i dont really understand what exactly you say that invokes her reaction. sounds like you have no clue either but are sincerely trying. :(l)

girlfriend as in friend or girlfriend as in lover?

what she is saying comes from some forms of therapy and communication therapy for couples-- but im guessing that we are missing part of the story here-- we need context.  I mean here are the examples:

"I think its a lie that Michael Jackson was not an addict."

"Shut up!  You are totally lying-- he so did not check you out!"

"You lie to me all the time about what you are thinking."

Its all in how the words are being used-- and the situation.  Connotation is important (the feeling behind the word vs the dictionary definition) but it sounds like your gf is having a bit of hyper-protective issue....

What a load of crap.

Personally, I'd be telling her to lighten up or I'd be "unloading" her as a friend!

Loaded language is a rhetorical tool.  The point is that it expresses ideas in a way that persuades the listener based on implicit emotional responses or judgments instead of the actual content of the words.  It's used a lot in political speech and is closely related to euphemisms.

Examples:

Deadbeat dad vs. financially burdened father

Torture vs. enhanced interrogation techniques

socialized medicine vs. universal health care

sex offender vs. someone who was convicted of a crime that had some connection, possibly remote, to nudity or sex

criminal vs. accused

People who are really good at using loaded language can make very persuasive arguments just by framing the issues in a way that implicitly evokes the response you want.  Want people to oppose something?  Call it something scary or disgusting.  Want people to not worry about something bad?  Color it in the most flattering way possible.  Food companies are especially good at the latter.

If you're a natural at loading your language, maybe you should consider a political career! 

 

Any word or phrase can be taken as "loaded" or emotion based depending on the interpretation, personality, and personal experiences of the person listening to you.

What do you know about her background that could make her so sensitive to words like "lie", "accusation", and "slap"?  

I, obviously have no clues, but my first thought is that a person who has lived in an abusive situation at any point in their life may have very touchy feeling when confrontational phrases come up.   

Original Post by mrsdagle:

I need help with determining what constitutes as "loaded language".  My girlfriend accuses me of this a lot and has asked me to refrain from using it.  I'm thinking that she's hallucinating but I want to figure this out with some more help. 

I can give some examples but it might get confusing. The point is she has asked me to refrain from words like "lie", "accusation" because they are "loaded" or "judgemental".

Does loaded language also refer to expressions like "verbal slap in the face"? 

She uses a lot of references to violence and trauma and it really freaks me out.  She insists it's not due to PTSD rather her expertise in recognizing violence. 

Help me please.  I'm a very literal thinker and speaker and use dictionary definitions in my speech all the time.  I'm being told that it's wrong.

 

language can be loaded in lots of different ways.  it's often about connotation, but it also implies morality.  it limits the range of appropriate responses.

to use an example that has arisen around here: the word "should" is loaded.  there's a moral implication in there; you should, and if you don't, you're wrong (maybe even bad).

questions can be loaded; there's usually only one "right" answer.  consider this one: you're not really going to eat that, are you?  it's pretty hard to say "yes" in response to that, because it's obviously the wrong answer.

ooh - right and wrong: definitely loaded.  they're absolutes. 

some more absolutes: always and never.  as in, "you always do that."  not only are these loaded, they're usually inaccurate.

another, more subtle one: but.  when people use the word but, it often negates whatever they said before the but.  ex: I love you, but...

doesn't really matter what come next, does it?  because as soon as someone says "but," the first part is diminished.

there are plenty of examples.  you probably need to talk to your girlfriend about how your choice of words affects her to understand what she's talking about.

Thanks, I understand those examples and I don't use them in theses talks. Latest example; she listed about 3 things I do that doesn't like. the truth is that I didn't do them. I called those accusations. she said that was a loaded term and needed to stop using it. She immediately then said it was like a verbal slap in the face. Another example is that she has a habit of changing her stories. she stated that she wanted to move in with me within the year. she later stated that she was dishonest (her word) and she never intended to move in that soon. I then referred to that as a lie. She says she isn't a liar and objects to me using the word lie. she has changed a lot of her stories and this is a current issue I have with continuing our relationship.

she sounds like a nutbar.

'Loaded' often means 'trick question'.  In the famous example of  "are you still beating your wife?"...  the person answering will look bad whether they answer yes or no. 

'Judgemental' means expressing your opinion but leaving no room for discussion. "The war in Iraq is wrong" (non-judgemental)  "The stupid war in Iraq is wrong" (judgemental)

However, looking at your examples above I think 'judgemental' or 'loaded' is just because you are calling it straight and you're hitting a raw nerve.  A 'lie' is a perfectly good way to describe a promise that was deliberately untrue.  I'm sure she'd rationalised it differently to herself in the meantime...

If I've found one thing in life is that it's quicker (if sometimes a little more painful) to say it straight than to waste time treading on eggshells second-guessing how the other person is going to react.  

in this context, "accusation" doesnt sound loaded, just honest. i think its her way of throwing the fault or blame back on you. is this perhaps her preferred diversionary tactic?

these are your word choices. she needs to just deal with the fact that they represent truth and yes, criticism, and not try to spin things so that its all about your word choices.

life is short. dont settle for someone who tries to manipulate you into thinking you are the bad guy. i bet you deserve better than that, don't you?

 

Again, thanks. y'all are confirming my suspicions. It gets weirder. She is the one who makes references to violence. one time she started an argument and then said she didn't want to talk about it anymore. She cut me off early and walked off. I followed her and continued-I was very upset. She later said that my continuing made her feel raped. she has defended that reference. I have been in verbal fights and I have been raped, I would never compare the two.

I think ultimately, I don't trust my BS detector. Then, I don't follow through with it.

Original Post by mrsdagle:

Again, thanks. y'all are confirming my suspicions. It gets weirder. She is the one who makes references to violence. one time she started an argument and then said she didn't want to talk about it anymore. She cut me off early and walked off. I followed her and continued-I was very upset. She later said that my continuing made her feel raped. she has defended that reference. I have been in verbal fights and I have been raped, I would never compare the two.

I think ultimately, I don't trust my BS detector. Then, I don't follow through with it.

 Yikes. Sounds like she is the one using loaded language!

Original Post by watergirl:

life is short. dont settle for someone who tries to manipulate you into thinking you are the bad guy. i bet you deserve better than that, don't you?

 

 Yep.

So make it worth it!

If there is any point in maintaining this relationship here are a couple survival strategies that might work.  Instead of giving something a name, i.e. lie, exaggeration, etc. describe the feeling or situation as in 'I don't feel I'm doing that' or 'that's not my impression.'  

 Also if somebody uses terminology which may frankly be offensive as in saying she feels raped a paraphrase might be helpful.  An example would be a supervisor of mine, a social worker for heaven's sake! would say when a client was not cooperating with my requests " Bring her in and slap her around a bit."  I would respond with " You mean argue with her assertively?"   Maybe describe your friend's accusations in more realistic language that might be closer to the situation you perceive.

Original Post by mrsdagle:

my continuing made her feel raped. 

That's just self-centred hyperbole - over dramatising for effect - emotional blackmail.  These people are what I call 'Masters of the Me-Niverse'.  Every situation skillfully brought around to be an attack on them, their feelings and reinforcing their sense of injustice.   It's all designed to make you feel sorry for them and guilty about upsetting them.  Next time it happens, take a mental step back and see how it works... its quite an art.

I used to be married to a man that could apply this technique to even the most innocent discussion.... even when it was something entirely non-controversial or nothing to do with him!  I say 'used to be' because it eventually made me pretty ill constantly shoring up his massive insecurities and worrying if he was happy.

Switch the BS monitor back on and the scales will fall from your eyes.  Good luck

Hyperbole, yes.  But she continues to defend her use of violence references.  When I ask questions she says I interrogated her. When I say that she accused me of something, she says that's like a verbal slap in the face. She uses phrases and terms like "I felt threatened", "cornered", "I had no choice". 

 

Of course she'll defend it... she's using it to make a point and to achieve an objective which is to wrong-foot you.  And it's working, by the sound of it.  You're now worrying more about your choice of words than tackling the issue at hand.   It's a great deflection tactic... playing the man and not the ball.

Next time it happens, avod getting dragged into the wordplay and bring the conversation back round to the subject proper.

Original Post by pgeorgian:

she sounds like a nutbar.

 this.

Original Post by mrsdagle:

Hyperbole, yes.  But she continues to defend her use of violence references.  When I ask questions she says I interrogated her. When I say that she accused me of something, she says that's like a verbal slap in the face. She uses phrases and terms like "I felt threatened", "cornered", "I had no choice". 

From the examples you've given, she's the one using loaded language.

As Jane said: "You're now worrying more about your choice of words than tackling the issue at hand."

My take - she's manipulating you. And in the words of Ann Landers: "Are you better off with or without her?"

dump her. you can do better.