In long term relationship but having sexual fantasies about another guy..

Here's the deal, I have been dating my bf for a little over a year now. I love him to pieces and we are even moving in together within the next month. We have a very healthy relationship and there are no problems with the sex department... HOWEVER, just recently I have developed a huge crush on one of my co workers. I didn't plan on it but it just  happened. I am very attracted to him and there is definitely chemistry. I am not a person that would ever cheat on someone so I have been avoiding this co worker and focusing my thoughts towards my boyfriend. I don't want to leave my boyfriend, I just want this silly crush to go away. But lately I have been having sexual fantasies about the other guy.  :( It's only happened twice but it's really disturbing. I wake up and I feel extremely guilty. Anyone experience this or know how to shake it. The only guy I want to dream about is my boyfriend. Thanks!

TOTALLY HEALTHY!!!  I've been with my guy for almost 7 years and I've had crushes as well.  Being attracted to other people isn't bad if you're not acting on it.  You're still human, after all, even if you ARE part of a couple.  Don't worry about it, unless you get to the point where you'd rather fantasize about your crush than do anything sexual with your BF....although I doubt that will happen.  Since this crush is pretty new, it will most likely fade with time.

Original Post by lisarose7:

TOTALLY HEALTHY!!!  I've been with my guy for almost 7 years and I've had crushes as well.  Being attracted to other people isn't bad if you're not acting on it.  You're still human, after all, even if you ARE part of a couple.  Don't worry about it, unless you get to the point where you'd rather fantasize about your crush than do anything sexual with your BF....although I doubt that will happen.  Since this crush is pretty new, it will most likely fade with time.

agreed.

hi. well i think you first need to start looking inside yourself. What is missing in your life? Does the moving together thing is scaring you and you need some non-commitment sexual relationship witha guy who doesn' represent the same things as your boyfriend? maybe need to spice the things a little bit at home and look for new things or the old good things that you two used to do in the past. I bet you your co worker its not THE hottest guy ever,  the no women can resist his eyes kind of guy, so it is happening right now for some other reason. The same thing you are trying to do now like avoiding him, its the same thing  you are doing with other stuff you cant manage: avoiding them, and trying to keep everything normal, without conflict. Girl the news is you have a conflict about something deeper and your subconscient is just not happy with it. Don't be afraid, take a look inside and you will feel better. 

michel

Totally normal.  Doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong.  Just keep it as a fantasy.

Original Post by elmich:

hi. well i think you first need to start looking inside yourself. What is missing in your life? Does the moving together thing is scaring you and you need some non-commitment sexual relationship witha guy who doesn' represent the same things as your boyfriend? maybe need to spice the things a little bit at home and look for new things or the old good things that you two used to do in the past. I bet you your co worker its not THE hottest guy ever,  the no women can resist his eyes kind of guy, so it is happening right now for some other reason. The same thing you are trying to do now like avoiding him, its the same thing  you are doing with other stuff you cant manage: avoiding them, and trying to keep everything normal, without conflict. Girl the news is you have a conflict about something deeper and your subconscient is just not happy with it. Don't be afraid, take a look inside and you will feel better. 

michel

I'm not going to lie, I am a little scared to move in with him but it's what I want. The timing is odd, however... that I start to notice another guy right before I move in with him. This thought has crossed my mind. It makes me wonder if deep down, i'm scared of such commitment.

it is indeed a big step, and its normal to have doubts and cross feelings . While you are dealing with this, your mind tries to found the exit, an easy, not pain full, stress free answer. That's why this came out in dreams, fantasies etc. cause its there. Don't judge yourself, this is no matter of do or do not the right thing, this is about what you really want, your fears, your feelings, your strongest and weakest points. So this is about you, not other handsome guy or the fact about having fantasies, there's nothing wrong with fantasies, the thing is to actually discover whats behind in all this.

Michel

ask him if you can post-pone moving in??

maybe say simply you are having commitment issues or want to feel stronger/ more confident about things before the next step. if you love each other as much as you say, he'll understand even if you dont want to be completely open (which i would with my bf of 4 years)

I married my guy after 6 years of dating and the first year married, I got pretty infatuated with a co-worker that was  20 years younger, screwed up and entertaining.  Not someone I would have pursued at all as a single person.  Anyway, I know it was a way of dealing with my fears of "being stuck," wanting to stay free and young, whatever.  My husband who is wise and cool encouraged my "exploration" and I was honest with him about it.  As soon as I let the secret feelings hit the light of day by talking with my man about them and he was totally cool, the intrigue was diffused and all the titillation that came with secrecy/fantasy ended.  This co-worker doesn't interest me in the least any more but I've got renewed hots for my husband.

Just because you are with someone it doesn't mean that you automatically stop being attracted to anyone else.  This is a crush and completely healthy, it only becomes a problem if you try to persue anything.

Some dream interpretations say that sexxual fantasies about anyone is more about a personality trait in that person that you feel is missing in your own relationship. 

Try fantasising in the day about your boyfriend, exchange explicit text messages while you are apart, moving in together is likely to to make this crush worse, my suggestion would be to get a new fantasy with your boyfriend, sex tends to get better as time goes on, take this security as an opportunity to push the boundries.

Original Post by newdays18:

I married my guy after 6 years of dating and the first year married, I got pretty infatuated with a co-worker that was  20 years younger, screwed up and entertaining.  Not someone I would have pursued at all as a single person.  Anyway, I know it was a way of dealing with my fears of "being stuck," wanting to stay free and young, whatever.  My husband who is wise and cool encouraged my "exploration" and I was honest with him about it.  As soon as I let the secret feelings hit the light of day by talking with my man about them and he was totally cool, the intrigue was diffused and all the titillation that came with secrecy/fantasy ended.  This co-worker doesn't interest me in the least any more but I've got renewed hots for my husband.

I would NEVER tell my husband about my secret crushes/fantasies. That might work in some relationships, but that wouldn't work in mine. It's completely normal to have them, but I don't think he'd want to hear about it. And I wouldn't want to hear about his.

Like someone said before, just because you're "taken" doesn't mean that you're never going to be attracted to anyone else again. It's your actions that count. In fact, I think it can be good to fantasize about someone else once in a while. It's like being able to experience the thrill of a new love or a hot night of intense passion without actually betraying anyone.

I wouldn't look too deep into it. As long as your feelings for your man are still there and strong, you're fine.

Original Post by sarah_b:

I'm not going to lie, I am a little scared to move in with him but it's what I want. The timing is odd, however... that I start to notice another guy right before I move in with him. This thought has crossed my mind. It makes me wonder if deep down, i'm scared of such commitment.

That is very insightful.  Yes, I do think that can happen at times.  I think your feelings are totally  normal.  I think this is something that happens to everyone but is kind of a taboo subject, like people will judge you if you admit it.  Nobody wants to admit it, and there is this stigma that it must mean you don't really love your partner, and that is a total MYTH.  I really think that is one of the causes of a lot of breakups---people don't think they have "true love" with their partner because these feelings happen.  Try not to worry, it will pass.