look normal but doctors still want gain...

Ok well to start my height is 5'1, my low weight is 65 pounds until i was forced to seek help for 3 months at an inpatient treatment center. Now, 5 months later i'm about 88-89 pounds and feel pretty disgusting. my doctors think i'm around 92-93 but still want me at least 97 so i have "wiggle room" to lose a few if i'm having a bad week. 

I think I look normal now and I really don't want to gain anymore. This is so triggering  for a relapse and I've started restricting a bit again. I kind of feel ridiculous writing this actually, like I don't have an ED anymore but all my habits and fears are still there. It's been about 5 years since I've eaten without ED tendencies and as ready as I am to give all that up I'm still so scared that I'll gain what they want and get bigger.

ah. 

anyone else know what I mean?

You need to talk to your doctors.   They don't just make these numbers up, you know?  Your BMI is below 17 and even 97lbs only gets it to 18.3.   Whereas 20 is medically normal and healthy (106lbs).  So your doctors are taking things very, very gently and trying not to scare you.  But it sounds like they've made a mistake discharging you.  Why would they think you're 92/93 if you're actually 88/89? 

An eating disorder is a mental illness where perception and reality are severely skewed and part company.  If you think someone as painfully thin as you clearly are looks 'normal', that's a barrier to recovery.  And as long as you think women of a healthy weight are 'disgusting' that's also going to hold you back.  

So do go back to your medical team.  You need urgent help.

If you are scared of gaining a BMI of 18.5 then your old ED is still controlling how you feel

Your BMI is LESS then 18.5 right now, and that is the BARE MINUMUM you need for your body to be healthy

I know there is pressure to be thin and there is nothing wrong with wanting to look slim but you do not need your BMI to be below 17, which yours is, to look good, you can have a higher BMI and weigh a little more and do resistance training for your muscles so you look toned

I’m a personal trainer, and if you do abdominal exercises and do resistance training twice a week then the fat on your body will become firm and solid, and that is how you look your best

If you have a problem with gaining a little more weight then you still have issues even if you did not think you did, your BMI is less then 17, and if you are scared of going higher then that is not a healthy way to think

Remember, people who have recovered from eating disorders can still have altered perceptions of themselves, I have recovered from anorexia and I still see myself as bigger then I am, my BMI is about 19 and I am 110 - 113 lbs at 5 ‘ 4 so you do not look as big as you think you do, it is all in your head!

It is not about looking normal, just because you think you look normal, that does not change the fact that having a BMI less then 18.5 is not as healthy as having a BMI of 18.5 or higher.

Stop being stubborn, you do not know it all, and medical experts know more then you do and they have proven that having a BMI of less then 18.5, like you do now, is not healthy and having a BMI of 18.5 or higher IS healthy

Does your desire to stay the same weight mean you know better then doctors?

Please let me know what you think about all this, I don't want you to think you will look "big" if you gain more weight!

well my post seems to have upset both of you and i didnt mean to offend anyone.. i know i'm still involved with my ed i'm just trying to deal with it. i don't want to be deathly skinny anymore, i dont even want to lose any weight really i just want to feel good about myself. i understand my perception is wrong and having a 18.5 bmi is better its just been years since i've been that weight and it was my heaviest and its just triggering. 

i know what both of you are saying is right i was just wondering if anyone ever feels the same.

I know how you feel, I'm recovering too. I won't allow myself to look at my BMI or even try to calculate. That was how I charted my success at becoming skinny. So maybe try to not to think of it in terms of BMI, but rather personal health and happiness.

Aww, it’s okay, it must be scary to try to get to a BMI of 18 when you have never been past that before!

You have my support

It sounds like you are at the point I was at, where you want to be healthy and do not want to be super skinny, yet the ED still makes you fear gaining weight a little, especially since you have never been more then a BMI of 18.5 !

When my BMI was the same as yours, I did not want to be deathly skinny either! But, I still had that fear of gaining weight, because I was comfortable the way I was

I found it helped to focus on feeling healthy through adequate diet and exercise, before I started to think about gaining weight.

It is easier to concentrate on one thing at a time, they are both challenges so it is great that you want to feel healthy! You will gain a little weight slowly and sensibly naturally once you are feeling healthier any way.

You haven’t upset me! I just was just worried that you wanted to stay your current weight for ever, instead of accepting that a BMI of 18.5 is a healthy weight you should aim for in the future - you don’t have to suddenly gain the weight now, just try your best to eat healthily and feel good before you think about weight!