looking for encouragement-- hubby with alcoholic tendencies

So, without getting too dramatic and detailed, my hubby has/had a drinking problem that is newly developed (past 2 months).  At first he didn't realize it was a problem, then when he did (a few weeks ago), he told me his concerns and he went cold turkey.  He went through 2 days of hard core withdraw, and then started drinking again because the withdraw symptoms freaked him out.  Well, I thought he quit and then one week ago he was arrested for drunk driving.  Needless to say, I laid down the law--Cold turkey, AA meetings, and counseling.  I will not be married to a felon.  Plain and simple.

  I'm fine, for the most part.  I am starting to realize that many of the things that have been stressing me out have had to do with the past 8 weeks and my hubby drinking.  I am trying to work on myself and help hubby (i.e. driving him to AA, talking with him about the past 2 months, emotional support) at the same time.  I'm tough, and I know I can do both, but I would love advice and shared experiences that that helped any of you or people you know in a similar situation. 

 

 

If we could keep it on the positive side, that would be helpful.  Thx.

The best advice I can give you is, go to Al-Anon. Its a group for friends and family of alcoholics. 

You cannot motivate anyone to quit, and no one can quit drinking for anyone else.  If you try to manage some one elses drinking problem, you will wind up walking on egg shells, angry, and very, very hurt.

The best thing you can do is go get the support you need to remain strong while he deals or doesn't deal with his problem.  In the end, you need to focus away from him and let him deal.  Sorry I am not more encouraging. But go to Al-anon. They really help.

Stay strong!

I think that the best thing that you can do, is to be supportive, and non-judgemental.

If you are too hard on him, he'll just find ways to hide it from you, or will push you away.  Just be there for him, avoid putting him in difficult situations, and try not to be an enabler.

I agree with checking out Al-Anon.  It can be helpful for non-addicts to understand the disease of addiction.

If you don't mind my asking, if this is a short lived problem, what was the trigger?

Yes, Al-Anon.  You can't do his recovery for him, he needs to be able to get his own self to meetings, etc.  Also, is the counseling for him or for you, or both? 

My first husband (now ex) is a recovered alcoholic, sober 20+ years and frankly it took him a long time to get there.  I've  also needed some therapy/counseling over the years to learn how to not give in to codependent behavior (among other things). 

Al-Anon!  I've never been, but my mom grew up in an alcoholic household and I saw the same thing happening to my family.  I got really sad when I would see my brothers binge drinking because I love them so much and it was really painful to see them doing that and not being able to stop.  Alcoholism runs in our family.  Anyway the advice my mom told me was from when she had been to Al-Anon, and it's really good.  They are apparently really supportive and give you lots of good strategies for getting over the guilt of living with an alcoholic (can you believe that I at 16 felt like an enabler for the alcoholism of 2 20 year old men?) and working through it.  Good luck!

agreed: support is key.  i think you're doing it though (driving him to meetings and talking to him).  i've never been through this kind of thing exactly, but i have been through diffcult times with friends/family before.  you can make it through.  remember not to foget your friends, since you might need someone to talk to right now yourself.  they love ya!  they might be the best for advice right now as well.

stay strong!

OMgoodness!  I can so relate to your situation.  I grew up with an alcoholic father.  Went to Al-anon as a teen, and am now married to a "possilby" alcoholic husband.  I have developed a food addiction as opposed to an alcohol addiction, but they are very similar, just different in substance.  I believe that you are on the right track.  Get help early so that you do not become a co-dependant enabler, (like my mother was for 18 years).  But unlike my experience with AA and other 12 step programs, I believe that you can get through this without giving into the "it's a disease" mentality.  Maybe that is just because I refuse to believe it's beyone someone's control.  I don't know.  I think, ultimately, it comes down to a choice.  But that choice is harder to make for some than others.  I do know that sometimes chosing the healthy food is extremely hard for me, so in some ways, I do understand.  Whatever way you choose to get help for yourself, be it Al-Anon, or counseling, or whatever, I highly recommend you do get help for yourself.  I have been dealing with the damaging effects of alcohol for many years, and I know that I can not deal with it by myself.  My advice is this... seek help for YOURSELF, hold you husband to some kind of standard that is acceptable to you both, and do not lose hope.  Anyone CAN change.  You just can't sacrifice yourself in the process.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Most sincerely.

He sounds a bit depressed. Does he have any aspirations, goals, hobbies - anything he looks forward to, after coming home from work? Did he have a hobby or goal that he no longer pursues? This may be a good area to start. Of course, the best thing he has to look forward is his wife! Bottom line, if you can get him to replace the alcohol with other things it may be all he needs - I know, easier said than done. Hang in there:-)

AA has about an eight percent and below success rate, so good luck on that! If it does not work, try Cognitive Behavioral therapy.

And as for withdrawal from alcohol, you need to go to detox for that because you can die from seizures.

I also recommend Al-anon. It is a fabulous group of people and it is so helpful. If there is a history of alcohol abuse from your parental units, even grandparents, check out Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA).

I know you live in Columbus, OH, and I also know that town has a great branch of AA, Al-Anon and ACOA well established there.

It is very true that you can not convince or make anyone to stop drinking. You can give them the opportunity and support, but you can not force them in anyway to stay sober.

Don't give your husband an ultimatum unless you are completely willing to follow through. This is much harder than you think. Anyone with any kind of substance abuse problem is excellent in getting clean for a little while or changing their habits in order to appeas their SO.

First off nagging him ain't helping him. I lived with an alcoholic for 6yrs and nagging about it is one of the worst things you could do.

The only person who can help him is himself, he has to want to do it and it is often better if they seek professional help.

People who become addicted to alcohol and drugs more often than not are suffering from depression, feeling alienated from society and therefore trying to escape from it.

As for the felon comment well I'll just keep my thoughts to myself.

I agree with everyone's suggestion of Al-Anon, but also you have to realize there's only so much you can do. It's on him. As the cliche goes :"He has to WANT to change".

I could never change anyone in my family's drinking. Hopefully your husband is sincere about stopping. But there mat come a point where you may have to accept what's happening and decide how you're going to deal with it for yourself.

Original Post by kaffwynn:

I think that the best thing that you can do, is to be supportive, and non-judgemental.

If you are too hard on him, he'll just find ways to hide it from you, or will push you away.  Just be there for him, avoid putting him in difficult situations, and try not to be an enabler.

I agree with checking out Al-Anon.  It can be helpful for non-addicts to understand the disease of addiction.

If you don't mind my asking, if this is a short lived problem, what was the trigger?

 I am trying not to be judgemental.  Supportive but not enabling, if that makes sense.  I will definitely check out the Al-Anon meetings.  I don't know why I didn't think of that before. 

The trigger for him would likely be stress, and he just quite smoking/chewing nicotine gum.  He has a few medical tests coming up, and the doctor told him long-term nicotine use could negatively affect these test.  So, 3 months ago, he quit.  However, he still needed a way to deal with stress (mom is dying), and he also found he had trouble sleeping.  He took to alcohol at first to help him sleep, which it did.  Then it started to progress, as stated in my OP.  This is why I want him to receive counseling.  He needs to find a way to deal with his stress in a healthy way.

Original Post by moonikins:

I also recommend Al-anon. It is a fabulous group of people and it is so helpful. If there is a history of alcohol abuse from your parental units, even grandparents, check out Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA).

I know you live in Columbus, OH, and I also know that town has a great branch of AA, Al-Anon and ACOA well established there.

It is very true that you can not convince or make anyone to stop drinking. You can give them the opportunity and support, but you can not force them in anyway to stay sober.

Don't give your husband an ultimatum unless you are completely willing to follow through. This is much harder than you think. Anyone with any kind of substance abuse problem is excellent in getting clean for a little while or changing their habits in order to appeas their SO.

 

When we were dating (4 years ago) I told him that there were only three reasons where I could consider divorce a valid course of action.  The three A's-Addiction, Abuse, or Adultery.  While I am not big on ultimatums, I was perfectly serious about separation and potentially a divorce.  I feel that I need to be upfront about the consequences of his actions, and I made it very clear that I will follow through, and it would break my heart.

 With this addiction, my hope is that we have caught it early enough, and that we can deal with it before it becomes a larger issue.  I will continue to drive him to AA meetings, and listen to him when he wants to talk about the past two months.  I'll check out ACOA as well.  Alcohol addiction run in my family, and I have had experiences with this in the past (younger days).  I know I cannot make him quit.  He has to want to quit himself.  Hopefully, I can light a fire under his you know what., though.

I agree with the other posters who said that you can't make him change, seems you already know this too already so you're one step further than I was when I was in the same spot.

My husband is a recovering alcoholic (he suffers from PTSD). I pretty much made him go to rehab and I found out the hard way that that wasn't the the way to do it. About 2 weeks after he got home, I started finding empty bottles hidden around the house again.

The second time he went, it was his decision, he came to me and told me that he needed help so we went to detox and then to a different rehab facility. He has now been sober for 3½ years.

I do think his success the second time did have a lot to do with the different type of treatment he received. The first time he went to an impatient facility where he was completely shut off from the world for 30 days and then sent home and expected to do it on his own. The second time he went to a place where he was allowed to have visitors and get out once in awhile, then after 30 days there he was transfered to a half way house where he worked and and got support for another 60 days so it was easier for him to transition into the real world.

Good luck with everything! :)

I mostly have bad experiences with this issue, so I'm not sure my advice will apply or be helpful.

My granddad was an alcoholic.  My grandmother eventually moved out (I guess I was around 10 years old at the time) and got her own apartment.  She didn't believe in divorce, so after work she went to his house and cleaned and cooked dinner for him every day before she went to her place.  He was diabetic and went through a gallon of whiskey every 5 days or so.  His last drink was a few hours before he died in his sleep.

My dad is an alcoholic.  He is also a former substance abuse counselor.  He has tried to quit many, many times.  My parents split when I was 14 when my mom had finally had enough (he'd told her that she'd lose custody of us if she left him when we were little and she believed him).  Last year, he quit drinking, and made it through the shakes, but is now suffering from a severe depression.  He sleeps all the time and won't bathe.  He apparently cares about nothing.  I think this might be what people mean when they say somebody is a 'dry drunk'.  He refuses to go get help, because he would be too embarrassed that 'he knows better' and still let this happen to himself.

A while back, when I discovered that the man I'd been dating and gotten pretty serious with had hidden a bottle of vodka under my bathroom sink, I just went ahead and broke up with him and told him that I couldn't date an alcoholic.  (I'd had other warning signs, but this one bonked me over the head.)  But that was just dating - not already married.

Sorry I don't have any helpful advice.  I hope that he can kick this.  From my perspective, the most important decision for you is to be able to recognize when "this isn't working" - when you need to get out for your sake and for your children's sake.  Please don't let him model that behavior for your children.

******hugs******

I have never been to an al-anon meeting, but have been advised to on several occasions.

Original Post by fortius:

AA has about an eight percent and below success rate, so good luck on that! If it does not work, try Cognitive Behavioral therapy.

And as for withdrawal from alcohol, you need to go to detox for that because you can die from seizures.

how's this for a rarity?  fortius is right. 

check out smart recovery for a program based in CBT and solid addictions research.

I highly recommend the Adult Children of Alcoholics. They are usually associated with Al-anon if they aren't listed separately. They follow the same 12 steps. They focus on the simalarities that adult children of alcolholics share. It is amazing how wonderful it is to see where some of your own behavior comes from.

A dry drunk is a little different than what you describe. Someone who is considered a dry drunk is someone who stays sober by sheer will power, but who does not change the behavior that lead them to drink. They continue many of the behaviors that used to be "relieved" by alcohol. They are often very arrogant, prideful, mean, condescending and manipulative.

The book, Adult Children of Alcoholics, by Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., is the main book. I read it in my early 20's and it really helped me. There are 24 common characteristics that adult children share. One of them is "Addicted to chaos". Boy did/does that fit me.

Crazi, I'm not being judgmental here, but you mentioned that your hubby has been displaying these symptoms for about 2 months, and that he suffered withdrawal symptoms from going cold turkey. I don't see how it is possible to get a physical addiction and build up a resistance to alcohol in 2 months to the point where a person would suffer withdrawal symptoms.

Now there very could be emotional and mental withdrawal symptoms, but physical withdrawal doesn't seem likely after only 2 months alcoholic drinking. I think you may want to consider if he's been drinking heavily for much longer than that.

Original Post by moonikins:

Crazi, I'm not being judgmental here, but you mentioned that your hubby has been displaying these symptoms for about 2 months, and that he suffered withdrawal symptoms from going cold turkey. I don't see how it is possible to get a physical addiction and build up a resistance to alcohol in 2 months to the point where a person would suffer withdrawal symptoms.

Now there very could be emotional and mental withdrawal symptoms, but physical withdrawal doesn't seem likely after only 2 months alcoholic drinking. I think you may want to consider if he's been drinking heavily for much longer than that.

 Thank you for your input, here.  And, if it were anyone else, I might say the same.  Hubby definitely just started after he quit smoking.  He may lie by omission, but never to my face.  His word, plus his actions the past 2 months (while drinking) and how these actions differentiate from his actions before he started drinking are vastly different.  I knew something changed around Sept., but I didn't know what until a few weeks ago.  Do I think he has an addiction problem?  Yes.  It just wasn't always alcohol. 

He went through a period of high anxiety and the shakes when he was withdrawing, which lasted 2 days total.  From what I understand, every body is different, and what may affect one person strongly does not affect another the same way.

Thank you again for all of your suggestions and advice. :)

Original Post by moonikins:

I highly recommend the Adult Children of Alcoholics. They are usually associated with Al-anon if they aren't listed separately. They follow the same 12 steps. They focus on the simalarities that adult children of alcolholics share. It is amazing how wonderful it is to see where some of your own behavior comes from.

A dry drunk is a little different than what you describe. Someone who is considered a dry drunk is someone who stays sober by sheer will power, but who does not change the behavior that lead them to drink. They continue many of the behaviors that used to be "relieved" by alcohol. They are often very arrogant, prideful, mean, condescending and manipulative.

The book, Adult Children of Alcoholics, by Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., is the main book. I read it in my early 20's and it really helped me. There are 24 common characteristics that adult children share. One of them is "Addicted to chaos". Boy did/does that fit me.

 Ill look that one up thanks. :)