Looking to help out a friend get to 120

Ok, so it's not me who needs to gain weight, but a good friend of mine.

Here's the story, my friend (whom we shall refer to as Mandy) is 20 years old, 5'4" and 91 lbs. The thing is, she does not suffer from Anorexia Nervosa, she does not restrict calories on purpose as a means to lose or gain weight and in fact she only found out about a week or two ago how little she weighed and seemed gung-ho about getting up to 120. This said, the reason as to WHY Mandy's so small is because she simply does not have the means to get food most of the time. She has told me on numerous occassions that her parents (She's going to school and lives with her parents) would rather buy beer than more food, and her younger siblings eat like wild dogs and the groceries run out before the end of the week, leaving her almost literally with table scraps.

She's come to me for help about gaining weight (I guess after seeing how I'm built, haha) and I've done everything I could to make suggestions and even directed her to this site numerous times, but she hasn't taken it yet. Mandy has made great strides in gaining weight, but it is difficult for her (going up from eating, like 500-800 calories a day to 1,200-1,500, and now 2,100 calories a day was a strain on her) but I keep coaching her along to keep at it.

Thing is, I feel like I'm sabotaging her. I WANT her to gain weight, I want her to get healthy, but at times we both get rather frustrated with one another (What with me telling her she needs to eat high cal foods lik fish, nuts, beans, etc and Mandy keeps saying she can't afford that or her parents would never buy that or she doesn't like that). It's a somewhat long-distance relationship (she's a good one-two hours away from me) which makes it difficult for me to really help her most of the time. But I feel like a bad friend telling her 'You shouldn't lift weights and go for a walk after eating, just stick to stretching for a bit and keep eating'. or 'you should have an extra helping of rice or protein now' or 'snack on peanuts or peanut butter and apples instead of just an apple'.

I guess, to get to the point, is am I doing the right thing by trying to help her? She's still comming to me for advice and encouragement and yet I feel like a bad friend telling her not to exercise (as much) and eat more. I've already gave her a list of high cal foods she could eat, but I'm not sure if her parents had bought any of it or if she was willing to try any of it. We both want what is best for her, but should I just back away from this?

Does she have her own money for things?  If so maybe suggest that she create her own store of things like "granola".  My husband and i shop at Winco and buy bulk raw nuts and dried fruits to make a granola of sorts.  High in protien and its won't easily go bad.  If her family isn't able to help, this could be an inexpensive option (at least less $$ than buying pre-packaged) and she could get the nuts and fruits she likes.

I see nothing wrong with wanting to help a friend in need.  I urge patience.  It sounds like she is going through a lot and i'm sure you've been there to help as much as possible.  Keep it up, i'm sure she really appreciates the support.

~Andrea

First off, good on ya for supporting a friend in need, any way you can. We could all use a friend like that. keep doing what you're doing.

I don't know where she is (geographically) but is there some kind of "government assistance" she might qualify for? At least until she can get on her feet. This kind of thing is ugly and cyclical. If she doesn't get the kind of support she should be getting from her family she needs to put herself first and get out of there, safely. If she can get out, she can start to focus on getting healthy. It sounds like she is in a "toxic" environment, NOT HEALTHY. What about food banks? Is that something she would consider?

Hearing these things always makes me so sad and angry. Parents are supposed to take care of their kids, no matter what age they are. It's the way things are meant to be.

First of all, I am so sorry to hear about your friend and the environment she's in. That must be terrible for her - and for you, as her friend. As Sticksandberries has said that sounds a truly toxic environment for her to be in.

I think it is good you're encouraging her but if she can't stick with it either there's no way she'll reach anything like 2500 - which is the baseline where she needs to be, and that's if she's just sat on her butt all day. If she feels you're being too pushy, though, that might be offputting for her. I think you need to sit down with her (or phone, or whatever is a plausible means of communicating for you) and discuss whether or not she feels imposed upon and views from the pair of you if you really want to support her and if she really wants to gain.

No, the first order of business is to CALL CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES or the POLICE IMMEDIATELY to report this CHILD ABUSE. 

If your 20-year-old friend can do it, or has other relatives who can take care of the kids, their welfare come first.  This is not a weight issue for a board, this is your responsibility and obligation to report this abusive home IMMEDIATELY.

My husband works in law enforcement and he agrees with Thumper.  Your friend may be over 18, but if there are still kids at home, CPS and or the cops need to know because child neglect is a form of child abuse!

I got a sick hollow feeling in my stomach as I read your post. I'm so focused on losing my weight and complaining about food that tempts that it often escapes me that there are people who need to gain weight but have limited or no access to food.

I agree that the environment she is in is very unhealthy and before her weight can be remedied her environment needs to be fixed. If she is not anorexic and was unaware of how little she weighed I'm assuming she wasn't hiding her body and I can't imagine getting down to 91 lbs (I'm the same height) and not having my parents and sibling absolutely losing their minds. Someone needs to intervene in that familial situation, 20 may be legally an adult but she isn't much older than a child and no one should have to be in that situation where they are dependent on parents who won't take care of their basic needs. I have to say with a situation like that I doubt she is motivated to eat. 

Depending on where she goes to school colleges (at least mine) are a great place to find support and options. Counseling centers on campus will know of resources to help her manage both her weight and environment. Financial aid may be able to arrange housing for her and often non-profits have campus connections, things like food banks and housing assistance. Professors can also be indispensable resources when combating difficult situations. 

I hope you can encourage her to appreciate her self and her body more. Forget pushing calories or excersise push her to realize she deserves better in every aspect.