I lost weight....but for the wrong reasons..:(

Well I did officially loose the weight i wanted to, i'm even trimming up the excess fat by building extra muscle now, hopefully within the next couple months i'll actually be skinny / athletic looking.  Right now i'd guess myself to be somewhere in just the "normal" range.  But i lost the weight in hopes of it helping my social life, and well, that didn't happen.  It didn't help my self image, it didn't boost my confidence, and i'm as socially inept as I was a year ago....any suggenstions?

that's the thing that sucks about weight, people think their problems are a result of the weight and the way they look but really it's not. you can lose as much weight as is physically possible and feel worse about yourself than when you were 50 pounds heavier. the things with losing weight is that we can become so obsessed with it that we become irritable, isolated, and socially worse off than when it all began. we can lose our personalities and interests in our weight, and it really does suck. i suggest you focus on your relationships and not on your body. you relationships are what matter and your emotional well being, the physical stuff is icing on the cake when everything else is in place but until then expecting the physical to fix the rest just won't happen and it will leave you empty and incomplete. try working the other way around, fix the things that matter first and then focus on the weight and your appearance. i hope this helps. i went through a similar thing myself and this is what i've learned from experience.

The Meaning in the advice is good, but I just don't have any relationships to work on, due to many changes in my life in the last couple years I don't have any social networks in my local area, friends or otherwise. 

And to anyone that glances at this, don't try to diet for any reason other than just for your personal health, cause no other reason will get you anywhere.

you asked for any suggestions: I say look deep into yourself and ask yourself the questions you already have.......Why don't you have any social networks, friends etc.? What can you do to make friends? www.meetup.com is a great network of place..maybe you can find someone that has your interest.....

And as for your self-image and confidence....hmm that one is tough....so I'm just throwing this out there..have you ever thought about seeing a therapist to assist you ? Sometimes therapist are good at helping to give tools ..such as they can give you tools to deal with social situations....and they can help bounce ideas of you and help you to see things from a different way or angel.. If money is an issue. You can always look at local universities to see if they have a therapy program that offers counseling to the public or when you call and ask about therapist--see if they offer a discount or sliding scale fee....

Congrats on your new health! I hope the rest catches up soon :)

Sorry to hear that youfeel the weightloss didn't give you what you were looking for. I guess it means that you are still the same person on the inside. I know I am. Whether I'm slim or not I will always be kind of shy and obsesively worry about what people think of me, in every situation. My weight doesn't change that.

I moved to a different country twice in 4 years and starting with no friends (other than my husband) is HARD! Like I said, I don't jump in to new social situations. What helps me are classes at the gym, which led to Tai-Chi and Kung-Fu classes and some nice friends.

I try to find something i can do to meet people without forcing the issue. And if someone asks me to socialise I will. Even if I am not keen on the activity. I just want to be around other people than my husband sometimes, and he supports that.

You don't say if you're at college or at work, but try find your equivalent of gym classes. And I hope that knowing that others share your insecurities will make you feel better.

Original Post by tumanator:

The Meaning in the advice is good, but I just don't have any relationships to work on, due to many changes in my life in the last couple years I don't have any social networks in my local area, friends or otherwise. 

And to anyone that glances at this, don't try to diet for any reason other than just for your personal health, cause no other reason will get you anywhere.

I have to disagree with not feeling better after losing the weight because I feel much better about myself now than I did when I was fat (sorry to be so blunt but I was). I'm more confident and I feel less insecure than I did back then. However, everyone is different and I suppose that not everyone will react the same to losing weight.

As far as the social thing goes...I can relate because I am a military spouse far away from home and have been for the past three years. I have had a hard time making friends as well because I don't work and friends come and go when you're in the military. I would suggest social networking sites like myspace or facebook because in a way they've helped me out with meeting others in similar situations. Maybe you could even try finding a local group on here that you could possibly meet up with every once in a while. And don't feel bad, I'm still having a hard time making friends because I only have 2 here and both of them will be gone for the summer so then I won't have any.   So don't feel bad, you're not the only one.

Do you work or go to school? There has to be ways of connecting with people in your area. I personally wouldn't go the internet route. Go out and do what you like doing and you're bound to meet people with similar interests.

I've met people when I've gone out to see bands play. Ocassionally one or two of them would invite me to parties where I've met more people. Ultimately you have to put yourself out there to some degree.

Try not to be so down on yourself.

Original Post by tumanator:

Well I did officially loose the weight i wanted to, i'm even trimming up the excess fat by building extra muscle now, hopefully within the next couple months i'll actually be skinny / athletic looking.  Right now i'd guess myself to be somewhere in just the "normal" range.  But i lost the weight in hopes of it helping my social life, and well, that didn't happen.  It didn't help my self image, it didn't boost my confidence, and i'm as socially inept as I was a year ago....any suggenstions?

Looking back I think I was in similar situation. Although it wasn't a primary reason for me wanting to loose some weight it definitely was in top 5. I guess during the process of loosing weight I came to realize that me being few pounds over weight wasn't the reason I had problems with my social life. So I started to look in to the reasons why, and worked on those areas.

UD

Tumanator, I wish you the best. I give you my opinion and suggestions.

Most people loose weight for personal health reasons and in the process, they feel good about themselves. To feel good about yourself, you have to set realistic goals for the short and long term. One of my short term goals was lowering my cholesterol with 10 points at the next physical exam which was a 3 month process. A long term goal was loosing 20 pounds in one year. Try to set a few goals so you can feel good about yourself. I believe it is more difficult to build a social life if you are not 100% happy with yourself.

Don't give up easily, sometimes we fall on our faces several times before we succeed with our goals.

Take it one step at the time and don't expect to solve all your problems with weight loss. I wish sometimes this was possible :-)

Looking at my personal social life, most of my dearest friends are overweight. I don't look at their body weight to value their friendship or social commitment. Their body weight does not determine if I keep in contact with them and I don't look at body weight if I want to make contact with a person.

It's all about having a positive attitude on life. I want to be surrounded with people that have a positive attitude on life. Of course, we all have difficult days or periods and true friends pull you back up.

Maybe you can start volunteering? Join a sports club or place an ad on craigslist, to look for a sporting mate? That's how I got in contact with a few tennis partners. Just a few suggestions.

Consider yourself lucky. I assume you call "normal" range, the healthy weight range which nowadays "above" the average weight range. Congratulations on achieving a healthy body weight.

If you want to get a social life you need to go out and find it.  An example could be to find a local club or society that seems interesting and go along.   If you have common interests with people then you've instantly got something to talk about.  And that's all a social life is really..... getting together with people who have something in common and enjoying each other's company.  

If you mean 'social life' as in 'meeting women' the same applies.  I think the most contrived situation in the world is to go up to a perfect stranger in a bar somewhere and start chatting.  Whereas if you're already thrown together because of some common activity you've got a head start.   NB... if you do want to meet women probably best not to sign up for a course on Advanced Spot Welding or Beard Trimming for Beginners!  Use your noodle...

Confidence.... All confidence is is proving to yourself that you can do stuff that you didn't think you could.  When you learned to ride a bike as a kid you fell off, you got back on, you fell off again...  If at any point someone had come along and said 'put the bike away, it's too hard for you' then you'd never learn how to master it and you might even end up terrified of bikes.  But if you stick at it, your confidence builds and pretty soon you're hurtling around no problem

So when it comes to life the same applies.  There was an excellent song around about 10 years ago called 'The Sunscreen Song' in which one of the lines was 'do something every day that scares you'.   And that's the secret to confidence.  Being a little bit scared but doing it anyway!!!  You know what scares you.  That's the place to start.

Good luck

That's tough when your social networks aren't where you want them to be. As an adult there are a lot of other singles out there though who still get out and live life. A couple suggestions of how I've met friends - joined a beginner volleball league at the local YMCA, they have all sorts of programs. Become a regular in a spin class or some other class at the gym (especially if it's the 6 am class!), go to a beginner's lesson for just about anything ... I did this last night, went to a beginners lesson on how to ride a group ride and made a friend who I'm going to go practice with. Lots of cities also have an outdoor's club as well and they arrange all sorts of activities. Even if you're a little shy if you go to enough things you'll find someone that you click a bit with and then just suggest going for a beer afterwards or meeting up for a practice session.

Good luck!

First of all, congratulations on the weight loss!  There are no bad reasons to get a healthier body, and you are young enough to reap years of benefits from being at a healthy weight.

I see from your profile that you are going back to college next fall, so there should be some opportunities to meet people in a low key environment where you share some basic goals/interests (getting educated).  Try to take some fun, enrichment classes as well as the basic core classes you need for your degree.  Maybe a military history class?  Also, consider taking some PE classes -- there are often really fun things like ballroom dancing or badminton, and you could meet people to play/practice with beyond the class.  Also, will you be living around other students?  There are often fun activities in apartment complexes that have a lot of students.  Also, is there a cause you feel passionate about?  Volunteer for a political campaign, or an animal shelter, or a food pantry where you can help others (and meet like minded people).

Finally, if you achieved one goal (weight loss) you can use those same skills to achieve your next goal (once you define it more clearly).  Just like the physical act of smiling makes you happier, the act of being friendly helps make you friends.  Each goal achieved helps define the next goal you want to achieve.  Good luck!

Well I have to say I appreciate the advice, I am enrolled in MSU, starting my 2nd year this summer.  Unfortunatley I live in a rural area, and have to commute through 30 miles of wheat fields and cow country to even get to town.  I've been considering trying to get a membership for a gym, the only thing stopping me right now is not having much if any extra money every month.  This isn't a new struggle, I've fought my inner (intraverted) self for years, I was just hoping weight loss would give me the confidence I couldn't give myself.....WRONG.  I dunno i'll just try to figure something out, again thanks for the advice.

In what way are you lacking confidence?

It sounds like the distance from where you live and where other people are is the primary issue for you.  If you don't know anyone to meet in town, then you're never going to go to town to meet people.  It's a catch 22.  You can break it, but first you need to give yourself a reason to go to town.  Are there any activities that you might like to do in town with other people?

Once you're back at MSU, you can join all kinds of social clubs.

just wanted to say

ur an above average, no, fantastic looking guy

uve achieved a hott bod

u come across as very articulate and gentle in this post...

3 assets 99.9pc of guys cant claim.....

realise this! get out there and give ppl the pleasure of knowing u  xx