Does love really conquer all?

Last night I was hurt so badly by my boyfriend.  I actually wish it were physical so that you could see the bruises and my pain.  We have been dating for 3 1/2 years and I love him more than words could say.  I knew years ago I was out of his league.  But I pursued him anyway.  Eventually I wore him down.  Last night he told me that he wasn't physically attracted to me in a "I want you so bad type of way" and really doesn't desire me.  Our sex life is non-existent.  All I can think now is how awful it must be to have me as a girlfriend.  I am a good lover, but I don't think I will ever be able to forget what he said.  He says I am perfect in every way except for my size.  We are so compatible and have a great time together.  I am funny and nice and I love to laugh.  I am between a size 12-14 after losing ALOT of weight.  It kills me because we were together more when I was heavier.  I take good care of myself and always look polished.  He's upset because I stopped dieting and exercising and I am no where near my goal.  People lose weight for all reasons, Should love be one of them?  He is brutally honest, and never lies.  Is there any hope for this relationship or if I actually lose all the weight he wants, will something else be a factor.  I don't want to throw away 6 1/2 years of friendship and a loving relationship, but I am so hurt and angry.  Part of me feels that I should be thanking my lucky stars for him and the other part of me wants someone to love me the way I deserve.  Are there any true, real, men out there that don't judge on weight?  I know that no one wants to date an ugly person.  Is there any hope for me?     

If the guy you're in a picture with in your profile is your boyfriend...you're not out of his league.

At all.

You are gorgeous, with a very feminine figure, exotic looks, and a strong nose and almond eyes. Guys fall all over themselves for that.

He is very handsome, masculine, and has cute eyes....but he's not out of your league.

I'm going to pull out a bit of advice....People can and will be attracted to who they are attracted to, there is no changing that....Does he love you for you regardless of the attraction side? The good and bad flaws of your personality? Yes? Then wow, that's amazing.

Does he want you now? Not as much as he probably would if you were thinner, simply because of the physical attraction, which is REAL and undeniable. BUT, does that mean you should make yourself thinner for him? No!

You need to examine why you stopped losing weight, if you are happy the way you are now (take out of the equation your relationship with him and only think of YOU), and whether or not you would be healthier and more content at a thinner weight.

Would being thinner make you happier, if you were on your own? Don't take into account what he wants right now, this is about you.

If you say yes, then focus on getting healthy, and prod him to help you along the way.

Lose weight for you and only you, because no matter how long, great, or special a relationship is, YOU only have to answer to you in the long run.

Original Post by nasuoni:

You are gorgeous

 Yea! You're beautiful!

If he's the one making you feel not worthy of him...get rid of him! If your own insecurites are what's getting in the way, then maybe it's something you should talk to him about.

People may say just dump him but its easier said then done when you love that person. But in answer to your question yes there are men out there that does not worry about the weight. My wife was/is heavy when we met online about 9 years ago. She was afraid to tell me her weight but I fell in love with her before I ever knew what she looked like. When she did tell me about her weight I did not even have second thoughts. I fell in love with the personality and to this day we still get along great. Right now she is dieting/or eating healthier but it is because of medical reason not because I do not desire her because that never mattered to me. I just want us to live longer together. As for what you should do imo I say if you love the dude and want to be with him set down and talk it out with him....find out if you were to lose the weight would it make a diferance to him. I would see if maybe this just is his way of calling it quits taking this as a excuse to leave. Tell him you really need him to be honest. And go from there. I wish you the best dear no woman should be told something like that....I mean he could of told you in a nicer way if your weight was the issue. I personally think its a cop out. But good luck I wish you the best and may God send you your soulmate.

Original Post by nasuoni:

If the guy you're in a picture with in your profile is your boyfriend...you're not out of his league.

Ha you took the words right out of my mouth!

You are the beautiful one and do you really want to be with a guy who judges you so harshly?

Congrats on the weight already lost... that is a huge accomplishment and if it's enough for you it should be enough for the person who loves you. In my opinion you deserve to be with someone who loves you no matter what size you are. Weight fluctuates and you want someone who will be with you no matter what; not the kind of guy who gives up for a bull **** reason. You shouldn't have lose weight to please him.

Hang in there you will have no problem attracting men. You are very beautiful and I'm sure there are a lot of men out there who love the way you look now.

After I read your OP I looked at your profile picture. The first thing that popped in my head was that there's no way you're out of his league. You're gorgeous. He's okay, but c'mon.....

you can do better. If he isn't happy with the way you are, then find someone who will be (and you will)

why not just work a little harder on the fitness thing and drop the weight?....

Ill give you the secret recipe for it even!

1) Watch calories (track everything you eat and set a hard limit depending on your current weight and goal weight and all that)

2) Exercise (doesnt even have to be every day, just an hour of cardio every other day is enough)

3) ....there is no 3.... your done.... thats all it takes. Stay away from cakes and icecream and coconut soup and anything else high in calories that tips you over the caloric limits and you will drop however much you want.

Yea, I guess you could always just find a guy who will take whatever he can get (lots of them out there)...and he probably wont take care of himself either....so you can both live happily like that and not focus on physical aspects...

But some people have looking and feeling good a priority on the things they want to have in their life...and its not really unreasonable to want to be with someone that has those same feelings. Fitness is a very slippery slope....little by little you let yourself not care about things...a pound here...a pound there...less going out ...less exercise....and then suddenly you find yourself a 300 pound person that has trouble with a variety of things (or even just a 200 pound person that cant seem to find anything that fits or looks decent in the store).

Personally? I dont want to end up like that (and i wouldnt want to be with someone who does either).... so, that means, every now and then I need to assess my fitness level and correct it to be in line with what I want (and not ignore it for 5 years). Your moving in the right direction....just keep going.... 

Men are visual which equals shallow. It makes me laugh I hear the guys at work commenting on women, often not in flattering terms and I stand behind them looking at them....phooey clearly they don't have mirrors in their homes or  if they do they clearly don't see what I'm looking at.

You have to ask yourself do you want to be his trophy! 

I have looked at your picture and you are beautiful and many men would be thrilled to have you in their life and you wouldn't be settling for less than you deserve, quite the opposite.

I'm sorry but I just can't stand people who think it's OK to put people down, or think they are better than what they have. No one is out of your league but plenty are just not compatible.

Do you really want to be with someone who can hurt you this bad and think it's their right to do so.

Do yourself a favour sweetie.... love yourself more.

"few people can see genius in someone who has offended them".

Real love isn't conditional....  If someone loves you they don't attach caveats like they'd love you more if you were a bit thinner or whatever.  Someone like that is never happy.  You lose weight, they don't like your hair. You fix the hair, they don't like you going out with your friends.  There's always something that 'isn't quite right' so that you're constantly running to catch up, pathetically grateful that they still deign to be with you.   It's a way that some men choose to control their partners... always needing them to try a little harder to please them.   I think it's a particularly nasty trait in a person and, even if you've put up with it for 6 years, you shouldn't accept it any longer.  If you're going to stay with him, make a stand or else as time goes on you'll just be more and more miserable.

BTW. That sideswipe about not 'wanting you so bad' and the non-existent sex-life... would have me packing my bags all by itself.  Men who say that are usuallly getting it somewhere else. 

well if my husband wanted me to lose another 15lbs like i should to look even hotter than i wouldn't give it a second thought. there's nothing wrong with wanting your s.o. to look as hot as they can be. and a person just can't control what they find attractive or not, so i can't dump on your bf for that.

however, attraction is much more than that, and the fact that you wore him down sounds like there is a little more going on there. and guys "taking whatever they can get" is very multi-faceted.  so a guy can take a hot girl but have nothing in common with her or have any respect for her, that is also taking whatever they can get.

and i dont know, i cant really judge here but it sounds like you are taking whatever you can get. if looking good can be a priority, then so can wanting to be loved the way you deserve (just using your own words here). sexual compatibility is one of my priorities in a relationship, its a biggie for me.

i think you just need to think about what your priorities are and what you want. maybe taking a break so that you are not so 'dazzled' that you are thanking your lucky stars to have him and are able to get some perspective on the matter.

Does love really conquer all?

nope, not even kind of.

it sounds like he's either bored or afraid to take the next step.  he's looking for an excuse.  so you have a decision to make: are you going to try to alter yourself to correct his problems, or are you going to be true to yourself and let him deal with the consequences?

Do you really want to be with this kind of man?  can you imagine having his children and having him critique your body afterwards? Or what about when you get older and he's not going to be attracted to your wrinkles and saggy boobs?  It's good that you found this out sooner rather than later.  Spend some time thinking about what your future might be like with a man like this.

May I just start by saying: props to him for being brutally honest. It`s both in his best interest and yours. Sit down with him and discuss if you should continue this relationship, in a calm, cool, manner (no fighting or trying to hurt each other, encourage him to be as honest as possible, but in a respectful way). Find out if his expectations are the same as yours, and also vice versa! What do YOU want in a man? Is he it? If not, is he willing to improve himself to be it?

What concerns me the most, frankly, is how one-sided this whole thing is. Look at your desires and expectations, they are just as important as his. That whole thing about being out of his league, I don`t know who instilled this in your mind. If it was him, snap out of his cheap manipulation tactics; if it was you, you really need to develop a better relationship with your inner self and find a way to increase your self confidence; if it was any one else - well, they are mean, shallow, insecure people, and their opinions are not worth listening to, much less taking into account.

You know what is going on between the two of you best, so it`s your decision. As a side note, I`ve personally been in your shoes, and I know it`s not pretty. In my case, lack of attraction also meant the guy had the hots for someone else. Maybe poke at the idea for a bit and see if there`s any truth to it?

Original Post by loriklorik:

why not just work a little harder on the fitness thing and drop the weight?....

This is so typical...

And i disagree with Lorik entirely. The issue here isnt about what your weight and fitness are ladylibre. Its about how you are being underapperciated by your boyfriend, and by yourself, and like gi jane said, for people like that if its not one thing its another. its not fair to be putting yourself under constant strain to try and please someone else. Sounds to me like its your guy who has the issues not you, if he feels he needs to make you feel inadequate.

You are gorgeous! Never let anyone make you feel like you dont deserve to be loved in any capacity! x

It's a bit weird that he decided he wasn't attracted to you because of your size AFTER you'd lost weight isn't it? If you'd put on lots of weight it might be different but you said your sex life was better when you were heavier and now you've lost so what's his problem?

As everyone's been saying you are very beautiful, you don't deserve to be disrespected like that.

You don't deserve to disregard your own feelings like you seem to be doing and only thinking of his.

He should be thanking his lucky stars that he has you, not just you thanking yours.

You should only ever make changes to your body if you feel you want to. Otherwise you may lose more weight but will be unhappy, feel insecure, and probably put it all back on and then some.

How much weight does he want you to lose? What happens when you hit that magic number? He suddenly wants to drag you into bed again?

Sit down with him and ask him what's really going on.

Good luck. Don't compromise yourself and your own needs xxx

Do me a favor - STOP - LOOK IN THE MIRROR - AND TELL YOURSELF  "I LOOK GREAT" if he wants to move on then he made a decision - now let him go.  You go out and be YOU and the HELL with HIM!  Be happy with who you are and not someone or something others want you to be....if he wants a trophy then have at it!

Dave

Original Post by mtobweddingdiet:

Original Post by nasuoni:

If the guy you're in a picture with in your profile is your boyfriend...you're not out of his league.

Ha you took the words right out of my mouth!

You are the beautiful one and do you really want to be with a guy who judges you so harshly?

Ditto these comments... why would you want to be with someone who says hateful, hurtful things to you?!?!?!?! I do not get that at all!!!!

Someone that loves you deeply and truly, and desires you, would never say something like that. That's what you deserve - someone who loves you for who you are, period end of story. Not for who you MAY BE or what you MAY look like after you lose weight. That's BS.

Everyone deserves to be cherised by their significant other no matter their "beauty" or size or weight or any of that. This man should be worshipping you. You're gorgeous, girl, but that doesn't matter one bit - your boyfriend is a jerk. And once you really believe that you are worth that kind of love, where you are cherished and admired and loved for who you are, you will find someone who treats you that way.

He's a jerk and you should dump him. He's cruel and insensitive. He's basically telling you that he wants out.

It's not that you aren't good enough for him. He is not good enough for you.

You need to take a real look at your own physical beauty and stop believing you're not attractive, because you are very attractive.

Run away from this A-hole as fast as you can.

i know myself, and if any man i was with ever told me he wasn't attracted to me, that would be IT. i would not be able to enjoy being with him initmately, because i'd always feel inadequate. i had a guy once offhandedly mention how the girls he dated in the past were all VERY thin, and i've got some curves. it was always in the back of my head, and our sex life SUCKED. it killed my confidence.

you DON'T deserve to feel inadequate. you are gorgeous now, you deserve love and respect now. you won't be more worthy of respect and love at a size 6.  

now don't get me wrong, i am not denying that being healthy is important. i could see someone being concerned or upset if their partner stopped taking care of themselves when they got into a relationship. my ex bf gained a significant amount of weight in a short period while we were dating, and i'll admit that it irked me. not because i found him less attractive, but because i felt like he didn't think he needed to bother anymore, because he already had me.

but in your case you said you've LOST a significant amount of weight. that's fantastic! don't EVER try to do it for anybody else. you need to do it for yourself. like someone else said, if this man is the one, he'll need to be there with you through all the changes life throws at you, kids, wrinkles, etc. beauty fades. i'd let him go as hard as it is, and find some one who makes you feel beautiful every day.    

Love between couples absolutely is conditional. Everyone has a line over which someone they love may not cross. Abuse and infidelity come to mind.

OP: Walk away. He isn't in to you. It doesn't make him a bad person, at least he's being honest. You are lucky to be free of someone that will not ever feel the way, for you, that you do for him.

If you had a choice between being 'better than nothing' for someone or being alone for a while, wouldn't you rather be alone?

its not as if he's breaking up with you because your fat, he's still with you. are you the one who asked him a question to lead to such an answer? you guys are being hard on the guy he's just being honest, i wish more men would be that honest. if it really bothers her that much she should lose some weight