for love or passion ?

Have been thinking about the status of my relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for just under 2 years. He is a sweet, great guy and I can see us being together for a very long time, having kids, etc. etc. We are very loyal to each other and support each other. However, there has never been any passion in our relationship. I am not physically attracted to him or even think I love him, but I do care about him a lot and enjoy the time we spend together. I have not dated very much and wonder if passion in a relationship is something I should look for. I guess my dilemma is - do I stay in the relationship because we get along very well together and can be lifelong companions or should I leave the relationship to take the chance that I may find something better with more passion and excitement? There will be regrets with any decision, I guess I'm wondering what others would do.

Any replies are appreciated.

Thanks  

Wow - this sure is a tough one...

I feel for you because I too was in a similar situation at one point in my life...It was with my college boyfriend and first true love of my life. We fell madly in love with each other in an emotional way much deeper then any physical attraction.

Dont get me wrong, there were lots of kisses, hugs, 'i love you's' and physical touchiing because we loved eachother...however, as we grew together, I could not help notice that the passion that we once had, was going going gone!

We stayed together from age 18 to 23. Five years of my life to my first love. After the first 3 years though, we fell out of love. we still loved eachother, but were not 'in' love....After 5 years, I needed to get out. Without passion and the intimate need for eachother physically, I felt so insecure as a woman, and so ashamed about wanting to physically be with other men. I cheated to get the physical relationship I needed. Followed by feelings of extreme guilt...

We broke up about a year ago, and still remain very close. the truth is this....if you are meant to have someone in your life - they'll be there no matter what. maybe not in a romantic relationship. but be there, nonetheless...

my advice is to break as friends, and then to find yourself. once you find yourself...you will inevitably find what drives you. and there is nothing more attractive then a woman who is confident, independent, and knowledgeable about what she wants.

good luck...and when in doubt - always remember: everything happens for a reason - que sera, sera - what will be....will be

-Jessica

 

I hate to say it but this really seems like a no-brainer to me.  Do not marry someone you're not passionate about.  Because eventually some day you will come across someone you are passionate about, and it'll be messy.  Guaranteeing yourself a life of mediocrity will only leave you wondering how much better it could have been. 

You have to experience the passion to know if you can make the choice to live with out...

But not being attracted or in love?  Get thee gone girl.  Try not to destroy things but... the rest of your life is a long long time.

Original Post by a_life_less_ordinary:

I am not physically attracted to him or even think I love him, but I do care about him a lot and enjoy the time we spend together.

This expression applies to:

1. My cat.
2. My married friends.
3. My non-married friends of whom I am not lusty for.
4. Cheese
5. My shower.
6. Whiskey.
7. The coffeehouse down the street.
8. A crisp Autumn day.
9. Duct tape.
10. The Sims series.

I am fairly sure that, as criteria go, it's not a selector for marriage/lifelong committment. Though I still get a little touchy when I discover my whiskey has been seeing other people.

Jokes aside, think on it this way: you wrote that you may regret either choice. There's the worse option still, that you decide to stick it out with him then meet Mr. Passion and Fireworks.

Your current situation is ugly; that situation is the stuff of tragedy.

There has never been any passion in your relationship and you are not physically attracted to him or even think you love him.

What you are doing by continuing this relationship is very wrong. By leading him on you are preventing him and yourself from meeting someone else who would be a much better match.

Obviously the things you are lacking you desire and you find this to be a problem. Don't kid yourself, and quit leading him on. End it.

If you care about him, let him go. Don't string him along and pretend. You are hurting him by not giving him the chance to find someone who will truly love him.

I think, when choosing the person you'd like to spend the rest of your life with, it's important not to rely soley upon your heart, nor soley upon your head. If you rely on one without the consultation of the other, it's only going to end in resentment and disaster.

That's why if you think that in this relationship your heart just isn't into it, you should reconsider. Granted, out of the two, I would think the heart would follow the decision of the head (ie physical attraction follows attraction based on deeper levels), but it sounds like that hasn't been the case with you.

I think the key is you need both for a happy successful relationship. One without the other is cheating yourself and the other person.

Overall your relationship sounds very positive.  Are you both in the stage of starting a family? Are you both sharing the same goals?  Since you are not physically passionately attracted to him what made you start going out with, what attracted you to become his girlfriend in the first place? 

Passion and excitement do fade in the long run, there will always be someone new that comes along that stirs up passion and excitement but that will not last. The passion and excitement will fade.  Dont you want to look toward the future rather than satisfying the flesh.   

Unlike many of the responses I'm with Siu, of course it's up to you where your priorities are, but passion and lust fades.

Have you been in a serious relationship before?  Are you sure about what you are feeling?

I'm in the same place, have been with my SO for 2 years and the attraction has faded, I know that I love him, I try my best to make him happy but this relationship is different to previous ones that I've been in.

I've done the lust-filled relationships, the excitment, the adrenaline, the cant keep your hands off each other, the absolute heart break.

Now I'm with the man who I can relax with, who is there for me, who will support me through anything that I choose to do.  We work pretty hard to have a good physical relationship, it's not bad my any means but it's not fireworks.

I thought a lot about whether to commit or whether to leave, I chose to stay, to make it work and we're getting married in 12 months.  He;ll be a great husband, a great dad, and I see him with me when I look 50 years into the future.

My Dad once said 'if you need to ask yourself if he's the one, then he's not'

I've always thought that was good advice.

^^ I second that.

I agree passion and lust fade or as I see it, they settle down but they are representative of chemistry between a couple which is much different than compatability. 

Chemistry is what separates someone from being a best friend to being the one and is not worth.

While many make mistakes of looking elsewhere because there relationship has settled down, these are people who are still in love and have an attraction to each other.  Since you have neither, I agree it is a deal breaker. 

Put me on the list with sui and sunnybra.

A person you are compatible with, a person you have common goals with, a person who would make a good parent, a person you can be yourself around, a person you can trust...  that person is worth about 100 passionate flings.

The passion will fade.

Of course, if you think you need something more, you are just going to ruin this relationship eventually anyway.  You absolutely will meet someone who gives you butterflies in your stomach when you think of him.  It won't matter if he's right for you.  It won't matter if you are both taken.  You will meet someone who makes your hairs stand on end.  If you find yourself susceptible to persuing that, your current relationship will probably be thrown out and you may find yourself passionately in love with a man who you can't ever be truly happy with (because you aren't compatible in other ways).  Then again, that man could also be the one.  You never know.

The phrase I find is good to remember:  Sometimes the grass is greener because it sits atop a septic tank.

"passion and excitement" exists when relationships are new and you don't really know much about each other, because you've got your lust goggles on... it fades

the qualities you described between you two are the ones that endure.

BUT you threw at a big red flag when you said you're not attracted to him physically and that matters... a lot.

you should be looking for someone with similar qualities to your current bf that you're physically attracted to.

I agree that the excitement will fade over time. I think the passion of lust should deepen into a more fulfilling passion of love and trust.

The red flags for me from what you've described are 1) not being physically attracted and 2) not sure if you actually love him.

If you feel short changed you will eventually allow resentment, dissatisfaction and longing for something more to build and it will destroy the relationship.

Passion ebbs and flows, but if you do not think you love him in that way, maybe you should cut him loose, before the things moonikins said happen.

Original Post by a_life_less_ordinary:

Have been thinking about the status of my relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for just under 2 years. He is a sweet, great guy and I can see us being together for a very long time, having kids, etc. etc.

And

We are very loyal to each other and support each other. However, there has never been any passion in our relationship. I am not physically attracted to him or even think I love him, but I do care about him a lot and enjoy the time we spend together.

Seem as though they wouldn't work very well.  Are you going to close your eyes and think of England in order to have said chilren? 

What you seem to describe in the second quote is a very good friend.  You need good friends in your life too.  But even if someone makes an excellent "good friend" or "best friend" or "close friend," they won't always make a good boyfriend or husband.  Because a boyfriend or husband is MORE than just a good friend.  Because on top of all that stuff that makes a friend someone good to have in your life, there is passion and love and something beyond friendship.  Physical attraction is a big part of that along with chemistry.  And when you meet someone with all those qualities, you KNOW - in your gut and heart and mind. 

Yes, the initial burst of lust fades, but passion can still remain in a long-term relationship, so you don't need to sacrifice passion for love or love for passion.  But by your own words, you don't seem to have either love OR passion in your relationship. 

I would suggest having a long talk with the boyfriend and put yourself out there.  Any relationship will thrive on good communication and will wither and die without it.  You seem to be building a very good friendship, and you should let him know your feelings.  Small hurts now can save huge hurts later. 

 

I think you have to absolutely be drawn to your partner emotional, spiritually and physically.  I think that passion is necessary if you in your gut feel that you need it.  I think the media/TV/internet has influenced us and distorted our perception of what we need in a relationship.  I have friends who married and seem to have a rather pleutonic connection with their partners and yet they are utterly happy and content.  I don't see that changing, I see them lasting a lifetime.  I don't think everyone craves or needs the wild passion promoted in media.  I am concerned that you doubt your feeling of love.  If you are questioning that then you have major issues that can only be resolved by searching your soul and what you need to feel fulfilled. 

I personally have loved three times, the last is my husband.  The first two were nice guys, fulfilled different external needs in my life.  The second had and has the ability to provide for the life I dreamed of but both of the first two loves were missing something that left me yearning for more.  Wondering if more was out there.  I could not have told you what that more was until I met my husband, who fills my life completely.  I personally needed firy passion and he is the only one that ever fulfilled that element. 

My test in the relationship was to look 5yrs out, imagine nothing but the passage of time has changed.  Would you be content with everything as it is, your job, his job, possibly the addition of children or completion of school, but no emotional, environmental, career changes.  If you feel that you have left something behind, given up something critical to your selfhood to maintain that sameness, are you okay with it.  If you are not then get out.  That resentment of whatever sacrifice will poison your relationship and future and you have a duty to prevent that poison.  My first love and I had a bond that to this day hasn't been broken.  We are friends still, close but absent any romantic attraction.  i have moved on, found my match, I have no regrets and I'm grateful that I can still call him a friend to just chat about life.  My husband knows about him, knows the history and is ok because I have nothing to hide.  A true friend will always be there even if the capacity of the friendship changes.

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it may sound weird but you will FEEL if there's passion...but you also need to figure out what passion means for you; i haven't had any sexual experience b4 meeting my husband. we were both 20 when we met...yes I still get those butterflies in the stomach even after 7 yrs...but for us passion is something more than just passionate sex. Passion is "eloping" for 3 days and just "hanging out" somewhere else than home; passion is saying "i love you" in the middle of the day when we are working...

either way you will feel when it's passion and when it's just "being used" to someone.