Love taboo?

Anyone ever been romantically involved with an unmarried college professor twice his or her age, or know someone who has been? Thoughts, opinions, success/horror stories or just plain evenhanded accounts: I'd love to hear 'em.

I've known a professor who was accused by a former student of making romantic overtones with him.  He is being formally investigated by the college.

The female who is making the accusations misinterpreted some help he tried to give her (she's an English as a Second Language student - I don't know if the misunderstanding is a language or cultural thing), but I do know that the professor hasn't done anything improper.  I think actually she wanted him to fall in love with her and marry her (a friend of mine has had classes with her.)

I'm not saying females who make such accusations are usually lying or anything like that.  It's just that the relationship between teacher/mentor - student/research assistant or the like is complex.

I think it is as inappropriate for a student to try to get involved with a professor as it is a professor with a student.  If the student really cares about the professor, he or she should know that they are putting the professor's entire career and reputation on the line.  If there are questions, the professor will likely lose their job and also not be able to get hired anywhere else.

On a second note - even if such a relationship is very romantic, it is not fair to either person in the end.  The younger person should be free to find a companion closer to their own age, and the older person should be free to find someone at their stage of life.  In the end, there will be confusion, and both will regret the time wasted.

A horror story on several kinds of levels.

Dear God that is like my number one fantasy/ turn on. BUT- sadly not. Sigh.

If this is less hypothetical, more this-is-actually-happening-to-you let me just say JEALOUS! Ethically, I think it's fine. I have no morals. This scenario is just too hot for morals.

I've seen it turn out really well and I've seen it turn into a horror show.

Just be smart.

Of course it's a hot fantasy.  Tons of things are fantasies, but that's what they are, fantasies.  Enjoy them as such, but don't use it as an excuse to make bad choices. 

As a student in college, I got a terrible crush that lasted several years on the teacher who also ended up being my advisor.  I didn't tell him, I had too much respect for him and for the research projects we worked on and published together.

Now, I'm a teacher, and I can definitely relate to the Police's "Don't Stand So Close To Me" with some of my students over the years.  I can relate to trying to rationalize starting something/letting something happen.  But romantic involvement is not my role and as not the way I can do the most good for a student.  It is better to me to model love of learning, curiosity, being true to myself.

If you don't have enough morals to respect yourself -  which is extreme self-abuse if you ask me, then at least practice respect the other person.  Heavens.

Such is the contradiction. I am so interested in this man, but to act on these feelings would be to violate all of the respect I have for him and to warp exactly what I am attracted to in the first place: sensibility, intelligence and unyielding dedication to his work. There is a very little but ever-present voice in my head that reminds me over and over how wrong it would be. But resisting is driving me mad; the more I try to put him out of my mind, the more tempting he becomes. How did you keep from telling your teacher, msheeran?

Actually, at first I didn't tell him because I was shy, I was a freshman.  He was my first astronomy professor, and I fell in love with him, the subject matter, the feeling that the world & universe was at my feet, everything!  I was planning on becoming a piano major, and that was the one class not music related that I took that semester.

It turned out that piano performance is just too demanding and competitive, I knew I had to change my major.  I had always liked science, but none of science classes in high school made me feel like, this one is it!  But astronomy hit me that way, and I am positive that what I felt for the professor was a big part of it.

The astronomy and physics department at my university was small, so I saw him all the time, and in fact had him for three or four other courses during undergraduate studies.  I loved catching sight of him or even overhearing his rich voice.  I almost always dropped by his office during his office hours, always trying to find a "question" about my coursework to ask him about.

I think as my shyness faded, my focus on the actual learning of astronomy and physics (which is tough for everyone, even those who go into it) became more and more important to me.

He was a crush interest but also a guru to me, I wanted to learn everything I could from him, so I think that made it easier to just appreciate him and enjoy being in his presence without making some kind of move.  I think I knew it would ruin everything and I didn't want to upset things as they were.  I just let myself enjoy my feelings (there is certainly no sense in denying them.)  Thank goodness we processed data for the research at the university - he had actually taken the data on long nights at a telescope in Chile.  I'm not sure I could have kept my resolve in that kind of situation!

I met other students who I dated and through those relationships I learned how to relate to a partner fairly and be strong as an individual, and not depend on a partner to "fix" me or make up for any of my personal unhappinesses.  I am now married, and I have a really good marriage because my husband and I have a lot of respect for each other as individuals first and as a partner second.  He has all the room he needs to be himself, and gives me the same room.

I used to be pretty clingy in relationships, but I learned to stand on my own feet and make the best choices I can.

I think that's why I say you would be doing yourself a disfavor to get heavily involved in such a relationship.  The fantasy looms big, but reality and all the beautiful things in store for you are much bigger.  Aim towards appreciating those things.

I think that part, in fact, is like food cravings.  The more you think about eating, the more you want to.  But if you focus on thinking about enjoying the feelings of good exercise or the feeling of the sun on your face when you take a walk, or how you want to get in shape for a backpacking trip coming up in the summer, all of those things have their own beautiful lure.  A shift in focus.

last year When i was 18 I dates a girl that was 25.. not close to double my age... lasted a few months.. ended because i was leaving for the military

Your experience sounds really similar to mine, and I can relate to almost everything you say.  I hope you aren't assuming that I am "clingy" or rushing into turning a forbidden crush into a full-on amateur love obsession.  I've dated men my age, and I've dated men much older; in fact, I had a turbulent relationship with an older man and feel that I kind of know what I would be getting myself into.

There's no easy answer to why I like older men, but I totally refute that it has anything to do with an emotional void that needs filling. I'm nourished pretty easily when it comes to affection, and I don't think I'd become any more dependent on my teacher than I would someone my age with the same life goals as me.  The only thing that would worry me is jeopardizing is job and reputation.

I don't want to be "fixed," I just want to know this amazing person. As difficult as the flutters of excitement and passion make it to relax, I suppose I'll just have to try to do so and enjoy.

Original Post by vron082:

Dear God that is like my number one fantasy/ turn on. BUT- sadly not. Sigh.

If this is less hypothetical, more this-is-actually-happening-to-you let me just say JEALOUS! Ethically, I think it's fine. I have no morals. This scenario is just too hot for morals.

Okay, so.. ummm... Apparently you wanted serious answers. I apologize for my now seemingly very inappropriate comment. In retrospect, it may not be a very good idea for you to start any kind of extra-curricular relationship with a prof. you currently have.

Sorry.

I really feel like an ass.

Or rather an ewe, since I'm feelin' sheepish.

Ha, don't!  I actually wasn't searching for serious answers at all, was just curious about whether this stuff really happens and how it turns out.  But msheeran got me thinking and it kind of just went that way... Honestly, it's always been a complete unabashed turn-on for me too. What makes this case different is that he's almost attainable. Like a dangling professor carrot. Realistically I don't think I could ever come onto a professor, though.

Been involved with older men and younger, I think as long as both parties are of legal age and they click together,why not? As far as unmarried professors go, I'd say just hold off till next semester when you're out of his class, so it doesn't interfere with the learning dynamic.

Someone I know had an affair with one of his lecturers. The prof. had to declare it to the Uni and couldn't mark his coursework. It was also personally a problem for the prof because her husband hadn't known about the affair!

I heard this, and it sounded reasonably civilized (nobody is underage in this scenario, of course). This was the UK, however, and attitudes in other countries might be different. It could end up with all parties in serious trouble. You open yourself to accusations that you didn't really earn the grades you got. He opens himself up to accusations that he misused his position for a romantic involvement, and it is really difficult to prove otherwise.

If you are really serious, I'd definitely wait until you are no longer under his supervision.

If you are at all interested, I used to read this blog about a professor who's had realtionships with students in the past, and his motivations and the situations. Perhaps it will give you some insight into your own situation. He's got a whole category on older men/younger women relationships.

http://hugoschwyzer.net/category/older-men/

PS: I do not agree with everything in the blog. Take Hugo with a pinch of salt. His opinions on everything are definitely not my opinions on everything, although he's an interesting character.

Edited to add: I realised what I wrote above sounded a bit pervy. This guy seems to have quite empathically changed his stance regarding relationships with a younger woman. You will find no lascivious content in his posts!

linden, I have to thank you for Hugo; I've been reading on a near-daily basis since you posted the link here.  I understand what you mean about taking him with a pinch of salt, but some of his musings really hit home.

A personal favorite:

Committing to “leaving doors unopened” is a spiritual and psychological discipline. Like any discipline, it gets easier with practice and the passage of time. When I was younger, I thought wisdom would come as the natural result of the relentless pursuit of every possible new experience. I believed that in love (or at least its physical aspect), any door unopened was a “crime against eros”. I didn’t see my behavior as compulsive, needy, and childish — I honestly thought it vaguely heroic. That was my sad foolishness, but it was a foolishness that hurt many others as well as myself.

I dont think social status or positions should be a deciding factor in who you can or can not have a relationship with.

Unattached adults both consenting....i dont see the problem.