Lovesick and no appetite. (Gay and in an unhappy marriage)

So I have mentioned before, I have been unhappy in marriage and am infatuated with a male coworker.  He keeps IMing me and it makes it hard not to think about him.

I can't leave the marriage, at least not yet at this point, and I can't see him in person because he lives hundreds of miles away and only comes every few months to my office.

It's this bizarre limbo and I get caught up in my thoughts, whether about him, or about my frustration at feeling trapped and the dread of how hurt she will be when I finally talk to her about all of this. 

Today at dinner I just couldn't keep the usually smile and banter up and barely could eat.  In my life I can't remember ever having no appetite.  I'm sure it will be great on the scale, but big whoop.

Also, I guess I have pretty much come to terms with the label "gay" as opposed to bisexual.  I'm pretty sure I still can feel sexual attraction towards women, but the attraction to men seems stronger now, so I'll go with gay I guess.

I have to keep going through the motions of regular family life until my permanent visa is completed.  I can't risk being sent back to the states and losing contact with my kids.  But it's going to be a long 8 months. And then comes the even harder part.

Gay or bisexual men, if you are considering marrying a woman, make damn sure that 1. she knows and is accepting of the possibility that you may not always be hers.  2. You understand what you are getting into.  The thought that I have taken my wife's youthful years and left her with stretch marks makes me feel so horrible.  If she wanted to, I wouldn't mind to stay married on paper, but I can't be a full husband to her anymore.  Don't use a woman you care about as a way to prove to yourself or some stupid church that you can be "straight".

If you REALLY want to start a family with a woman, find a lesbian who's willing and cool with it and you can coparent together.  Leave the straight women alone.

Oh and anyone who might be dealing with this sort of issue, I want to recommend about.com's gay life forums.  The posters there have been a great source of support and ideas for me.  It's still hard, but it has been good having people to talk to who really understand.

http://forums.about.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?nav= messages&webtag=ab-gaylife

Update: As for the infatuation, I knew that was just me being addicted to a good feeling that took my mind off of the reality of what I need to be dealing with. 

So I finally told the co-worker today, and it turns out he is straight, but he was also extremely cool and understanding.  I was crying at my keyboard at work today - a little sad, but also joy to finally be able to tell somebody I know about this and receive support and encouragement!  Although I think I will always have a special place in my heart for him, I suddenly came to see him as a true friend and really decent human being that I was so lucky to meet.  I had the courage to tell him and destroy my fantasy, and now I think that little by little I'll have the courage to tell other trusted friends, and eventually her.  It won't be easy, but it eventually has to be done.

2nd update: Okay, more than a little sad.  I have cried several times today, and I never cry.  The fact that he was so nice made me like him more even though I accept that he's off limits. 

Hugs to you Udokier.

Thanks for spreading this message. I can't imagine how difficult it must be. I hope that expressing yourself in this forum helps give you the strength to have difficult conversations with your wife and kids.

Big hugs to you. 

If you come to Seoul or I make it over to Japan... I'm buying you a nice, large beer. 

Original Post by alibsam:

Big hugs to you. 

If you come to Seoul or I make it over to Japan... I'm buying you a nice, large beer. 

Thanks ali (and mooni and greeneyes).  I love this place, but the folks over there have understood and supported me in a way that they can't here.  SO many have been through the same thing.  I really wanted to share the link - if you are a member here, you are already a member there! 

It's such a weird feeling, I go from this kind of elation from the attention I get from him, to rather adolescent horny feelings to wanting to cry in the course of a few hours.  It's so weird and overwhelming because I have always been pretty happy-go-lucky and mellow and not emotional but its turning my life upsie-down and yet nobody around me knows.  The only friends I've told are back in the states - via e-mail.  I will be seeing one of them when we go back to visit in a couple months. 

Seoul is too cold this time of year, so you better come down here - lol.

Try to remember Udo, that this is not forever. It's only 8 more months. You are not the first person to be in this situation and you certainly won't be the last.

It's a pity you can't begin the dialogue with your wife now, to help her and the kids transition. The amount of pain you will all go through might be better dealt with over as much time as possible.

Regardless, good luck, young man. Try to keep it all in perspective.

Original Post by udokier:

Seoul is too cold this time of year, so you better come down here - lol.

It's not too bad. Today was 10C but I guess that's not saying much. Tomorrow is supposed to be -7C. 

I've got a friend moving to Tokyo in August and another friend is already living there so I'll be coming soon but I know you aren't near Tokyo.

Original Post by kathygator:

Try to remember Udo, that this is not forever. It's only 8 more months. You are not the first person to be in this situation and you certainly won't be the last.

It's a pity you can't begin the dialogue with your wife now, to help her and the kids transition. The amount of pain you will all go through might be better dealt with over as much time as possible.

Regardless, good luck, young man. Try to keep it all in perspective.

The one good thing about it is that when and if I finally do take action it will have been after much thought and not rash or impulsive.  Hopefully I'll be able to reassure her that she is not being abandoned and that I am with her for the long haul as far as financial support and raising the kids.

With your heart in the right place, as it certainly seems to be, this can easily evolve into a loving friendship, as long as she is capable of growth. I hope that is the case. Your kids would obviously benefit, but you and she would as well. :)

Ah ****!

You didn't steal her youth of give her stretch marks unless you were completely lying to her.  She has just as much culpability from the stupidity of youth that you do.  She also got two kids that she loves out of the deal.  While you might get all kinds of abuse for stealing her youth because it makes you feel guilty it just isn't so.  We all waste our youth in one form or another, often with less to show for it.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are in an unhappy marriage.  That must be be an awful thing.  I'm sending you plenty of hugs too.  If you talked things over with your wife and you were both honest with each other, maybe you can work out your feelings.  If she knows that she can always count on you for help with the kids, both financially and emotionally, she might be able to accept things.  I'm very sure that neither of you could be happy in a loveless marriage.  She might be hurt at first, but I'm sure that she wouldn't want you to stay with her out of guilt or responsibility.  You haven't stolen anything from her.  I'll bet that if she is assured that she and the kids will be all right, she will be able to come to terms with it.  I hope everything works out for you.

Having had three male friends in exactly the same position I can tell you that the biggest regret of all of them is that they didn't tell their respective wives earlier.   One was in therapy for about 5 years, and taking anti-depressants to help him cope with whole situation.  Another lived a double life for many years working overseas and being openly gay, then going home to the wife and kids being straight.  The last one is a teacher.. he was terrified that his job would be at risk as well as his family.

In all three cases, they discovered that their wives already suspected they were gay and the news, when it came out, was not actually a shock. Out of the three wives, only one reacted badly but even she wasn't surprised, just disappointed that they'd be splitting up.   The other two reacted with relief.    So everyone was walking around on egg-shells not saying what they thought or felt for fear of upsetting the other and it just dragged on longer and longer.

Don't 'stay married on paper' because that's really unfair on your wife.  She deserves to find someone else and have the ability to get married again should she want to.

Best of luck

Original Post by gi-jane:

Don't 'stay married on paper' because that's really unfair on your wife.  She deserves to find someone else and have the ability to get married again should she want to.

Best of luck

That decision is up to her.  Japan is not the US, and divorce is still uncommon/socially stigmatized.  It's also harder to get remarried.  They even call divorced people "batsu-ichi" (people with one strike against them).  I'm okay with either separation or divorce, whatever she is more comfortable with.  I never want to marry again at this point.

Also, don't forget that your current infatuation is being fueled in part by his being inaccessible.  It may or may not turn out to be something, but part of the desire is for something other than what you're currently living.

You seem to be very caring about her feelings and you should be commended for that.  Try not to beat yourself up.  It's not like you purposely set out to hurt her.  Also I agree with smwhipple.  Sometimes wanting is way more exciting than having.  Make sure that you give yourself time before you get involved in another relationship.  You will need some time to heal too.

Original Post by smwhipple:

Also, don't forget that your current infatuation is being fueled in part by his being inaccessible.  It may or may not turn out to be something, but part of the desire is for something other than what you're currently living.

Yes, I realize that - that and a lot of built-up repression.  I don't harbor any illusions aboutthings with this guy going anywhere long-term if anything at all.  It's almost impossible with him living so far away, and I am not going to move away from my kids. Unfortunately that doesn't change the way I feel...

Having dealt with this situation personally, being the wife who's husband is gay.  Is there a chance that you could speak with your wife about it?  More than likely she already has a suspicion and may be more supportive than you realize.  I would suggest speaking with her about your feelings before you act on them, you will get much more respect and support from her that way.  Good luck to you and good for you for being who you really are!

D

Udokier - I just wanted to comment as a daughter who has a gay father and straight mother.  They are both still married and my Dad lives as a straight man and has no idea that I know.  Finding out was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through, I was deeply in pain because I felt that my life had been a lie.  This was 2 years ago and I have come to terms with everything now and still love my Dad the exact same.  My little sister just found out last year and is dealing with it now and she still loves my Dad the exact same.  My mom found out a few years after they married and they almost divorced, they then decided to stay together and have 3 children.  My Dad still struggles but without their relationship and love I would not exist and neither would my sister or brother...let alone my 2 beautiful children.  Just know Udo that you have brought life into this world and although this is hard you will still have the love from your family.  Best wishes and luck...P.S. you will be in my prayers and I say that meaningfully.  And as a woman with stretch marks all over - they are well worth it!! 

Udokier, I can see that you are struggling with this and trying to do right by both you and your wife. Unfortunately, the culture you live in, where a divorced person is stigmatized, makes things even more complicated for you both.

However, I lived through a similar experience from the other side (I was the wife) and we had three young sons. My husband struggled privately with these feelings for many years, before he finally confessed to me his real feelings, but the length of time between his own realisation and his confession, allowed resentment and hate to develop between us. 

He was acting abnormally, rejecting any closeness, our sex life dwindled to zero (not for lack of trying by me). He was angry for no reason and there were many resentful silences, but I could not figure out why. Yet he was also paranoid and obsessive about my actions and motives with everything. The whole situation did not make sense, since I had not given him reason to doubt me. I tried to talk to him about it many times but was only stone-walled. The dots were all there but I could not connect them. Of course, all became clear after his confession. I could see then, why he might resent and then hate me as time progressed and he saw me as the reason he could not do what he really wanted. I might have been more able to be understanding if I had known sooner. 

If I had known sooner we would have separated then. Giving us both the chance to begin again and actually be happy, instead of miserable. I am not being flippant when I say I considered suicide because of his behaviour before confessing. When he finally told me, I felt cheated. All that time he had lied to me and made us both so unhappy. So pointlessly. Maybe I will never get over that, because I still hate him for it (though I have tried not to) and mostly, I struggle to maintain indifference to him.

Please tell your wife sooner, rather than later. Even if she has suspicions of your feelings, (which is likely) trust me, your non communication will freak her out more. Give her the time to learn to deal with this. However you end or continue your relationship with her, telling the truth about your feelings now, will help you both to build a new style of relationship for the future in which your connection to your children will remain strong without resentment from her.

I wish you the courage to be true to yourself and to your wife.

I'm not really sure how to put into words what I want to say. Reading your post I began to cry. I have a 18 year old gay son and your post hit home. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I just want to hug you and tell you in time things will get better. Your wife has you to thank for your wonderful children and I can't imagine that you would change this circumstance due to the fact that they are here and wouldn't be (the same children) in any other situation. You may want to get the advice of a therapist before talking with her. I just really wish you the best and hope that things will work out well in the end for your family.

::hugs::

I can only imagine how terrible you feel.  I can say that my best friend's dad was in a similar situation.  He ended up talking to her mom a little before her 17th birthday and decided to wait until she turned 18 to tell her and her sister what was going on.  They are still absolute best friends to this day...10 years later.  I even see them sometimes in the Castro together with their boyfriends.  I think the key is talking to her in a way that lets her know that despite the fact that you have loved and been with her for such a very long time, you dont think that it's fair to either of you to keep it from her.  You should both have the opportunity to go out and be with people that are going to be just as in love with you are as you are with them.