A low blow

I just posted this as a blog, but I need some advice. If anyone has been through something similar and has some words of encouragement for me it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

"So last night I was at a party, trying to have a good time because I've been blah-feeling lately. This guy who I have never liked (he's the most obnoxious human being alive) asked me "Madison, why don't you like me?" And I told him--"I just don't, I'm sorry." There was one other person around at the time, and he asked in front of that person so any embarrassment it might have caused him was completely asked for. So, I get home that morning after the party and log on to Facebook and I have a message from this guy. He says "Thanks for showing up. I've tried to be nice to you but I guess I shouldn't have given you that. You're fat and a bitch and you won't be winning any popularity contests anytime soon," or something to that effect.

Why am I telling you this? Because it kills me that even though I have lost 40 pounds and I should be proud of myself for that, people who don't know that I used to weigh more still see me as fat. And although I shouldn't let that bother me..it really, really hurt.

I've felt undesirable to men for the past month--going out with my best friend and her getting tons of male attention with me sitting alongside her watching is not exactly the biggest confidence booster. Yesterday especially I was feeling completely insecure about my weight, but I tried not to let it show. Then this **** decides that just because I don't want to be friends with him he should call me a fat bitch.

I don't know what to do now. My insecurity has skyrocketed. I'm tired of feeling unattractive, even after my hard work. What is so bad about me?"

I just looked at your pictures and you're very pretty! I doubt you're not getting male attention because of your looks.

He probably only made that comment because he was hurt. Not that it makes it right by any means, but you have to expect people to retaliate when you're not so nice to them.

After looking at your pictures all I can say is WOW...you are stunning and look great! Some people are just mean. Maybe he had some kind of hidden feelings for you and when he realized that nothing would come from it he got hurt (like children pulling hair and irritating you constantly).

Anyway be proud of youself and your progress. You look fantastic.

He said that becuase he knew it would hurt your feelings the way you hurt his feelings. Two wrongs don't make a right but that's how it goes nowadays :[

Hey, you don't like him at all so why should his opinion matter anyways? Just remember you didn't want a relationship with him anyways so it's better off with him disliking you as much as you dislike him.

Original Post by moon_doggie:

He said that becuase he knew it would hurt your feelings the way you hurt his feelings. Two wrongs don't make a right but that's how it goes nowadays :[

Hey, you don't like him at all so why should his opinion matter anyways? Just remember you didn't want a relationship with him anyways so it's better off with him disliking you as much as you dislike him.

 Ditto to moon doggie.  The comments were said by a boy that  you couldn't possibly care less about what he thinks.  Do not then in turn let him make you feel bad.  You hurt is feelings, he was just looking at a way to hurt yours.  Either way, shine it on.  You have done a great job so far.  Keep it up,  and show that ass his comments don't bother you.  Good Luck

i've been there lots of times, a guy at the beach, whose dog got into a fight with our dog, took it badly and left a note on our car windscreen calling my partner a **** and that he and his 'whale of a girlfriend' had better watch out. That was 5 years ago and I have never worn bathers in public again. It's really hard to deal with peoples nasty comments, especially when people don't understand why it hurts you. One comment cant hurt surely? they say. But its not just one, its so many, year after year, complete strangers usually, who abuse me in the street for being overweight! I weigh 110kg and am 165cm tall.

All i can say is, try not to let it  get to you, think about your goos points and remember, weight isn't everything.

I agree he was just hurt that you do not like him so he felt he had to retaliate against you and hurt you back in some way. Hon he would not have been attracted to you in the first place if he didn't think you were cute. He wouldn't have given you the time of day.

I looked at your pics and you are beautiful. A real pretty girl. Forget him. Someone that immature you don't need to think of or give him your personal power or allow him to make you feel bad.

Congrats on all your weight loss. What an amazing difference.

Madison,

Hi.  I know where you are coming from.  Of course it hurts.  He judged your whole being negatively based solely on your weight.  Is that a good and accurate measuring stick of a person's character?  Of course not.  Money/income is another poor measuring stick to judge someone's worth by.  Do you know people who use it anyway?  What about skin color?  Language barriers?  Education levels?  Do you see where I'm going?  Those are their issues.  Your are overweight.  A neutral fact.  How you feel about it is what causes you pain.  You are seeing the glass as half empty.  You lost 40 pounds!  The glass is more than half full!  Be happy, be proud, be pumped, be excited.  You did that!  You can keep doing it.  Be aware of how you are thinking about your weight.  Especially when you are feeling down in the dumps.  Write down your accomplishments and read the list when you are feeling blah.  None of us can control other people's behavior.  Recognize it as his problem not yours.  He needs to grow, learn, expand his mind, etc.  You have no power to make him do it though.  You do have power over yourself.  I feel sorry for him.  

He asked you the question because he does like you.  He already sees your good qualities.  He is attracted to them, to you.  Take a step back.  Catalog your good qualities and have your friends and family do the same and write it down.  He reacted so strongly because your answer hurt him.  He lashed out.  Did he intend for you two to become friends?  Does he regret his angry words?  Does he want a chance to apologize?  Do you owe him an apology or an explanation?  Perhaps you could email him back and cite this type of behavior as an example of why you haven't chosen to be friends with him.  Tell him you are a positive, happy, caring, supportive (add to this list with things you and your friends come up with) person and friend.  As such you have lots of quality people to spend time with and choose not to invite mean, shallow, insensitive, spiteful people into your life.  Or just write the letter and NOT send it.  Maybe this guy is a real turkey and you should keep your distance.  Trust your own judgement.  Know that you are the only judge that counts.

Either way I think you will get that confidence boost.  You are not only your weight.  You are taking care of yourself.  I'm proud of you for losing 40 pounds!  (I can't wait until I can say the same.)  Keep it up.  You are lovable just as you are.  There are good, attractive men out there who can see it too.  If you feel ignored when you are out with your skinny friends take a look at how you are behaving?  Are you being a quiet mouse?  Are your negative thoughts about your weight influencing your attitude?  Are all the people your skinny friend hangs out with shallow and stupid?  If so perhaps it is time to ditch skinny friend!  Are all of these people uninterested in meeting a sassy, fun, smart, beautiful woman?  I doubt it.  You are projecting your thoughts on them.  Not fair.  Would you say anything that mean to someone else?  STOP saying it to yourself!  Next time you go out keep telling yourself you are liked and your company is sought after.  I bet you will see a difference in how people respond to your positive attitude.  

My own happy ending... I met a great guy, in great shape, (I'm talkin' 6-pack abs here), smart, funny, thoughtful, handsome...  I'll stop gushing and get to the point.  When I thought no decent man would want me while I was fat I was 100% right!  When I started believing I was lovable as is I was also right!  Your mind is a tool.  Tell it what to do and it will build you a beautiful life!  

As I look back on my young bachelor days, I am glad to say I've never done anything as horrible as that guy did you to. However, I remember guys I know doing stuff like that, and I called them on it. They told me why they did it which translated into something like "She hurt my feelings" or "She rejected me." They felt that gave them some kind of permission to "hurt them back."

It's ridiculous, sad, and petty.

Let me say this before I go any further; if I were a bachelor and you were at a party I were at, I'd most definitely be hitting on you. No question about it. You are phenominally good looking, and I'm sure funny and interesting. Based on your writing, I can see you're smart, so you have all the "awesome" bases covered!

Don't let that tool get to you. He's lashing out in much the same way a stray dog would lash out after being hit by a 2x4. Perhaps he really did like you (ironic, eh?) and you "shooting him down" hurt him. I'm not trying to excuse is or to condone what he did (because it's reprehensible), but the irony in all this is that the very reason he messaged you is because he DID find you attractive and/or worthy of being someone he wanted to get to know better. Your rejection (for very good reasons, may I add) made him feel bad and he felt the need to spread that misery.

Don't let him get to you. You have the power within you to make yourself feel better and to not let tools like him bother you. You're a catch, and to him, you're one he can never get. Take solace in that. Trust me; it's bugging him, and will continue to bother him for a long time.

The good guys are few and far in between, and are worth the time to wait for. They will come to you when you least expect it, and often times when you least want them to. My wife and I met when we were both at a point in our lives when we both wanted nothing to do with the opposite sex and had practically given up. That's happened to most everyone I know; the good ones happen to you every once in a while. The rest... they fall in your lap all the time in a loud and obnoxious manner.

Take care, and be good to yourself. You're doing great. And don't come to Spring, Texas unless you want some 40 year old guys hitting on you.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. Especially to t5jules and marinehead--you guys gave me some really great insight. I've never had high self-esteem whatsoever, so to let a weight comment bring me down is totally within my personality. I hate it! But a trend that I'm seeing not only here, but coming from my friends and family is that I need to be more positive and focus on my good qualities rather than dwell on my imperfections. I've also had this problem for the majority of my life. So, not only will I continue to work on reaching my goal weights, but I will also work on loving who I am right now rather than loving only the thought of what I could be once I lose all the weight. All of you are great support and finding this website was such a blessing. Good luck on your weight loss journeys and if I can ever return the favor of advice, motivation or just support in general please don't hesitate to message me!

The guy's a jerk, and I hope he's not indicative of the type of people you are surrounded with. The fact is the bar scene is, by it's very nature, superficial and unrealistic. It's not the real world. Sure, lots of people have hooked-up and found lasting love at clubs, but most don't. It's loud, you can't talk, it's boozy, and everyone's pretty randy. You really have to find something that engages you...a passion...hobby...cause...educational program....that's where people tend to meet their most significant others.

I know you weren't into this guy or anything, but I know how hard it is for someone to play the fat card when you're trying to lose tons of weight.

My buddy's ex-wife (thank God!!!) used to call me "Friar Tuck". She was rail thin and pretty obsessed with being that way. I had recently lost 50 lbs and she still called me fat when talking about me with my friend...her now-ex husband. Even though I knew she was nuts, her words still found the insecure boy inside the man.

Ouch for you, and screw him. And not for nothing....you can take it to the bank that there are tons of guys who find you crazy attractive...they're just too shy to approach you...and that makes them a million times better than the dudes in the bars -- trust me.

Original Post by freakybunny:

The guy's a jerk, and I hope he's not indicative of the type of people you are surrounded with. The fact is the bar scene is, by it's very nature, superficial and unrealistic. It's not the real world. Sure, lots of people have hooked-up and found lasting love at clubs, but most don't. It's loud, you can't talk, it's boozy, and everyone's pretty randy. You really have to find something that engages you...a passion...hobby...cause...educational program....that's where people tend to meet their most significant others.

I know you weren't into this guy or anything, but I know how hard it is for someone to play the fat card when you're trying to lose tons of weight.

My buddy's ex-wife (thank God!!!) used to call me "Friar Tuck". She was rail thin and pretty obsessed with being that way. I had recently lost 50 lbs and she still called me fat when talking about me with my friend...her now-ex husband. Even though I knew she was nuts, her words still found the insecure boy inside the man.

Ouch for you, and screw him. And not for nothing....you can take it to the bank that there are tons of guys who find you crazy attractive...they're just too shy to approach you...and that makes them a million times better than the dudes in the bars -- trust me.

Wow that woman sounds like a real bitch. People like that are just insecure with themselves and use insults as a way to hide it.

I was at a friend's party, not a bar..but I guess the environment was similar! Hah. I've been told that I'm intimidating, though I can't understand how. I'm very friendly and you really have to give me a reason to dislike you...meaning that this guy genuinely is ANNOYING. I did the only thing I knew to get the point across, and only after he insisted on asking.

Original Post by moon_doggie:

He said that becuase he knew it would hurt your feelings the way you hurt his feelings. Two wrongs don't make a right but that's how it goes nowadays :[

Hey, you don't like him at all so why should his opinion matter anyways? Just remember you didn't want a relationship with him anyways so it's better off with him disliking you as much as you dislike him.

YES YES YES!! Absolutely, he was just trying to hurt you back. What it actually means is that he wanted you to like him and it hurt that you don't!  Could this toolbag actually like you??? If so, he has a long way to go on social skills, but in the meantime don't worry about him, you hurt him plenty by what you said at the party, he just wanted you to like him so bad and it didn't work! Score one for you.

PS: your pics are incredible--40lbs!! That's insane! Keep it up you look absolutely fantastic. :)

40 lbs!  I guess I'm jealous of a fat bitch!

But seriously, there is obviously nothing that bad about you.  You responded to his direct question in a mature way. 

Kind of makes you want to reply "and you wonder why I don't like you?"

And just remember this, most people who saw his message will be appalled (I know I would be) and will see what his true colors are.  They will be focusing on how nasty his comment was and not really what it said.

If you have to ask someone why they don't like you, then you deserve the answer you get.  That question combined with his response makes him an idiot.

After you lose the the weight - and you will - he'll still be an idiot.

You can't fix stupid.

Congrats on your weight loss... keep it up!

Original Post by snapshot8d:

If you have to ask someone why they don't like you, then you deserve the answer you get.  That question combined with his response makes him an idiot.

After you lose the the weight - and you will - he'll still be an idiot.

You can't fix stupid.

Congrats on your weight loss... keep it up!

That's a great point; in an argument with a former co-worker once, in frustration (since he was losing), he said, "Well you're fat anways; who cares what you have to say." I told him something to the effect of "I can lose the weight; you can't lose the stupid." Made everyone laugh and made him go away.