Lying about Religion?

My parents are horrified that I don't believe as they do--born-again christians. They think that I and my children are going to go to hell so that they won't see us in heaven. They feel very strongly about this and probably feel that they have failed me, after all, most of their parenting efforts were centered around making me believe. I did my best to believe because I knew how much it meant to my parents, but really, faith is something that I can't force my mind to do. It doesn't make sense to me.

I can't bring myself to lie to my mom, who has cancer, and not long to live, when she asks me point blank what I believe. My parents brought me up to be honest, and it makes me sick to my stomach to think about lying that deeply. I want to, to make her last days happier, but it feels so wrong, like I'd be a psychopath if I did that.

What would you do? I'm a horrible lier anyway, so chances are it would come out that I wasn't really telling the truth. I'm so sad about this.

sokkies

I would stand behind what I believe and thank her for teaching me honesty.

I'd lie because being a religion means nothing to me as I don't have a religion and don't believe in any, it's just a label to me. I'd carry the label if it would keep my dying mother happier/easier. She would never know (I believe when we die, we die, the end, so... she will never know).

My family is Christian, and when we've lost a family member, I always say things like "at least she's in heaven". I don't believe she is in heaven (or hell for that matter) but it comforts them.

*shrug*

I know I wouldn't be able to lie about that. It sort of sounds like you've already decided not to lie.

I'm sorry you're in such a situation. I hope you're mother appreciates what a kind daughter she has with whatever time she has left, instead of reeling over an issue like this. Maybe just do what you can to show her that she's raised you right, and that you appreciate everything she's done for you. :/

My mother in law is dying of cancer. She is very religious although she doesn't attend church, but prays before every meal - something we have all done together at McDonalds! Everything is in the hands of God, he will heal her, if not then thats his plan for her and she will welcome going to heaven to be with him.

She doesn't know I'm atheist, after nearly 10 years. I think she suspects but would never actually come right out and discuss it, because she wouldnt want to know. It maybe doesn't help I send her things like this link, but I know she would enjoy it and love it.

If she was near death and wanted to have a face to face conversation about God and Heaven, I would lie my heart out and tell her whatever she needs to hear.

In that type of situation it is not about you - it is about her. In the event you do lie to her and she dies believing this lie - it would be something you would just have to live with knowing you helped her the best you could in the end.

In my book, there is nothing wrong or shameful in that and I would have no problem living the rest of my life with that.

You did not say whether or not you've replaced the belief your parents tried to give you with another one or not, just that you do not share their belief. Lying to a terminally ill person in order to make  their last days easier is an admirable thing to do, IMO.  I say lie, and feel good that you made it easier for your mom to die in peace.

I lie about being muslim to my family. It would absolutely break my parents heart if they really knew how I feel about religion. They already think I'm being brainwashed by my philosophy classes that I love so much.

If lying about my religion allows them to live easier then so be it. They would think they failed as parents otherwise, which they have not.

I actually lost my faith a long time ago, I haven't replaced it with anything other than "we just don't know" to a lot of the big questions that are answered by religion. There could be a god/creator... but "we just don't know"...that sort of thing.

I really have lived life so far being very truthful. To me, it's a way of showing respect to people and to yourself, and so thinking of lying is a really big deal to me, especially lying to my mom. But, as some of you said, it's not about me feeling good about being an honest person, it's about making my mom feel happier.

I'm going to try to find some kind of way to give my mom some peace about me and my family. I'm going to give this a lot of thought and do my best. I've already promised to read the Bible again, which I have been doing.

I guess I'll say that I believe in God, and that I'm committed to following his ways. That I accepted Jesus into my heart as a small child and believe that he is still in my heart and has been guiding me all along. Look at my life as evidence, although I haven't gone to church and may have questioned some beliefs, He was always there. I can sort of believe this if I think of it symbolicly instead of literally. I think maybe I should pray with her and talk about how we'll all be together in heaven.

I can tell my kids that God created the world and is love. Heck, I let them believe in Santa and the Easter bunny for cultural reasons, and believing in God does bring a lot of comfort to a lot of people so it's not a bad thing to believe in. I guess I'd like to tell my kids eventually that Grandma is in heaven and that's where we all go when we die so we'll all be together again.

I like to think that I'm a compassionate person, this is really the first time that my value of honesty clashes with my value of kindness.

Thank you so much everyone for your thoughtful and insightful comments.

sokkies

Hi Sokkies,

I am so sorry to hear about the illness that your Mom has and the predicament that you find yourself in. I know that is not an easy place to be.

But I also know that lying is NEVER right and your Mom would not want you to lie to her. Even in her sickness, she will want to know that you are loving, kind and HONEST. 

Why don't you just tell her, if she asks, what you said in your last post? And please, don't just read the Bible "for Mom", read it with an open heart and inquiring mind. If you find the King James version hard to understand, you can find easier to understand versions in everyday English, on the Internet for free.

God, in the form of the Holy Spirit is much like the wind. You can't see it , per se, but you can see the evidence of it in the leaves of the trees in a gentle breeze or the effects of the mighty winds of a storm.

Your Mom and Dad just understand how catastrophic it is to step out into eternity without Jesus.

Picture this:

You are at the Grand Canyon and your child is playing around, as children do. You are taking in the beauty and the vastness of the canyon and the rugged, jagged stone faces of the canyon walls. You happen to look over and see your child peering over the edge of the rim in a small spot that doesn't have any safety railing. Teetering there on the edge of the sheer drop off and certain death if they fall. Would you just stand there and let them fall? I would say that you would do everything in your power to save them. That is what God did for us through Jesus and that is what your parents are trying to do through their lives. 

You wouldn't jump out of a plane without a parachute, don't go off into eternity without Jesus.

Don't lie but give her hope.

Tell your mom that you will seriously consider rethinking about religion. After she has passed, fullfill your promise. Spend sometime and think about every thing. If you still feel the same way you do, then stay the same. Who knows what some serious reflection will lead you?

In my experience, lying rarely pans out for the better.

No lies, honey. The rest of your family would expect you to start worshipping with them after her death, because she would rejoice with them if you told her you believed.

Since you 'just don't know', give her hope about her own beliefs, and let her know you are still searching for yours. 

Don't lie but explain that you are still in the process of gaining religious knowledge and shaping your own beliefs and you are unsure where that path will lead but you are confident that you will see her in heaven if there is one.

I agree with those who recommend honesty.  Lies will always come back to bite you in some way, shape, or form.  And you don't want to set the example of lying to your children.  Be honest with your mom about how difficult it is to have differing beliefs than hers.  I'd be willing to bet she has some idea already.

Best of luck and many prayers.

Do not lie.  It doesn't work.

I am a non-believer.  I've been to many, many churches.  I've read the bible from front to back  ...  3 times.  I've searched.  I just do not believe in a god.

When my father was dying, he struggled with the issue of passing down his Masonic items.  Some were from his father.  He asked me to join a church  ...  become a Mason  ...  so that the items could be passed to my son.  Hmmmm.  Sorry, but no.  Belief doesn't work that way for me.

You have to live your life  ...  and not live it acquiesing to your mother's fears.

I couldn't lie to my mother - especially in one of our last few conversations. I respect my mother and her intelligence and I believe she would know I was being untruthful. 

You said you were brought up to be honest and you seem to value that. I don't think you should betray that part of yourself now.  I'm afraid you'll regret it later (even if it was for the sake of appeasing her).

Find a gentle way of telling her the truth and, as other posters suggested, let her know you'll "work on it". 

Alaskanmama

I would tell my children the same thing - to lie if it helps a person who is dying find peace in the end. I would explain to them exactly why i did it. That would be a life lesson for them - to tell their grandmother they will see her again in heaven whether they believe it or not.

This person is actively dying. Not like the doctor gives them 2 years and you lie. that is wrong, but if they are a day, an hour away from dying - you can make them feel better!

In a situation like this, being honest does nothing for the dying person and it only makes you feel better about yourself, and that is completely selfish.

I will be in this situation soon and I will be lying to my mother in law and my husband will also lie, heck I will probably suggest my kids do also!

I was with my grandmother when she died. She kept holding on and I promised her I would make sure all her cats were taken care of(the only thing she cared about). As soon as she heard that, her blood pressure finally started dropping, and she died within 2 hours.

I knew there was no way I could guarantee such a thing, but I said it anyway. How would she have benefited if I said "yea about your cats, one will be put to sleep, and and the daughter you hate will take the others and let one get hit by a car" ?

I would rather deal with lying, then be the cause for the last thought a person has in this world being "my child, while an honest person, will be condemned to hell"

cpa_pfs - I think you did the right thing in that situation because your father had a desision to make and i would have done the same thing.

cajunrider/trhawley this is a very good suggestion - if is is also honest, otherwise it is just as much a lie as anything else.

kdh: What happens when the OP lies and tells her mother she has been saved? Her mother then tells her father that her daughter has been born again and the OP must then either continue to lie to her family after her mother's death, or worship with them even though she doesn't believe.

While I understand the need to offer comfort, that sort of lie will only make things worse for everyone, and is not the same as promising to watch out for her cat.

one more thing and then i HAVE to get to the gym!

If situation was reversed and I was dying and I was speaking with someone the last thing I would want to hear is "I'm sorry Kim but I have to be honest because being anything else would be disrespectful to you... if you don't accept God now you will burn in hell for all eternity" and then I die.

(but this is actually a conundrum so don't think too hard on it!)

ok for real, my last reply until much later!

kdh: What happens when the OP lies and tells her mother she has been saved? Her mother then tells her father that her daughter has been born again and the OP must then either continue to lie to her family after her mother's death, or worship with them even though she doesn't believe.

Kathgator - then all she would need to say (as i am sure soon I will say these exact words to my fil) "I lied to ease her mind at her time of need, i'm truly sorry if this hurts you. You both believed in Heaven and she was caring enough she would have already forgiven me for trying to help her the best way i could." - and never again would we speak of it or reference it.

To the gym!

I think it is best not to leave this type of conversation until the death bed.