How do I make myself want to do this???

AAAARGH!! I am really struggling at the moment to motivate myself to do this (i.e.weight gain!). I know I need to, at 5ft 6 and 86 pounds with no periods for almost 2 years I am certainly not healthy, it just doesn't seem to cut any ice. I'm not hungry enough to eat more, and I am drinking 2 ensure plus a day ( heaven knows how I am doing that even!). I find myself constantly cutting down elsewhere. ( Managing about 1400 cals, not gaining though as of yet, but so scared of tomorrow for when I weigh myself)

I guess I know I have to do this or I wouldn't be writing this, although it might just be to get my Mum off my back as she won't leave me alone until I put on some weight!! Aargh, this shouldn't be so difficult but I just really dont want to do it............

Any help?

It's called anorexia nervosa, dear. And it stinks. I have it too, as well as many others on this site. The reason you can't make youself want to gain is because your body is SO underweight that you can't think straight. In order to recover, you have to first FORCE yourself to eat. It's hard, possibly the hardest thing you'll ever do, and it STINKS, but you CAN get through it and you WILL. Another thing: Don't weigh yourself. It will only hold you back. Don't listen to those little voices that wisper lies into your head, telling you that you are fat and worthless, because you know what? The nasty little critters that own those voices, aka "ana's minions," are slimy worthless obnoxious butt-faced liars who aren't worth your time. Don't let them win! You can fight this. Don't think, just eat.

Wow, talk about esp... headingup I was about to get on and write about the same feelings.  It is really hard but you can do it.

swimchick_123 thanks for the motivating words.  It's just what I needed... you are right!  The "Ana Minions" (what a perfect description) suck in a major way.  I was so proud of myself to eat a big bagel with PB (non-measured... which is HUGE for me), then I had a cookie at lunch (one that I have no idea what the calorie count was, another big accomplishment for me).  I felt so good and then suddenly looked in the mirror and felt like I've gained the weight back already 10-fold.  I know that's not true as this morning I was the same weight as last week - 85lbs.  Good grief, it's incredible that no matter how much you try and how good you can feel it can instantly turn.  I hate this!  But... you are right, we have to move on and force ourselves to eat.

How did you eat without thinking?  To be honest, that's one of the biggest things I can't wait to get rid of!  Any tips on what helped you - i.e. foods that worked for you?  I would rather avoid the weight gain drinks/powders - as a former Boost Plus drinker, the memories and yucky, bloated feelings are not very pleasant. 

headingup - you can do it!  We'll do it together, keep it up and write when you're in a difficult place, we can do it together! :)

ok its hard but you got to break this cycle. Let me break down the numbers first. Teens need atleast 1800 cals a day just to maintain and thats if they just sit around most of the day you will need more if ur active. Ok advice. Your stomach is really small atm. You will need to eat even though ur not hungry to try and expand that thing. Time to give you some good news(i hope). Once you get out of starvation mode you will have a imediate weight gain(no idea how much prob like 5 pounds or more). Just keep at it like maybe your onyl eating 1400 cals today aim for more the next day until you reach were you want to be

Thank you all sooooo much for being so supportive- the reassurance was really what I needed. I am going to do this, I cannot spend the rest of my life as a "happy anorexic" as my Mum puts it! I am so much more than that. I will really try to force that little anorexic minx on my shoulder to shut up and just ignore the nasty thoughts it whispers in my ear. Kind of problem though, if you don't think about it how do you make sure you eat enough? Don't you end up eating less? Also same for weighing yourself? I'm currently weighing myself twice a week to see where I am, how do you check you are "heading up" without weighing?

    As for the numbers, is there a set no. for starvation mode ? I thought I would have broken that by now as when I was living my life "happily anorexic" before anyone came along to stop me I was eating about 800-900 cals or less daily, since then I managed to up to 1100-1200 and then by changing my morning and afternoon snacks to ensure plus but shrinking other meals down a bit, I upped to 1300/1400/1500 depending on the day. I haven't put on any weight in all that so a little confused. I'm scared to get out of that starvation mode if I'm gonna suddenly put on 5 pounds! My current target weight is 91 pounds (I'm almost 86 atm), and I'm supposed to get there before my A levels which start at the beginning of June, then I'll see from there....( I've only ever been about 105 max so not looking to gain too much).

Anyway, thank you all again, hope everyone is staying happy and strong,

lots of love xx

Original Post by snoopb :

Wow, talk about esp... headingup I was about to get on and write about the same feelings.  It is really hard but you can do it.

swimchick_123 thanks for the motivating words.  It's just what I needed... you are right!  The "Ana Minions" (what a perfect description) suck in a major way.  I was so proud of myself to eat a big bagel with PB (non-measured... which is HUGE for me), then I had a cookie at lunch (one that I have no idea what the calorie count was, another big accomplishment for me).  I felt so good and then suddenly looked in the mirror and felt like I've gained the weight back already 10-fold.  I know that's not true as this morning I was the same weight as last week - 85lbs.  Good grief, it's incredible that no matter how much you try and how good you can feel it can instantly turn.  I hate this!  But... you are right, we have to move on and force ourselves to eat.

How did you eat without thinking?  To be honest, that's one of the biggest things I can't wait to get rid of!  Any tips on what helped you - i.e. foods that worked for you?  I would rather avoid the weight gain drinks/powders - as a former Boost Plus drinker, the memories and yucky, bloated feelings are not very pleasant. 

headingup - you can do it!  We'll do it together, keep it up and write when you're in a difficult place, we can do it together! :)

 Congrats on eating your bagel and cookie! You are doing so well! As for your question: It's hard to eat without thinking, but with practice it is possible. Too make sure you are not eating too little, have your mom measure your food for you. Foods that worked for me might not work for you, because they were the foods that I like! Eat your favorite foods, and it will be easier to get your calories down. If you don't like feeling overfull, which you might experience considering you are trying to gain, eat calorie dense foods like peanut butter or, one of my favs, lasagna or cheese raviolies. Adressing headingup's other question, you make sure you are gaining weight w/o actually weighing yourself with the help of your family or a doctor. Have them stand by you while you get on the scale, and while you make sure you don't look at the results have them look at it.

Hope this helps!

Thanks so much for the response and great advice!  I was just thinking this morning about how frustrating it is that I have "accomplishments" and "am proud of" eating a bagel with peanut butter!  Although it's all relative and my reality... it just proves how frustrating everything can be, but exciting at the same time - exciting in that we all are making tremendous improvements each day.  I'll definitely give the no thinking a try... it's so worth it!! :)

Headingup, please don't be a "happy anorexic"!  There is no such thing... with this annoying brat, Ana, you can never be happy.  If you're thin, you can always be thinner... BAD!  We hate her and let's prove it by getting healthy and strong.  I was at yoga today and I was looking around the room and could see all of the strong healthy people around me.  It made me jealous but also motivated me to get well.

Challenge of the week... I will not weigh my food!  Although it's hard to let go, why not enjoy, right?  Ok!  Thanks for listening and for being so supportive!! :)  It means so much!

xxx!!

I know this might terrify you heading up, but a normal weight for a 5'6" female is between 120 and 136lbs. I don't really know which is worse, being severely overweight like me or being severely underweight but I know its hard if gaining weight is just as hard as trying to lose it. You really have to play around to find your calorie count but 1500 should be your minimum. Try increasing your calories just a little bit each day. Remember, you are not alone.

Ha, IDK if I've ever had an ed, but ive always been paranoid about what I put down my mouth. and how much ive weighed.

i lost my period in april 09 at a weight like at 109. and now im forcing myself to gain weight bc im 99 lbs and my lwoest is 95. im 5'3 and a half and thts not good. im telling myself 115 at a bmi of 20 and i might get my period and thats my motivator. im forcing myself to eat every second that im at home. yes i feel like a pig, but im not stopping. not until i reach 110. and if i gain and nothing happens, i will be pissed.

Original Post by justwantitnow:

Ha, IDK if I've ever had an ed, but ive always been paranoid about what I put down my mouth. and how much ive weighed.

i lost my period in april 09 at a weight like at 109. and now im forcing myself to gain weight bc im 99 lbs and my lwoest is 95. im 5'3 and a half and thts not good. im telling myself 115 at a bmi of 20 and i might get my period and thats my motivator. im forcing myself to eat every second that im at home. yes i feel like a pig, but im not stopping. not until i reach 110. and if i gain and nothing happens, i will be pissed.

 HA! I'm also 5'3, and 99lbs.. and also lost my period at 109ish! ... But if Febuary...:(   Anyways it's pretty close to your story, and still made me laugh!

Sorry; back on the subject!:::: I struggle with the same thing (not wanting to gain that is) It freaks me out, right out of my mind, just the thought of fitting into my OLD clothes again; they're haunting me every day when I open my closet! I just keep telling myself, if you don't eat, you'll loose weight yes, but then Lise(my nutritionist) will make you eat more, than you'll gain more anyways! I dunno.. works for me... I've also heard that talking to your ED voice out loud when it says "you fatty, don't eat that" just say "Shut up ED!!"  I dunno, try it; lemme know how it goes! Good luck! Write me if you need any help or support! :) ♥

Original Post by headingup:

I'm scared to get out of that starvation mode if I'm gonna suddenly put on 5 pounds!

 "Starvation mode" is when you are severly undereating and your body starts hanging onto everything it's getting because it's afraid that it's not going to get more.  Starvation mode causes people to gain easily on far less calories than they would normally gain on.  You want to get out of 'starvation mode'!

Once you get to a HEALTHY WEIGHT (I won't go into this, but your goals are FAR too low.  I am only 5'3" and my goal is 105-110.) your body will realize that you are going to feed it and that it's not in the middle of a famine, and it will start to burn calories like it was made to do!  Then you won't have to count/ keep track of everything that goes in your mouth, your body will be able to handle food again!  It's awesome!!!

Once you prove to your body that you are trustworthy (by taking care of yourself and providing for your nutritional needs), your body will start to trust you!

Also, I know weight gain is not exactly exciting, but if your goal is to gain then you need to be prepared for the number on the scale to go up, and you need to practice ahead of time seeing that as a victory!  If you approach the scale like a gallows, weight gain is going to miserable, but if you can get the mindset that "this is good, I'm getting my health and my life back, this is progress!", then it will be a time of healing and growth for you instead.  Learn to listen to truth, not ed's lies!  And enjoy having a working body again!  You'll be amazed at what it can do!

I think most people have mixed feelings about gaining. I know for me it is a constant but the longer I keep to healthier behaviors the less fearful/anxious/and filled with emotion I am when the number goes up. I agree that changing ones mindset that though it is scary and hard the goal is to gain.This is more the just about a period too. Even if you get to a healthy weight and it does not come back right way being healthy still prevents you from other very major conditions like liver,heart,etc.

Original Post by swimchick_123:

The reason you can't make youself want to gain is because your body is SO underweight that you can't think straight. In order to recover, you have to first FORCE yourself to eat. It's hard, possibly the hardest thing you'll ever do, and it STINKS, but you CAN get through it and you WILL.  Don't think, just eat.

 Sooooo true!!!

Anorexia is a mental illness.  The brain is what's sick, not the body.  (Although the body can get ill very quickly as a result of the ed).  Food is the medicine!!!

This is what helped me.  I saw it as, "I have a mental disorder, in which I am not rational in the area of food/ eating.  The only way to get better is to give my body full nutrition!  Yes, my mind will be screaming at me and telling me to do the opposite, but my mind is sick, so I can't listen to it right now.  Instead, I will trust the advice of those wiser than me, whose minds are whole and healthy!  I will do what they say because they have the proper perspective."

Only when the physical health is fully restored can the mind completely heal.  It's the hardest thing one could do, but it's the only way, and it  is achievable!

Original Post by justwantitnow:

and if i gain and nothing happens, i will be pissed.

Why?  You'll be at a healthy weight and your body will be able to function!  You'll have energy!  You will have shiny hair and stronger nails and muscles!  Your body will be able to stay warm!  What's there to be upset about?

If your only reason for gaining is to get your period, you may be disappointed.  It can take awhile to come back, so I've heard.  And if it doesn't come back, then what?  Will you 'diet' yourself back down to an unhealthy weight?

This is my point:  There are sooo many benefits to gaining to a healthy bmi and renourishing your body!  Focus on the big picture, not just one small aspect.  It's so much more exciting when you notice each small victory along the way!

It is great that you are doing this at all, so please don't take this as criticism!  I just thought it might be helpful to rethink your perspective a little bit.  You can do this, don't give up, ok?! 

you can do it headingup the beginning is the hard bit, you wont feel like like eating the guilt will be horrendous but the only thing to do is to take plunge and to it , it will get easier and seem more normal . the healthier you become you will find yourself getting into what i call positive energy mode , you ll see all the benefits being able to do more , feeling better having more energy , and like bluidechic said your body will be out of starvation mode it will be so much better youll be able to eat more than you think, without worring about piling on the pounds. try to look at it as weight restoration not gain you are building back what should be there good luck h x

thanks everyone else for your  words really helped me particarly swimchick h x

Yeah, I guess you are right, I cant lose much even if I dont get my period back.

But I will still be mad because its like I ate all this junk for no reason, but I am at a healthier weight.

Wont I be more eligible to get my period at like 110 then 99?

Wow, forgot about this site- I started this thread like 16months ago!!!! I just got an email to say it had been updated. I am happy to say I am in a much better place these days! I did get much iller over the summer last year, had a 4 month spell in IP and am now maintaining a much healthier weight of 92lbish, enjoying my life, about to start uni in October! Hope you're all doing ok..love and courage xx

Original Post by headingup:

a much healthier weight of 92lbish

This thread is old but still helpful, sooo......

1. Instead of focusing on the don't-wants, focus on the do-wants: Instead of "I don't want to gain weight," "I do want to have smooth shoulders." Instead of "I don't want to have fattening foods," "I do want food that will give me my period, and make my hair, skin, and nails beautiful."

2. Treat yourself when you reach a new weight goal. I got my ears double-pierced when I reached a short-term weight goal. It made me feel good about how I looked despite having put on weight. Always have short-term and long-term, physical and emotional goals. My long-term physical goal is 115 lb and a period. My emotional weight goal is an ice-cream themed sleepover party with homemade ice cream for dinner, an ice cream snack bar for midnight-snack, and frozen yogurt for breakfast. I'll know I'm recovered when I can do that and have fun without counting calories.

3. I joined a yoga class for beginners. I am NOT saying it's good to exercise. Easy yoga is the only thing I would recommend. It lessens anxiety and builds muscle if you don't have any (you don't f you are really that light). I wanted to do well which meant that I had to eat before to have energy. Then it motivated me to eat afterwards, too, since I knew that was the best time for building muscle. Two extra snacks I didn't have before. And it taught me that my body is a tool, not just for looks. I appreciate it more and want to take care of it. 

Original Post by laralives:

Original Post by headingup:

a much healthier weight of 92lbish

 my poiint exactly

Original Post by laralives:

Original Post by headingup:

a much healthier weight of 92lbish

 

If you are still 5'6", you have BMI of 14.8. I'm sorry, but you are kidding yourself if you think you are in any way healthy or recovered. It's also only 6lbs more since your last post over a year ago when you were asking for help.

I suggest you think very seriously about going back to IP. I highly doubt your treatment team there would have wanted you to stop at 92lbs.