What do you make of this? Please help! (a bit of a long rant - sorry)

A few years ago now I got back in contact with my first love (ahhh!) and all was great for a wee while.  My husband, children and I were moving back to my old town and we naturally hooked up with my old friends which included most of my first love's family.  (lets call him FL for short)  He'd moved about 200 miles away.

Anyway, as I said all was great, he asked me to help him with his business which I did and eventually became a partner in it along with his brother.  It subsequently folded because FL wasn't pulling his weight and also I was troubled as he hadn't told his girlfriend of 10 years and mother of his child of my existence.  I thought that was weird.  He also didn't want to meet my husband although he'd met my children.

Moving on, in January this year after about 6 months of barely talking I get a text from him saying that .. well .. he basically wanted to have sex.  I said it wasn't going to happen we're friends and that's it.  A few months pass where we text quite often (he doesn't like talking on the phone and his job takes him abroad a lot) and we're getting on fine.  He sends me a picture of him and then a couple of weeks later of his daughter, which was a first as when she was born he went all funny and refused to talk about her with me or send me any pictures even though I asked for them.  Then the other week he brings up us having sex again.  I again turn him down and tell him that the best we can be is good friends but that I really want to be good friends.  He's happy with his long term girlfriend and I'm happy with my husband.  He says "very sensible.  good shout".  I take this to mean that we are good friends and all is well again.

We then go to his brothers baby's first birthday party and FL actively avoids me.  I went over and kissed him hello (it's a european thing) he said hello back and that's pretty much all the conversation we had.  I tried to speak to him a couple of times but he made it clear that he wasn't comfortable with that.  I spoke to his girlfriend quite a bit and she seemed really nice.

Anyway, later on after we'd all got back home, I got a bit tipsy and sent him an ill-advised text saying that I liked his girlfriend and he should stop his ducking around and be good to her and how even though he avoided me during the party I still thought we had a future as friends but if we couldn't be because he insisted on wanting more then "au revoir mon cheri, je vous aimerai toujours." which means goodbye my darling, I will always love you.  I have no idea why I went french, I guess it's just one of those things.

Anyway, I've not heard anything back and it's driving me crazy and I'm starting to obsess about it and him.  I really want him in my life as a friend.  I know and socialise regularly with ALL of his family.  And I really will always love him and I'll always be there for him should he need me.

Anyway, what do you think is going on with him?  What should I do?  I feel like texting him endlessly demanding explanations or to tell him that he can just get lost and he'll never hear from me again.  But I can't do that because I invited both him and his girlfriend to our big summer party so I obviously can't un-invite them as that would be rude to her.

AAHHHHH.  Please help me.  I'm going quite mad! Should I just delete him and stop trying to be friends?

PS.  I really really don't think that he is in love with me or anything.  Sex doesn't seem to mean anything to him, it's just something to do!

 

it sounds to me like you should let it be...ie..he stopped the contact and you shouldn't try to pursue it..he should if he wants to apologize...it sounds like a mess that you need to stay out of unless he come and apologizes for what he did and says he just wants to be friends...

In my opinion he is playing you.....Leave it be.........that's all I have to say.

I agree with bootser and ann.  The guy is only keeping in contact with you to keep the possibility of sex open, should you happen to change your mind in a moment of weakness.  He sounds more like a hunter surveying it's prey than any friend I have ever known.  The fact that when in your presence he avoids you like the plague should tell you all you need to know. 

The bottom line:  this man is not your friend.  He is simply an aquaintance with whom you once had a romantic connection.  He has made it very clear that he wishes you to have very little information about or involvement in his life.  I would say that since the two of you still socialize in the same circles, you certainly shouldn't text him like a stalker because you'll definitely be seeing him again, and that would only look bad on you.  At that point you can either choose to talk to him, or simply be civil and courteous.  Either way, this guy is bad news and he shows little respect towards you and your family by pressuring you to do things that would go against your wishes and values.

 

I think you should let it be.  You're happily married; and I'm sure you would feel bad if your husband was flirting back and forth with his ex-  even if he kept turning her down.  I know sometimes we get obsessed/infatuation returns-  but in the long run you'll be better off just walking away and forgetting about it.  Which you will-  quicker than you might think. 

Think really hard about it. What are you getting out of this friendship that you aren't getting from other friends? Why are you so upset that you could possibly not have him as a friend anymore? What makes him that special?

Maybe your own motives are a little skewed. I bet his constant asking for sex makes you feel special and desired, and maybe even a bit powerful.

If you lose him, yes, you'd be losing a friend. But this isn't someone who has good morals from what I've seen, and doesn't seem to care a lot about you (risking your marriage for sex? That's not a good friend).

If he doesn't talk to you, cut your losses. He sounds like a bit more trouble than he's worth.

I find it strange that you would so DESPERATLY want to maintain a friendship with a man who so blatently disrespected you, your marriage and his long term girlfriend by asking you multiple times for sex.
Why would you want someone like that in your life? How does your husband feel about this "friendship?"
Let him go, be good to your husband and find better friends! Ones tht do not want in a married womans pants.

I read it in the following manner:

-he only got back in touch with you/remained in touch with you to keep the possibility of sex open. He has no interest in being "just friends". He went all weird when his daughter was born because you fill a "potential mistress" role in his life (incongruous with sharing one's new baby info) and not a "friend" role. Same with not wanting to meet your husband.

-your final text was actually a very good act of closure - reiterating your conditions and your desire for friendship, but setting up a simple way for him to remove himself from your life if that is not what he wants - with your "aimerai toujours" as a poetic touch. (And a final, graceful way to say, if you want sex, this won't work out). He has not contacted you since because he received the message loud and clear.

-odds are that he will not show up to your party, no need to formally uninvite him. If he does, he will be distant and interacting mostly with his family members. He will be, and is probably already, petrified that you will rat him out to his girlfriend. You probably made him poop his pants at that party when you talked to her for so long.

Basically, be proud that you did the right thing in a memorable and lovely way, that he will probably want you for quite a long time and think fondly of you, but will also recognize that you are better than "just a mistress". You acquitted yourself well enough in your final communique (telling him to be good to his girlfriend, reiterating your position and feelings). And try to stop wanting to be his friend because that won't happen. The only time that is possible between former lovers is when there is no romantic or sexual desire for each other - and when you are honest with yourself, you will recognize that this is not the case for either of you. Everyone needs "the one who got away", that's a perfectly honourable and interesting role to fill, and you can be that to each other... but that means that you don't get to be friends. You gave yourself the perfect solution in your original post: "delete him and stop trying to be friends".

Thank you all very much, especially trustwomen who made me happy and sad all at the same time. I think you got the situation completely right.  It's funny how, even though I think I knew it deep down, it needed somebody to spell the situation out to me.  ie: 

 "-he only got back in touch with you/remained in touch with you to keep the possibility of sex open. He has no interest in being "just friends". He went all weird when his daughter was born because you fill a "potential mistress" role in his life (incongruous with sharing one's new baby info) and not a "friend" role. Same with not wanting to meet your husband. "

I know that you are all right, (it's pretty unanimous!) and I'll not contact him again.

Thanks again.

 

Trustwomen covered it all. I completely agree.