Marital Relations

The vent topic got me thinking (I shouldn't do that to often it creates trouble)

When you are married and in a commited relationship, what do you do when the physical intamcy goes south.  You love your spouse but have days that you don't like yourself, or them and the thought of sex turns your stomach, what do you do?

Things that aren't an issue:

No cheating, no thought of leaving, no physical limitations, no mental illnes (diagnosed anyway)

Things that are an issue:

Your weight gain, his weight gain, being tired, feeling under appreciated, feeling ugly....

How do you get the magic back?

Instead of letting things go silently by and then arguing about it because tension finally hit that spot... my husband and I sat down and had a heart to heart.  I was physically limited for a while because of my knee but after that I did let the weight and feeling worthless because I couldn't do my 9-5 job really interfere. 

I stopped letting me feeling awful and being depressed effect me and just started listening to my husband telling me that I'm beautiful to him.  It wasn't easy but I finally accepted that I'm a work in progress and taking it 1 day at a time is the best I can do for me.  He got a gym membership for his birthday and seeing him get back into shape did push me a little.  Now we can voice frustrations to each other so I think that helps.  Keeping communication open rather then holding it in was our key to getting things back in synch.

I know getting out of a comfortable rut helps. We were sitting on the couch every night with dinner, a bottle of wine or beer, and watching DVD's after work...meanwhile, I am bored out of my mind and gaining weight like a champ. I told him that I can't do that anymore. I am unhappy, I feel ugly and I have never been one to sit in front of the television. This week I have lost four pounds. Our love life will be much hotter when I don't feel like blacking the windows out !

i thought this thread would be about obtaining and retaining possession of the remote control

but, probably just honest, loving communication about how you feel and an invitation to do something new and different together - slug through the being tired and you'll be glad for it later

Obtaining and retaining pssession of the remote control is something I gave up long okay.  You see I am not sufficiently advanced enough to understand the delicate sensibilities of surround sound and high def equipment.  i am lucky I am allowed to use the DVD player with my Leslie Sanson Walking tapes.

I blocked the porn websites from his computer so he wouldn't keep masturbating out all of his frustrations.  He was always sexually satisfied when I got home from work and by the time he was ready for intimacy, I was out the door for my next shift.

I also stopped working long shifts in excess and only have one a week, if that.

granted, for those who are not yet in that place where things can get stale...DON"T LET IT

for the rest of us...we need to work on it just like anything else in our lives that is worthwhile...and a sex life is worthwhile for sure!

I have actually talked to a bunch of men about this...and wanting and expecting a "barbie" type body really isn't there...yes, it is for some but as they mature so will thier tastes...so unless you are married to a 23 year old they will appreciate and love softness and curves.  stop thinking that your body isn't hot.  remember you are with someone who loves you and that even adds to the hotness of your body! 

this is an area I have struggled with, but it is true non the less... STOP POINTING OUT YOUR FLAWS to your partner...B gets so mad at me when I do.  He really doesn't see them...he sees the  "whole" me...not the spots that I see that aren't what I would like them to be.

next...GET AWAY.   it may not be in the budget, but you can find a way...listen to a time share deal...it will take 2 hours of your time, but you will most likely get at least a night or 2 in a resort from it...done THAT often :-) you need some time to be 2 sexual loving adults and not people with jobs, kids, mortgages, yardwork, laundry

get creative...bring in some toys...enough said

be honest in what you want...and let him be honest too...no judging.  And even if it doesn't seem like something you would like...try it at least once or twice...you may be surprised.

B and I have been accused of being like teenagers...from our teenagers...we have had "boring" times but we really work at it to make sure it doesn't say that way.  

Good Luck!

Mine doesn't need the porn to masturbate.  he says he has the perfect picture of me in his head.  Yeah me!  I am going to assume that picture is from when we met, or after I had our daughter.  I am happy it is me, but I just can't return the sentiment at this time.

You don't have to be at your ideal weight to feel attractive.  Find some flattering clothes, get your hair done, put on some makeup all of these things you can do now.  Make him do the same (he can skip the makeup).  Then dump the kids and go on a date like you used to.  Relax, have fun and listen to him when compliments you.  He really does mean it.  You will feel much better about yourself and sexier after that.

a hotel room + a bottle of tequila + a suitcase full of toys.

Sometimes you gotta just break out the trouble makers. :)

Kathy...I totally agree with you!

I don't know about you gals, but getting dressed up to go do something always makes me randy. If we go to the theater or opera and he wears a suit and tie, I'm ready to pounce on him when we get home. Plus, it helps if I'm wearing a sexy dress.

just doing anything out of the ordinary can do it!  take a class, go to a show, go roller skating or ice skating.

break the routine

Sometimes a non weight related physical change is good. I changed my hair color and felt all kinds of sexy.

Also just doing something different. Someone mentioned changing up the nightly routine of TV  and DVD's.. I bet this is the first time Scrabble has been used in a conversation related to "randiness", but instead of watching TV in the evening, play a game of scrabble or a card game. The change in routine is good, plus while you are talking and hanging out you will both be reminded of why you like each other so much.

Meet him somewhere. If I'm out somewhere and meeting my man there, I swear I feel a twinge of pride and giddiness when he walks in the door. Like "Hell, yeah, that yummy man is here to see ME!"

Original Post by trendstudent:

I don't know about you gals, but getting dressed up to go do something always makes me randy. If we go to the theater or opera and he wears a suit and tie, I'm ready to pounce on him when we get home. Plus, it helps if I'm wearing a sexy dress.

 If there's room for a guy in this conversation, I would totally agree with Trend.  My girl and I aren't married, YET.  But we did get into the rut and this is how we got out of it.  We went back to going out on dates.  Not just a ho hum, going-through-the-motions-kind of dates.  But dates like you did when you first met.  We get dressed specifically for the date - not just whatever is clean or what you wore to work.  Showers, make-up for her, shave for me (and her if you roll that way), perfume/cologne - the works.  Basically, like you still want to make a good impression.

And when you're on the dates, make them count.  Don't just watch the movie - makeout during the movie.  Don't just hold hands - make an inappropriate derriere grab when nobody is looking.  Don't just go shopping - share a fitting room (we never actually buy the clothes).  We also just discovered 'sexting'... good times.

ok... so that's what we did.

Sorry Snaps, I didn't mean to exclude the guys! I'm not brave enough for sharing dressing rooms or butt-grabbing but it is nice to go out for a night on the town.

omg! perfect situation to have an accountability partner for exercise!

join a gym, compete with eachother, or do some aerobics classes together!

that's what i'd love to do.

plus, exercise endorphins make sex better.

DO IT!

Exercise is good....feel better about yourself and help your partner feel better about themself.  Remeber, everybody, however fit, harses on their own self worse than anybody else ever would.  Stroke your partner...make them feel hot.  Nobody is more credible than you--give it to them...make them feel cherished and valuable.  Is that part of what promised when you made your vows?

* yes I know it's grammatically incorrect.  But it's gender neutral.  Gotta pick one or the other in English *

Okay, I'm listening to all of you . . . what type of sex toys would be good for a husband and wife, ages 43 and 45, to bring on their 20 year anniversary to spice things up a lot???? We will be travelling for a couple of weeks and leaving our 3 teenage girls and 11 yr old son at home (w/ a responsible adult) . . . what should I bring to make it really sexy/hot for BOTH my husband AND I and where do I find the "toys"?

Original Post by 100orbust:

Okay, I'm listening to all of you . . . what type of sex toys would be good for a husband and wife, ages 43 and 45, to bring on their 20 year anniversary to spice things up a lot???? We will be travelling for a couple of weeks and leaving our 3 teenage girls and 11 yr old son at home (w/ a responsible adult) . . . what should I bring to make it really sexy/hot for BOTH my husband AND I and where do I find the "toys"?

I messaged you a suggestion. Link has pics of toys might not be so appropriate for Calorie Count!

You could check out Pure Romance products. Girls do the home shows with those products...like tupperware used to be. You can also buy the stuff online. Just google Pure Romance. I don't sell it, by the way.

Also, just walk around one of those stores like Lovers Lane or Priscillas if you have one by you. Some stuff is over the top if you're not used to it but it's worth looking into.

For your anniversary, you could get white lingerie and little veil or something and play dress up.