I think my marriage is turning into sambles...

Lately, our arguments are getting vicious.  He threw things everywhere in the house.  He was like that before I married him.  I had decided then that I would not married a man who cannot control his own temper.  I had never threw things in my life no matter how angry I was before I met him.  Now, I threw things when extremely angry but not often like him.  I am ,after all, able to control my own behavior.

I am not angry at him but have difficulty to live peacefully with him.  He would start one house-remodeling project, and we would have to live in that never-finished condition until we moved out of the house.  His concept of pulling cable himself was digging many big holds on a wall.  I did not fault him for what he tried to accomplish by digging holds, but I just had have enough of living in a house worse than a house under construction.  I got pretty upset.  Now,  I would have to live in a house full of holds till who know when the holds would be fix.  

As usual, we had arguments.  He got angrier and angrier at me, saying that I looked down at him.  Lately, he started to say that I was as bad as him.  I guess he might be right.  To be able to live with him, part of me had gradually changed and became a person like him.

We have children, but the idea of leaving him kept popping up.  I don't know how I would be like if I leave him.  I have been a stay-at-home mom for the best part of my young life taking care of our children.  I am in my mid 40 now.  I don't see any future on both staying marry or being single.  He is a man with a successful career while me, a stay-at-home mom with no career to be proud of, no wealth to speak of.  Who want a middle-aged woman with children!?  .........................

start saving up some money.... ever think about going back to school? You can get a nursing certificate as a CNA in 6 months and make descent money..then maybe go on for a nursing degree..or something else--just an idea...Go back to school and have him or the government pay for it--save your money and then leave......or do you have family/friends you can live with???

When i was growing up i had a father that was a bit the same, we could see when he would get angry and see his wrinkles clear out and he would start grinding his teeth.. then the slap on the face came...

I can not give you advice as i am not married, however i see how in my family it turned, my mom was in the same situation as you home mom taking care of the 3 kids. My dad used to come home with all the stress from work and if we said something or did something wrong then we got yelled at... if our grades were bad she and us got yelled at .. we had to actually wait a "good" to give him the monhly reports.. at one point where they were yelling at each other she just shouted that his 3 kids are **** scared of him and that he is not realising that he does not have a relationship with his kids. He did get brutal sometimes with us and we just learned to cope with it.

I hope that your husband is not putting his anger towards the kids, otherwise then he needs anger mangement, because it can seriously harm them...

Have you tried sitting down with your husband to discuss what is really the problem behind? Perhaps too much stress at work..

While i was looking into stuff about mariage i found this, its quite interesting and for many cases so true, with my fiance we have hit a problem where both of us work, i finish much later then he does, he spends more time at the bar with the friends, if i cook he is late etc... basically i end up now not depending on him or not even trusting his word. When he says i will be right there i go ya i know you.. does that mean in 2 hours... i know my issues are not as big as yours might b but it got me thinking as too will this be the case after mariage.. with kids etc.. so then started to do the research.. I really suggest reading that book its quite eye opening and this website scribd.com is really good for free books, kind of like Youtube..(link at the bottom)

For me, wel i learned how to do the fixing myself.. as i could not depend on him to do them, i repainted the apartment by myself while he was at work, i changed the door knob which was rusted in the door (well got it wron the first time, and now its stuck ehehe so we cant really lock the bathroom door), installed a new sink tap, install the new lights etc...

The best would be to sit down and discuss, admit that you have probably changed, and each one of you takes turn to explain what you feel as friends, no one needs to be critical (very important as they say in the book).. and try the exercises of the book to reconnect.. if you still love each other all you need to do in order to see if its solvable is to look back at the past, how you felt and see how it changed. But as i say i am not married ... not yet so i cant really give advice but i was quite surprised when i read this book to see where i am and how i can fix it. Hope all this help

http://www.scribd.com/doc/322740/Seven-Princi ples-for-Making-Marriage-Work-J-Gottman

bootser1:  I will start looking into the nursing school.  I think I can plan for a 6-month school.  Thank you for lighting a hope for me.

sintiachita: I am reading the book you recommended.  I don't know if I want to stay marry or out of it right now.  But, no  matter what decision I will make, I think I need to start schooling myself to live without him and possibily my children.  I need to be able to earn my live if not for supplementing my family but for me.  Thank you both for answering my post.  Sometimes, it is just a wonderfully feeling to be able to rely on strangers' kindness.

Sometimes health insurance will cover therapy. I went to one by myself for a few sessions and then, in order to bring my husband, I had to say that he was there because I was having a problem that he was involved in, DUH! It had something to do with the wording in order for it to be covered. So, anyway, check in to that.

I'm no expert here, as I am a divorcee but I have been through some hard times in my marriage. I think that it's great to read the books and make an effort to turn it around. However, you can't do it alone. If it's too delicate to talk about with him, maybe he'll see your book and realize that you're at least making an effort.

As far as guys go, it seems that a lot of them think that their women think less of them than they actually do. I don't know how to fix that if the guy gets enraged and is just generally kinda mean.

Good luck to you. I would definitely look into schooling, saving money and social programs that you may have to depend on if you do become single again. A little note: an amicable divorce is much cheaper than fighting over possessions. Even if you can't talk without fighting, it's a good time to unite to make it easier on everyone, especially the children.

"got me thinking as too will this be the case after mariage.. with kids etc.."

sintiachita, yes he will still be the same person with the same habits. sounds like you two need to come to some agreement. let him express his feelings & you yours on the subject, then find some common ground.

srlhome, sounds like you have a plan. even if you stay married or if you dont, taking control & giving yourself options will give you more confidence to do what you think is best.

I'm in my 40's, too, and a stay at home mom.  Ask yourself the question, will I be better with him or without him?  Will my children be better one way or the other. If you divorce, your children will spend time with him away with you.  I agree, get an education.  Sounds like you don't want to upset him by going though, he may want to know why all of the sudden you want an education. I hope it all works out for you.  Good Luck!

I think its really good you will be giving the studies a go, i think being independant is very important, build confidence and if things comes to worse you will be able to take care of yourself.

For me, well i know we have issues, sometimes i have to look at my actions as well, see why exactly im so upset with him, is it really because of the current problem or something that lies beneath. Sometimes i wonder if the one for me is him or someone else when things go bad... i know he loves me its just sometimes he gets on my nerves ...

He will be going away for 5 month back to europe to finish his studies, which i think is very good.. a good time to let me step out of our routine and see ...

Mariage for me is more like a contract... and nowadays its nto that important to get married, thus why im not in a hurry.. I hate as well the french wedding styl.. so boring..

The best would be to sit down (kids away) and talk, not judging, see what he thinks / feels and see what you think and feel.. No blame, just 2 friends talking about the issues going on.. if one of you puts out any blame then the conversation is as good as over.. find the friendship you 2 had in you and appraoch the situation from that point. Get to talk in the sake of the kids at least.. as any negative environment will come out on the kids at one point. I see it in myself growing up, i punched / kicked doors, cupboard... when we faught with my sisters it came quite violent sometimes (almost strangling one of them)... once my dad changed his attitude and realised his mistake it all became slowly better.. I still have my violent stages and take it out on furniture from time to ttime when something goes wrong.. and itis something i need to work on.. dealing with problems the non agressive or violent way.. So for the sake of the kids (depending on how old) attitudes adn behavior need to change and be discussed...

I wish you all the best

Do you love him? Even if you don't anymore, it's about committment.  (Disclaimer here:  if he's hitting you or the kids, then none this applies).  What happened to trying to fix things. 

 I've been a divorced mom for 18 years or so.  Looking back, I wish I had sat down and talked to him before leaving.  Have you tried to say to him, "I want to save this marriage......can we talk?"  My ex is still somewhat of a deadbeat, but our marriage would have worked if I had tried to work on it a bit.  He loved me and we would have made it.  Even now, we are still very good friends.  If we would have only even had the friendship left after 18 years, it would have been worth it.  It's hard having a relationship with someone, it's flat out work.  But, being alone and single isn't all it's cut out to be either.  Both have their own pros and cons. 

Have you considered hiring a contractor to fix the house?  Fixing holes in walls would be pretty daunting for me to undertake by myself, but if a contractor/carpenter is too expensive, I think I'd try it.  My aunt lives in a home like this, where her husband starts all sorts of insane projects.  For as long as I can remember (and I'm 38), their house has always been torn up, able to see the drywall in the walls and so on, holes, etc.  I would not be able to live like that - although, over the years I've wondered why my aunt didn't take things into her own hands and see to it that the place gets fixed. 

My mom, on the other hand, also is married to a man who is not very motivated at home.  My dad, he's worked all of their married life at the same job and makes good money.  Has always supported her and the family financially, but does NOTHING at home.  If it would be up to him, the buildings would be falling down and the grass would not be mowed, weeds overrunning the flower beds, roof leaking, etc.  But, she refused to live like that and has made their home beautiful over the years and it's the place the relatives come to when there's a family gathering.  SHE has made it something to be proud of.  Everytime I pull in their driveway I respect her a little more.  And over the years, I've come to appreciate that Dad always provided for us.  There's a lot of men out there that don't - my ex-husband included. 

Love is not something that we feel, it's something that we do.  It's committment.

I was trying to find any information about CNA school.  So far, I found out I have no idea of what and how to find a right one.  Can you give me some direction?  Thank you in advance.

Original Post by srlhome:

  He is a man with a successful career while me, a stay-at-home mom with no career to be proud of, no wealth to speak of.  Who want a middle-aged woman with children!?  .........................

 

I just want to say that being a stay-at-home mom is most certainly a career to be proud of! Children are a person's greatest legacy and the only thing of value we leave behind...don't beat yourself up because you aren't in the "workplace" like society demands :-)

try these

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Certified_Nursin g_Assistant

http://www.cna-network.org/

http://www.bls.gov/oco/ocos165.htm#training

http://www.courseadvisor.com/browse/subject/h ealthcare-nursing/nursing-patient-care/certif ied-nursing-assistant-cna

 I feel badly for your circumstances regarding your family. It's difficult to think about things in a rational manner when emotions are high. I suggest that you think about the problem as if you were standing outside of it. The truth is you may need a career for you. It's an outlet for stress for some people to be able to work throughout the day. I realize people complain about their jobs on a daily basis. However, . . . Sometimes we have self worth issues because we haven't one. Or ... We aren't using our full potential in life. A lot of stay at home spouses grow older and realize they never ' did anything ' because they were busy raising a family. That something you should be proud of because it's one of the hardest jobs in the world. However, it's  also important for you to do things for yourself as well as husband/family. There are goals he's set in life that I'm sure you went along with in order to further your family. There comes a time in your life when the table turns. Go back to school if only for a 6-12 month program. This is something that you should do for yourself. In doing so it would give you a sense of independance within the relationship. There is no reason to feel as if you're within a trap without options. There are lots of options for you and your family. Sometimes couples need to reevaluate their standing. Sometimes we're standing on each others potential. We unknowingly hold each other back from progress. There are things that upset both of you about each other. I'm sure this isn't completely one sided with your disdain for him. It goes two ways and most times it's an equal fault. The best thing you can possibly do is talk about things in a constuctive way. Okay. He doesn't finish household projects which leaves your home in shambles. Suggest: A handy man  There is a way to go about it without hurting his pride. Express that you understand how difficult it is with a full time career to support your family. It's stressful to have to finish mundane household projects, as well as chores when you work full time. He's obviously a good provider that's one quality that you mentioned. I think you should share with him that it's something you appreciate. Everyone always does so much for themselves once they're  ' out ' or ' trying to get out ' of their relationships. They lose weight, start hobbies, careers, ect. Perhaps, if they tried doing all of these productive things while still ' within ' their marrage it never would've crumbled. Sometimes shifting our goals is productive to our overall happiness within our life. Others tend to appreciate us more when we feel good about our own standing. The newfound pride is something that transpires change in your life.

You should express good and bad to your husband. " Baby, I see you working hard to provide for our family. I want to let you know that I admire what you do. That I need to reassure you that I appreciate what you do." That may sound corny but actually mean so much to him. Just to know that you're proud of him in that regard. It can build a bridge between us to bond when we encourage each other when we're proud. If you two were to communicate clearly what you do and do not like it may help change things. My husband inspires me by doing so much for our family. There are things that each of you dislike about the other. There are problems ... I'm sure. I just think that you should focus on the good and work on the bad together. Communicate. Work on things in your life with intent of creating a better more productive life. Not so you ' have an out.' The intent to create opportunities for yourself is productive. It's something that you should be doing for yourself and family. It may actually help your relationship with your husband too. The fact the extra money could be used to pay a handyman to repair the ' projects ' your husband started for example. It may relieve stress on him that you're capable of helping to finish the projects in some way. Actual work or by contributing to the cash flow. There are ways that you two can both work on your relationship. I don't think it's ever acceptable for someone to throw things or lash out in anger. I would suggest that you two talk about other outlets to express yourself. My parents had that flair of temperament that leads to their breaking point. They were always on the edge nearly ready to throw something or worse. My mother is a sweet lady but she wouldn't let him just walk away. She always chased after my father when he wanted to ' walk ' off. She wanted to ' talk ' and he wanted to ' walk away.' That doesn't mean that he wouldn't have talked later. He needed to walk off in order to hold himself from saying things he didn't mean. In order to keep himself composed and consider the situation fully. She couldn't leave him alone she always had to have it out till the bitter end. I'm not saying things were completely her fault, but it's something she could've done differently. Just let him... walk off. Let him cool off. Compose himself and think. Sometimes people honestly do not need to talk anymore. They realize they're close to a breaking point and need silence. That could be something that you need as well. There should be a key word if you two aren't capable of just stopping. A word that means " Time out " because you both know that you need it. You realize that the temperament you both share causes destruction.

 I suggest that you two read Gary Chapman’s best- selling book, The Five Love Languages.

Here's a small passage from the book:

"Aside from verbal compliments, another way to communicate through “Words of Affirmation” is to offer encouragement.  Here are some examples: reinforcing a difficult decision; calling attention to progress made on a current project; acknowledging a person’s unique perspective on an important topic. If a loved one listens for “Words of Affirmation,” offering encouragement will help him or her to overcome insecurities and develop greater confidence. "

 This book will help you learn to communicate with each other in so many productive ways.It's a wonderful book that brings about a lot of productive discussions. My husband and I actually read it together for a book club with friends/coworkers. It's a thought provoking book that will teach you so much about communcation which is key in a good relationship.

Fyi: If he's hitting you or your children there are places to go. Women shelters ect that will help you. They will take you in as well as your children and help you to find work ect while your children still attend school. There are different women shelters that they can send you to for help. That way you aren't in danger of being spotted,ect. They will make sure that you have a safe place to rest and protect your children. There is no shame in calling out for help when in dire need. I don't think you should try to ' stay ' and 'save up' Or ' stay ' and 'work on it ' if you or your children are being physically abused.  There is no shame in humbling yourself to protect yourself and children. I'm not sure if this applies to you or not I just wanted to let you know. Incase ...