Marrying a Divorcee, would you, have you, etc

I'm just curious on what other peoples thoughts/opinions/experiences are. How do you feel about marrying someone who has already had 1 divorce? (You have never been married)

With about 70% of the population having been divorced this is probably very common, so please feel free to share you experiences or advice.

BTW I'm not engaged or even have a boyfriend, I'm just curious.

When I started dating J, it was the first serious relationship I'd been in.  He was divorced from his first wife (old school southern shotgun wedding) with a cute daughter.  I married J last year.  I think that having to deal with the ex on a regular basis because he had a child is harder than if he had just been married and divorced with no kids.  My husband's first wife will ALWAYS be a part of our lives because she's the mother of his child. 

IMO, with the way some people approach marriage, you may actually be getting less baggage to marry to a divrcee than you would to marry someone who's been a dedicated long-term relationship.

The friends that made me think of this actually has a child too, so we'd have to deal with his ex as well.

I don't think there's one single experience - relationships are varied and divorcees are not a homogenous group.  As the above post says, there are bitter divorcees, happy ones, ones with kids, ones without, ones with annoying ex-wives or (strangely) ones that are on very chummy terms with ex-wives.   As with any relationship all you have to make sure of is that you know as best you can what you're buying into....

At my age (44 and a divorcee!) the men available are either the ones that have been divorced themselves or have never been married at all.  And, to be honest, the ones in the last category might be there for very good reasons! 

At my age (44 and a divorcee!) the men available are either the ones that have been divorced themselves or have never been married at all.  And, to be honest, the ones in the last category might be there for very good reasons!

Gi-Jane -- there are also the boy toys who have never been married because they are too young! 

I am engaged to a divorcee, and I have never been married.

He was married for 10 years and divorced for 3 years, when I started dating him. He got married very young (21) and basically he and his ex-wife still had a lot of growing up and maturing to do after they were married. They eventually grew apart. There is a lot more to it but that's the short version.

He has a 9 year old daughter and he has primary custody of her. She lives with us and sees her mom about once a month - her mom lives several states away and does not keep up with her custody of having the child 2 weekends a month (breaks my heart for the kid).

Here are the pros and cons as I see them:

Pros: He's a man with a lot of experience in relationships. He has realistic expectations of a partner. IE, he doesn't expect me to be a stepford wife. He has a lot of respect and admiration for me as a person, and for our relationship, because his marriage was so totally chaotic. There are a *ton* of pros that are related to him as a person and not necessarily the fact that he's a divorcee. But I think his past is all part of the man he is now, and I adore him.

Cons: His ex is a crazy, stupid, white trash, low IQ lunatic. She very well may have drug/alcohol abuse issues. She is completely unreliable. Because she is the mother of his child, we still have to deal with her craziness on a fairly regular basis. It's a lot of stress at times. It's more difficult than I'd expected, and I'd known it was going to be very hard. Their daughter suffers so much because mom doesn't deliver on her promises, and because the daugther lives with us full-time we do our best to take care of her and reassure her and give her stability. It's emotionally heart-wrenching at times. But it's worth it because I am in love with him, I am in love with his daughter. I cherish them both.

I also give my fiance a unique perspective on what his daughter is going through, because my upbringing was similar to his daughter's now (he came from a stable home with no divorce growing up). So I think about things that he doesn't always think about.

For me, it's hard but it's worth it. He's treated me better than any man, we have better chemistry in the budoir than I've had with anyone else, we connect in ways I didn't know were possible. The experiences he's had in his life, including his marriage, divorce, custody battle etc., have made him the man he is today and I love that man with all my heart. I won't lie and say it's been easy. I don't think any relationship is easy, this is definitely much harder because of his situation -- but it's worth it for me personally.

(edited to add, I have never been married)

All for it.  Go forth and marry divorcees, especially those with kids in their custody.

Original Post by dnrothx:

All for it.  Go forth and marry divorcees, especially those with kids in their custody.

 is that sarcasm? if so, why?

Dated a divorcee before and it was a good experience.  Mainly because a) she didn't bring any emotional baggage with her and b) it had been over 2 yrs since her divorce was final.  

We dated for quite a while, so put me in the FOR category (with the caveats I mention above).  I'm in my early 30's and it seems like more and more single women my age are divorced.  So, I have to be open to it.

Original Post by april_bride:

Original Post by dnrothx:

All for it.  Go forth and marry divorcees, especially those with kids in their custody.

 is that sarcasm? if so, why?

 nah he means it. He likes marriage as an institution. :)

I have 3 experiences with dating divorcees (and im only 23 holy cow!) and they were all horrible. Only one man had a daughter and the other two boys were young and only married for about a year each.

It definitely depends on the situation and I know all situations are different. But my experiences led me to not want to marry a divorcee. So much emotional baggage and crazy exes and he said she said crap. I couldnt handle it at all. But thats possibly because I started hanging out/dating them pretty soon after the divorce. Maybe after a few years they would have calmed down.

Original Post by dnrothx:

All for it.  Go forth and marry divorcees, especially those with kids in their custody.

There's nothing wrong with just living together either.

Original Post by kathygator:

Original Post by april_bride:

Original Post by dnrothx:

All for it.  Go forth and marry divorcees, especially those with kids in their custody.

 is that sarcasm? if so, why?

 nah he means it. He likes marriage as an institution. :)

 Me too. ;)  Sometimes...  It depends on the circumstances and everyone involved.

Original Post by priceless7:

But thats possibly because I started hanging out/dating them pretty soon after the divorce. Maybe after a few years they would have calmed down.

 That's a good point... I would think a couple of years at the least after the divorce, before dating. To let the drama get resolved. Unless it was an extraordinarily amicable divorce and no kids involved.

Honestly I'd never had envisioned myself marrying a divorcee. Especially after the multiple marriages and divorces my parents each went through which were all horrid and drama-filled! But I know that he is the man for me, for us - it works (with a ton of hard work). Everyone's situation is going to be different.

Original Post by enchantingimage:

Original Post by kathygator:

Original Post by april_bride:

Original Post by dnrothx:

All for it.  Go forth and marry divorcees, especially those with kids in their custody.

 is that sarcasm? if so, why?

 nah he means it. He likes marriage as an institution. :)

 Me too. ;)  Sometimes...  It depends on the circumstances and everyone involved.

 I hope to, too... once we get there! Just in the engagement phase now :)

 I wish you the absolute best of luck, April Bride. :)

"Never Say Never and Always Avoid Always."  ;)

My fiance was still married (seperated, in the process of getting a divorce) when we started dating.  I think it took another month and a half after we started dating for the divorce to be finalized (his ex was stationed in Korea, so it took a while to get papers signed).  Luckily I've never had to deal with his ex, he hates her (she cheated on him a ton, even after he dropped everything to move to Korea to be with her!) so he avoids talking to her at all costs. I think he's seen her once for about 2 minutes since he left Korea. The only thing I have to deal with is the insecurities from being cheated on, which used to be really, really bad. 

I am a divorcee married to a divorcee - so far...10 years....it's been wonderful!!  :) 

Well, I'm on my first (and hopefully only) marriage.  But I don't see anything wrong with dating a divorcee.  As long as standard rules apply; they aren't abusive, they have their heads on straight, they are respectful, etc.

What scares me a little are the people who have had multiple failed marriages.  I'm not saying people with multiple ex spouses are bad.  But the more failed marriages a person has, the more it becomes a possibility that THEY might have been the one with the problems.  People like that tend to get better at hiding their "crazy" until they get hitched.  Does that make sense?

Lovejoy: Homer, your impulsive marriages are going to lead to a lot of divorces.
Homer: Which will lead to a lot more impulsive marriages, putting more green in the blue, the blue being my pants!
(Homer holds his hand up for a high five)

Original Post by anewdawn:

I am a divorcee married to a divorcee - so far...10 years....it's been wonderful!!  :) 

 From what I've read second marriage do better. Think that's because the partners try harder or know more? Or maybe both?