Marrying Military

Ok so my boyfriend (19) is in the airforce stationed in Honolulu. And I (18) am going to college at University of Hawaii. He is being deployed to Iraq at the end of January and he'll be gone for 6 months :(

We love each other very much!! and have talked about getting married and we both want to be together forever.(: I am wondering if it seems to early if we were to get married maybe in december? just legally married though so that way we can get the benefits from the millitary and then once we save up enough we will have a real wedding.

Basically right now I am living with him in his dorm. I have my own dorm back at the college (waste of money) but I am here with him 95% of the time. Really the only time I'm at school is for class. We do everything together and are really comfortable with each other.

Before meeting him I never thought I would get married this early but now after being with him (even though it hasn't been very long) I feel like I'm ready for it.

Right now my car is back home in Oregon. So everyday I have to ride the bus 90 minutes to get to my class (it takes about 20-25 if I could drive myself) and then to come back here to the AFB once he's off work. And we have to get me a visitors pass every 3 days and technically since it's just a visitors pass he is supposed to be with me at all times so while he is working I have to stay in his dorm the whole time (13hours!!!!!) when I am here on weekends and dont have class.

So if we get married I will have my own military ID and be able to come on base whenever and be able to buy things at the stores (like when we need groceries, etc). Also we will be supplied with a house and his income will be raised making our lives much easier especially being in the expensive state of Hawaii. Plus I would then be able to ship my car over here with the added income so it would be easy for me to get to class and back home.

Basically it would make our lives much easier and we would be able to spend alot more time together. And I am not just wanting to marry him because of the "perks", it's not going to be easy having him deploy and work such long hours so I obviously love him and want to be with him.

I am just wondering others opinions/ suggestions especially those that have married a military man. :) Thanks in advance!!!

I've heard this story so many times - different people, different places. 

The real question you need to ask yourself is: Would you want to marry him right now if he wasn't in the military?

Seriously -- wait until he completes his deployment.

1.  Early first marriages in the military are notoriously unstable.  Getting married and then immediately separated is a REALLY bad idea.  And yes, I do know that of which I speak.  Very much so.

2.  The "perks" aren't really that great.

3.  Deployments change people -- although, I suspect that an airman deploying from HI is not in a career field where he'd be in imminent danger 24/7 -- it still changes people.

4.  If it all still works when he gets back from deployment and has a chance to decompress -- then think about it a little more.

5.  I realize you are in love and devoted to each other -- but 18/19 is really too young -- no, really.  I'm not trying to throw cold water on you, but oh man -- people change SOOOOO much between 18 and 25.

Also speaking from experience -- you could have a 1,000 of us tell you our opinions, and in the end -- you're gonna end up doing what YOU think is best.  Regardless of your decision -- I wish you luck

Just take this little fact

Most military couples get married, mostlt cuz the men join early and the women want to marry them so they can go wherever they go.... and then they learn they change (which people do during their 20's) , and then they learn that military income isnt all its made up to be for enlisted at 19,  so then they run into financial trouble

and then they get divorced

The military even has a special divorce program because it happens so much. Lol.

There is NO rush to get married, why do it? Just move with him if he has to move. What willll a title add? Do you really think at 18 ur going to need his medical and dental benefitrs? NO. Your under your parents cuz your still in school.,

Original Post by coach_k:

Seriously -- wait until he completes his deployment.

1.  Early first marriages in the military are notoriously unstable.  Getting married and then immediately separated is a REALLY bad idea.  And yes, I do know that of which I speak.  Very much so.

2.  The "perks" aren't really that great.

3.  Deployments change people -- although, I suspect that an airman deploying from HI is not in a career field where he'd be in imminent danger 24/7 -- it still changes people.

4.  If it all still works when he gets back from deployment and has a chance to decompress -- then think about it a little more.

5.  I realize you are in love and devoted to each other -- but 18/19 is really too young -- no, really.  I'm not trying to throw cold water on you, but oh man -- people change SOOOOO much between 18 and 25.

Also speaking from experience -- you could have a 1,000 of us tell you our opinions, and in the end -- you're gonna end up doing what YOU think is best.  Regardless of your decision -- I wish you luck

 

^This. 

My advice, from personal experience, wait until he is done with at LEAST his first deployment. They often have more than one, and/or they get dragged out longer than expected. A friend of mine did 2 tours of Iraq, almost a year long each time. Being in the military and being deployed typically puts huge strains on a relationship. Plus, you are so young! Right now it might seem like a good idea, but honestly I think you should just wait until he's done with his military obligations, and try out the normal civilian life with him. Often people change immensely just from 19 to 22, a typical marriage would be so hard at that age, adding the military factor just makes it even harder. My fiance was in a similar situation, he dated a girl for a few months and she was about to be deployed for the air force so they got married.... less then a year later they were divorced. Don't let his deployment rush you. You are 19, you have the REST OF YOUR LIFE to get married! Don't make such a huge commitment for the convenience of a military ID.

Just my advice, based on personal experience. In the end just make sure whatever you do is what you BOTH want and what will make you BOTH the happiest and what you think will be best for your futures, not just what works for the present...

I'm sure your boyfriends time in Iraq will be much easier than my cousin seeing that my cousin is Army Infantry... however, I can't even begin to explain how much he changed during his tour in Baghdad. He's pretty messed up.

I'd definitely suggest waiting until he gets back from his tour. 6 months isn't that long and what are you going to do if you get married and he comes back from Iraq with severe PTSD and you can't deal with it?

Cadysue - I was in the Army for 23 years and I still work for them after leaving the Army.   I also have a daughter who was married to an airman and is now married to an Army Sergeant.  I can tell you all about deployments and family stresses and strains.  I can also tell you about the good, bad, and the ugly associated with the military life.  One thing is certain in todays military deployments are in most cases a reality.  Most military communities try to offset it with family support groups.  If you have specific questions about something I will be glad to try an answer you.  BTW you will find that the PX or BX (post exchange or base exchange) and commissary may not always be the best deal.  You will find some things better and cheaper locally or even by catalog or online ordering so please keep that in mind.  Again if you have a specific question just email me and I will try and help.

Dave

Original Post by se1289:

The military even has a special divorce program because it happens so much. Lol.

^ this is BS.  I spent 26 years in the Air Force -- there is NO special divorce program.  As a matter of fact, because divorce laws are state specific, the military will only offer you a possible list of possible attorneys to help you -- they will not help you with the divorce.  I got married twice and divorced once while in the Air Force...

By the way, OP -- that's not to say, that anything I said previously changes -- I just want to clear up that point...

I'm happily married and my wonderful DH is currently in his 26th year of military service.  I have never ever ever regretted marrying him ... and he's been on six deployments to Iraq.

Some questions for you to consider...

1. Does your boyfriend want to get married? Has he proposed? Has he already named you his military life insurance beneficiary?

2. What do your parents think of this? And of him?

3. How much longer will your boyfriend be stationed in Hawaii? And are you cool with having to leave school when he gets sent somewhere else? How will being a military life (and moving every 3 years) impact your educational and career goals?

4. Is your boyfriend planning to stay in the military as a long-term career, or is this a shorter term (get money for college) sort of thing?

This girl is only 18... she doesn't need to marry yet. 

Original Post by coach_k:

Original Post by se1289:

The military even has a special divorce program because it happens so much. Lol.

^ this is BS.  I spent 26 years in the Air Force -- there is NO special divorce program.  As a matter of fact, because divorce laws are state specific, the military will only offer you a possible list of possible attorneys to help you -- they will not help you with the divorce.  I got married twice and divorced once while in the Air Force...

By the way, OP -- that's not to say, that anything I said previously changes -- I just want to clear up that point...

Concidering I'm a child of a divorced military family..and I had to complete the program wiht my parents

I think I would know,..

Thanks to everybody who gave constructive advice, and dave98z3 I might be asking you some questions in the near future as Brandon and I progress in our relationship. So, thank you for that offer :)

mollymouser I'm glad to here you've been together for so long and I admire your strength to have gone through 6 deployments :) that must have been really tough. And those are some good questions, some of which I have already been pondering myself. To answer them:

1. Yes, my boyfriend wants to get married. He was actually the one to bring it up and he talks about being married and starting a family (having kids later of course we are much too young) and he likes to call me Mrs. Terpstra :) He hasn't proposed yet though. And no he hasn't named me his military life insurance beneficiary, yet.

2. My parents and I had been going through some rough patches before Brandon and I were even together and they don't live in Hawaii so they haven't really got to know him yet. But they support me in any decisions I make.

3. My boyfriend is stationed in hawaii for 3 years so I am either going to take classes during the summer and try to finish my degree in 3 years, or I will just have to transfer schools my last year which will be hard but I'm willing so long as I get to be with him. And yes I have thought about if we have to move every 3 years how hard it will be for me to establish myself in a career, but he is only planning on staying in until the end of this contract (6 years).

4. So he is planning to stay in short term. He is going to take online school while still in the air force so he should also have a degree by the time he's out. And then we can decide what we want to do once we get to that point.

Right now I am starting to think that it would be best to wait until he gets back.

I'd say: Wait? It's not really your choice since he hasn't even asked you.

Raise your hand if you want to get married out of convenience? It's difinitely not a good idea.

 I'd suggest that you wait until you can answer the questions yourself without hestitation and/or second opionions. btw: There is no rush to have an answer to a question before it's been asked. It is never a good idea to get married for the wrong reasons. It's cute to entertain the idea of marriage, but you aren't ready,imho. The circumstances in each of your lives are subject to change. The fact of the matter is that any plans outlined are neither here nor there. In truth lots of people chit-chat about fictional futures/circumstances. Build your life around yourself instead of a convenience idea. Best of luck! :)

Original Post by cadysue:

Right now I am starting to think that it would be best to wait until he gets back.

Good plan.  Best wishes for both of you (and I will keep your boyfriend in my prayers!)  

I married a guy in the Navy when I was 19. What a colossal disaster that was. OOH boy. Neither of us were ready for that sort of commitment, especially since he was gone 6 months out of every year. Every couple we knew got divorced.

I personally think marrying young is a bad idea in general, and in this case a specially bad idea.

UD

Reply to post #12

No problem...you guys can email me here any time...I will be glad to help.

Dave

Original Post by spirochete:

I married a guy in the Navy when I was 19. What a colossal disaster that was. OOH boy. Neither of us were ready for that sort of commitment, especially since he was gone 6 months out of every year. Every couple we knew got divorced.

 I married my sailor when I was 19, as well. Our marriage made it, but it wasn't easy. :)

Original Post by kathygator:

Original Post by spirochete:

I married a guy in the Navy when I was 19. What a colossal disaster that was. OOH boy. Neither of us were ready for that sort of commitment, especially since he was gone 6 months out of every year. Every couple we knew got divorced.

 I married my sailor when I was 19, as well. Our marriage made it, but it wasn't easy. :)

My Navy Air Crew husband was twenty and I was nineteen. We tied the knot for different reasons than the OP though. We've been happily married since 2002. Most couple we've know has been divorced: and/or have problems: and/or agreements with unfaithful partners,etc.  aka: " Open relationships." The majority are unhappily/unfaithfully married. :(

It depends on the people in question and in their circumstances. Lots of couples ' make ' it work though. That doesn't mark a successful relationship in honesty. It takes more than a couple staying together. Most couples fail to be or stay Happily Married. It's disheartening,imho.

Instead of basing your decisions on others circumstances... Stay focused.

It's important not to compare ourselves to others, but instead focus on our own relationship/circumstances. That's key. :)

Original Post by enchantingimage:

Original Post by kathygator:

Original Post by spirochete:

I married a guy in the Navy when I was 19. What a colossal disaster that was. OOH boy. Neither of us were ready for that sort of commitment, especially since he was gone 6 months out of every year. Every couple we knew got divorced.

 I married my sailor when I was 19, as well. Our marriage made it, but it wasn't easy. :)

My Navy Air Crew husband was twenty and I was nineteen. We tied the knot for different reasons than the OP though. We've been happily married since 2002. Most couple we've know has been divorced: and/or have problems: and/or agreements with unfaithful partners,etc.  aka: " Open relationships." The majority are unhappily/unfaithfully married. :(

It depends on the people in question and in their circumstances. Lots of couples ' make ' it work though. That doesn't mark a successful relationship in honesty. It takes more than a couple staying together. Most couples fail to be or stay Happily Married. It's disheartening,imho.

Instead of basing your decisions on others circumstances... Stay focused.

It's important not to compare ourselves to others, but instead focus on our own relationship/circumstances. That's key. :)

 That sucks to hear, enchanting.  But I'm not surprised.  Military marriages have an extremely high rate of divorce as well as unfaithfulness.  My husband's friend got back from a tour in Iraq and he said he was shocked at the level of infidelity that went on (on both sides of the marriage).  There are always success stories, but unfortunately I've heard more stories of failure.  Now add the two newlyweds being extremely young, and the success rate is even less.

It can be done, but from what I've seen, the odds are not good...