Matter of the heart...

Ok, I don't really know why I'm posting this here...but everyone on this site is so helpful with everything else, I figured you all might be able to help me with a problem that has nothing to do with weightloss.  It's love.  *Sigh*

I'll try to be brief.  I'm almost 20, and from the time I was 16-18, I worked in a cd store and became very close with one of my bosses.  He's 37 and was married with two daughters when we worked together, but even so we really had a connection, more so than that of co-workers or even friends. 

Well, the store closed when I was 18, and we parted ways.  Shortly after, he and his wife separated after having marital problems for awhile.  We lost touch since I left to go to college.  Toward the end of my first year, I received an email from him explaining the situation between he and his ex-wife, and we started communicating regularly.  When I came home for summer vacation, we began seeing more and more of eachother, and started dating.  Sex has come up, but has not yet occurred because I have been unsure of the situation.  I really do feel like I am falling for him, and he has reciprocated these feelings.  Another issue is that I know my parents and family would not approve of the age difference, but I am 20, and I feel like it is my decision.  I don't really know what I'm asking exactly.  I guess I would just like any feedback or personal opinions on the situation.

Hello,

I ususally don't post anything serious, but I will here.

You really don't need his baggage.  You better be sure that you are ready to deal with his previous relationships, they will become yours too probably.  I predict he will make the same mistakes with you as he did with her.  I am sure she felt like you do when their relationship started. 

There are so many single men out there.  I say give some other single guy a chance.   

I think people should date within their baggage class.  Just my opinion.

It's your life and we can't tell you what to do, but there are so many red flags:

This sounds really unhealthy.  Think about the type of man that relates to a woman half his age.  His job should be to focus on stability for his daughters and your job is to enjoy being young.  Yes, your family will not approve.  They'll hate it, they'll tell you they hate it.  You'll feel uncomfortable trying to include him in your family events, so you'll either put distance between you and your family, or you'll try to juggle two lives.

He won't like that you're friends with guys your own age.  He won't like that you want to go out and stay up until 6:00 AM with your friends.  His daughters won't like you.  His daughters will resent you, blame you, and feel betrayed that their father is dating someone so young.

I see where you both are coming from, and I don't really have any other defense except it just feels different with him....real.  I have always hated guys my age, because they have not treated me well.  I don't feel like he holds me back at all, and I would never allow a relationship to keep me from life's experiences.

As for his job and daughters, they are both priorities to him...his daughters are his world.  I know there is baggage, but who doesn't have some form of baggage?  I know I have lots of emotional baggage, and I'm only 20.  I can't explain why we get along as well as we do...but it is eerie how similar we are.  He has told me a million times to go find someone better than him, but neither one of us can walk away from eachother.  I don't really have any expectations at this point, just kind of taking things as they come.  Sure, the relationship would have its complications, but if it wasn't these problems it would be other ones.

You sound like you have made up your mind, and you are looking for support.

I hope you don't have any troubles with him. 

I'll try one more time...

There are lots of single old guys with no baggage out there.  I beg you, go find one of the baggage free ones.  I am not worried about the things you know about, I am worried about the things you don't know about.

Either way, I hope the best for you!

*seriousness ends*

PS I am 35, and if i got a divorce I would want some 20 something young hoochie too!

I normally don't like to get into topics like this because often it ends up with mini debates in the thread. However, you asked for advice, and I have just a thought for you, from my own experience...

I've found that when there's a grey situation, normally I ask for advice because something inside of me knows not right for me/I shouldn't do it/etc, and I just want someone to say it.

If you were really sure about it you'd just know. You wouldn't need reassurance from us or anyone whether it was the right way to go.

(Once again, this is what I've found in my experience.  And though I'm only 20, I feel like I have learned a lot about relationships from my past experiences.)

I don't want to tell you if this is right or wrong, but I do agree there are many red flags.  Yes, you may have a connection with a guy, but like what's said above, he has SO much more baggage than you, as an almost-twenty year old (I just turned twenty too), deserve.  I'm not saying you're better than him, and I"m not opposed to relationships with people of different ages...but this is a huge difference..and it really will change your life.  I doubt many will be accepting of it (family, friends, etc.).  I could be wrong, but just keep that in mind.   Maybe you think he's worth it...but just be willing to accept that a lot of other things will change.  And really, I'm sure you can find just as good of a 'connection,' if not better, with someone closer to your age.  I'm not saying, 'you're young, party!" because maybe that's not what you want to do.  You (we, both) are still only twenty, and he has had a ton of more life experience than you...and that may limit your connection.   Just an idea...is it possible you'd like some attention, and maybe it's more of a brother-type love....confused for something else?

Again, I don't want to offend you...just want you to make sure you've thought through everything.  Whatever you decide, be strong about it because you know you've made the right decision for you.

I understand absolutely everything you all are saying.  I really don't know how I feel.  Maybe it is a bad idea, maybe I will regret it, I don't know at this point.  What I do know is that I am not comfortable just walking away from the situation, never knowing what would have happened. 

I've dated older men most of my life for similar reasons: guys my age never seemed interesting, funny or sure enough of what they wanted. My husband is 8 years older than me, and even we have some age differences. First of all, after a long and now painful-seeming marriage, his desire for you is based on your youth, or his lost youth. You're fresh, uncomplicated and sympathetic to him. You weren't there for the problems between him and his ex-wife (i.e. not in the relationship) and you're on his side. Your naivete is intoxicating. Plus, you're 20. My husband teases me that if he were to cheat, it'd be with a hot 20-year-old. I believe him!

If you want to continue with this, you must realize that you may give up having children with him. He may not ever want to be married again. You may just be a rebound. His friends will be weird to you. Your parents will hate him. Your friends might feel alienated by your choices. If he's worth it and you want it, do it. You'll learn a lot about what you want and need.

i agree with everything said. Long term I don't like the age difference--you could have heaps of fun in your 20s--but will probably just settle into some drone of a life if your hanging with him. Short term if you think you'd just like to have a bit of a lark with this guy that would be ok. But geez at 20 you're probably full of dreams and imagining some kind of wonderful life together. I remember when I was your age, ha ha ha. Think ahead 20 years, your 40 and he's 57! Yikes!

Also the fact that he was kind of hitting on you when you were just 16 to 18 doesn't say too much in his favour. Obviously, everyone is different so you'll have to decide for yourself.

listen to csthomas, she said everything i was going to say!

actually, listen to everybody trying to give you advice here... they're giving you this good advice for a reason. but like frothy said, it sounds like you've already made up your mind and are now just looking for confirmation. you probably won't get it because anyone able to give advice on the matter knows 1st hand that this is not a good idea.

older men are great. i've been with guys with at least that much of an age difference. i'm just not convinced that the two of you are both in this for the same reasons.

It's funny you mention that feeling you can't explain and that it's just different with him. I was in exactly that same situation, except my guy was only 2 years older than me. The whole time he would always tell me to go find someone better, but as you said, neither of us could walk away from each other. It was different with him. But, it is over now and I can realize that he wasn't right for me, and yes, I could do so much better. I was just too blinded by finding someone like him to see that The fact that you're apprehensive about the situation in the first place should be a red flag. You're in college. He's divorced with children. You're at completely different stages of your life. While it will be hard and you will feel horrible afterwards , I say to try to move on, at least until you've graudated. You never know who you will find out there. You're young, you'll meet lots of new people. You think this guy is different, believe me I completely understand, but I promise you will find someone else who you'll feel the same way about. For me, I'm still friends with my guy, and I think it was meant to be that way. It was hard as hell at first, but now I'm happier and I'm having more fun than ever before.  Good luck, keep us posted! :)

If you thought it was a good idea you wouldn't be asking us. 

I'm not going to harp on the age difference part, since others have already done so. And who am I to say anyway...

Is he still married? It appears he is, since you mentioned a separation but not a divorce. If that's the case, I would strongly recommend you tell him that you are very interested in him, but that you do not want to get further involved with someone who's still married. 

Tell him that you care enough to step aside for now, while he does the necessary work to end his marriage good and proper, and that includes focusing on his children's needs which are great at this time. FYI, it takes an average of 4 years for children to adjust emotionally to a divorce. This also includes doing the work necessary to reach a peace with his soon-to-be-ex, and some soul-searching about his own role in the demise of his marriage.

Until he does all that, he will not make a very good partner for you. And you deserve the best, don't you? I should think you'd want that.

If he is an honorable man worth your time and attention, he will do all that first, before getting further involved with you. While you are in the picture, he has no reason to buckle down and deal with the mess and fallout of his broken marriage.

So please tell him to look you up again once he is free and clear, and his children are in a better place emotionally. Until then... you wish him well and he'll be in your thoughts. You will focus on getting your degree and becoming the mature adult you are headed to be. If the relationship is meant to be, the feelings will still be there down the road, so there really is no rush. Both of you have a full plate and some unfinished business.

The best relationships are those in which the two people are free to commit, have earned their way out of previous relationships, have done their own individual emotional work, and are able to stand on their own two feet financially, emotionally, in every way. And you are not quite there yet - not until you get that degree and start working at a job and paying your own bills to put your own roof over your own head.

If you do not take my advice above, then one last bit of advice: find out what the soon-to-be-ex is like, and what the kids are like. I don't recommend you actually meet the kids, not while the divorce is still fresh - as wonderful as you may be, that is too much to dump on the kids right now. Wait until they are ready for that. However, you can ask a lot of questions and learn a lot about them vicariously.

I suggest this because, for example, my BIL is currently going through a divorce and meanwhile he's desparate to date. Any woman who'd date him would be absolutely crazy. Why? Because his relationship with his ex is not over - there are certainly no good feelings left, but they continue to push each other's emotional buttons and the situation is quite hostile. Any new partner would have to deal with that, and it is NOT pretty.

What's more, his kids are a complete wreck - they have been neglected for years while mom and dad have been selfishly wrapped up in their own drama,  slinging the mud at each other and homelife has been very stressful and tension filled. The kids are, frankly, little monsters!!! They have been booted out of day camps and schools. My BIL would surely like a new mother to stay home and care for them if he could find one who was willing.

Not all divorced families have hostility and drama and monster children with very great, unmet emotional needs, but the percentage is quite high. Just check out a step-parenting forum and you'll get a glimpse of what you might have to deal with. In fact, this is one of the major reasons second marriages end up failing.

Thank you everyone for all the advice.  I'm still processing most of it in my head, and I definitely have alot to think about.  Thanks so much.

Ewww...connection in a daughter/father kind of way????  Good thing he waited until you turned 18.

Ok fallingstars---I'm here for helpful input and advice.  Not to be judged.  Do me a favor, and keep your negative comments to yourself.

I have a P.s.:

My BIL *says* that his priority is his children, but what he claims is in complete contradiction with his actions. When the kids are with him, he dumps them on his mother, who's frail and has too many health problems to be able to deal with them.

Meanwhile, since he's living at home again (can't afford his own place, not with the child support he is paying), he takes off nearly every night to hang out at the bars looking for a woman stupid enough to date him. And when he is home with his kids, we've seen him completely ignore his kids - expecting us to watch them for him - while he surfs match.com looking for dates.

So be wary about what this man claims. Actions mean more than words.

Just be friends. Stop thinking about sex, if you really have to, you could have a deep platonic-sentimental thing for a while until it goes sour. Life long relationships are rare and things are bound to go sour .

Hello,

I normally don't post here, but your situation sounds exactly like a situation one of my Best Friends was in. She was 20 when she started dating a man who was 37 years old with children and a wife who he claimed he was separated to. He use to tell my friend that they were not together and that they had a bad relationship and that he didn't love her anymore. Needless to say, my friend fell for him hard and believed everything that he said. They have been going out for a whole year now and she is the most miserable person I know. She is constantly depressed and talks about how she cries constantly for him. What happened was that in the beginning their relationship was good and then slowly but surely he stopped calling her and hanging out with her. Now he just calls her randomly when he needs her because he doesn't want to be tied down to her and has been on and off with his ex. It really is a sad sight, but she can't seem to let go because she still says that he is the only one that can understand her and he knows how to talk to her (of course he does! he tells her what she wants to hear).

Anyway, that was just a little story for ya. All I have to say to you is to watch out for this guy. Its going to be really rough for you in every way. You have absolutely everything to lose from this and he has everything to gain. You are going to give your youth and body to a person that has been around the block and can easily manipulate 20 year old girls. As for my personal experiences, I have dated a guy that was 15 years older than me when I turned 18, im now 21. He was great and it only lasted 3 months because I knew that I wanted to live life and have fun.  

Good luck! 

bump, just incase there's anymore opinions/input out there...

I don't want to be negative here, but to me this sounds fishy... if you were working together since you were 16 and he was 33...and one can only assume that with this "connection" he was also physically attracted to you, while you were a minor at the time. That just sounds really strange (and sorry for saying this, but gross and creepy too). I know that you also said you have a connection that you can't explain but unless you act much older than your age, I don't see what the connection could be other than maybe physical attraction on his part.

A hot young 20 year old girl becoming intimate and romantic with a divorced 37 year old man with kids would sound great to his friends and anyone else he could brag to. As someone stated before, you could be the rebound... maybe a way to show his ex-wife "ha look I have! A hot 20 yr old girl".

Also, you both really are at different stages of your life. Is this what you really want? I think he can really hold you back. He'll be jealous of your male friends and won't like seeing you going out and partying since you're in college...

Anyway just really think about what you want. And if it's what you know in your heart feels right, then I guess go for it...but be smart too.