May I Please Rant?

I was at the YMCA today and sat down to do some weight lifting. I have no upper body strength and so I'm really trying to add lean muscle mass. Fred, this old guy who was a hired as a personal trainer, started up a conversation with me. He told me to add more weight (I've gone up to 12 pounders in each hand from 10 pounds) and laughed when I made the joke that my husband doesn't want me to  be too muscular. I told him I was just trying to add some lean muscle mass. He said something about why would I listen to my husband, and then I said that my husband wanted me to gain about 30 pounds. I'm about 5'8", and that would put me at 145. He told me that I'd look too heavy at 145.

I nearly choked on my breath. 145 at 5'8" is healthy and probably what a lot of people need to get their periods and stuff like that.

No, he said. More than 10-15 pounds and I'd start to look too heavy.

He called over some other male trainer, and the male trainer said, "don't listen to your husband, you'd be way too big."

I fit a junior's size 1. It's not an 0, and I know some places have an 00, but its pretty small. At 145, I'd be an 8.

Too  big?

"Don't listen to your husband," they said. Right. Why would I listen to the one person who wants me to be healthy, met me and fell in love with me and my body when I was 170?

Yes I still went and ate breakfast. I wasn't going to let him in my head.

But is that a little ridiculous?? Or is it just me?

WOW that was a lot ridiculous!

Good for not letting them get in your head!

Of course you should listen to the man who loves you and wants you to be healthy!!!

Most men have absolutely NO concept of weight and size. Your husband knows you, knows your body and has apparently seen you at various stages of weight loss/gain - and that is why he is able to say he knows you would look good at 145. Those other men though, they don't know you or what you'd look like with that extra 30 pounds (which, BTW would be a total knock-out). Listen to the man who knows you, loves you and believes in all the beauty you have than can shine when you're at your healthiest. 

Good for you for not letting their ignorant commentary bother you. You don't need their opinions, all you need is what you know is best for yourself.

It just BUGGED ME because these people are responsible for giving advice to lots of people, people over and underweight, and I know that Fred's own daughter suffered from anorexia and compulsive exercise but he seemed so emotionally removed from it like it was just a hiccup in life, even though she HAD to exercise for an hour every day on vacation and was very tense about it (according to him).

SO MANY people must be exposed to that cruddy advice, you know???? I remember my sophomore year in college, I was 145 and I was totally happy and felt good and was so proud to have gotten to that weight.

Original Post by rebelchick1017:

Most men have absolutely NO concept of weight and size. 

I am a man, and I have NO concept of weight and size (especially on women).  Seriously.  I can usually gauge other men around my size, but add or remove 30+ pounds, and I have NO CLUE. 

Just ignore the meatheads (yes I'm sterotyping, but their comments/advice brings that image to mind) and feel sorry for their wives/girlfriends/boyfriends.

what an idiot , that wasnt helpful , he obviously has no idea but well done for not listening at the end of the day does his opinion really matter? h x

my experience when i was gaining was that the smartest thing was to not tell ppl except my immediate family and obviously my medical team. bcoz ppl will say you need more or you dont need that much. everyones got different opinions. but these opinions are based on aesthetic judgement. not medical judgement. to listen to those comments are a fasttrack way to going nowhere and staying static

thanks helen:-)

fidget in a way it was good because I thought back to a picture of me in February 2003 where I was 145 pounds. Now, how I lost the weight wasn't that great (but no restricting nor purging or overexercising!) but I was healthy and looked great. I have to find this picture and show Fred the PT.

I did the math... that would give a person a BMI of 22. That's pretty freaking perfectly healthy and I bet smoking hot, too.

It just made me so mad. Not just for me, but for my husband (who was kind of disrespected in there) and for all the people who may have been given some really crumby advice.

That is really insane. People really don't have a clue about your body and where you belong weight wise :) I was talking to some of my friends yesterday and someone commented on how I looked healthier since last spring. I told them proudly I gained 25lbs, and then this girl goes, "well you weren't like SUPER anorexic skinny before, you looked allright. I mean you look great now, but iyou looked healthy before, too." I just kind of laughed to myself because YES, A BMI OF 14,8 IS SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT. I could barely even walk last spring! 98lbs at 5'9 is too low! I didn't say anything to her, but I thought it was amusing. So I don't think people really know what they're talking about. I'm close to your height, and at 145 looked pretty hot if I do say so myself.

I fully agree with everything that's been said! What an a**!

Just wanted to add something though::
Well no wonder there are so many cases of ED's in younger and younger children, if THAT is what people(males especially) and the media too, say is healthy! Yeah maybe there is more obesity and stuff now, but there's probably just as many eating disorders! The whole world is getting obsessed with body image! If you're not to fat you're too thin. If you're not too thin you're too fat! It's freakin' horrible!

Some things to consider:

The average women whom are within the healthy range of the BMI generally are with 21% body fat. 5'8" @ 145 isnt so bad at all. But if you want to be better than avg, then 15% BF @ 145 would make you more defined but not so muscular that you pose any threat upon hubby's mind.

My daughter is 5'7.5" and weighs in @ 138 lbs. Her BF is 22%. She looks great, however, if she flexes there is no definition.  If she went down to 15%, she still would look soft but when she flexed she'd show some definition and/or the appearance of a strong girl.

Unfortunately, alot of personal trainers will convince a client to what their own ideal is and fail to listen to what the client's desires are. If you were wanting a trainer, better that you take a female trainer who will understand even better. Males tend to think in terms of muscularity overall----a male thing----a woman tends to be more critical of herself and thereby strive harder to achieve her goals.

Go slow and persistent in your attempts to gain so that you  gain evenly all around. And in weight training, never ever sacrifice form for weight. It will take time, persistence and hard work to change yourself to be even more desirable and attractive to hubby, but you can do it and I am sure there are many people here that will help you on your journey.

What a freaking idiot! You're right, I bet a BMI of 22 is smoking hot. Actually it is, hehe, if I can say that without sounding vain. I used to be that and my best friend is now. I want to be again someday soon. 

Yeah, it's pretty disturbing that personal trainers would be doling out this kind of 'advice' - even more so in light of the fact his own daughter has struggled with eating disordered issues (I wonder why?). But yes, people are often really clueless when it comes to these things.

Like ecwk6, people were telling me I was smoking hot when my BMI was at the 14 mark. For a long time this kept me trapped in the delusion - I didn't believe myself to be "smoking hot" but I believed the inherent translation was "just right". So I feared that if I put on any weight at all it would be too much.

At the end of the day, we really need to stop worrying so much about what others think of us. Health is the aim - it MUST be our incentive to gain. Good on you, bsh, for eating your breakfast and recognising just how ridiculous their comments were.

Original Post by blue_eyed_dragon:

Some things to consider:

The average women whom are within the healthy range of the BMI generally are with 21% body fat. 5'8" @ 145 isnt so bad at all. But if you want to be better than avg, then 15% BF @ 145 would make you more defined but not so muscular that you pose any threat upon hubby's mind.

15% bodyfat is really low for a woman. Women need fat on our bodies - it's there to protect our baby-making goods.

I don't think this is really about what level bodyfat someone has so much as having the right to take ownership of our own bodies and say "I'll eat and weigh what I damn well please!"

I too hate the comments and thoughts around this issue by others. It amazes me still at what comes out of peoples mouths. I always say that if people would keep their comments to themselves and focus on their needs the world would be a better place and much nicer. I guess I have come to the point that people are going to have views around weight/food and comments towards me but I have to remind myself what I need to do to be healthy. This is hard and why the comments/views of others impact so hard because I am often confused. I think this is for many who have had an ed. There was this therapist at Renfrew and she was a plus size women and got many comments directed at that. She explained she did not care because she thought she was beutiful and so did many guys and she was healthy. I remember her from 10 years ago but I think she was confident and why she did not take comments to heart.

I got one today one woman asked me where id been as she hadnt seen me walking past her house , i told her i have had a bad back , whys that she said ? i told her i have osteophrosis. she said you are young for that arnt you ? i said yes its because im underweight , her reply was  oh are you

guys dont turn this into one of those threads... people will say stuff ok. everyone here know's they are underweight and/or has disordered eating patterns. if you continually focus on these ignorant people who mean as much to you as maybe an apple does - then you are choosing to delay your own recovery.

listen only to those who love you or are in charge of your medical care

fidget I think that was the point... he said something ignorant, maybe people can connect to that, and then you rise above it and you learn he's ignorant. If my heart wasn't in the right place with regards to getting healthy, or a lot of other people for that matter, what this guy said would have become something deeply affecting that would have somehow been embarrassing for me and led to all kinds of bad thought. But a lot of people do encounter these guys and no its not always easy. So I think its okay to rant about how some people are pretty ignorant to what's healthy.

Now, if I were ranting about 4th grade or something, that would be stinky.

My point was more that there is so much bad advice out there, its irresponsible, and it sounds like people know it, and more people need to know it.

Well...I guess the other side of that is all the people who tell you that you dont need to lose any more weight and emotionally blackmail you to eat more when you are struggling to lose weight!

I am playing devil's advocate here- I fully understand that anorexia is a serious issue- but my only point is that there are all kinds of people out there are ignorant and who think its their business to tell you what you should and shouldnt do with your life. It takes calmness, courage and a lot of strength to say no, decide for yourself and walk away.

Bsh, your story completely disturbed me. (Does anyone else find that the majority of gym owners are kind of... ****? Haha or is that just me?)

But then I was even more disturbed when I read Nina's and Ecwk's replies. WTF. That is unbelievable. When I first started eating a very low calorie amount, yes- I got compliments, which likely helped reinforce my behaviour. But NO GUYS were into me when I dipped under a BMI of like 19. At all. I got honesty box messages on fb saying I looked scary, people looked at me when I walked by, and I constantly got concerned comments asking if I was eating. And I NEVER got down to a BMI of 13-14.

Wow. I'm in complete disbelief. And hats off to everyone who decided to gain weight even though they were getting compliments for their sickly bodies. Must have taken some serious determination!

Hey evo :)

Yeah, I recall getting a few negative gasps when I wore certain pants... And I remember one occasion when I was out walking in a singlet top and these girls that passed me literally had their mouths hanging open. This still did not deter me in the slightest - I thought it was just their reaction because "normal western society" was "fat". I was really, truly delusional/psychotic. And I am certain that the "smoking hot" comment would not have been applicable if I had been naked. I just managed to wear clothes incredibly well at lower weights. This can be compared to models I suppose, and the "coat hanger" skeletal bodies they inhabit. This really isn't beauty, it's just about fashion. Truly, most runway models must look 'scary' in the nude. I never gave a flying **** about fashion. It was all just about control for me...