May I Please Rant?

I was at the YMCA today and sat down to do some weight lifting. I have no upper body strength and so I'm really trying to add lean muscle mass. Fred, this old guy who was a hired as a personal trainer, started up a conversation with me. He told me to add more weight (I've gone up to 12 pounders in each hand from 10 pounds) and laughed when I made the joke that my husband doesn't want me to  be too muscular. I told him I was just trying to add some lean muscle mass. He said something about why would I listen to my husband, and then I said that my husband wanted me to gain about 30 pounds. I'm about 5'8", and that would put me at 145. He told me that I'd look too heavy at 145.

I nearly choked on my breath. 145 at 5'8" is healthy and probably what a lot of people need to get their periods and stuff like that.

No, he said. More than 10-15 pounds and I'd start to look too heavy.

He called over some other male trainer, and the male trainer said, "don't listen to your husband, you'd be way too big."

I fit a junior's size 1. It's not an 0, and I know some places have an 00, but its pretty small. At 145, I'd be an 8.

Too  big?

"Don't listen to your husband," they said. Right. Why would I listen to the one person who wants me to be healthy, met me and fell in love with me and my body when I was 170?

Yes I still went and ate breakfast. I wasn't going to let him in my head.

But is that a little ridiculous?? Or is it just me?

Wow great job bsh on getting past that guys comments!! I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with posting a thread like this fidget  by the way...it is very helpful to have a lot of people support our healthy endeavors once we start second-guessing ourselves.

It is very hard to ignore those types of statements, because even if its just ONE person who says "oh, you're not THAT skinny" or "you look great right now" or something along those lines, it feels like thats how the whole world perceives you. Health is of the utmost importance and I find it really inspirational to read these posts :)

ninafish, that whole coat-hanger-thin thing being appealing... I have a really good friend who I adore and who has been struggling with weight and dieting her whole life, her mom even used to pick on her for it. I feel awkward when she asks me about running and stuff because she is so sensitive about her body that when I mentioned (we were really getting to know each other) that my husband is not really very fond of my thin body, she thought I was being ridiculous. My husband - God love him - was really into my body when I first met him and had a BMI of about 25. He loves my body but liked it best when I had a BMI of about 22.5. This just doesn't occur to her, she assumes that her boyfriend is automatically going to want someone thinner and that there is no lower limit to thin.

cowcow - so true about one person's statement feeling as if that's how the entire world perceives you. You are particularly susceptible to such comments when in the grips of the anxiety/brain malfunction caused by malnutrition/obsession with weight. It can turn into a truly devastating spiral. I think a lot of us ED sufferers have always cared too much about what others think - We feel as if we lack an 'inner gauge' - and so source confirmation/reassurance externally.

bsh - My ex fiance likewise preferred me at a higher weight. But even that didn't spur me on sufficiently to get better when we were still together, unfortunately. I really had to hit rock bottom before appropriate change could be facilitated. I just clung so hard to ED - there are aspects of it I still cling to (due to faulty thinking). And so now I really am working hard on counting calories to ensure I receive ADEQUATE nutrition to function properly.

Gosh, I just want us all to feel okay in our own skin. All of you beautiful girls deserve to. Heck, if you had BMIs of 30+ you'd STILL be incredible and lovely individuals.

NINA-holy hell!

"My ex fiance likewise preferred me at a higher weight. But even that didn't spur me on sufficiently to get better when we were still together, unfortunately. I really had to hit rock bottom before appropriate change could be facilitated. I just clung so hard to ED - there are aspects of it I still cling to (due to faulty thinking). And so now I really am working hard on counting calories to ensure I receive ADEQUATE nutrition to function properly."

same crap, saaaaaaaaaaaaaame

best of luck

agru - you too hon *hugs* xoxox

That is the story  of my life bsh1!


I am very  curvy at a lowish BMI so when I  have BMI 16 - 17 or so, every one says I look great….


 So yeah. It sucks when every one around you confirms your ED’S  desire to be thin.

It is like - you have those people  who’s opinions really matter - like your husband

And  those people make you feel really good, and comfortable with doing the healthy thing

And you feel on a roll - you know how it is, when you feel all happy about accepting health?

And then some one will come along and say that your silly for wanting to gain. You look great now. Don’t change. Etc.

So people like us really need to stay strong - we have a lot of  ordinary, every day comments that we just have to learn to deal with.

Remember - if those same people who value thinness so much fell into an ED themselves - they would definitely realize that it I actually NOT all it is cracked up to be!


Now that I think about it - the reason some people think it is good to be underweight is just because they are ignorant as to what it is like to have an ED; if they know, of course they would not think it was that wonderful to be thin.

I can relate to this, but did anyone consider that some people who say you look okay at a low weight are saying it to make you feel better about your appearance, not worse?!

If people are not aware that you have an ED or illness, and assume that you are naturally skinny and struggle to put on weight, they may say "I think you look lovely anyway" thinking that they are trying to help!

For instance, I don't have an ED, but am underweight due to illness - and alot of my family/ friends have said I look just fine and that I am meant to be small.

Which is true - I've never been very big at all, the highest BMI I've have was about 20, and I felt very curvy indeed, albeit muscular and healthy looking. A year later with a BMI of 17, I look skinny, but still do have some curves as I have a very tiny frame.

Had I have been a higher weight before dropping down, it'd be much more noticeable. And if I had a normal frame size, I'd probably look much less healthy.

I think some personal trainer types encourage unaturally thin sizes, but generally, our friends just want us to feel loved and accepted!

Seriously? They said that? What a load of crap from them!  Of course you should listen to your husband, 145 would so NOT be heavy! That's totally normal and healthy! As long as you are healthy and happy, then you shouldn't listen to them. Just lift the weights, and nod your head when they talk to make it seem like you're actually listening. Sheesh, people sometimes.

Smash_UK - oh no, they weren't trying to make me feel good, this trainer - Fred, probably 65 or 66 years old, had tried to train me and give me a routine for weights before. He said in my ear "let's see what that sexy little body can do." I felt so weird and awkward and self conscious, I avoid him at all costs and told my husband because I felt like I'd done something wrong but I definitely hadn't tried to provoke that. He likes really skinny. It's like he hates the area in which I live because there's a tendency toward inactivity and obesity so skinny = good.

Bethany - No I see where you're coming from and can I just say - "EURGH!!" At the comment he said in your ear!! What a total loser, and of course your goal weight is not too heavy. I actually meant some of the other types of comments people had said on this thread from their family or friends.

I just wanted to say what I said above because of my own experiences, really.

Original Post by bsh0611:

Smash_UK - oh no, they weren't trying to make me feel good, this trainer - Fred, probably 65 or 66 years old, had tried to train me and give me a routine for weights before. He said in my ear "let's see what that sexy little body can do." I felt so weird and awkward and self conscious, I avoid him at all costs and told my husband because I felt like I'd done something wrong but I definitely hadn't tried to provoke that. He likes really skinny. It's like he hates the area in which I live because there's a tendency toward inactivity and obesity so skinny = good.

Ew. That is creepy! Good job on trying to avoid him.

Society has such a perception now that thin equals success, and beauty, and so on, that when people say they're trying to gain weight this often isn't reacted to well. When at a BMI of 15 I told someone I was trying to gain a couple of stone and she was like 'What?! You look fine, I'd love to be that thin!'. I didn't let it get to me because she didn't know my situation and was on a very strict diet. It's important to remember why we're doing this: this is for our health! We can't know what other people think, and the most important validation that we can have comes from our inner self.

I do hear what you're saying too, smash. I know I still cringe a bit when people tell me I'm looking "great" now. The whole healthy=fat in the ED mindset. I have to really push through those thoughts. Sometimes I actually feel "guilty" for allowing myself to eat and feel/function properly. Quite ridiculous, but something I'm working with, or rather working to amend. But I know that a lot of the positive comments I got at really low weights were genuine - they weren't people just trying to be nice. But I do emphasise the fact that I was CLOTHED at the time and I held myself with a lot of presence (heightened "perfectionism" due to ED exaggerating my latent neuroticism).