To Maya, and all the others who are having doubts... DON'T GIVE UP!!!

Hey Maya,

I left a comment on your blog, but know how DIFFICULT this all is, so just wanted to point out some additional things that may help.

I went from a <12 BMI to a healthy weight for my height, age, and stature,  in a matter of three months. It was very stressful, scary, ect. to ED. But honestly, with EVERY SINGLE DAY that I continued to NOURISH myself, I felt more alive.

You are simply surviving now, hanging by a thread. But you are not living... you are not alive. There is so much more to life than food and claories. There's friends, there's family, there's happiness. There's quality to life. You have to reach a point of stability though, to expirience this quality.

When my BMI was less than 12, I was in a hospital. Hooked up to machines. Missing my family, wishing I wouldn't have let ED take over so bad. I was dying. Yet, STILL, the only thing that mattered to me at that point were the numbers... my weight, my calories, ect. I remember calling in the nutirtionist SO MANY times during one day, asking how many calories I was on (and she told me the exact same number, each time!), that the nurses had to tell her not to answer my calls. ED made me SO insecure that I though my daily calorie amount would change out of the blue.

As I gained some weight, I gained some control over my own thoughts. I was less concerned about how much I weighed. Yes, weight was not the only thing on my mind! It was still a worry, and still is to this day. However, it's moved from being my central thought to something that lingers in the back of my head.

With the weight I gained, I gained power. I gained the power to SHUT ED UP! This was something I never imagined myself doing when I was at that scary BMI, living in that scary world.

The saddest thing, to me right now, is not only your weight, but the life you're living. I see glimmers of happiness appear, like when you announced that you were going to the art show... but those glimmers begin to fade, once ED comes back.

Imagine living a life with freedom, where your day wasn't centered around food, weight, and calories? THERE IS SO MUCH MORE OUT THERE FOR YOU LOVE!

I want EVERYBODY to know that recovery is about MUCH MORE than numbers! It's about finding yourself again. But you have to get to a stable point, which means a HEALTHY weight for YOU to realize this. And everyone's "healthy weight" is different... genetics play a role, body type plays a role, even growth history factors itself in. That's why it's important not to focus on some universal BMI. Though, I do want to stress, weight is your ally in recovery, and it's going to help prevent a relapse from occuring.

For those of you having a difficult time, I urge you to visit this website... I went here ALOT during refeeding, and found it to be very encouraging. It gave me a new perspective almost. And alot of help...

I just wanted to say that it is very sweet of you to post this. I hope you are doing well in your own recovery and if you need support you can always PM me :) 

hi

i do remember ur posts from before, glad to hear ur doing well.

i want life, im seeing how much there is out there and im happy to be getting closer.

i still struggle tho.  im about a bmi of 19, aiming for atleast 20 and think MY body might be happier at a higher bmi than that.

can i ask what it was like towards the end of ur recovery? any insight, thoughts, suggestions?

thanks+congrats on ur happiness!

Original Post by agruskin:

hi

i do remember ur posts from before, glad to hear ur doing well.

i want life, im seeing how much there is out there and im happy to be getting closer.

i still struggle tho.  im about a bmi of 19, aiming for atleast 20 and think MY body might be happier at a higher bmi than that.

can i ask what it was like towards the end of ur recovery? any insight, thoughts, suggestions?

thanks+congrats on ur happiness!

 Thank you girls for the nice feedback! Chrissy, I really appreciate the support :) I haven't posted in about a year or so, but still visit this site occasionally. My maintainence needs are still VERY high (I'm a competitive Irish Dancer and Distance Runner, which explains a bit...) so, I like to frequent this form for great recipes that help me meet my needs!

Agruskin, to answer your question (well, I'll try my best... lol), I felt really free, but scared at the same time. I guess I still feel that way. It was like I was entering uncharted territory, so excited to have finally reached this new point, yet afraid, because recovery WAS new!

I remember that first, my depression started to lift gradually. I'd have more energy, but also more mood swings... like I'd be uncontrollably happy (my friends even accused me of being high a few times, though that was far from the case!), but I would also get really low. My doctor said that this was my horomones regulating again. I never started my periods, prior to the ED onset, but they returned as I neared my healthy weight range. My doctor didn't want to put me at risk for relapse though, thus, I went 5 lbs. higher than the menarchy weight. This also coincided with my lifetime weight pattern, which has always fallen along with 10-20th percentile. Growth charts have been VERY helpful to many families in determining a goal weight. They're induvidualized, thus, you can figure out the best solution for YOU! Here's a link to a growth chart... http://www.cdc.gov/growthcharts/data/set2clin ical/Cj41cs072bw.pdf

Also, I started FEELING lonliness. Before, isolation was just a primary aspect in my life... I never cared that I was living a life by myself. But for once, I wanted to be around people. I was sad that I had lost so many relationships to this disorder. I started to not just regret things, but try and change them.

Not everything was all peaches and cream... my body checking (not sure if anyone's familiar with body checking, but you know, like frequent pinching of body parts/looking in mirrors/trying on clothes) got pretty obsessive as my weight increased. I had to really team up with my family and therapist to combat these compulsions to "check" myself. Checking never really made "me" feel good, it just satisfied ED. Or in some cases, "angered" ED. I started to anylize my urges. My cognitions had improved, so it got to the point that I was able to do this. I'd write down my urge to have a behavior, and list the events/feelings leading up to it.

Also, I chose some "go to" strategies for when I was having urges. My favorite tools to combate ED urges are distraction, "acting opposite" (when you just COMPLETELY act opposite of ED's commands!), and Interpersonal Effectiveness (talking with a friend/family member for guidance).

Wow, I wrote alot! Haha. There's alot of stuff that I noticed as my weight improved. I started to enjoy food and break free of rigid eating patterns. If dinner wasn't served "exactly" at 6:00, it wasn't the end of the world. I just kind of felt like I was actually a part of the world again. I still go to a therapist bi-weekly, to continue progressing. The most important thing is to continue pushing yourself. The ways in which you push yourself will very as you get further ahead, too. Like in the beginning, simply finishing a meal may seem like alot. Then, that gets easier. Next, you may want to try and eat in under 30 minutes, or try a challenge food, and so on.

For me, I've reached a point where food really isn't the issue. I'm working on resolving emotions though that MAKE food the issue. Like social things. I am happy though and I am hopeful now. I can do the things in life that I love with health and confidence. I am in the greatest shape I've EVER been in my life, and my athletic performance is indicative of this.

I hope I answered your question to a point, if you have any other concerns, feel free to email me (since I'm not on often, I don't want to "leave you hanging...)

My email is stepdancechic128@sbcglobal.net

Best of luck everyone!

thanks for getting back to me!  hope u check back to get this reply!

yea, im at the social/food point, figuring out what im avoiding by staying "in the food", socializing more, its a lot.  i guess its all individual.  im often doing the OPPOSITE of what ED fears may be thinking or wanting, i dont + never have body checked.  i dont know that the growth chart would be for me, this started when i was 21-22, im now 26.

thanks+best of luck!

julz that was so lovely thanks for sharing that with us it really gives me hope x