Why do men have to look at other women?

Normally, I really don't mind but recently,  it's starting to bother me.  I think it is so rude when your (husband or boyfriend) is walking or sitting with you and their eyes is looking elsewhere.  Sometime, the girls or ladies is not all that good looking.   I get so angry because it makes me feel like I am not good enough or what!!!

I am I alone on this subject????

i think that looking is perfectly natural but its rude as hell to do it when your out with your husband or wife.. yeah us girls do it too. but at least were not like men pulling the biological card all the time. hellooo! women have sex drives too, just cuz guys dont want to be held responsible doesnt mean they have a genetic exscuse. ha i mean come on, arent men the ones always bragging about being stronger and more logical? why not when it comes to sex? BECAUSE THEY DONT WANT TO BE! lol

I've never taken it seriously.  My dear one tells the story of when he first got glasses for nearsightedness in college.  The first day he wore them he discovered that all the pretty girls had disappeared overnight.

Original Post by vievien:

Normally, I really don't mind but recently,  it's starting to bother me.  I think it is so rude when your (husband or boyfriend) is walking or sitting with you and their eyes is looking elsewhere.  Sometime, the girls or ladies is not all that good looking.   I get so angry because it makes me feel like I am not good enough or what!!!

I am I alone on this subject????

 

 im a man, and let me tell you, we all do it, some of us less some of us more, its just a man thing, and also mainly to do with testosterone.i f you women could only understand, have the same testosterone levels as a man, you lot would be humping anything that moves, lol. dont worry about it, haha.

 

 

 

 

Original Post by clairelaine:

I've never taken it seriously.  My dear one tells the story of when he first got glasses for nearsightedness in college.  The first day he wore them he discovered that all the pretty girls had disappeared overnight.

 LOL   That's a hoot!  Made me smile.

Original Post by katie_baby:

i think that looking is perfectly natural but its rude as hell to do it when your out with your husband or wife.. yeah us girls do it too. but at least were not like men pulling the biological card all the time. hellooo! women have sex drives too, just cuz guys dont want to be held responsible doesnt mean they have a genetic exscuse. ha i mean come on, arent men the ones always bragging about being stronger and more logical? why not when it comes to sex? BECAUSE THEY DONT WANT TO BE! lol

Don't blame us for 'pulling the biological card all the time'. Human nature doesn't change from one nagging to another.

... and don't be bitter just because men aren't browbeat from the time they're in diapers to suppress our instincts lest we get labelled 'slut'. Men, generally, aren't afraid of that label. Why should we act like we are?

Original Post by eringilbert:

Though I still don't understand his draw to Angelina Jolie... I think she's a little on the nutty side personally, which kind of detracts from her attractiveness for me.  Maybe I can just turn his attention to Megan Fox so he can get all the look with a bit less nutty.

 

Dude, nuts are hot! Mad pride and all that! :)

(Unless they get Seroquel. Seroquel--my anti-hot.)

I'm more of a Scarlett Johansson man myself. Luscious curves. Rwarr.

Original Post by yaza:

 im a man, and let me tell you, we all do it, some of us less some of us more, its just a man thing, and also mainly to do with testosterone.i f you women could only understand, have the same testosterone levels as a man, you lot would be humping anything that moves, lol. dont worry about it, haha.

Has nothing to do with testosterone. Everyone has testosterone. Sure, you have more (otherwise you wouldn't have facial hair etc). Women have sex drives, women like to look at hot dudes (or women), the majority of us is more discreet/respectful about it.

And since when is looking at other men considered "slutty"? o.O Just cause we're looking doesn't mean we're banging them because if so, I gotta talk to my husband lol!

Original Post by cptbunny:

Has nothing to do with testosterone. Everyone has testosterone. Sure, you have more (otherwise you wouldn't have facial hair etc). Women have sex drives, women like to look at hot dudes (or women), the majority of us is more discreet/respectful about it.

And since when is looking at other men considered "slutty"? o.O Just cause we're looking doesn't mean we're banging them because if so, I gotta talk to my husband lol!

Looking isn't, or shouldn't be, but it often is considered to be so. It's gotten a bit better lately but for a long time any woman who didn't play the role of the selector, the pursued, or had the appearance of putting any energy into chasing a guy was considered wanton. Hell, there's still entire huge populations of women who still think it's some sort of personal failure to call a guy they're interested in on the phone.

A lot of crap surrounding sex (especially among singles) is dissolving within this and the next generation, but there's still a lot of ancient baggage clinging on to our collective perceptions... including women who expect men to engage in a conspicuous disinterest in other women's appearance, in direct defiance of biological imperative, in order to feel more secure.

So, ladies, go ahead and look. Go ahead and DO. Centuries upon centuries of mandated 'purity' hasn't done anyone any good except perhaps the church and possibly guys who are terrible in bed landing a virgin who's too inexperienced to know better... and stop trying to browbeat guys into something they're not. You might get some part-time compliance out of love or desire for you, but you're not going to change his essential nature; you're only going to make him feel caged.

Women do look at men, but they are careful how they do it.  There's a factor I just thought of - fear of what a woman's partner may do.  I've been lucky enough to be able to say to my one and only love that I find a young man sexy, and he is free to look at women too, but some women are hooked up with men who get really jealous.  Some of them hit. 

Men have fear their partner will be jealous too, but it's mostly of nagging and tantrums, not beatings.  That's not to say there aren't abusive women too. 

I'm just sayin'

You might wanna check out this article on MRI brain scanning and love...

Original Post by hatamoto:

Original Post by cptbunny:

Has nothing to do with testosterone. Everyone has testosterone. Sure, you have more (otherwise you wouldn't have facial hair etc). Women have sex drives, women like to look at hot dudes (or women), the majority of us is more discreet/respectful about it.

And since when is looking at other men considered "slutty"? o.O Just cause we're looking doesn't mean we're banging them because if so, I gotta talk to my husband lol!

So, ladies, go ahead and look. Go ahead and DO. Centuries upon centuries of mandated 'purity' hasn't done anyone any good except perhaps the church and possibly guys who are terrible in bed landing a virgin who's too inexperienced to know better... and stop trying to browbeat guys into something they're not. You might get some part-time compliance out of love or desire for you, but you're not going to change his essential nature; you're only going to make him feel caged.

Alot of men aren't comfortable with their ladies looking at hot guys too.

No one said it's not ok to look, it's DISRESPECTFUL to oogle and stare. We're (male and female humans) not wild animals.

Original Post by cptbunny:

Alot of men aren't comfortable with their ladies looking at hot guys too.

No one said it's not ok to look, it's DISRESPECTFUL to oogle and stare. We're (male and female humans) not wild animals.

I contend that it's disrespectful, not to require men to suppress their natural urge to go and impregnate those other women, but to suppress them at such an extent that even the mere thought of doing so causes enough emotional anxiety that they're required to hide even looking at them. "oogle and stare" are at best vague terms, entirely determined by the attitude of the woman handing down judgement in the moment.

It's insane that one of the basic aspects of our being has been beaten down from that of a great affirmation of life and power into a barely tolerable collection of furtive glances, lest someone take offence and punish the offender with great vengeance and furious anger.

If only we could go back in time and burn all the puritans instead of putting them on boats...

Original Post by hatamoto:

Original Post by cptbunny:

Alot of men aren't comfortable with their ladies looking at hot guys too.

No one said it's not ok to look, it's DISRESPECTFUL to oogle and stare. We're (male and female humans) not wild animals.

I contend that it's disrespectful to not only require men to suppress their natural urge to go an impregnate those other women, but suppress them to such an extent that even the mere thought of doing so causes enough emotional anxiety that they're required to hide even looking at them.

It's insane that one of the basic aspects of our being has been beaten down from that of a great affirmation of life and power into a barely tolerable collection of furtive glances, lest someone take offence and punish the offender with great vengeance and furious anger.

If only we could go back in time and burn all the puritans instead of putting them on boats...

I don't think you understand the big picture here. I understand it's in your nature to want to reproduce. I don't see you, or any guy, randomly humping (raping?) women, like animals with the same instincts in the wild, to try and procreate. No, because you realize this is wrong, and you (and the law) have SUPRESSED that need.

And like I said, alot of guys dislike it when their women oogle and stare, it makes them uncomfortable. Being in a relationship is about having a healthy balance. You give a little, you take a little. You give (you can look), and you take (but don't oogle).

And, for the record, it's not just "built" into men. Women have the same natural urge. I don't feel wrong looking at hot dudes, I do feel wrong if I oogle/stare (which I don't anyway because I think that's rude to the hot dude) because it may make my partner feel uncomfortable. I don't know if it makes him uncomfortable because I don't actually stare, but I wouldn't want to put him in that position.

Original Post by cptbunny:

I don't think you understand the big picture here. I understand it's in your nature to want to reproduce. I don't see you, or any guy, randomly humping (raping?) women, like animals with the same instincts in the wild, to try and procreate. No, because you realize this is wrong, and you (and the law) have SUPRESSED that need.

And like I said, alot of guys dislike it when their women oogle and stare, it makes them uncomfortable. Being in a relationship is about having a healthy balance. You give a little, you take a little. You give (you can look), and you take (but don't oogle).

And, for the record, it's not just "built" into men. Women have the same natural urge. I don't feel wrong looking at hot dudes, I do feel wrong if I oogle/stare (which I don't anyway because I think that's rude to the hot dude) because it may make my partner feel uncomfortable. I don't know if it makes him uncomfortable because I don't actually stare, but I wouldn't want to put him in that position.

I understand the big picture, which is why I struggle against it.

What you're talking about is a matter of degree. I contend that we need a LESS restrictive society. That the ingrained repression of sexual urges have done more damage to our society than good. Your contention appears to be that you need a MORE restrictive society. That the continued if not increased repression of those urges make things more 'comfortable' for people.

I recognize the need for intellect to trump instinct in many cases, particularly when it comes to acting on instincts that might cause harm to others... but this goes beyond not doing harm. This is supressing that instinct to such an extent that it turns it into a mind crime, such that even it's merest outward expression is to be ridiculed. By trying to limit harm done by a few individuals, everyone in the society is harmed by its suppression (albeit to a lesser extent individually).

By putting a prohibition on 'oogle and stare', you're basically saying that those desires have to be masked to such an extent that you have plausible deniability if someone attacks you for the look by claiming "I was just using my eyes". ANY extended glance can fall under that category, because its boundaries are purely determined by the person making judgement over them.

... and I know women like sex. It's one of the great truths our culture has tried incredibly hard to keep under wraps for a great many years. I don't think I've been gender specific in my comments aside from pointing out that women are trained from youth to guard expressions of sexuality lest they be considered slut... and mind, this topic is about MEN checking out women. I believe that this sort of repression is toxic to both genders (and even those of other-genderedness), and that getting beyond it would be beneficial to everyone.

Original Post by hatamoto:

Original Post by cptbunny:

I don't think you understand the big picture here. I understand it's in your nature to want to reproduce. I don't see you, or any guy, randomly humping (raping?) women, like animals with the same instincts in the wild, to try and procreate. No, because you realize this is wrong, and you (and the law) have SUPRESSED that need.

And like I said, alot of guys dislike it when their women oogle and stare, it makes them uncomfortable. Being in a relationship is about having a healthy balance. You give a little, you take a little. You give (you can look), and you take (but don't oogle).

And, for the record, it's not just "built" into men. Women have the same natural urge. I don't feel wrong looking at hot dudes, I do feel wrong if I oogle/stare (which I don't anyway because I think that's rude to the hot dude) because it may make my partner feel uncomfortable. I don't know if it makes him uncomfortable because I don't actually stare, but I wouldn't want to put him in that position.

I understand the big picture, which is why I struggle against it.

What you're talking about is a matter of degree. I contend that we need a LESS restrictive society. That the ingrained repression of sexual urges have done more damage to our society than good. Your contention appears to be that you need a MORE restrictive society. That the continued if not increased repression of those urges make things more 'comfortable' for people.

I recognize the need for intellect to trump instinct in many cases, particularly when it comes to acting on instincts that might cause harm to others... but this goes beyond not doing harm. This is supressing that instinct to such an extent that it turns it into a mind crime, such that even it's merest outward expression is to be ridiculed. By trying to limit harm done by a few individuals, everyone in the society is harmed by its suppression (albeit to a lesser extent individually).

By putting a prohibition on 'oogle and stare', you're basically saying that those desires have to be masked to such an extent that you have plausible deniability if someone attacks you for the look by claiming "I was just using my eyes". ANY extended glance can fall under that category, because its boundaries are purely determined by the person making judgement over them.

... and I know women like sex. It's one of the great truths our culture has tried incredibly hard to keep under wraps for a great many years. I don't think I've been gender specific in my comments aside from pointing out that women are trained from youth to guard expressions of sexuality lest they be considered slut. I believe that this sort of repression is toxic to both genders (and even those of other-genderedness).

You gotta remember though, that the person you're looking at may feel uncomfortable with the staring too. You gotta be respectful to people as we are, or should be, above wild animals. I'm not saying we need to be more restrictive at all! I was more along the lines of saying we should be respectful to each other. No one likes to be stared at like they're a piece of meat (ok maybe some people do). And the majority of couples dislike having their partner (male or female) blatantly stare at someone they're attracted to. Not only does it make your partner feel like poo (sometimes, and you shouldn't want them to feel like poo!) but you may make the poor attractive person feel uncomfortable.

I don't know about you, but I don't want to make people uncomfortable because I wouldn't want people to make me feel uncomfortable. I do the whole, put myself in other people's shoes thing all the time and I live by it.

I don't stare/oogle cause I wouldn't want someone to stare/oogle at me and I don't do it because I wouldn't want my husband doing it around me (I'd feel like poo!). I don't tell him not to look, I've seen him look, he just doesn't stare/oogle.

Prohibitions against "staring and oogling" (again, HIGHLY relative terms here) are largely societal, and discomforted reactions to them are equally societal.

By way of example, let's take a brief look at another aspect our particular society has suppressed for essentially the same reason: physical contact.

We in the west tend, as a society, to be very insular. We only like to be touched by people we're close to (friends, family, lovers, etc), or only in very specific, socially accepted ways (a tap on the shoulder, a handshake) amongst strangers.

Yet go to someplace like, say, Israel, and you'll see people holding each other's arms while talking. Many, if not most, places in europe are much more physically demonstrative. The concept of unwanted personal contact are much different than what we hold, and would make us uncomfortable (ever talk to an old hasidic jewish guy and feel weird because he's in physical contact with you more or less constantly?) For them, it's normal. The prohibitions against contact have nothing to do with us biologically as people... indeed, when you touch other people you tend to feel closer to them. Restrictions against touching are, by design, made to discourage intimacy and promote isolation.

By the same token, restrictions against the quality and duration of eye contact are constructs particular to our society and are, by design, made to discourage intimacy and promote isolation. A large part of why it feels weird when someone stares is because we're conditioned against public displays, another large part because due to being conditioned against it we don't know how to handle it when it happens.

Ironically, when someone you're attracted to disregards the social convention and stares at you and it's someone you find attractive, often it makes you more attracted to that person... after all, they find you so compelling that the conditioning has been completely bypassed and they're risking being a pariah. It's almost fetishistic.

(Edit: bringing it full circle)

Let's bring it back around to Vievien's original complaint, that a (presumably her) man looking at other women made her feel like she wasn't good enough.

She feels threatened (disrespected, whatever term you want to use) by her guy's interest in other women. The sensation of that threat is amplified because he's disregarding the social conditioning that she's been taught is of utmost importance.

The natural result of this scenario: she transfers that insecurity onto him by nagging him. "Why are you staring at her like that? I'm supposed to be your woman and I should be good enough for you and blah de blah." He's chastized, feels guilty by expressing his natural instinct, and resentful for having to deal with prohibitions on its expression. If the resentment builds up enough, he's going to question why he's hanging around a woman who bites his head off every time he looks at a pretty girl. Surely a better life must exist out there somewhere.

Ironically, the ultimate result is that the looking itself isn't a threat to their relationship... the reaction to it is. That's real harm being done to a relationship that may otherwise be fine. That harm sources not from the instinct being expressed, but from the attempt to repress it.

Stepping through the looking glass into a mythical alternate universe, a man might check out another woman... but because it's societally acceptable, the woman doesn't feel threatened by this. She may be completely passive (it's just looking) or perhaps pleased that while there are other attractive women around, the man chooses to spend his time with her. They might even share their appreciation for this other woman, or make a game of MST3k'ing her, or whatever. In that sharing, their relationship is potentially made stronger.

Which is the more desirable? As it is, or as it could be if people could recognize their reactions are results of third parties conditioning them to react in specific ways, and that those reactions are not always in their best interest?

Quickest way to kill a topic: write a book about it.

Original Post by katie_baby:

 ha i mean come on, arent men the ones always bragging about being stronger and more logical? 

I guess I used to hang with a different class of guys, because I never heard this. Although the comparisons over belch quality and Star Trek trivia were quite amusing.  

Honestly, I hear more gender based bragging from women than I do from men.

Original Post by hatamoto:

I'm more of a Scarlett Johansson man myself. Luscious curves. Rwarr.

Now, as a female, I can agree with this.  (I have a little bit of a girl crush...)