Can men and women be friends?

Another thread on this board got me thinking about platonic friendships between men and women.  A few questions to ponder:

Does attraction (on either side) preclude friendship?

On which criteria do you choose your friends?  Is attraction one of them?

Can a man or woman remain friends with someone to whom he or she is attracted, or does this pervert the true platonic nature of that friendship?

Discuss.  Oh, and please keep it friendly, folks.  Not interested in a flame war or personal attacks here.  :)

Not to admit my piggish male ways, but yea, attraction does motivate friendship for me. 

 

Of course, I prefer girls with a little meat on their bones ;)

i think this was settled in When Harry Met Sally? 

(the answer was no, because 10 years down the road you'll end up getting married and have a beautiful wedding cake, coconut, with chocolate sauce on the side)

honestly, No

men and women cannot be "real friends" ; there's always some attraction hidden; then there's the case when a guy is really not attracted by the "girl friend" but most often likes a friend of the friend...so that's why he's there

 

Ew, coconut cake?  Carrot all the way baby.  ;)

I have a lot fewer female friends than male friends, so I guess I just started thinking about how sad I'd be if I believed that these dudes are only friends with me on the slim chance that I might go to bed with them at some point in the future.

Yes, they can be friends... right up until one of them gets serious with someone else or gets married.  Then there are usually issues.  Not always, but usually.

I don't have a ton of (any) friends, but when I had guy friends I tended to find them attractive - though usually not to the point that I wanted to bed them.  More like, attractive enough to be seen with.

Thanks for responding, cricket!

But I have to ask - what if the attraction's NOT hidden?  A man I've been friends with for over 10 years has told me that he is attracted to me.  Nothing will happen between us, ever, and he knows that.  But does the fact that he's attracted to me mean we're not "real friends?"

Jules, I lost a few good friends when I got engaged. And was not a looker, nor am I now, but that jealousy did bite. 

I guess I just don't want to believe that platonic [true] friendship and attraction are mutually exclusive.

Really?  I'm surprised by the responses.  I've had several male friends who are purely just friends.  Most of us have gone on and gotten married (NOT to each other) and some of us still remain friends.  And we get along with each others spouses as well.

And I suppose there was a little bit of attraction there, but not enough for either of us to get jealous over.  And it never got in the way of the friendship...and never crossed the line, either.

It's possible, but not easy.  I think juliemae2 said it perfectly "Yes, they can be friends... right up until one of them gets serious with someone else or gets married"

Original Post by cricketro05:

honestly, No

men and women cannot be "real friends" ; there's always some attraction hidden

 I'm going to have to disagree. I've had a lot of male friends in my life thus far and if it weren't for people moving away and things, we would still be just as close as we were years ago.

One of my male friends is one of my favorite people, but I would never consider dating him and I don't believe he's ever been interested in me either. We've just always been friends. We've never begrudged each other boyfriends or girlfriends either. It just is the way it is.

Of course, there's always opposite sex friends that you're attracted to or the other way around. It depends on the people whether or not those friendships will actually work.

But I hugely disagree that men and women can't be "real" friends.

I would be really upset if my friend Dan told me that we weren't real friends, and that it was just a facade because we weren't the same gender. That even sounds dumb.

That's my experience too, Peaches.  I have a lot of longterm friendships with guys, and we've gone through our significant others... many of us have gotten married (some of us to each other - not me, though).  We're all still friends.

I love them, but not "that way."

Original Post by purespark:

I guess I just don't want to believe that platonic [true] friendship and attraction are mutually exclusive.

 I really don't think they are. I can find a friend of mine attractive and not have any interest in dating them and still keep the friendship.

In that right, you can't exclude same sex friendships from this discussion either. I can say that a girlfriend of mine is attractive and not want to date her. I think it's the same thing as when I can say a male friend is attractive and not want to date him either.

Original Post by rebepi:

Original Post by cricketro05:

honestly, No

men and women cannot be "real friends" ; there's always some attraction hidden

 I'm going to have to disagree. I've had a lot of male friends in my life thus far and if it weren't for people moving away and things, we would still be just as close as we were years ago.

One of my male friends is one of my favorite people, but I would never consider dating him and I don't believe he's ever been interested in me either. We've just always been friends. We've never begrudged each other boyfriends or girlfriends either. It just is the way it is.

Of course, there's always opposite sex friends that you're attracted to or the other way around. It depends on the people whether or not those friendships will actually work.

But I hugely disagree that men and women can't be "real" friends.

I would be really upset if my friend Dan told me that we weren't real friends, and that it was just a facade because we weren't the same gender. That even sounds dumb.

 Exactly!  That would be like saying I couldn't be real friends with my lesbian female friends because the only reason she'd be my friends is if she was attracted to me.

I don't know, I think my best opposite sex friends are the ones that I really like intellectually but that I am not physically attracted to.

Edit: And just because I'm not attracted to them doesn't mean they aren't, or for that matter are, attractive.

Nah I don't think they can be true friends.

I mean if you were upset and you went to a girlfriend, she gives you care, sympathy and a hug, she's thinking there there it will all be alright.

If the friend is a guy, you may get all three from them but because of the underlying attraction when it comes to the hug all he's think is "oh please don't stand up, please don't"!

Good point, rebepi - my phrasing was pretty sexist, wasn't it!  I'll have to think about how I can fix that.

I would say I have about five good platonic male friends.  I went to school with and work with mostly males.  We relate well to each other over those things.  There may have been points along the way, in which perhaps one person was feeling a little attracted to another, but honestly, it was not the majority of the friendship, nor was it the reason for it.  All of us are in serious relationships (not with each other), and we're still very good friends.  I also happen to consider myself to be good friends with some of their wives/girlfriends, but in all cases, that came about because I was already friends with their husbands. 

There have been times when some girlfriends didn't like me...frankly I don't blame them, I was spending a ton of time in class and after class, or at work with their boyfriends, studying, doing projects and the like.  I would have been suspicious of me too. 

My solid, unwavering answer is, yes, they can be.

I dont think there are any rules.  Everyone is different.  And everyone responds to others differently.  I might find that their are men that I cannot continue to be close to once I marry someone else.  But I might likewise find that some of my guy friends are very important.  I think it depends on the depth and circumstances of your friendships.

 

Original Post by purespark:

Thanks for responding, cricket!

But I have to ask - what if the attraction's NOT hidden?  A man I've been friends with for over 10 years has told me that he is attracted to me.  Nothing will happen between us, ever, and he knows that.  But does the fact that he's attracted to me mean we're not "real friends?"

It has happened to me; pretty recent and after I got married; a "friend" finally told me he's attracted to me; I told him that if he still wants to be "Friends" he'd have to understand I would never go out wt him alone. he is my hubby's friend as well but we are not condifents or anything.

I think that open attractiveness actually complicates things even more!

the only male friends I have are my husband's friends as well; it keeps things WAY easier for both of us; plus I doubt I'd have anything to confide in a guy...lol