Its not on the menu, its not in the kitchen...

... and we all know what it is. For those of us familiar with the movie 'City Slickers' its what Curly refers to as the One Thing. It's something thats different for everybody ut its something that you have to figure out.

As a surfer of the forums on the CC i have noticed one through line. I see a buttload of beautiul women giving away all their power and independence to insipid numbers on a ten dollar scale, i guarantee that Chinese did not mean for the number system to cause such anguish as that. I feel comfortable saying this since i too am a victim of this fixation with a number. A fixation that led me to three days on my back in a cold hospital wing exactly one year ago this week. Since then i have admitted i have a problem with anorexia God knows hoe many times, yet i have chosen not to do anything about it. What am i protecting, what am i holding onto?

I wish i could answer this question now and hopefully will in time. However, on the way there I have come across a realization. The last time i called someone out on an aspect of their lives they needed to change it was because i loved them and could not stand to see them hurting themselves. They didnt change anything right away so i nagged and nagged because i cared that much. Fast forward to tonight at church. The message had to deal with 1 Corinthians 11:29 (more or less) that says: Judge not lest ye be judged (again, more or less). I suddenly felt two inches tall since i had spent the last year hurting myself worse than anyone else i know and chose to focus on them rather than work to better myself. 2 hours later led me to a local Chilis and an 'intervention' between myself and two friends who made it known i ''need to put on some weight''. After a half hour discussion we parted ways by them telling me " you got us, and you got God".

A through line for this horrible disease is a feeling of lonliness which leads to depression. we feel alone and seek to control our food because its easier than dealing with whats really hurting us. Again, i dont know what that is yet, but again i am looking to find it along the way. Now, im not looking for recovery advice or a sample diet or the magical phrase that l can say as i spin in a circle which allows me to be comfortable with food again. But, i am asking that we all stop looking for these things and to two very different things.

First) look in the mirror and fall in love with something. Whether it be your eyes, smile, how one of your calves is bigger than the other... whatever it is fall in love with it and relish in knowing that it is all yours.

Second) Know that you are loved, every second of every day. You are loved and provided for everyday by God. I apologize if this seems a bit to ethereal but its true. Each day is a gift and another opportunity to start fresh... Take it, its yours.

"Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try" -Yoda

This made me smile, and I know that it can help others here on CC so very much, so I'm bumping it up. This is a great post, Clay, and you did a beautiful job of being straightforward without being harsh. :)

This is very nice and your are so on target.  I agree about the no try you must do. On a side note I hope you and the other gentleman here also see they are deserving to be healthy and well too.

Original Post by clay010:

I see a buttload of beautiul women giving away all their power and independence to insipid numbers on a ten dollar scale

Now, im not looking for recovery advice or a sample diet or the magical phrase that l can say as i spin in a circle which allows me to be comfortable with food again. But, i am asking that we all stop looking for these things and to two very different things.

First) look in the mirror and fall in love with something. Whether it be your eyes, smile, how one of your calves is bigger than the other... whatever it is fall in love with it and relish in knowing that it is all yours.

Hey Clay ~ Your post is pretty powerful and true.  I quoted some parts that I find especially true. 

The bolded quote is what helped me recover more than anything.  It sounds so stupid, but I did that.  I hated myself - EVERYTHING about myself - by the end of my ED.  After a month or two into recovery I hated myself more than ever - I felt like I wasn't doing anything right.   I couldn't maintain my ED and I couldn't get past it... I was stuck at the hell in between those two.  I would walk by mirrors and look at myself and become hysterical.  I would have breakdowns almost everyday because I hated my appearance, but even more than that, I hated myself for being the person I had become.  I think there was a good year of my life where maybe 5 positive thoughts about myself went through my head.  I had to consciously change my thought process.  I decided that I was sick of hating myself, so I started proactively walking up to a mirror and telling myself out loud the things I liked about myself.  I would have the good thoughts and ideas ready, so that the bad ones wouldn't pop in my head first.  After a while it stopped being such an effort and positive thoughts became my normal thought process.

Its true that there are so many beautiful women on here that are in agony, but what breaks my heart even more than that are the little girls on here that are suffering through and ED.  I see babies - 13, 14, 15, 16 years old - all they worry about it losing weight even though they're beautiful already.  I wish I could take away their ED so they could enjoy their childhood and young adulthood.  As backwards as this sounds, I thank God that my ED didn't happen until I was older so that I had the first 26 years of my life COMPLETELY untied down with an ED.  I really, really enjoyed my life before my ED & I love it now that I'm past it.  

I used to post on these boards under a different name when I was wrapped up in my ED.  I used to beg for people to give me perfect answers that would allow me to eat & do what I wanted yet be healthy, feel good, etc.... I wanted someone to give me a magic cure, but I didn't want to have to change.  I didn't want to have to figure it out on my own or try... I just wanted the ED thoughts to go away.

Recovery is SOOOO HARD and it takes effort, but its so worth it.  Your post shows your appreciation of life, of yourself, and of others.  You seem like a good, strong person.  You can get past this ED if you keep yourself in the mindset you have now.  ANyone who is willing to recover will find a way and I really, really hope you find yours.

This was very sweet, blunt to the point & inspirational all in one! thank you

Thanks Clay.  I never post and have only commented twice since I joined CC.  Both times today.  One about teenagers getting drunk and binging and now.  Both posts touched me in different ways.

 My pastors message was on a different subject but one of his bullet points was about Grace.  We all want it but are reluctant to give it out(judging).  We all need a lot of grace to make it day to day.  We get it from the Lord, but we need it from others and from ourselves most of all.

Grace and peace to you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Im happy i could help you along today. It's funny how this was pretty much word vomit at one in the morning but it is also something that i believe as much now as when i wrote it, which normally doesnt happen when i just throw up on a page like that.

Peace and Love you Guys, Peace and Love.

This is not "word vomit"...you touched my heart.

God bless you!