I think my metabolism is ruined for life

(I'm so sorry if this may trigger some people, I just need help)

 

So yeah, I had problems a while ago, I was eating 500 calories a day at the most for quite a while. I have attempted to change that now by upping my calorie intake, but I'm so fed up I can't take it. If I eat over 1500 calories I gain weight, and not just 'water weight' or any of that crap, actual weight. I can't get myself to eat normally. If I eat over 1000 calories I feel like bursting into tears. I so thought I had gotten over all of this I really did. I can't cope. I have lost all my muscle and gained so much fat the last few months since getting a full time job and having no time to exercise. My boyfriend caused a major scene in front on my new house mates yesterday screaming at me telling me i have an eating disorder, now I can't stand to spend time with them. The only time I can go to the toilet is by taking herbal laxatives otherwise nothing happens, and when I do I have stomach cramp for days after. I've got my hair and energy back but resent it. My boyfriend keeps telling me (shouting at me) to go and see someone about it, but because I am still just in the healthy weight  range (by 1lb) I will only be laughed at and shoved out of the door. and I don't want a patronizing idiot student doctor to tell me to eat more, because I don't want to, if I eat a big meal I am in pain for hours after. I thought I had gotten over this, because I don't have the time to think about it anymore, but I know now that the reason I didn't think I had a problem anymore was just because I just didn't have time to think about it. I despise my body so much it makes me cry. I'm starting to resent my house mates who are both over weight but are so confident and happy in themselves and always happy, this makes me resent myself even more for resenting my best friends.

 

I'm so stuck, my boyfriend keeps threatening to tell my mum, who has way to many things to worry about. I can't talk to him about it because his only form of showing that he is concerned is my screaming at me. I need someone to talk to. I want to be healthy.

Oh dear...   You do need to seek some help.  If you're depressed & resentful of others' happiness, chronically constipated, in pain when you eat, suffering from self-hatred....  and if all this is impacting on your ability to lead a normal life then you need medical  help.  And that apples regardless of whether or not you have disordered eating behaviour or what you happen to weigh.  You don't have to be underweight to have a psychological disorder.

The person to talk to ... and whatever other problems your Mum has, she's still your Mum, she still loves you, and I'm sure she'd do everything she could to help you... is your doctor.  You're struggling to help yourself.   The people around you are unqualified or frustrated.  If you want to be healthy, please make that appointment.  You won't regret it. 

I'm so sorry for you. It sounds like you have a bit of a struggle. It also sounds like your boyfriend only wants to see you get better so he's in a spot where he feels he has to do something.

I agree with GI-Jane. It's time to talk to your doctor or other health care professional...maybe nutrionist and therapist. Make the call and you'll probably feel better knowing that help is on the way.  Good luck to you!

First of all for your height and weight it's perfectly normal to gain fat when eating above 1500 calories, my maintenance number is about 1600 and I'm 10lbs heavier than you, so don't worry that you've screwed up your metabolism, that's probably very normal for you.

I just want to assure you of one thing, you won't be laughed at by any doctor for seeking help with an eating disorder, I finally overcame my fear of this and many other issues related to getting medical help 3 days ago. Once you explain your issues related to food and your weight it will be obvious that even if your body is still healthy your mind isn't. I was terrified of telling my mum too but it really might help you, no one knows you better than her and she can give you lots of support.

Instead of trying to up your calories by eating a large meal which will strain your stomach try having several calorie dense, healthy snacks throughout the day, nuts are ideal because they're full of protein and healthy fats and are very portable.

If you aren't eating a lot you can't expect to be very regular, when you start to eat more this should improve. Also instead of laxatives try eating fibrous foods, kiwi fruits, drinking hot lemon water first thing in the morning and making sure you drink plenty of water throughout the day.

I also get jealous of other people's confidence sometimes but I use it as a way of proving to myself that my perception of my body isn't what it should be, if other people who are bigger than me are confident and happy, then being thin can't be that important and why can't I be happy too?

I hope some of this helps, feel free to add/message me if you need a friend.

I agree with the other posters. You need to see someone and be able to vent/explain to them your feelings. More importantly that person should be there to help and support you in a nonjudgemental environment. Sometimes talking through things and hearing a professionals opinion makes one feel better. I know that's what helped me!

Keep on plugging along, but try to find a good support system ie) your mom....or even try sitting down in a calm manner to explain your thoughts and everyday feelings to your boyfriend....this might help him to understand where you are coming from.

feel free to email me anytime

Janelle

 

The subject matter to propose for discussion is one of which you are no way going to receive the feedback your looking for Kat unless the reader of your cry has physically experienced what you, so desperately, described. (Though I believe the compassion of the responding reader's proves your theory of being judged for such issues incorrect).

Let me see if I can relate at all...At a party or group function where there are snacks you stray from the raw carrots (with no dip) and grab a cracker or chip instead and this heart wrenching guilt sets in before you get it swallowed and you want to spit it out. You go out to dinner and spend 5 minutes grilling the waitress over whether or not the chef's use oil, butter or otherwise when cooking; When you finish eating a meal regardless of how healthy it may be you feel ill, 'heartbroken', guilty and like a failure and spend an absurd 2 1/2 hours working out at the gym to justify having been careless enough to eat to begin with. The bizarre part is that the emotional 'heartbreaking' pain is sooo bad that it could easily be compared to what you might feel if some great guy broke your heart. And when you look in the mirror you NEVER see what other's 'say' they see when they look at you. There are good days and bad days. I have to guess from the desperation of your words it was a bad day.

You mentioned your metabolism so I can only guess that you, like I, have already at some point undergone treatment or rehab for the problem as one of the subjects they drill in your mind is that by purging, starving yourself, using diuretics does destroy the natural order of our metabolism which can cause what would normally be considered irregular probability to weight gain.

I think that I may have a few years on you, Kat, unfortunately this doesn't make me anymore the wiser, I'm sorry for that. I can only offer some of the tricks I have come up with to get me by on a daily basis.

I turn to fruits and vegetables in my meals. I grill several days’ worth of chicken to keep in the fridge and eat one a day with a sliced apple as my 'big meal'. I eat very small portions of food but several times of day and I avoid eating out at all costs. If we are truly relating on this matter; you will understand the reason for this being that in order to attempt to control my emotions and physical feeling where the task of eating is concerned it is imperative that I avoid feeling 'full'.

I'm quite sure I have rambled on enough...I hope it makes any sense to you; as I am familiar with the fact that nothing said to you can make you 'feel' or think about your body any differently...I hope you can find your way past the pit and into the place where you accept your hang up and start looking for your own little 'tricks' to get through the day allowing you to keep your health, both physically and mentally.

Wishing you all the best,

 

I've been there. I was a dancer when I was young, and I developed a full-blown ED that I still fight with sometimes. I got the 'dancer's body' I wanted, but I got all the brain-bugs that went along with the ED. I felt like I was crying all the time, and it just got awful when I tried to stop. I'd do so well for a while, eat 'normal', but then I'd just crash, and it would feel even worse.

The best thing I ever did for myself was call a psychiatrist. I know the idea of a shrink scares a lot of people, but they're really good, especially for eating problems. They've studied mental health, so when you talk about things that scare you, they get it, and they can work with you. Plus they're required to get an MD, so they now enough about the biology to help you start to get healthier, without that necessarily being their primary focus. Calling a psychiatrist is also a guaranteed way to avoid getting some know-nothing intern, like a lot of my friends did at hospitals, since you get to pick the shrink you're seeing specifically, and you can ask them if they've had experience with eating problems and what their philosophy on it is. It was kind of comforting to be able to hand-pick someone who seemed to know their stuff, and didn't seem likely to make me feel even worse about myself than I already did. Maybe if your boyfriend knew you were talking to someone, he'd back off.

Most psychiatrists are more willing to help you through relapses than normal doctors too, which was something I struggled with (and still do). They don't pile on the guilt or freak out about a pound lost here or there, or if you get more depressed before you get better, because they're used to depression, which sometimes can act funny. So yeah, I found my shrink great to talk to, and a lot better at really trying to understand why I was afraid of food than a normal doctor. (Most shrinks also don't have a scale in their office, so you might avoid the dreaded weigh-ins). 

As far as behavioral tips for food, the best advice I have is to do things really really uber-gradually. I started out by snacking on carrots, which are fiber-packed (they help the cramps and constipation). They're practically no calories (in fact, I think they're cal-negative), so you can eat as many as you like and not worry much about it. I just kept a bag in my purse, and got myself used to the idea of eating more regularly than I had been in the past, without upping my calories that much. Then I adding things to the carrots: I dipped them in hummus (again, it's really good for you, and was a good way to get myself to eat more without feeling like I was a pig), or sometimes peanut butter for an energy boost. Don't pressure yourself to eat a certain calorie goal ("over 1000" can sound huge), just try to eat a few more snacks a day. They can be really low-cal foods, just add a snack or something. I guess I tried just about anything to shift my focus away from those numbers, so one of the things I focused on instead was amount: eating just a little *more* even if it wasn't a lot more calories. I tryed to find a balance where I could eat my 'more' snacks without feeling like a cow grazing, so carrots (and sometimes cauliflower or cucumber sticks for variety) were the thing I compromised with myself about.

The other thing that worked for me was to force variety into my diet. I promised myself that I would eat three meals a week with foods that I'd never tasted before, and started cooking to accomplish that (it didn't have to be big meals, maybe just a weird granola-yogurt combination I hadn't tried yet for breakfast). It's kind of funny, but if you're focusing on not repeating meals that often, you run out of your old 'normal' (super-low-cal) foods really fast. I went through all my usual reperatoire of soups and veggie-things in under a month. So I branched out, looked online for recipes (and it's okay to find low-cal recipes, just find new ones), and started teaching myself to cook Morroccan and Thai. Even if you're still eating low-cal, I feel like the variety is good for you. Plus if your boyfriend's keeping track, it can seem like you're eating more because you're talking about the new and different things you tried. Eventually, I found some *tastes* that I liked, and stopped focusing on the calories as much because I was excited about the flavors. It was a good way for me to let my calorie count rise slowly, and it got me out of the habit of counting them religiously, which was even better than eating more, really. It helped my mental state more, at least.

So that's what worked for me, when I tried to wean myself off my weird eating habits. Your mileage is probably way different, but at least they're ideas. Do think about seeing a psychiatrist, though. Mine was a really wonderful thing, when I needed to talk to someone and didn't trust my parents (they'd have freaked) or my boyfriend.