This might sound funny but I don't know how to eat normally

The title sounds unusual I'm sure, but it certainly feels unusual.

I have various Special Needs/Learning Disorders/Whatever you want to call them and my mother has never truly accepted this and dealt with it very poorly. She was very abusive while I lived with them (I happily escaped when I moved away for University) and one of the main way she punished me was refusing to allow me to eat with the rest of my family.

She would not only make me not eat with them, she'd ensure that any leftovers were scraped into the compost bin, so that I had to cook my own food. I was only allowed to do this when the rest of my family had finished using both the kitchen and dining room. This started when I was about 12 years old, happened almost every day (if I had to put a number I'd say 300 days out of each year), and never with any explanation of what I'd done wrong - usually I'd do something which highlighted one of my difficulties and my mother would blame me, but never with any literal explanation. Asking for one would only make her punishment worse.

Obviously as I couldn't stop being me and stop having my problems, my body and mind both adapted. I became a good cook! but my cooking was necessarily secretive and food became very much associated with guilt and feelings of low self-worth and of confusion.

This was no fun, and as this is just an example of the ways in which my parents made my life quite miserable you can see how it made my early years quite difficult to cope with. However, I was still eating 3 meals a day and presumably getting enough calories, and my weight never even crossed my mind.

Unfortunately, despite the hugely relieving feeling of long-deserved freedom from my parents after I moved out, the damage done to my self-esteem and my relationship showed itself very soon after I started living at uni. I lived in halls of residence with 11 other people with a shared kitchen and dining area. This was incredibly difficult for me, and I immediately went back to my coping mechanism of being secretive about my eating and avoiding preparing or eating food in front of anybody else. With 11 other people in a busy area this was incredibly difficult, and the only way I could really manage to eat without feeling terrible was to wait until very late at night, often around 3am, before finally eating one huge meal before falling asleep.

I was still eating that one big meal a day, and so while I was having problems with depression and suicidal thoughts, having an eating disorder never really occured to me. My girlfriend (to which I am eternally grateful) made me absolutely promise to see a doctor about my mental health, which was good. I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder and put on a waiting list for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy... a 2 year long waiting list, which I have yet to reach the end of .

Luckily I was able to immediately start seeing a Counsellor at my health centre who helped me tremendously. Through talking to her I was able to see within myself a lot of what was reality and what I'd simply learnt through abuse, and my self-confidence tangibly increased almost literally overnight. Best of all she was slowly helping me with eating, giving me "homework" each session to do something challenging like starting to prepare a meal before somebody comes in so I was forced to finish it was there, and slowly learn that nobody thought it was weird of me to be eating - in fact they'd judge me more negatively if they knew I wasn't eating!

Unfortunately, due to waiting lists or some other such NHS inadequacy I was only able to see her for 6 weeks. She'd helped to undo untold years of irrational worry, but almost as soon as I stopped seeing her and having her support and encouragement I was as bad as ever. I carried on having my one meal each day, carried on worrying and carried on being miserable.

I had hoped that at the end of my first year of uni, when I moved from halls of residence into a shared flat with 3 other people, the guilt would go away when I tried to eat. I was probably deluding myself when I hoped that, as for the last year I've still beeing eating just one meal when everybody else is asleep, with the odd opportunistic snack when I'm sure nobody will catch me.

Obviously this is a huge issue, but it didn't feel like one other than the feelings of guilt and shame I had. I don't think it's an eating disorder - I love food! I could eat food for 10 people given the chance! it's just that I can't do it in front of other people or even if they can HEAR me eating from another room (I'm very quiet with cutlery etc). I thought that the time that I was eating was a problem, but it never occured to me that the amount I was eating was bad until people (friends, my little sister, even one of my professors) commented on how skinny I had become. Around a month ago I weighed myself for the first time in memory and I was 7 stone, which at my height of 6'0" I believe means I have BMI of around 15.5.

Spurred on by the worry of my friends, and even more so after I've done some research now and found that my weight is outright dangerous, I've recently tried very hard to eat 3 meals a day again instead of just one. I'm a good cook (almost every evening meal I've eaten in the last 8 years [I'm 20 now] has been made by me) and I know how to eat healthily. I'm vegetarian, as are my entire extended family going back 2 generations, but I know that's not an actual reason to eat a substandard diet. But despite all my efforts this last month of desperate eating (my fear of my own weight counteracting all my shame and getting me to eat in front of other people for the first time in a few years) I've not only failed to gain weight but actually lost a further 2 pounds.

I've gone back to my GP and he basically told me up front that he doesn't know how to help me, and the best he could do is write a second letter asking that I be bumped my in the queue for treatment after it was shown to be helpful before. I've read all the stickied topics and quite a few by other users about their stories, and I'm under the impression I need to be eating around 3,000 calories a day to gain weight.

I don't really know how to be eating these calories (hence the topic title) and nor do I know how I can work out how many I'm currently eating. I eat quite large portions as I've always been a naturally voracious eater and I only ever get full-fat versions of things whenever there's a choice ie. milk, yoghurt.

I'm posting this (incredibly long topic! thanks for anybody who's stuck through this mini-novel lol) for two reasons, firstly because I know how helpful it was before when I had my counsellor to talk to and give me advice and support and I trust that this is a safe place to get that, and also for more practical advice on how to start putting on weight and aiming for a healthy weight once more. I know I have to conquer my other issues about self-value and anxiety, but that will come with time and patience and probably a lot of swearing along the way. In the meantime I'd just like to really get past this stage where I feel too embarassed to even wear a tshirt with short sleeves, and even more importantly to where I'm not at any kind of medical risk.

Huge thanks in advance for reading this and any help you can give.

Best wishes, Tom.

Hi Tom

Wow - what an amazing story. I have to say though in spite of all the problems you seem to be facing as a result of this childhood treatment, by this post you seem to me to be pretty well informed, well spoken, sharp guy.

The first thing that I thought of was my own eating issues (typical right? me me me! lol) and I have almost the oppposite problem to you - I eat too much! But also am a good cook, also self taught so snap there.

My love of food is strengthened by the surroundings in which I eat, aswell as who I eat with - meal times for me are always a time of sociality (is that a word?) I love planning what we're going to eat, buying it, cooking it, then serving it to appreciative faces. Food and eating are a real family and friend orientated experience for me, most of the time. And when EVERYONE is eating you don't really think about it- you don't look at what they're eating or how much. Everyone is anonymous in the table, people are only thinking about their own food, whats coming next, and what current topic of conversation they can barge in on and wow everyone with their expertise and knowledge :)

birthdays, holidays, Christmas etc are all planned around food, what we'll eat, who'll bring what. It ties everyone together, and makes meal time always associate with joyful, happy times, except when Grandma got pissed on sherry and did that thing with 2 balloons and a lampshade, which no one can forget, no matter how hard they try....

Anyway, who knows if this was the kind of reply you were hoping for, probably not, but I wish you good luck in this, this site is good you're right, there are many many knowledgeable and wordly people on here that can help you.

Best wishes

Hi Tom. You do indeed need to be eating at least 3000 calories - but that's if you're a sedentary man. You need to start training yourself to eat six times a day, and given your history I know that's going to be hard. Start building up to it - three big main meals (your breakfast, lunch and dinner) and two dense snacks. As time goes by, add a third snack.  

This pattern of eating will not only help you forge a normal schedule of eating but also hopefully, guide you towards eating around others. Perhaps start by trying to have a meal with your girlfriend (or even just a biscuit, cake, or a sandwich?) as from what I read, she seems to be someone you can trust.

I am really sorry you hear about your abuse. I went through some horrific bullying and physical and emotional abuse from both people in my secondary school and from my dad and even though I'm in college now and my dad is more in check I still get horrible anxiety, paranoia and social phobia. The only ways I've found to ease this were things like art and theatre - expressive mediums, so I can vent my emotions on paper instead of channeling it into things like my food and eating.

If your GP says "I cannot help you" then you do have to reply, "Then can you direct me to someone who can?" And I do not mean that in a harsh manner; I mean literally, ask about a nutritionist and/or a therapist. Which Uni do you go to, furthermore? Can they offer you a counselling service? Are you even lucky enough to be part of a Uni with a medical service or sector?

But yes. You'll need about 3000 calories a day sedentary just to start gaining. As you've read the stickies I'm sure you know this part but don't weigh yourself for at least two weeks as the weight will prove inaccurate for the time being. However, you are very much correct: your BMI is exceedingly dangerously low.

There's a sample meal plan for 3000 calories in one of the major stickies; I don't know if you'll have seen that. But that's your place to start. Build up gradually, in bursts of 500 calories or so until you hit it. And good luck, and if you need any other advice feel free to PM me or ask.

Wow. You say you have special needs/ learning problems? You sound very articulate and you were able to express yourself very well, better then most people with NO special learning issues.

Frankly, I think your parents sound like complete idiots. Emotionally abusing an innocent child is absolutely disgusting and they were not good parents to do so.

Given your lack of support from your family and the warped environment and extremely adult issues you dealt with from a very young age, you should be SO PROUD; I am AMAZED you have managed to grow up sounding like a sensible, productive, CLEVER member of society! You honestly sound like very clever!

You clearly have the will to gain weight and be healthy, you do not sound like you have an aversion to become healthy

Obviously this website cannot replace the advice of a professional/doctor/psychologist, however, there are some GREAT TOOLS that you have already looked through that can be VERY HELP FUL in the meantime.

You can get a good idea of how much you need to be eating to gain, and, most importantly, you can get support from people from all over the world who would love to help you!

There are many people on this site with complex problems related to food, and talking to other people with these issues may make you feel less alone and I think it is good to be able to talk to people you can relate to, who you do not have to face every day in your real like also.

GOOD LUCK!

THANKS YOU for sharing your story! You are very brave!

hi tom,

i simply want to add my support and amazement at your level of sharpness and articulate nature. i don't really know what sort of advice i could give you, except to say that you seem to be drifting in the right direction :)

your story and the fact that you have survived with the level-headedness you seem to convey, is inspirational :)

i wish the best for you - and good luck!

You are busy at being a student.  A free mental health booster would be a 12 step meeting like Emotions Anonamyous-  I can't spell this morning- or OA.  Those meetings are worth every minute.  I had baggage from my own childhood; OA members acceptance of me really helped me stand up and take charge of my life; I walked through fears that had seemed insurmountable after I'd attended meetings.  You've taken a huge step by posting.  Take care! You are not alone.

Tom I would advise seeking out very high calorie dense foods that you can eat quickly when you have moments of privacy. And to try and do so every few hours. I would suggest keeping a large amount of trail mix on hand. 1 cup of nuts will give you approximately 800 calories. The other advantage being that they are practically nonperishable. Consuming two cups of nuts or trail mix a day will help you reach at least half of the daily recommended intake. That will put you on fast track to weight gain. Nuts with raisins, (which are also pleasantly dense and high in calories) will provide you with healthy fats a fiber. If you want to gain weight you should still, naturally, be trying to do so with quality foods.

There is no question about it you must eat. Even if it means hiding in a bathroom stall and eating them. Since addressing your social anxiety disorder isn't totally possible at this time, then eat in private if you must. Or find a discreet location where you feel safe and people can't see you eating. Also, if you absolutely must keep eating the one night-time meal as well. I would also suggest high density cereals.

Talk to your faculty about your problem and see anyone can provide you with a small office for half an hour to eat in alone. If your counsellors are aware of your problem and the fact that your health it at risk they absolutely must provide you with a space so that you can work on renewing your health. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind about this.

Finally I will say that Protein ought to be the cornerstone of every meal (which is the hard part) and I would also like to stress the importance of fruit and vegetables. You should consider drinking high calorie juices as well as prepackage protein drinks designed to help you gain weight.

Good luck, and I wish you the best of health in the future.

Hi Tom - Sounds like you would benefit from some Behavior Modification.  I'm guessing that thinking about eating with others probably stirs up feelings of guilt, anxiety, fear, etc.  You're experiencing a conditioned response to meal time.

For instance, when Pavlov did his experiments with dogs, he taught them to associate the sound of a bell with their food.  Eventually, when the dogs heard the bell they started to salivate even if no food was given to them.  Your conditioning is probably more complex.  Do the sounds and smells associated with communal meal times bother you?  Think about what you're feeling and how your body reacts when you are around people who are eating.  You said that your self-value and anxiety issues are "other issues" that you'll deal with in time but it's highly likely that they are directly related to your inability to eat around others.  Your body may immediately experience a fight or flight response when you hear, see or smell things that you associate with communal meals.  Emotionally, you probably feel that you are unworthy of eating with others and probably fear that you will be rejected by others if they see you eat.  Whether you're conscious of it or not, the lack of self-esteem is contributing to the problem.

So I mentioned Behavior Modification.  This is exactly like Pavlov's dog experiment, but in reverse.  You want to start conditioning yourself to associate eating with others with pleasure and safety.  Here are some tips:

1) Figure out a first step.  Can you drink liquids around others?  Maybe you could sit in a coffee house or diner for an hour a day.  Start by drinking tea or coffee, then try to progress to something with more calories like a mocha or a shake or smoothie.  You will slowly become used to the sounds and smells of communal eating.

2) Your next step could be finding someone you trust (your girlfriend might be a good choice) to join you at the coffee house and you can share a drink while talking. 

3) Maybe you could then progress to eating a small snack in the same room as your girlfriend with her NOT looking at you.  It could be a "quiet" snack like cheese or a banana. 

Are you getting the idea?  Over time, your body and mind will become more comfortable with all the sights, sounds and smells of communal eating.  There are probably many books available about Behavior Modification - maybe you can search for some that deal with overcoming phobias. 

One note of caution: because you'll be conditioning a new response in yourself, be careful about only including one person in your recovery.  If you rely on your girlfriend alone for support and the two of you break up, you may realize that any progress you've made is closely linked to your girlfriend and without her you have to start over again.

As for getting more calories, if you are eating one large meal a day it's going to be very difficult to get all the calories you need.  Look into high calorie liquid meals - something that can pack 1000 calories into one protein shake or something.  Then, you only need to find one or two times during the day when you have to find time alone to have a quick meal (in addition to your big meal at night).  Lock yourself in the bathroom if you need to and spend 15 minutes sucking down a protein shake.  Your roommates must be aware there's something going on, right?  If not, tell them the whole story and ask for some times during the day when you can be alone for just a little while so you can eat something.

I hope some of this helped clarify what was going on and maybe helped you get started on getting well.  Keep us posted on how things are going!

Dear Tom,

I am very sorry to hear about your dilemma and I wish you support, love and success. I too have been facing self esteem types of issues although mine are nothing compared to what you have described. If there is any way for you to do it I would recommend going to another place for treatment. I know it is very difficult but if the wait list is that long in your city or chosen center you may have to look outside of your city for help. I understand how difficult it can be to find help. When I reached out no one would help me because I was not suicidal (I would not recommend becoming suicidal to get help). Just keep your eyes peeled for resources a little further away that might be able to start you on treatment sooner.

With regards to your weight, I am not a vegetarian so I am not sure how to increase calories by remaining vegetarian unless you just increase the quantity of the foods you are already eating. If vegetarianism in a belief system for you that is your best option. If it is primarily familial and not a belief system I would recommend incorporating butter, oils, meats (especially beef and pork because they are high in calories), cheeses etc. They are high calorie foods that are also good for you (butter is debatable of course), but your body needs fat and protein anyway. Nuts are also a good source of protein and fats too. Also, don't forget about liquid calories. You could drink juices or milk (soy or regular as you prefer) too. Calories are calories regardless of their form. Carbohydrates are important too. Don't forget about them.

My prayers and best wishes go out to you, Tom. Good luck and good health (physically and in every other way).

Heather

you have learning disabilities?!? i find that hard to believe...maybe ur mom was just a b*atch.

sorry if that was insensitive. ur just a really interesting and articulate writer. i wish your mother could see that.

Thanks a lot to all of you for your replies. They all made me smile a lot and I know that posting here was a good idea.

@gg80 - thanks a lot :D I have quite a few challenges in life but nature at least tried to make up for them by giving me a talent for thinking and writing.

You're kind of right that we are definitely mostly the opposite :P I think I'd want to run a mile from your planned social meals, and while I could struggle through one I'd certainly not enjoy it. Good to see you love cooking to though and have even made a career out of it, it's very satisfying. Thanks a lot for your post, it was good to read something supportive so soon after I posted this topic and it made me feel very relieved I'm not a total weirdo lol.

@lalabanna - I've read the stickies and I don't really see a way of working out how many calories you've eaten. Is there a place I can put the food I've eaten and work out the calories from it? I don't think I'm sedentary as I walk to and back from classes each day which comes to around an hour in total of brisk exercise per day, and I go Kayaking for 2 hours each week. I'm considering catching the bus to class and stopping all the other exercise as logically it's just making it harder for me to start putting on weight.

I'll make sure to start eating snacks as well as meals, as I've not really done that. I've not really got any snack food in the house but I'll sure to go food shopping ASAP. It looks like I'll be stocking up on peanut butter from reading lots of meal plans lucky thing I like it a lot.

I go to Queen's University, Belfast and I'm registered at the University's Health centre, which is where my GP is located. My GP isn't a particularly sympathetic man - his general suggestion was that I pull myself together and not make such a fuss over everything - but I'll try and muster the courage to ask for a different referral to specifically help with the eating. The big problem is that Northern Ireland isn't a very big place, and the treatment is ONLY available at Belfast city hospital which I'm already on the waiting list for, so I don't know how successful that will be. There's no way I could ever afford private treatment, as I live off my student grant and a disabled student's allowance, which doesn't stretch very far after the rent is paid.

@personaltrainer87 - Yeah, I was always top of my class in English at school and I've done very well at university. I have Asperger's Syndrome, Dyspraxia and Dyscalculia which mean I have poor understanding of the emotions of others, am very clumsy and poorly coordinated (I cannot handwrite, for example, and do all school work and exams on a computer) and am unable to learn mathematics. There's a lot more to them all and the ways in which they effect my life, but explaning them would take an even longer topic than this one! You're right though that most people don't realise I'm anything but normal unless they've known me for a while, as I have developed ways of keeping it to myself to avoid embarassment (a few people at school found out and I was teased for it).

@musicalfishmich - Thanks a lot, just your support is help enough as it makes me feel a lot more confident trying to tackle this. I haven't really started yet, but I feel less worried about the future and how hard it will be.

@poetnw - I googled it and I don't see that there are any in the local area, and I don't drive unfortunately. I'm not particularly sure that it would be suited well for me because I am naturally shy and I dislike group settings in which I feel obligated to contribute more than just listening. I'd rather wait until one-on-one counselling becomes available, but thank you anyway for your suggestion.

@cpontifex - I've done very well with eating so far, I think. I still feel very uncomfortable but worries about my health and realisation of the actual need to gain weight have been enough motivation that I've prepared food even in front of other people in the last few days. Not to say I didn't find it pretty hellish, but I did it anyway which is a good step.

Thanks for the advice on calorie-dense foods. I've never liked raisins but I'm a big fan of nuts, seeds and other things like that. I've also learnt over time as part of cooking as a vegetarian about the importance of protein and ways to combine foods to get more complete proteins, so I'll continue to ensure I do that well. Thanks for your luck!

@pavlovcat - Cognitive Behaviour Therapy sounds like the same thing as Behavior Modification, only under a different name. I agree that it worked very well, but even with a sheet of instructions I've found it very hard to work up the courage to do it on my own, and the little voice in my head telling me all these negative thoughts was too strong.

I don't really find liquids much more comfortable than solids, but weirdly I've never felt awkward about eating in front of either my girlfriend or my younger sister. I think because I've known them for so long (my girlfriend and I have been together since we were 16, and known each other since we were 11) without ever having a reason to not trust her. Unfortunately she's a horrible cook and we don't live in the same house at the moment (will do next year though, hurrah) so I can't rely on her help too much, but she knows about my problem and is being very supportive - even before I started trying to help myself, she was helping me. Thanks for the great post though and I'll be sure to keep you updated.

@hhartley - Thank you for your encouragement and I'm sorry to hear about your own problems. I don't know that yours are really nothing compared to mine - we all experience things differently and have different challenges in life, and I don't think any of us can really say that we'd cope better with something than somebody else without actually being them. I hope you find yours easier and are able to get the treatment and support you need (or are getting it already).

I actually was sucicidal when I first went to my GP and I was originally diagnosed by depression rather than social anxiety disorder, but I'm glad that I'm not any more. I'm actually very happy with how my life is going at the moment - even though this is a problem it doesn't look like one I can't fix with enough effort and patience. I will be following lala's and your advice and try to see if I can get treatment sooner rather than being stuck on this waiting list.

I'm a vegetarian but not a vegan, so I can still eat dairy and egg products. I'm quite experienced at ensuring I get all the nutritional requirements in the right proportion - I just haven't been eating enough of them, rather than the wrong things. Thank you for your advice and well-wishes.

@specca - I have Asperger's Syndrome, Dyspraxia and Dyscalculia, though none of these are immediately apparent, especially over the internet. I have real difficulties in the areas that those effect, but I'm not unintelligent and I have a natural talent for writing. I agree though that my mum was a bit of a %#$£ sometimes, but she had her own issues which were probably at the root of it - she has been in and out of hospital ever since her late teens with severe depression and other mental health problems. She's kept it a secret but I once accidentally came across some letters to and from her doctor, and my dad has confirmed it. I'm sure she loves me as all parents naturally love their children, she just probably doesn't know how to show it.

It wasn't at all insensitive to ask and actually it's quite reassuring that I come across as quite a nice guy, and thankyou for your thoughts.

This post is incredibly long too but your great replies all deserved their own attention I thought.

Tom, everyone else has given you some great advice to which I cant really add. I just wanted to say I feel really sorry for you and your situation. I really hope you can work out some way to get yourself better.

I`m also from Northern Ireland so I completely understand about the lack of treatment. There just is nothing, there is no-one or nowhere to get the proper help that we need. I have really struggled to find people who can work with EDS here, so you have my sympathy there as well!

If you ever need some help or just a chat feel free to message me.

Betty, the OP does not have an eating disorder. Do not presume everyone does.

Tom, I suggest you get a book and start writing things down. What exactly is the problem you see in figuring out how much you have eaten? As for your GP, I suggest you ask to see another one in the centre if he refuses to refer you. Or a nutritionist who can help you work out a 3000 calorie+ exchange plan.

Sorry I didnt mean to imply that everyone here just has an ED. I really was meaning about the lack of services in general for people in Northern Ireland for mental health related disorders and also even to find a dietician or nutritionist who could work with a complex case such as Toms is rather difficult.

Again sorry to Tom and others, I didnt mean to label you as having an ED, my meaning came across wrong.

Hi Tom,

You sound like an amazing guy, what an incredible history and what a great thing that you are now on your own and advocating for yourself!  I'm a speech/language pathologist who works with children dealing with all different types of physical, learning and emotional disabilities-my heart breaks at the thought of how your parents reacted to whatever struggles you had.  As everyone has said, you are a very articulate individual, you obviously have worked very hard and are doing well in many ways.  There is much better advice available regarding your eating from other people who have responded, I am dealing with my own issues around eating.  I was just struck by your post and wanted to encourage you to share your story with trusted professionals and seek the advice of a respected nutritionist.  No one should be minimizing your struggles, least of all your GP.  Good luck and know that there is support out there for you!

Best,

Kristin