Mind my own business or meddle?

I have a chubby, 14-yr old daughter. She's 5'-2", ~150lbs and healthy.  She likes to eat and isn't very active.  I encourage her to go for walks or bike rides (with or without me) to no avail.  As for "leading-by-example" - I run and my husband's a cyclist.

Most meals are home-cooked and low-fat.  I keep some treats in the house because I believe in "everything in moderation". I encourage healthy eating and portion control (without actually saying anything about weight).

My daughter's very self-conscious - she chooses loose clothes and adjusts her tops to cover herself.  I feel sad for her.  Being a teen is hard enough without being chubby. I was about her age when I started dieting and exercising but she hasn't shown any signs of caring yet.

What should I do?  Wait and hope she decides to do something on her own? Tactfully (if that's possible) approach the subject? Leave the whole thing alone?

I hope I don't sound like an awful mother. I just know she'd feel much better physically AND mentally if she was a bit slimmer. Your advice is appreciated.

wow I remember when I was 14 and if my mom said anything to me -  even, "Pass the salt" I'd go apesh*t.  But, it sounds like your daughter and you get along.

That's a tough subject.  I say continue to set good healty examples, but not say anything until it really becomes an issue.  Is there a dance class you can get her into?  Buy a Wii game?  Take walks after school?  Get a dog so she can take a walk with it?

As for the clothes; maybe have a momma-daughter day and take her to a store where she knows she can get some cool stuff but still be trendy?

you don't sound like an awful mom.  but she's only going to be happy when you're happy-  do you think she senses your concer; or fear to express concern?

Original Post by vanessa1031:

wow I remember when I was 14 and if my mom said anything to me -  even, "Pass the salt" I'd go apesh*t. 

LOL!! 7 years later and I can still be like that sometimes! Hence why I live 70 miles away now!

I think really the only thing you can do, to ensure that she won't hate you in 10 years time, is carry on leading by example. Stop having "treats" in the house that are fatty and sugary and have TREATS that are fresh and healthy. Make family time a walk in the park. Make her come on bike rides in the name of family bonding that she will cringe at right now but will look back on when she gets older as lovely time spent with her parents. Bring healthy, fresh picnics and make a day of it.

I think you sound like a good mum :)

As a former chubby teen girl, I vote for leave it alone.  You can do the family activities,etc. but she's at that sensitive age where all females start having body image issues and trying to put myself in her shoes, I can't imagine the conversation ending without me feeling horrible and more insecure.  If you really believe discussing it is important, I'd go the route of discussing the importance of getting 30 minutes in 4-5 times a week for health and stay away from discussing her weight or size.

I remember suede skirts were in style when I was in eighth grade (so 13-14) and I begged for one.  My mother told me she would buy me one if I got to a size 8.  To this day it's the only parenting mistake I recall that truly upset me. 

You can always get a family membership to the local Y or a gym with the understanding that she can go anytime she wants - I would never have been willing to workout or exercise with my parents. 

Honestly I would try and help. I was a heavy teen as well in grade school it didn't bother me that much but when I went to high school at 15 with the "big kids" the only way I knew to loose weight was to eat as little as humanly possibly which as we all know does not work well but peer pressure does funny things to people.

You have to be careful with telling a teenager to do anything so I would try and reverse the situation a little, tell her you would like to loose 10lbs and would really like her help to keep you stay on track and keep motivated because you are a little embarrassed to let other people know (she is your daughter you can probably guess her secret fears try and bring them up as your own fears it will help her feel she can really relate to you and the situation and may even prompt her share her feelings with you).

Show her calorie count how you can log foods and ask her advice on how to get your calories down to 1600, explain to her what you are doing and why you choose your calorie goal and not something crazy like 500 calories.  Ask her if she thinks it is a good idea, and hear what she thinks (this is an easy way to learn any misconceptions and correct them) ask her if she would be interested in joining with you, maybe even make a game out of it with weekly weigh-ins but try and let her "win" especially in the beginning to get her motivated.

Even if she doesn't want to join you in loosing weight you will be giving her the tools to loose weight properly and when she is ready (i.e. there is a boy she really really likes)  she might come to you. She can exercise for an hour everyday but if she is overeating ( I used to drink a tonne of healthy milk and juice in a day probably 1000calories worth ) it won't help so she really needs to learn calorie control.

Thank you everyone. I realize this is a "sticky" situation - that's why I sought help.

I like the idea of doing more activities together - that might work.  We DO get along well so maybe she'll like the extra mother-daughter time.

I also agree with not actually saying anything.  You're all right - there's no way to do that without hurting her.

I might try to carefully let her see what I do on CC - just to make her aware.  I haven't yet because I didn't want the situation to go "the other way" on me - if you know what I mean.  What do you think - should I?

In all honesty, I would NOT get her started on counting calories.  I did many papers and research on anorexia and these years can be verrrrry critical and a lot of disorders start with making sure there is a deficit in what they take in to what they take out.

What I WOULD advise, is teaching her how to read a food label; about healthy fats and fiber-  AND about how to cook healthy and have fun with it.  Thoughts?

I agree, that is a tough situation, but if you can find a creative way to try to let her know that maybe she should be exercising more things might change. Honestly, I weighed more when I was that age too and the only thing that sparked me to change - i.e. eat healthier and work out more - was when I saw a picture of myself and my mom and I could wear the same size pants. (My mom and I have a great relationship too). It really was an internal thing that motivated me to change. Additionally, as sad as it is, other people are a big motivator and especially in high school and around that age, many girls, especially become worried about weight issues. I understand your not wanting to over do it and make her think that she is overweight by any means. As a concerned mother I think you are making the right decisions! :)

I was heavy when I was about 12-15 and then I started being more active and eventually started exercising more so I could lose weight. If somoene had said something to me when I was heavy, I would have been upset, had my feelings hurt, and then been completely defensive about it. So, addressing the subject isn't really a good idea, because it could hurt her feelings or make her angry that you mentioned it.

From my own personal experience in having been a heavy teen, I would say the best thing to do is to have healthier foods in the house and to set a good example by eating healthy yourself. I know if there had been healthier foods, less junk food, and others eating healthy in the house, then I probably wouldn't have been heavy in the first place. And, if there was a change from junk food to healthy food in the house, then I would have probably ended up making that change myself and lost some weight. Another thing is being active, that's important. Once I became more active I started to lose some weight and felt so much better physically and better about myself too. Just being more active actually made me feel better. So, I'd say to just start doing more things that will get her to be up and active like start taking walks and then ask her to go along with you, or maybe ride a bike or roller blade, just stuff to be more active. You can just ask her to go along with you, then it's just you asking her to do something with you and not geared toward losing weight or anything. It's not really addressing the issue that way, but it may be an insentive to get her up and active so she can lose some weight.

Maybe letting her see what you do on CC would help her want to do something too. But, I wouldn't just come out and show her or just come out and say what you're doing or anything like that. You could go on here when she's in the room and could see it, or you could talk about it with someone else when she's in the room and could hear. That way you're not just coming out and saying, "Hey, I'm doing this" or "Check this out", which to her would probably indicate you're addressing the issue and may make her feel bad or get upset with you.

Original Post by runyourlife:

Thank you everyone. I realize this is a "sticky" situation - that's why I sought help.

I like the idea of doing more activities together - that might work.  We DO get along well so maybe she'll like the extra mother-daughter time.

I also agree with not actually saying anything.  You're all right - there's no way to do that without hurting her.

I might try to carefully let her see what I do on CC - just to make her aware.  I haven't yet because I didn't want the situation to go "the other way" on me - if you know what I mean.  What do you think - should I?

 

I think you sound like a great mother. Doing more activities together without mentioning her weight (if she's self-conscious, she already knows anyway) sounds like a good idea.

I would NOT introduce her to the CC website. For two reasons - firstly, I think it's better that teenagers learn to eat for health and enjoyment. We need to get rid of the dieting and calorie-counting mentality, and not introducing those ideas in the first place would be a good place to start.

The second reason is the very prevalent eating disorder-related posts here on the forums - the Young Calorie Counter's forum is often a hive of ED activity, despite the moderating that goes on.

I think there have been some good points posted so far - ie that realising you want to change your weight has to be an internal thing, and that we need to remember how very sensitive teens are. I think cooking healthy food together sounds like a good idea, as well as having healthy snacks around... with a little moderation, of course!

I was a healthy weight as a teenager until I was 16-17, when I became a little chubby (my BMI was about 26). My mother made me weigh myself, stared at the scale and said, "Gosh! Oh Meryl, I weigh 15 kilos less than you!" I squirmed and said "but I'm not fat..." and she replied, "Well, you're certainly not slim are you?" That moment there was the start of a VERY unhealthy relationship with food and my body. I am SO very glad to see a mother think carefully about this issue and healthy, sensitive ways to go about it

"mind my own business"???   I'd say your daughter IS your business!!!  She needs your input/advice/support.   You say you keep "treats" around - maybe she's eating more of the treats than you know?  What does she eat at school?  Our kids aren't our friends...parenting isn't always a popular job - get tougher about her lack of exercise - take her to the gym with you.  Choose activities that you can do together.  Take the computer/TV/ etc. out of her room (if she has these things).  She may get mad, but she will thank you later!

I would tend to agree with the previous poster. There is such a thing as firm love, and your daughter probably still trusts you to guide her and be honest with her, even if at her age she may not want to show it. It may be better for her to hear these things in the safety of her own home and of the unconditional love that she gets from you, than from some insulting brats at school, because she will know that her 'chubbiness' does not mean rejection from the people who matter most to her.

Also, she needs you to give her the keys to getting out of her situation should she decide to. And this is something which can be done gently and tactfully. Exercise is obviously good, but she probably will find that daunting, because it will seem like a lot of effort for marginal results. You already help her judge the size of food portions at meal times, and make good choices, which is fabulous. You may need a fuller picture of what she actually eats when she's not with you (she must be getting the extra weight from somewhere). As she becomes more comfortable in her body, the energy levels will probably rise naturally.

I am not sure you need to worry too much about triggering an eating disorder, although I am no expert so don't take my word for it. My understanding is that eating disorders are caused by severe emotional issues which are not directly related to food and weight. Telling your daughter that she is a bit chubby and that you would like to have a little chat with her about it, does not strike me as emotional abuse.

Finally, if you say she is 'self-conscious' about it, I am not sure that making it a taboo subject is likely to help relieve her of anxieties regarding her body-image.

In short, I would go for option 2.

All the best!

be active with her; go cycling/swimming together etc. do not let her integrate herself into the Young CCers section; it is riddled ith delusional ED sufferers.

At 14 I weighed 180 pounds. At sixteen I weighed 130 pounds, my lowest weight ever.

Guide her with food choices, but give her the choice of having junk once and a while. 
Give her a choice of a walk or a bike ride every day with you.
Do not make a deal about her weight, some kids need extra weight for development, at 14 she is still growing and maturing inside.
Does she have any cooking skills?  Maybe take a cooking class with her or teach her how to make basic meals with healthy choices.
Please do not get her involved with a calorie site, as stated above you do not want her to get involved with an ED site.

Wow!  Thanks so much for ALL your input - you've been very helpful.  There's so many valid points made here - for both options. I have alot to think about.

I didn't realize how bad Young CCrs is - I don't want to go that way so I won't introduce her to CC for now - really glad I asked about that. 

I will start doing more activities with her "for fun".  She may find something she likes and decide to do more of it on her own *crosses fingers*.

glamgram and nat1968 - I agree that maybe some "tough love" is needed.  I have to figure out how to do that though - "tough" is not my usual style (can you tell?).  Also, good point about the food I don't see her eating. I'm not home when she gets home from school and I know she loves pb or cheese on crackers - those calories can really add up. Maybe I'll start leaving some lighter snacks for her to have.

I grew up at an average weight (130-135 at 5 ft 4 in.)  I was very active in dance classes from the age of 3 until I graduated high school.  I not only took classes, but I also taught dance classes to grade school kids.  I started as a teacher's aid at the age of 13.  I was active and making money. 

With summer coming, is there a part time job she could get that would get her up and moving more?  I live in a lake community, so there are tons of resorts and campgrounds that are always looking for young people to help with mowing lawns, cleaning cabins, and keeping garbage picked up.  Otherwise, even at the local grocery store, she would be on her feet and moving AND making her own money (a huge incentive!!!)  I also had friends who taught or aided in summer programs through the school system.  They did everything from arts and crafts to taking kids to the park. 

If no one will hire a 14 year old, have her look into volunteering at a city park, boys and girls club, even the food shelf all of these places will get her more active.  She may see a difference in how she looks and feel differently about herself so that she takes some initiative to make more changes without you ever having to say something.

Also, with your daughter only being 14, she's still in her awkward stage.  I look back at pictures of me at 14, and I looked very round, but as I got into high school, my weight didn't change much, but it seemed to spread out a little more.  I didn't carry it all in my mid-section any more.  I had breasts and hips take on some of the weight, my legs and arms became more muscular, and I didn't look so awkward.

Original Post by ktjo:

be active with her; go cycling/swimming together etc. do not let her integrate herself into the Young CCers section; it is riddled ith delusional ED sufferers.

If I were you I wouldn't introduce her to the idea of weight loss site AT ALL. It's a very short step from one like CC to the pro ana sites. I uses to frequent these sites and they are extremely damaging. Look on one yourself, you will be shocked.

Even now, as an adult and someone who is determined to do this the sustainable, healthy, fulfilling way if I do take a quick look on one of those sites I can feel myself slipping back into that old mindset.

On the subject on leaving her lighter snakc, yes definately, but I wouldn't have "Low fat", "Low cal", "weight watchers" "diet" foods around, these will draw her attention to hr weight. Just, as everyone's said, get her active with you and make sure she's only got fruit and things to snack on. Make sure meals are healthy and correctly portioned etc and she should be fine

I'm dreading this issue already and my child is only 2 and a half. 

I feel the need to reply because I went through this not too long ago. If your daughter is self conscious then she probably already knows she's chubby and hearing it from you isn't going to help. My mom was always on some diet, so by the time I was in 6th grade I was on diets because I thought I was fat (I wasn't) My mom telling me I could lose 10 pounds didn't help matters. I think the best idea is to be active with her..my mom bought me an excercise bike for my 14th birthday (in her defense I asked for one) but looking back now it probably wasn't the best thing. Someone mentioned taking her tv and things out of her room. I would feel like my mom was punishing me for being chubby if she did that to me. Almost like if you were skinny you could have these..but you're not so I'm taking them away. If you choose to say something be veeery nice about it. My mom used to pat my tummy and make a sucking in sound...this was not helpful I assure you. hopefully you figure out the right way to go about it!!

Original Post by runyourlife:

glamgram and nat1968 - I agree that maybe some "tough love" is needed.  I have to figure out how to do that though - "tough" is not my usual style (can you tell?).

I got a lot of inspiration about how to be an assertive parent from books by Steve Biddulph (The Secrets of Happy Children, Raising Boys, Raising Girls...)

So far so good, but mine are still quite small...

This is why I love this site - so much support.  Thanks again.

I like the part-time job idea - will look into that.

misscherry - good point about the "labels" on foods - I'll keep that in mind.

About our helpful mothers (my mom did it too) - funny that we never saw it as helpful but rather as hurtful - kind of a betrayal - moms are supposed to love us as we are, right? I'll have to always remember that.

Original Post by runyourlife:

 moms are supposed to love us as we are, right? I'll have to always remember that.

Yes, but in your original post you were worried about her physical and mental well-being. It's quite different, isn't it? You did not say anything about how you felt about her appearance. Wanting her to be happy and healthy does not mean you don't love her as she is.