Mind my own business or meddle?

I have a chubby, 14-yr old daughter. She's 5'-2", ~150lbs and healthy.  She likes to eat and isn't very active.  I encourage her to go for walks or bike rides (with or without me) to no avail.  As for "leading-by-example" - I run and my husband's a cyclist.

Most meals are home-cooked and low-fat.  I keep some treats in the house because I believe in "everything in moderation". I encourage healthy eating and portion control (without actually saying anything about weight).

My daughter's very self-conscious - she chooses loose clothes and adjusts her tops to cover herself.  I feel sad for her.  Being a teen is hard enough without being chubby. I was about her age when I started dieting and exercising but she hasn't shown any signs of caring yet.

What should I do?  Wait and hope she decides to do something on her own? Tactfully (if that's possible) approach the subject? Leave the whole thing alone?

I hope I don't sound like an awful mother. I just know she'd feel much better physically AND mentally if she was a bit slimmer. Your advice is appreciated.

nat, you almost made me cry.  You're right, I do love her, and I don't want her to suffer like I did. This is for HER not me. 

I'm glad that came across because I was feeling kind of bad for my post - like I had already betrayed her. Boy, this "mothering stuff" is hard sometimes.  Nobody prepares you for the guilt.

I vote for leaving her alone. I was a chubby teen, and my mother encouraged me to eat less and to exercise. I was very insulted and annoyed at her for doing this, and would sometimes eat more just so she would stop telling me how great it was that I ate less. I gained quite a lot more wieght as a result and am still having a hard time losing it. Seriously, I just watched a home video from 9th grade and realized I was only slightly pudgy at the time. Before I joined CC I'd gotten up to 360 lbs! I'm now 23 and have only made it down to 294 so far. I feel like I lost the best of my late teens and early twenties by being morbidly obese while most girls were running around in short skirts and bikinis. If there hadn't been so much tension about my weight between me and my mother during high school, I might have stayed only a bit overweight instead of balooning like I did.

It's very hard to be the fat girl in class, and when you come home after dealing with all the nasty comments and such you get at school, you really just want to relax and feel accepted by your family instead of having to hear more of the same. Even if it's said in a loving way, I think teenagers naturally get more upset about anything their parents say, you know? I would be very concerned about backlash. If she comes to you for help, great. Also, I think it's wonderful that you are leading by example and cooking healthful meals. Keep that up, but please don't put too much pressure on her!

Thanks galax for sharing your story - another example of not-so-good mothering, eh?

Yep, after hearing everyone's bad experiences, I've definitely decided not to say anything about it - even the best choice of words won't come out right AND will probably backfire on me. Like you said, teenagers DO get more upset about stuff.

It could also be puberty's evil horned head! I got really heavy there in the first few years of puberty and then slimmed down when my hormones regulated and I got really heavy into sports.

 She may not be interested in walking or running. Maybe some other kind of sport? Or activity? Dance classes, yoga? OOh, someone mentioned a mommy and me type of day, why not go to a yoga class or a cardio kickboxing class? Those are fun!! 

Good point about puberty m0m6 - that hadn't occured to me yet.  You're right, she may "level out" when she's done growing.

That's funny you mentioned the yoga and kickboxing classes - I was just on our city's Parks and Rec site looking for mother/daughter classes. No luck yet, might have to try the Y.  Thanks for your input.

btw - you're baby's beautiful  

Whether or not she levels out is yet to be determined, but regardless of her actual weight, it's time to start exploring physical options for her.  You can tell her that you've read that it's important to start incorporating exercise (both cardio and weight bearing) into her routine at a young age.  Cardio is heart healthy and the weight bearing will help with bone density.

So now that you're aware that this is something she needs for her health it's up to you and her to explore the possiblities to get this necessary exercise in.  Basic gym class does not count as there are so many ways to avoid actually doing anything in it!  Try taking up a racquet sport together (tennis, badminton, racquetball), or do the 100 push up challenge and a squat challenge.  Cycling or running might not be the best ideas as mom and dad are good at those unless the parent who isn't so good is the one participating.  Martial arts might be for her (good way to combine both cardio and strength), dancing might work.  There should be a sampling of community classes available for her to explore and see which she might prefer.

Thanks sm, glad to hear from a moderator. You're absolutely right - she should make exercise part of her life (we all should). Unfortunately for her (like me) she's been blessed with chubby genes (both sides of the family) and she'll probably struggle with it forever.  So getting into "fitness" will be a good thing.

I'm looking into the different activities available in our area.  I'm glad you mentioned tennis - she did go to a tennis camp two summers ago (on her own accord) - maybe she's still interested??? The martial arts is an interesting idea too - have to check that out. We'll definitely get something going for this summer.

When you're young is a great time to start sampling physical activities and see what she might and might not like.  In general, I'd sign up for a month or 6 week course and just say that she has to attend the entire series before switching to something else.  Frequently I've found that I don't like something at first (like hip hop dancing), but after you learn a bit more it grows on you.

As a teenager, my BMI was average, and yet I was physically inactive. Most of my time was spent at my desk studying or on my bed reading. My friends were not any more sporty than me. We had three proper meals a day and a healthy snack after school... I became interested in exercising later on, for the fun of it, and for relaxation, in my early twenties. Not to lose weight.

So yes, exercise will always be beneficial, but in terms of weight loss, not just for your daughter but more generally, my belief is that eating fewer high calorie foods (biscuits, crisps, chips, cakes, low quality chocolate, sweets, bars etc) is also necessary...

My penny's worth... Again...

Frankly, i think as a mom you're screwed either way-  if you say something to them about their weight, if they grow up to be fat, they'll blame you.  If you don't say something, and they grow up fat, they will still blame you. As a parent you just can't win.  Just try and be the best representative for a healthy lifestyle, and hopefully they will model what you do.  

my mom forced me to go to the guym and exercise and too this day i am so thankfull. i love to exercise now. sure i wasn't too happy when she was making me go at the time but after a while i saw positive changes and was thank-full:)

At 5'2" she is overweight, but NOT obese. You should just keep an eye on her, and continue to have good food in the house. If you make her weight a big deal, she will make it a big deal, and will probably feel like you don't love her because she is "fat", which could lead to serious ED issues.

As a side note: my father was not in my life often,and I went through an awkward fat stage (i.e. obese) between fourth and eigth grades. There were some serious issues going on with not having my dad in my life and with the way he treated me when he was. I was  very active, walked, and rode my bike all the time! and my mom had good food in our house. I remember when I was in high school and had not seen my dad in years, and he asked me if I was still fat. It broke my heart at the time. I felt like he did not love me because I was fat. At that time though,  I was not fat, I had gotten involved with a high school drill team, and was running, and the weight came off. At 5'4" though I never got any smaller than 145 pounds. So I guess my point is to be careful. Don't ignore it altogether, but if she is not continuing to gain weight, then don't worry too much, she is probably just growing into her body.

If you are worried about how she dresses, maybe she just isn't sure how to dress for her changing body. Definitely take her shopping and help her to dress trendy and cool for her body type. She sounds really self-conscious which is normal for her age. I read a research article that 80-90% of weight issues have to do with what is eaten and NOT with the amount of exercise. So maybe start cooking and planning meals and snacks together as a fun thing, and try new recipes and experiment together. This will get her engaged in it, cooking and preparing what she likes, and not just what mom thinks she should have.

How tall are you and your husband? I ask because I was also 5'2" and about 150 when I was 13 but by the time I was 15 I was 5'11" and 150... I stayed the same weight but I stretch like gumby :)

Is she interested in sports? Even if she stinks athletically track would be a great option... the team is big enough to make friends and the practices would provide her with a chance to burn some energy! Who knows she might LOVE IT. I don't know about her high school but ours doesn't cut anyone... they welcome all people to join... but it is competitive to hold a position where you are a "starter"

My younger brother is 14 and he joined track this year because my mom told him he either had to take up a sport or get a after school job... (to get him off the couch and away from the TV) so he chose track-

when track started he was about 20lbs overweight... and with a kid's metabolism he was fit as a fiddle by the end of their 4 month season! He loves it and will do it again next year as a Pole Vaulter?! Who knew he went from being in the worst shape on the team to competeing in the most physically challenging event.

I wouldn't approach it is a weight issue but that she doesn't do enough Extra Cirriculars! ALSO SPORTS ARE A HUGE PLUS IN COLLEGE ADMISSIONS!! I worked in the admissions office at my school and we always weighed a student with a sport over a student with the same grades who didn't have cirriculars. It shows a prosective school that you have skills like: time management, team work, leadership, dedication...

like I said... I would approach it as something that can help her future! This will allow her more options when it comes time to apply to college because she will get into more schools with cirriculars than without them- that is a fact. 

Wow, more responses - love the support I get here.  Every post has a new "angle" or something I hadn't thought about. 

kawnd, you're right - as a parent you can't win BUT you can't give up either, right?

I've made some changes (there are a few more to come too). I don't want to single out my daughter so the changes are for everybody in the name of healthy-eating. It didn't seem to shock the kids that there were no treats in this week's groceries. I bought extra fruit and made low-fat, healthy snacks for their lunches - nobody complained.

I talked to my daughter about activities - she seemed interested *good sign*.  I think I can do this in an effective way that won't hurt her.  I was sorry to hear the stories of people's moms/dads trying to help by saying nasty things - I can't do that to her. 

izzylover - good point about college admission - I'll have to work that into a conversation too.  Thanks again everyone.

I would suggest also taking her to a doctor for a check up. The doctor could give you advice about proper nutrition and exercise for a girl that age.  Also, a lot of girls naturally put on wt. at this age due to body changes and hormone adjustments, sometimes children pack pounds on before major growth spurts.  This could all be a natural process of wt. fluctuation in her teen years.  Children's bodies are different than adult bodies, and can't be looked at or held to the same standards.  Yes, it is unfortunate that some children get teased for being chubby, I would concentrate helping her through those feelings if it should happen to her, and remind her that every body is different and beautiful in it's own way. Focus on good nutrition and importance of exercise to promote good health. It is important to teens that they be excepted for who they are.

Two thoughts ... first my sister was chubby from a young age and my parents tried to get her to diet and lose weight (weight watchers/Jenny Craig/etc) ... my sister's response was in her words years later was 'FAT?!? You think I'm FAT?!? Well I'll show you FAT!!!' at which point she gained another 50 lbs.

Second thought ... sometimes leading by example is not enough. You're the parent, you control family activities and your kid's mandatory involvement.  I like the idea of a mother daughter class of some sort. Also, cycling as a family can be fun and there are a lot of vacations that are centered around some activity - cycling, hiking, skiing, etc. You could also ask her to run a 5K race with you and then train together. Being active and training towards something brings nutrition into focus.

Good luck!

You are such a caring mom.  A lot of moms wouldn't even ask if there was a *kind* way to get involved.  As a formerly obese teen girl, I'd say leave it alone.  She has to come to the health realization on her own terms.  But don't fear, she will come to the realization eventually.  Just be there to love and support when she decides to make the changes.    I lost the weight my last year of high school, kept it off *all* through college and lost even more, but not too much, and only put on weight on after college for a brief period of time because of depression.  I never gained the freshman 10.  I even lost some because I could finally control my own diet, and not really on my father's slightly eating disordered (compulsive overeating) decisions.  Now, it's gone again.  For some of us, it's just another lesson to learn while we grow up.   :)

Physical activity helped me lose the weight in high school, so I didn't really diet.  Then, in college, I was able to take dance, aerobics, and swimming classes for credit, and it was really fun.  It was easier in college because I didn't know anyone and didn't feel so self-conscious.  Maybe you could take her to some fun dance classes the next town over. Teenage girls are probably the most viscious, nasty people on earth, and she might be hiding inside because she is embarassed about being seen exercising.  Is there some way that you could make her feel less self-conscious about exercising?  I don't even know if that's her problem, but it was a major problem for me.  She probably wants to do sports and get involved but feels self-conscious.  Perhaps you two could do something fun, for example, the race for the cure walks.

Original Post by apfelkuchen:

 ...I'd say leave it alone.  She has to come to the health realization on her own terms.  But don't fear, she will come to the realization eventually...

Good point - I've decided (and accepted) that this is something she's going to have to do for herself.  For now, I'm taking my own (quiet) steps to help her i.e. buying healthy foods and having her join me in more activities - tennis, soccer.  So I hope this might guide her in the right direction and help her come to the "realization" on her own.

p.s. thanks for the nice compliment.

DEFINITELY teach her how to cook if you haven't already! I was a pretty lazy kid and was never very interested in cooking, so my mom didn't teach me much. When I moved out on my own at 19 I ate mostly hot pockets and frozen pizza and stuff like that. Almost all pre-packaged, processed foods. Since I moved in with my boyfriend a year ago I've been teaching myself how to cook more, and it's going really well! I still am not the best at seasoning things, and knowing what flavors go well together... but i'm workin on it. and I looove finding new healthy recipes :] For Mothers day this year I cooked all of the food for brunch, two healthy quiches and a healthy potato salad (no mayo!) with a creamy dip for fruit. Mmm...

Oh and I agree with whoever said you don't always know how much she's snacking on the treats, so that's good that you didn't get more at the store! I've always been a big snacker, and I used to sneak ice cream all the time when I was younger.

I wasn't overweight until part way through highschool.  I never ate healthily, I just had a good metabolism, and did some sports in elementary and middle school. When I got to highschool I even quit taking PE, so I was not getting much exercise at all, and eating fast food and other junk.

You sound like a great mom, and it sounds like you're taking the right steps! I wish my parents had encouraged me to eat healthier and be more active!

I agree to let her decide if her weight is bothering her. You sound like a great mom. She is at that puberty age where hormones are going crazy, and she is probably growing a lot too, and has a full schedule in school. That age is a difficult age, without worrying about weight. If she is otherwise healthy than it does not matter too much right? Media and peer pressure provide enough image pressure for young girls. What matters is their health and happiness.

Continuing to lead by example sounds great. 

Also finding activities to do together - hiking on the weekends, a yoga class, a dance class, or even a walk or bike ride in the evenings together, something that she enjoys. Those things also make for positive memories most of the time.

It is hard for kids to get exercise these days. They are not outside as much, in the woods, in the dirt, in rollerskates, playing tag, like in the good old days. (At least that is how I was - quite the tom-boy!). 

This also reminds me of my 'bacon after school' phase. When I was around 13, and a latch-key kid, for a few months I would totally eat like 8 strips of bacon, microwaved and crispy, after school, almost every day. It was such a strange craving but I think I was going through some kind of major growth spurt - and my body just craved the fat and protein, I have no idea. It all evened out in the end - I somehow was a petite girl growing up. 

So, you should continue to lead by example. I am sure that she will ask for advice if she wants it.

Ahh, and I don't even have kids.... This is all probably easier said than done!