Mind my own business or meddle?

I have a chubby, 14-yr old daughter. She's 5'-2", ~150lbs and healthy.  She likes to eat and isn't very active.  I encourage her to go for walks or bike rides (with or without me) to no avail.  As for "leading-by-example" - I run and my husband's a cyclist.

Most meals are home-cooked and low-fat.  I keep some treats in the house because I believe in "everything in moderation". I encourage healthy eating and portion control (without actually saying anything about weight).

My daughter's very self-conscious - she chooses loose clothes and adjusts her tops to cover herself.  I feel sad for her.  Being a teen is hard enough without being chubby. I was about her age when I started dieting and exercising but she hasn't shown any signs of caring yet.

What should I do?  Wait and hope she decides to do something on her own? Tactfully (if that's possible) approach the subject? Leave the whole thing alone?

I hope I don't sound like an awful mother. I just know she'd feel much better physically AND mentally if she was a bit slimmer. Your advice is appreciated.

Okay. I wouldn't make this about her so much as a healthy lifestyle for the family.

I'd start by planning weekend activities for the family. I'd plan every weekend with a couple activities that involve physical exertion. You have lots of options: Swimming, cycling, trekking, hill climbing, ball games, etc. These would benefit whole family and would refresh you too. ( Or: Just you two as a mother daughter thing. ) Get her moving/active. It's important to incorporate regular exercise into her routine lifestyle. It's also wonderful family bonding time!

Then I'd start planning the diet so everyone is eating healthier. Encourage the whole family to eat healthy. A lot of children/adults nowadays would prefer a trip to a fast food joint than eating vegetables or fruits. Try to be creative in preparing vegetables as part of the family meal. Reduce portion sizes. Experiment on vegetable recipes and encourage your teenager to help you with the preparation. Whip cream is a great way to make fruits a treat. While doing this, talk about the benefits of vegetables and fruits. I'd stop buying a lot of junk food type treats and just up the fruit/veggie intake with your family. That way there's a limited about of junk food there. But... plenty alternatives.

You may talk about how a certain vegetable can make her skin healthier and avoid common skin problems during puberty. Prepare her lunch when she need to eat in school or away from home. Start having a healthy family picnic at the park every so often. Pack a snack just like you would if your children were toddlers. That way you have something healthy to hand them. It would probably also help tremendously to have  bottled water in the car. That way if they're thirsty they aren't downing soda/sugar drinks. Some people could actually shed a lot of excess pounds by just switching to water. It would be a healthier alternative to encourage flavored waters/regular water/teas to replace the unhealthy-high calorie/sugar drinks with for her. Sometimes the school cafeteria/vending machines/fast food is the real problem. Make sure to send away her to school/etc with a healthy packed lunch. Buy healthier alternatives to the normal junk food treats. This doesn't mean you talk to her about counting calories or losing weight. Remember: She's still growing she may have a growth spurt of 3-4 inches this summer. In which case that extra weight will just balance itself right out. Just make eating healthy and being active a shared family endeavor.

I'd also encourage her to take part in a summer sport. Most kids actually want to be playing something. At least once they're involved in something they like... they do. Lol. Encourage playing and find out which sport they are more interested in. That way she's enjoying something that's good for her. Talk about soccer,track,volley ball,soft ball, Etc.

Sport is a good way to train kids to become team players and leaders. It is also a very effective factor that can help your weight loss plan for teens. It doesn't have to be stated to her it's about weight lose.... Make it about living healthy/enjoying life/making new friends.

Introduce the idea of simple sports  to her in general conversation. That way you can try to find out which interests her. If your teenager is not into sports, you may want to shift to a different activity that would still encourage them to get some form of exercise. For example, a teenager who has interests in books may not want to engage into a ball game. Encourage them to read books on sports and hobbies and encourage getting into few of them. Or: She may like ocean life but not be into swimming. Talk about diving classes. :) She may discover she actually wants to learn/swim for that. Just suggest trying sports. She may like the idea of track, but not feel comfortable joining, etc. In which case you may suggest buying a treadmill. That way she can train/practice at home in privacy till she's comfortable. :) Or: A new basketball goal to practice shooting hoops,etc...Till she's comfortable enough to join a team. Or: Maybe buy a big trampoline for fun/exercise! Or: If she likes animals... You might consider getting her a dog! Sometimes that helps a great deal if you give them the full responsibility and they want/love it. The walks/playing with one would help her activity level soar upward. :)

Educate her about health: There are a lot of books and articles written about weight loss plans for teens. I wouldn't suggest that you threw any at your daughter. I wouldn't teach her to diet/calorie count.  Too many girls have distorted body images. I wouldn't want her to feel that her weight defines her self worth. Teaching the importance of an active/healthy lifestyle is great. I just think it can be done without making it about ' her.' I would encourage you to buy healthy cookbooks, etc. She's old enough for you to make it somewhat about teaching her to cook.  She like to eat so may love to learn to cook with you, etc. Just make the whole experience an educational one.There are books to learn to make fruit/veggie smoothies, etc. That could replace a junk food snack if it's a hit in your home. It's a great healthy summer treat! Show her how each recipe has a suggested serving size. Teach her healthy ways. That may help her without causing her to feel pressure/attacked.I'd try to get references and reading materials that encourages the whole family/her to read/learn about a healthier living.

She must be able to freely discuss apprehensions and concerns. It would be easier to get the message across without offending her/making her uncomfortable. She may bring her own personal concern about her weight up to you... If you aren't attacking her weight but just educating her instead. Let her know that you as a parent will be happy to provide guidance. That if she wants you two can workout together. Ask her if she's heard of weighted hula hoops. Tell her you saw them advertised and thought it looked like a lot of fun. Plus: It's supposed to be so good for you. Lol. Or: Ask her if she'd considered jogging with you? Tell her: I'm not in the best shape so I'm going to start out with stretching/ and power walks. Lol. Or: Suggest: Would you like to do Taebo or yoga with me twice a week?  Make it a fun mother daughter sorta request about fun.

When your children engage themselves in sports and eat healthy, automatically they become slim, strong and healthier,imo. Monitor activities and discuss exercises regularly, weekend activities etc. You can make these more lively by involving  her friends. I would try to help her now because I feel her being over weight puts her at a greater tendency of becoming an obese teenager and obese adult. At this point you can somewhat control the circumstances to help guide her in the right direction. By the way: You sound like a good mother that honestly cares about her daughter. Best of luck!

By the way:  Meddle away! Most of the time after someone gets married/starts college/moves out/ or has a full time job,etc, that is a pretty good indication you should no longer meddle. Lol! There will come a time when her life will be none of our business. Good parents don't sit idly by and let damage occur to a child's self-esteem.  They look out for the best interest of their children both physically and mentally,imo. Good parents do everything within their power/reason to help,mend, and avoid potential problems. It's our place as parents to bring resolve to our children. I say: Help her. The way you go about it is what can be potentially harmful. Don't be mean to her or make it about her weight as if there's something wrong with her.  The decision to put forth effort and make choices to help her isn't negative. It's all in the way you go about the process of educating her,imo. It doesn't have to be a " bad " thing you're doing to her. It can potentially be something you're doing for/with her. Don't be so hard on yourself. The only thing you're guilty of is: Caring about your child physical and mental well being. :)

I think the most important aspect of your OP is your daughter's self-consciousness. I think that's what you can help with. The weight will or will not come off, depending on how she learns to manage it, but her self esteem will be with her for a lifetime.

Anything that she excels at or is interested in? Help her find her joy. And help her understand that she doesn't have to be embarrassed about her body. 150 pounds for a 14 year old at 5' 2" is not permanent, nor is it anything to be ashamed of.

I think that's the lesson. Everything else you are doing for her and your family sounds spot on.

Original Post by kathygator:

...her self esteem will be with her for a lifetime...absolutely - that's why I'm handling this very carefully. 

...Help her find her joy...this is beautiful.  Yes, this is what it's all about, isn't it? I'm doing my best.

 Thanks kathygator. I've admired your "words of wisdom" in many other posts - glad to hear from you.

Thanks. :)

I think the best way to go about it is to promote a healthy body image.  Let her know that no matter what size she is you will love her and accept her JUST AS SHE IS.  However, you still want her to be healthy.  A healthy lifestyle includes exercise and eating well.  Even if she doesn't lose weight and get down to a certain size, you can rejoice in the fact that you have raised a girl who is physically healthy and you have tried your best to give her a positive self image. 

Telling her she is chubby and wouldn't she like to lose weight will only create long term mental issues that she will spend a long time trying to get over...I know from experience.  I am now a size 6 and struggle with my self confidence because when I was a teenager my mother was always telling me how chubby I was and wouldn't I like to be thinner like my older sister.  It hurt.