My mind is playing games with me...what should my weight goal be?

I am 38 with 3 children (ages 6,4, and 2).  I am currently around 103 at 5'4.  I eat approx. 2100 calories per day (don't obsess over it).  I have a long history of anorexia (it's been 20 years) but am at a very good place in my life - great husband, love my kids, good job, don't go around hungry - basically very high functioning (which I wasn't for many years, at my worst I was 65pds.) I've been hovering now between 98 and 103 for a very long time (pregnancies were the only exception and I lost the pregnancy weight before leaving the hospital each time).  I am small to med. framed.  Years ago, back in HS prior to the ED I was probably around 115 -that was eating anything I wanted (not caring at all about nutrition).  What is a realistic weight goal for me now?  What's a realistic calorie goal to get to that weight, if my weight should be higher?  Part of me thinks it's fine where it's at, part of me doesn't like how fragile I look (boney arms and legs) and knows people still comment on my size (being too small, got asked last week if there's something wrong with me).  Thanks for any advice you can provide.

A realistic target is a BMI of 20-25.... 20 would be 117lbs or 8st 5lbs... which is where you started by the look of things.   Your current BMI is under 18 which is why you look fragile and, as you get older, that's going to be more of an issue e.g. osteoporosis. To gain a pound or two each month you'd have to increase your daily intake by about 500 calories a day.   Hope that helps.

As Jane said a good target for you would be 117lbs, minimum. To reach that, you'd want to eat about 2500 calories a day. This is very much manageable.

Try:

1. High calorie, low density foods. These are foods that are as the name says - high in calories but low in bulk. These are not only vital in the sense that they can still easily be broken down by a stomach trying to mend itself but also because they add calories without adding bulk. Examples of these would be whole fat dairy, nuts and nut butters, avocado, oils like olive oil and canola (rapeseed) oil as two examples, oily fish, dried fruit and dense fruit like bananas as just a handful of examples. There are two threads stickied at the top of this forum: Support Recipes and The Official High-Cal Food List. The first of these is a list of example recipes that are tasty, high calorie and helpful in gaining. The second is a more general list of foods that will also help in gaining.
   
2. Eat your meals spaced out over the day - aim for about five to six total. Breakfast, a mid-morning snack, lunch, an afternoon snack, and dinner, or switching one of those snacks for an evening snack would be an example. This is both to make it easier on your stomach and to help rev your metabolism. Do not skip them. If it is easier for you, devise a meal plan routine by yourself or with a nutritionist and stick with it.
   
3. This is an important one: do not weigh or measure yourself for two weeks when beginning refeeding. Why? Because our body will hold to a large amount of water initially. This water shows up on the scale, but is not a true indication of weight gain and will flush out after two weeks.
   
4. If you eat a steady 2500, and then find you are maintaining or even losing weight, you will need to increase. Do not think about this just yet - just get to 2500 first.

Do not worry about nutrition at this point. You will probably have a higher intake of everything compared to others - and really, comparing yourself to anyone else at all isn't the way to go. The only thing I personally think is worth watching in gaining is salt and trans fat, and if you are missing your period at all make sure you get plenty of healthy fats from oils, nuts, seeds and nut butters, avocados, oily fish, and so on. But, any other nutrients and food groups? Don't worry about it. Aim for carbs, proteins, fruit or veg, healthy fats and dairy in all your meals over the day and take a full multivitamin as a buffer, and you'll be fine.

If you must exercise, weight lift to build muscle and do light, resistance exercise like yoga. Cardiovascular exercising is completely counter-productive during weight gain unless you are willing to eat back everything you burn. If your doctor, nutritionist or another professional tells you not to exercise at all, not even weights or yoga/pilates, then listen to them.

I wish you luck in gaining and if you have any more questions let me know.

- Ellie. :]

Thanks so much.  Now here's where my brain starts playing games....some bmi calculators say below 18.5 is underweight while others say 20.  That alters what my weight goal should be a bit - so of course I go for the one that puts me in the range at a lower weight.   

I want more than anything to not care at all about numbers and just let my body be where it wants to be but I feel as though I lost any sense of intuitive eating years ago.  I'm not convinced I can ever get that back completely.  Although I don't obsess over foods, I still feel very constrained by what my mind says is okay and not okay to eat (I think what's happened is that since it's been so many years, I just know, without obsessing, what keeps my weight in check - can anyone relate?). 

Anyhoo, I really want to proceed with recovery, I just want to make sure my goals are reasonable.  Thanks so much!

Considering your anorexia history aim for a BMI of 20. This is (a) to disencourage relapse and (b) to act as a buffer in case you lose any weight when beginning maintainance. As for feeling confined by foods: tackle your fear foods. It'll shut your voice up no end.

i would aim for a range of 115-120 lbs. your weight will fluctuate, so it's better to chose a range to prevent obsessions over one number.

like lalabanana said, with anorexia, its better to aim a tad higher than you feel comfortable with. also keep in mind that once your brain is better noursihed, you WILL care less about numbers. the more weight you gain, the less power the disorder has!

you will look smokin hot at a range of 115-120 lbs! work with some supportive loved ones to ensure you achieve this HEALTHY goal :) best of luck!

You guys are great.  I am committing myself to doing 2500 everyday, no excuses for 2 weeks and see where things go weight wise.  I am very active but I don't exercise - with 3 kids to chase and working everyday I certainly stay up and about so I'm thinking that should be enough given that I'm older.  I do a some sit ups each night just to make me feel a little bit toned but it is nothing I'm obsessing over.  Again, I thank you for your advice, I am not working with a nutritionist this time around so I needed someplace where I could process this.