miserable :((

so i don't know where to post this, but i chose health and support because im looking for some support right now.

i broke up with my boyfriend a couple of months ago, because i was feeling kind of smothered and needed a break from being in a serious relationship. well now we've been talking about getting back together, and he says that he loves me and he'll wait for me and that he is not attracted to any other girl.

i have not doubted him at all, he was the perfect devoted, loving boyfriend in the year and a half we were together. He even gave me his email passwords to prove to me that he wasn't hiding anything and that I could trust him.

well, i was curious, and apparently he never changed those passwords after we broke up. he must've forgotten he even told me. i figured that if i was considering getting back together with him, i should see if he really was true to his word about being completely loyal to me. i know this wasn't a moral thing for me to do... but i am a terribly curious person..

and i found out that he had been chatting and flirting with girls online ALL THE WHILE he'd been telling me that he loved me and wanted to get back together. And what's worse, is that from the times on the emails/chats, there were some nights that he was chatting with me AT THE SAME TIME as he was with these 3 other girls.

i know we're not technically dating right now, but i feel that if he was serious about getting back together, about telling me that i am "the one", he should walk the walk. i am just feeling so decieved, and i was really seriously considering dating him again, now that i've sorted out some other personal problems i was having.

and now i feel like i never even knew him at all..

:((

But if all he did was internet-flirt, I don't see it as a big deal seeing as you two aren't even together.

The big deal is that he isn't being true to his word. He was lying to me the whole time he said he wanted to get back together. I can handle things like rejection or insults, but the thing I hate most is dishonesty. I cannot be with a guy that I feel like I can't trust. I can't be with a guy that I will always doubt whether he's telling me the whole truth. And it makes me sad, because I was ready to try again with him, but now I can't, knowing that he lied to me.

Yes, I know that it was only internet-flirting, but as far as I'm concerned, he might as well have had a full-blown fling with all three of the girls... it's not the level of deception that matters, it's the fact that he was being dishonest in the first place that upsets me.

I don't really see, from what you have written, how you think he is dishonest.  He said he loves you, you beleive him, then you find he was "flirting" with girls online.  People flirt (haven't you seen some of these posts?).  It is a way of light communication.  Unless he was having "Chat sex" or something, I don't see it as a betrayal.  Would you feel better if he was looking at porn?  Perhaps there is more to the story?  What do you mean when you say "flirting"?

lol. yes, I know people flirt.. but I feel like he went too far when he was talking to me on the phone telling me he loves me while at the same EXACT time flirting with other girls online. That worries me when I consider dating him again.

And it wasn't just a "you're pretty" kind of flirt, which is fine... it was more of a "do you have a boyfriend? maybe we could go to the movies" kind of flirting. He was actively looking for someone else at the same time he was telling me im "the one".

Am I really overreacting and being unreasonable?

I dont think you are being unreasonable and I can understand why this bothers you, it would probably worry me a little bit too if i was in your position, but you should really take it out of the equation when considering getting back together. Before you saw these emails did you want him back? ...

You dont know that he has actually done anything. The internet to some, is not real life, and flirting on the net can be quite innocent... plus you broke up with him, you werent together. And i can imagine its quite hard(maybe embarrassing) to say 'oh by the way ive been flirting with girls online!!!) If you feel like you couldnt trust him again dont get back with him, but if you do you HAVE to tell him about what you saw, leaving things like that unsaid can ruin a relationship! I hope this helps.. ! And you dont think im being harsh... :-)

I'd cool the relationship without mentioning your invasion of his privacy.  You did learn something about his true character and now you doubt you want to be with him.  End it quietly. 

Well - you are not together so he has every right to flirt.  Unlike alot of others, I don't believe in flirting if you are "committed".  This is what leads to cheating. 

But - you are not back together.  I guess I would ask if he would carry on this way if you were together or if he was like this while you were together in the past. 

i agree with claire.

flirting is flirting, i dont care where you do it. just because everyone does it doesnt make it right. especially simultaneously when saying he loves you. seriously?

i knew a guy that was addicted to online flirting/ sex chat, having a real person in his life never seemed to affect his online addiction. anyways...the fact that you found out via snooping isnt something id bring up.

i think your instincts were correct when you broke up with him the first time. dont second-guess yourself.

Ummmm.....you broke up with him.

Deal with it.

If you decide you want to get back together and do so, then you can be upset if he flirts with other women.

Meanwhile, it's your problem, not his.

Original Post by salmander23:

lol. yes, I know people flirt.. but I feel like he went too far when he was talking to me on the phone telling me he loves me while at the same EXACT time flirting with other girls online. That worries me when I consider dating him again.

And it wasn't just a "you're pretty" kind of flirt, which is fine... it was more of a "do you have a boyfriend? maybe we could go to the movies" kind of flirting. He was actively looking for someone else at the same time he was telling me im "the one".

Am I really overreacting and being unreasonable?

 OK, yeah I can understand how you would be upset over this.  That sounds more like hitting on than flirting to me.  My idea of flirting is rather tame, I suppose, and nothing more than a pleasant exchange between people.

You have some choices to make.  You can talk to him about it, see what he says, but to be honest, but I doubt anything he says could make you trust him at this point.  You don't want to be with someone you don't trust - even if you did invade his privacy to find this out.

I suggest you move on, and chalk this one up to experience.

youre not overreacting.

id be super upset and feel betrayed. yes he doesnt have the committment to you but he is telling you right then and there that he loves you and hes going to wait for you and blablabla but at the same time saying to other girls "lets go out".

i think that he probably wants to be with you and only you but if you dont take him back he wants to keep his options open. its sad that he couldnt just wait till you made a final decision to go out and hit on other girls.

im sorry boys are so dumb :(

Original Post by bobs9895:

Ummmm.....you broke up with him.

Deal with it.

If you decide you want to get back together and do so, then you can be upset if he flirts with other women.

Meanwhile, it's your problem, not his.

 Exactly - this is what I was getting ready to write

You broke up with him so he's trying to find somebody else.  If you take him back, which he seems to want, he'll no longer need to find someone else.  Personally, I think he's better off without you.

You broke up with him, are keeping him hanging about getting back together and have been snooping through his e-mail and he's the bad guy?

I understand how you would be hurt when you found out about his behavior with other girls, but I gotta agree with the people who are telling you to let it go. 

To you, he wouldn't be trying to date to other girls if he truly loved you and wanted to get back together with you, am I right?  However, that's your view of things.  It sounds like you want him to be alone and celibate, panting over you and pining for you while you make up your mind whether or not you want to be with him (that sounds harsh, but I truly don't mean it that way).  I honestly don't think it's reasonable to expect that of someone.  You have to accept the fact that even though he very well may love you, he's not going to twiddle his thumbs waiting for you, despite saying he would.  Real life just isn't like that.

If you decide you can't be with him after this, that's your call.  But from your original post, it doesn't sound like he meant to hurt you.  Just my opinion.

It's really interesting to see you guys's posts... how people's perception of right and wrong behavior in this situation varies greatly. It has opened my eyes and helped me to see things from a different perspective.

taylor, i was not expecting him to be alone and celibate waiting for me ... when we broke up, i was perfectly fine with him dating other people. that wasn't the issue. the problem i'm having now is that we had a very long discussion about getting back together, and apparently while we were having that discussion, he was hitting on other girls at the very same time. im just sad... it makes me feel like he wasn't being serious during our talk on the phone.

and to those who said that im a bad person and that he's better off without me because i was snooping in his email... i completely understand where that's coming from, but i wish you could try to get your point of view across in a way that's not snarky and insulting.

Original Post by salmander23:

 the problem i'm having now is that we had a very long discussion about getting back together, and apparently while we were having that discussion, he was hitting on other girls at the very same time. im just sad... it makes me feel like he wasn't being serious during our talk on the phone.

 Ooops.  When you said "at the same time" in the OP, I mis-read that as during the same but longer time period (i.e. during the evening of June 16th, you had a discussion about getting back together but he was talking to another girl that night too... if that makes sense as an example).  I didn't realize he was talking to two women at once.

I didn't know guys could multi-task like that! (kidding )

Seriously though, I'll say the same thing I said earlier in a different thread.  If you feel like you'll just need time to get over this, then give yourself time.  If you don't feel you can ever get past this, move on now.  It's not worth it.

Similar to what bob said. You chose liberty and practicalism over love. Then and now he probably feels lost seeing as he was sure with you and then that was taken away from him. As much as he wants to be with you though, there comes a time in which he cannot depend soley on you since it seems you dont want that to be the case. So yes. He does love you and yes I believe he would be faithful to you, (note: I am saying this based on the little you have said about him and adding in a bit of myself in this) but in the meantime he feels alone. So come you to say, "no", then I feel he needs a rebound in order not to fall back into oblivion as he probably did when you just left him. If you said "yes", then he would probably even delete all his other "flirty" contacts if you so desired him to. Though.. not to seem somewhat one sided (though I am) :p, but at this point it would seem like he was the one to have been stabbed initially. So unless you really love him, dont go back to him or else you will hurt him even more. If you do love him though, I think not only should you go back to him, but you should try to suffocate him with your love and always be at his disposition in order to mend the hurts of the past and allow for that seed of doubt to be put to rest.

I am going to have to side with the guys here.  During that conversation he had no assurance that you were going to resume the relationship.  There was no reason that he shouldn't still be looking.  It sounds to me like he would prefer to be with you, but if he can't, he will look for someone else.  That is the practical, grown-up up approach to relationships.  "I will never love another" only works in romance novels.

I wonder why you were checking on his accounts anyway.  Were you looking for a reason not to get back with him?  Are you considering resuming the relationship because you feel guilty about breaking it off and this is a good out?  Think really hard about what YOU want here.  As others have pointed out, this is going to be a really bad relationship for him if you really aren't that into him and are keeping him hanging for other reasons.

I'm more concerned with the fact that you were looking at his e-mail accounts after you'd broken up than the fact he was behaving as any other guy whose girlfriend dumped him (which is a period of mourning, and then moving on), especially after a couple months.  Even if you were talking to him at the same time he was talking to these other girls, I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't completely assured of your seriousness in getting back together and wasn't quite ready to drop everything for you until he was sure.  You're not the only one that needs to be reassured, especially since you're the one who did the dumping.  I don't quite see why you feel he needs to "prove" to you that he's faithful when a) you weren't together when it happened, b) he hadn't done anything to make you question his fidelity while you actually were together, and c) YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DUMPED HIM.  If he was as perfect a boyfriend as you say, maybe he's better off without someone so flighty and nosy.  Just saying.