my mom has an eating disorder. (advice?)

I'm almost certain my mom has ED-NOS. She doesn't let herself eat more than 1000 calories, then she binge eats, thus maintaining a normal weight (in a very unhealthy way.) Sometimes she fasts, drinking only coffee and lemon water. It seems like after everything she eats, she says, "Ugh, I shouldn't have eaten that ____." Even if it was only a couple hundred calories. She is 5"4 and 120 pounds, and calls herself fat.

This is hard for me. I'm trying to be good to my body, but when she eats less than me, then complains of eating like a pig, I feel terrible. I've asked her to get help for her ED, but she denies its existence. 

I think her disordered eating habits are starting to rub off on me, as well. I'm beginning to feel guilty and regretful after eating. I'm not overweight anymore (underweight, technically, but I'm a teen, so the calculator isn't quite right.) I don't like associating food with shame. Please, any advice you can give me would be wonderful. I'm really struggling here. 

omg im so sorry. this sounds dreadful! i can sorta kinda relate to you. my mom was bulemic just after she had me, and it continued until i was about 8 or 9. she lost a baby because of her poor health, and thats what finally made her stop.

i can't really offer any advice. im really sorry, mostly for you because of what a horrible influence she is on you. but at the same time, im sorry for her that she has such a distorted view of herself.

i hope she doesnt reach a dangerous point thats irreversible. what she's doing is no doubt going to lead her to a hospitalization. im so sorry. this isn't fair for you.

i wish you the best of luck. i cant imagine how hard it must be for you!

I can sort of relate to you too. My mom is not fat, in fact everybody calls her very skinny. She barely eats anything, saying she doesn't need to because she's getting old and her stomach is shrinking [she's 52]. She complains about being fat the whole time, then tells me i'm not fat, but would never call me skinny. Last summer i ballooned to about 58kg [I'm 5'5"], and my mom yelled at me for being fat, and since then i've had a lot of issues with eating, and have dropped to my lowest of 50kg, and have been back up to 56, at the moment i go from about 51 to 54 up and down up and down because of the way i eat [or don't eat]... and my mom tells me off for not eating right. Its actually affected me more than it has her, but i'm sure she has some issues with eating which have rubbed off on me.

it's not until i had my ed that i realized that i think my mom does too.
i would think back to the times when she would chew and spit food that she said "weren't good for her". and her obsession with nutrition.
watching her eat now is weird. i think to myself, i never notice how slow my mom eats, how small her bites are, that she take a sip or two of water between EVERY bite. she talks a lot too while eating. she'll talk of slowing herself down so she know when she is full. but she doesn't eat that much.

i don't think her eating disorder is that extreme. but it's kind a like, "hmm. when i first started losing weight i talked to my mom about it and she had a lot to say. but i didn't realize that it was because she was weird about food too." (when i first started losing weight i was about 135 at 5'4". so it wasn't a horrible thing.)

anyway. i don't know what to tell you. it's hard.
i guess when you see more food on your plate than your mom's think "i'm going to eating healthier than her." instead of "i'm eating more than her."that's what i try to do.

yes yes! my mom also does the talking loads whilst eating thing. and she always told me that i had to chew my food at least 30 times before i swallowed, or at least until it turned to soup in my mouth.

its sounds vaguely like my father he eats nothing for the first 3/4 of the day then binge eats cereal, pancakes and chocolate. and then has dinner and says the dinner balances out the junk food, he's obese and his excessive coffee consumption has become worrying as well,

I come from a family like this as well, my mom, uncle, aunt, thier wives and husbands, girl cousin, boy cousin have eating disorders,  some of them have been hospitilized, others keep it a secret and still a few of them are triathaltes to help have control as well, my father who lives alone now eats so so awful.  it is really difficult to take,  i came home for christmas and i am under weight everyone was worried and i am looking at them like.... could i have really snuck away from this terrible cycle, but i have Disordered eating as well,  god its really so messed up.  i am more scared for my younger cousins because atleast the rest of us know our eating habits are disturbed. i dont want them having the same problems.

all i can say is: don't let it get to you!!! remember this: it's easier to cherish what you have than to fight something to get it back - and this goes for anything in life. so keep focused and don't develop an ED. I'm responsable for my mom's eating dis. I brought bulimia to my family and she discovered it and made it her saviour althoug i see it more like her executor :((. I managed to recover from that she didin't... this game is tricky you never know if u have enough recouces(motivation, strengh) to defeat your opponent, it's better not to play it at all. As for your mom... try to make her see how worried you are for her, cry even if it helps, pull your hare out in front of her and tell her you don't have any plans in the near future that include going to her funeral. tell her that it is killing you inside to see that she's harming herself (one of m friends did that and it really helped me). tell her you'd do anything to help her get over this, tell her you're by her side and tell her she's the most important thing in your life and that last you'd want to see something happening to right before your eyes... and if this doesn't work tell her that it's either she becomes healthy or you become sick cause the two of you are in this together (course it would be only a threat, as you WILL NEVER GET AN ED - and i consider this you promissing me, yourself and the others that you won't)

good luck 

I can relate. While I cannot say for sure that it is disordered, my mother says she's "so full" even hours after eating a salad. As a teen, I'm sure in some ways her attitudes towards food may have influenced my own disordered eating. I know she often feels like she is eating "too much" after having 1200 calories for a day, and she is supposed to be maintaining. Her weight is quite low for her height (BMI of 19).

The best thing I can suggest is that you show her how important it can be for her body to have proper nutrition. Sometimes doing something together like yoga or weight lifting can reinforce the notion that our bodies don't have to be our enemies and that food is fuel. Other than that, it's hard to tell your mother she has a problem until she finally sees it for herself. Support her the best you can, but do not support her in her ED-NOS activity. If she starts to talk about weight or say negative things about eating, calmly change the subject or tell her that you do not want to have issues with food taking up so much of your time together (not in a way to ignore the problem, but so that she doesn't get positive reinforcement). Try to tell her positive things about food.

Original Post by wildeyedjokersx:

yes yes! my mom also does the talking loads whilst eating thing. and she always told me that i had to chew my food at least 30 times before i swallowed, or at least until it turned to soup in my mouth.

 Mine too. Is this a generational thing, like it used to be proper to eat more slowly or something? Or an eating disordered trait... so hard to say.

the only real adivce i guess i could give you is be there for her

im going through a similiar situation but my mother and i both have eds yet she hasnt figured out i have one yet even though ive somehow jumped from 160lbs to 94lbs in 9 months after having a baby. I somehow have a feeling this will start someone on a rant how im a terrible parent for having a ed gah

 but yea be there for her =]

Not ranting about your parenting ability, but it infuriates me that this disease/disordered thinking is now generational....heartbreaking is another word that comes to mind.

Women have historically always been concerned with their weight, haven't they? Now we call it ED-NOS. My mom is similar in that she's always bitching about her weight, and when she decides to go on a diet, she cuts way back on everything, not just the junk food. I think most people don't know much nutrition in general. Why is it that people who are obese are not labelled as having an ED?

I know the way my mom thinks about food has influenced my eating habits, and I've passed some crap on to my kids too. Best thing you can do is think for yourself and maybe help your mom by setting a good example. People often say the stupidest things about what they've eaten, much of it just being habit rather than them really meaning it.

With my mom, someone in the family is either too fat, or too thin, never just right! I lose weight and she says, "don't get to thin!" Geez!

Good point :)

I feel for you.

My mom was always weird with food. She would always tell us what was healthy and what wasn't, but she wouldn't deny us food...but the fact that she would tell us what was and wasn't healthy got to me.

She also took a lot of pictures of her body and said things like, "Why can't I just be skinny like all those other women?" or "why is it so hard for me to just keep a  size 14?" And when she bought new clothes, she always told us in that fake proud way, "I'm proud to be a size 14. That's a realistic size for a woman."

Anyways, she was always obsessed with nutrition and exercise...and only recently did I find out that when she was 17, she was hospitalized for annorexia.

Runs in the family, I guess. :(