My mom and my ED.

Hi all!

A little bit of a backstory: I've been struggling with an Eating Disorder for the past two years. I was diagnosed with Anorexia in September '06, and it was really hard on my mom. She was extremely worried about me [maybe overly so - she struggles with anxiety]. I'm the eldest of her children, and we've always been close, so she turned to me with her worries about my ED. I was constantly reassuring her that I was fine, because that's what she needed to hear. It took quite a lot out of me having to deal with my mom's anxiety on top of my Anorexia.

About six months after my diagnosis, I started bingeing and purging and put on weight. This really helped to calm my moms worries, since she saw me returning to a healthy weight. She didn`t know about the Bulimia [which was diagnosed this past year] and still doesn't.

I was put in the hospital in December, and remained there until this past February, and through it all, the Bulimia still remained a secret. I cannot deal with her worry over this. The problem is that I'm finally starting to overcome my bingeing and purging [which is great!], but I'm also losing weight. I only know two ways of being - restricting, or bingeing/purging. Since I've cut out the b/p-ing, my weight has decreased, since it was the bingeing that kept me at a healthy weight. My mom has once again started to worry over my weight, and it's a huge trigger for me [to binge/purge].

I don't know what to do. I've made huge strides in an area of my life that was completely destroying me, but now I have to reassure my mom constantly. I'm starting to become extremely frustrated.

Please, I desperatly need guidance! I have no idea how to handle this.

 Edited to add: I suppose I should mention that I don't want to tell my mom about the Bulimia. I'm in an ED clinic, and I'm honest with my team, but I just don't want to worry my mom further and have it out in the open.

 

 

I know you don't want to tell her, but if she sees that you are going to a clinic and that you are working to overcome these disorders then maybe she will understand. She is a mom! I know that I had to be open with my anorexia and my mom. She worries everyday and she is always calling to check on me and what I have eaten for the day...I am not sure what relationship you have with your mom, but I am sure that telling her would be better then hiding it. Plus, you don't want to do anything that trigger ed!

Your mother already knows you have a problem and she is clearly already worried.  I can't imagine that bulimia would be any more or less stressful for her to cope with than anorexia.  Do talk to her. 

That sounds exactly like my mother....
WHen my bulimia was at its worst...she worried sooo much! Like she would cry when I came to her room, or just sit and stare into blank space...but then she got bitter towards me, and said i was doing it TO HER....

Then, of course, the guilt i felt from causing her pain made my symptoms much worse.
I would consider myself recovered now, with the occasional relapse, but my mom still worries, and brings up my "past" constantly....whenever i choose a low fat salad dressing, or ask for no mayo....its hard sometimes, but I know its hard on her too.
BUt she, naturally 5'8" like me, but naturally 115 instead of 135.....will never understand eating disorders.

Is there any way that you and your mom could maybe go to family therapy or something together (when the time is right for you, of course) ?   It sounds like you both might benefit from having a "neutral" third party to hear both sides of the story and then help your mom to understand what you need from her (support and encouragement rather than stress and anxiety,) and what your mom needs from you (assurance that you are working on being healthy.)   It sounds to me like your mom really is concerned about you, which any good mom would be.  But she needs to understand how to channel those feelings into something positive, and a therapist might be able to help her understand that.

No matter what, that's great that you are getting the help you need.  Stay strong. :)

Thanks everyone for your replies. =]

I've actually done a lot of family therapy with the ED clinic I'm in. I've been with the clinic for 1.5 years, and have done lots and lots of family therapy. However, I have yet to bring up the bingeing/purging with my parents.

I would love, love, love for my mom to be able to take charge. She's just not that way, you know? I think that maybe therapy would be helpful. Maybe I could ask my case manager to bring up her anxiety over my ED, and help me say that I don't find it helpful when I'm constantly reassuring her.

I don't think I'm quite ready to tell her about the Bulimia yet, but that doesn't mean we can't tackle some of the issues that's preventing me from being honest.

 

I used to work in an adolescent psychiatric unit and we had several kids with eating disorders during my stint there.  One thing I noticed was that they ALL had nervous parents.  And I don't mean normally concerned or worried parents, I mean OVERLY worried to the point of often detracting attention from their kids to themselves and how their kid's problems affected them.  I always thought there was a critical link between overly anxious parents and eating disorders in their children.  Most research says that eating disorders are a child/teen's attempt to have some degree of control in a life where they otherwise have very little.  How much control CAN you have when you've got a mother or a father who is hovering over you all the time?!  Anxious parents raise anxious children and anxious children become stressed out adults with issues.  Good luck breaking the cycle!  You're on the right track!