Mommy Dearest!

Today is more of an exstension of yesterday evening.  I woke up this morning to yet another discouraging and vile email from my mother who has been more like my enemy forall of my adult life.  I have so much hatred in me right now, and it's turning to severe depression.  I just cna't seem to let it go!  My fiance is easy to say, "Just F her!"  But I can't for some reason I feel sorry for her, and her emotional and verbal abuse can be addictive to me, because I feel as though maybe, just maybe, I can someday prove her wrong, and make her proud.  I know many of you out there might have difficult relationships with your family, but I feel most of my life has been this way, and my depression and eating habits are always effected by them. 

I wanted to wake up this morning and feel like running a good 6 miles.  It's been raining for the past two days and I just want to get outdoors and run!  I have an elliptical, but looking out the window while running at the gloomy weather is counterproductive in ellieviating my sadness.  I dont know what to do.  It's been 4 days since I've ran, and I just feel yucky, I feel like baking cookies and brownies, and ordering a pizza!  my diet hasn't been the most healthy either the past few days too.  I've had cereal for meals, I've been snacking more on chocolate chips, and fruit loops, and take bits of my childrens food and snacks, and then for dinner not really getting in what i need as far as vegatables. 

How can I just get it up!?!?!  How can I pump myself up to get er' done!  I was thinking of taking a thermogenic to get some energy going, but if my mood is stronger than the pill, then i still wont feel up to working out, even with the energy.  ugh!  I don't get it!  What's wrong with me?  I know stress is utterly impossible to completely shake sometimes, but what are good ways of dealing with it in order to accomplish your goals.  Ways to at least get my daily routine back on schedule.

Go for the run.  You don't really care if it's raining, do you?  Go run your six miles, I guarantee you'll feel better when you're done.  Get it all out.

Well, if I were running alone I wouldn't mind the rain.  But when running outdoors, I have to take my twins with me and the puppy.  So I end up working harder obviously because pushing a double jogging stroller uphill and having it drag you down hill is tough, plus my pup can't last more than a mile without wanting me to put her in the basket.  I have a canopy on the jogger, but I don't think it will keep my children dry and I don't want to sucept them to getting sick.  So now what else?

Ah.  You're a good mom.

What I'd do then, is put the twins down for a nap, get your favorite cd, and listen to it while cranking out some time on your elliptical.  Don't want to use the elliptical?  Put the music on and just dance.  Then, if you still want to, make your cookies, or have pizza for dinner.  Just resolve to not do it again for a week, or two weeks, or whatever.

I know aaalllll  about problems with Mother Dear.  It sucks, but you will de-stress a little with some physical activity.  Hope you feel better.

hey!  how did you know I had an elliptical too!?!?!  Funny!  But, yeah, even though running burns way more calories, it's been a while since I pounded it out on the elliptical.  I will give it a shot around naptime, and maybe I can find some new music to put a playlist together before then.

thanks!

Happy to help ;) 

Hope you're feeling better!

Another thing that helps is downloading new music to workout too!  It sounds silly, but it's actually fun to have a new playlist!!!

You know, I did mention that, and yesterday I wanted to find stuff, but didn't even feel ike searching around for some.  I really like indie music, and house, and rock, but it's been hard trying to find stuff that isn't so pop music like.  I'm thinking I'll try to stick it out with some older stuff I've downloaded which is technically new.  Like Vampire Weekend, the new Cold PLay, but whatelse is there?  I'm stuck....sort of...I've been finding myself listening to even more depressing music like deftones, and A perfect Circle, and although it keeps me in the mood it matches it so well, ugh......

P.S.  I ended up baking the cookies by the way. Peanut butter...yummmy....I had four last night and two this morning!  EEEK!  Now I definitely need to work out.

The best revenge is living well.

Go google narcissistic personality disorder or NPD. When I finally was made aware of my Mom's condition after many many years of torment, it gave me such a huge relief. Sounds like your Mom has some of the same issues. If she does indeed have a mental illness (scary but true phrase), then you can associate her behavior to a disease, and the personal attacks will be less powerful. then you need to put some boundaries in.  Change your phone number and don't worry about the guilt. Don't engage with her. Get on with your life. Then you'll want to exercise and eat well.

Good luck

yeah, the ironic thing about that sheblardin, is my mother has her master's in mental health counseling!  Weird huh?!?!  We have mental illnes sin our family history, and my grandmothers is more obvious than my own, but my mother has always denied hers, and i can tell she has her issues, but don't know what infact it is, i'm no psych so i can't diagnose her, but after years of her tormenting me wit her degree, and analyzing me to bits and pieces, i just can't seem, to write her off so easily.  There are a whole list of things that she has done that even anybody, would be appauled by and wonder why I still communicate to her, but i just guess one day she'll change.  Today I got yet another email, and of course i had to read at least the first two lines, then discarded it.  I just don't get it.  IT hurts me so bad, and she knows it, and continues to beat me down. She actuallyputs me down for being a heterosexual!  She makes it seem as though her homosexuality is so much purer and the fact that I have had abusive or unsettling relationships with men, and a couple bad marriages, that i'm a whore!  She's called me that.  I mean we've all had bad relationships, but what makes me  a whore!?!?!  Because I feel as though, there is indeed a love out there for me, that i haven't given up in finding love?  Which I believe I've finally found him.  But it's been displayed all my life with my mothers unlucky relationships too...many, many, women have crossed our threshold when i was growing up, she claimed love, and everytime it would fail, i lost count, but yet, i'm the whore because I choose to be with men.  hmmm. Okay.  Anyhooo, my therapist is going to get an earful tomorrow, and hopefully help me get some of the weight off my chest, thank you all for your responses.  I downloaded some good beats a little bit ago, so I will try to get a good workout in, I'm shooting for 8 miles, but only because I feel i need to make up for missing so many days.  We'll see, if Artic Monkey's, Postal Service, and Korn, can get me going and out of the slums!

Aaah, the mental health professional. Well mine has a psych degree and taught mentally handicapped children for years, and claims to be a mental heealth expert.  She has had a few manic episodes, which she blames on either her meds or me.  You've got to get out for a while.  That's the only way you can get some sanity and focus on the things that you need for yourself. It's okay to do that. You will never be able to please her. YOur title of this post was Mommy Dearest. Well Joan Crawford, the original Mommy Dearest had Borderline Personality disorder.

Don't get me wrong. I loved and supported my mother for years. I actually moved from Connecticut to California for College to get away from the insanity. Then I helped buy her a condo out there to have her close to me.  Well she would constantly reference it as a shack.  It gets worse much worse. It got to the point where she was leaving hours of nasty voice message, similar to your Mom. I actually got a restraining order, which she actually showed up to court thinking that was a forum for her being the biggest victim ever. 

It was so hard to let it go, but it was the best decision I ever made it my life. It makes me sad at times, but the anger is tamed.

Good luck with your situation.  Try life without Mom for a month. Don't answer the phone, don't listen to messages. Tell her that you need a break and don't engage with her for a month. Then go listen to music, get your workouts in and focus on yourself. Compare it to the last month and go from there. 

Thanks for the advice blardin, I actually feel it will need to go that far, I tried to graduate high school as early as possible and get emancipated to leave her house!  It came back to bite me though, because I figured I was grown and should be more of an adult, instead of finishing college I started a family. 

I tried ignoring her for almost a couple months!  And you know what she said, her and my grandmother!?!? They said that they will call DFCS and say that i'm unfit and have to take meds and that I beat my children and my fiance molest them, to get them taken away from me, since I won't let them have a relationship with my mother or grandmother.  Of course these are lies of their accusations, but my mother also said she would take me to court to try and get grandparents rights of visitation! 

My therapists says she doesn't have rights in my situation because she has never taken care of my children or provided support, but it scares me still that they would go so far just to be so hateful, and not realize that I don't want my children ot suffer the same emotional and verbal abuse as I've suffered.

Ahh!!!  We shall continue this later, you can email me or message me, since this may get more personal for the forum,

I'm going to literally run now!

Ciao!