Mommy Issues

Does anyone else have issues with their mother that center around weight or eating?

I don't want to blame her for my weight problems, but she definitely impacted my low self esteem and horrible body image.

Now that I'm an adult, with kids of my own, I am trying hard to not pass down the same insecurities my mother handed down to me.  But it's hard.  I don't know HOW to do it right. 

And even at 37 years old I emotionally turn into a snotty little 12 year old if my mother even mentions food/weight/exercise.   I either shut down completely or I get nasty.  

I feel like all these "mommy issues" are holding me back in my journey to a healthier lifestyle.  I've lost 50lbs over the past 2 years but I seem to have hit a road block and have been trying to break 200 for about 8 months.  I am wondering if I will ever be able to maintain a healthy lifestyle without resolving these issues. 

I do.  Constantly.  I can remember before my mother got very ill she was Always on a diet and going on about how fat and disgusting she was. Cabbage soup, slim fast, richard simmons... you name it.  I was exposed from a really early age on.  Being an emotional eater (also from mom) doesn't help me because it set me up to learn food is a reward and you eat until the plate is empty. 

Despite being very thin myself from sports I was always worried about getting fat.  I literally did sports year round and lived in the gym on off days when I didn't have practice.  I can remember being off to camp and running the perimeter fence (12 miles) daily because I was so scared all the junk food we were getting was going to pack on pounds. 

Retraining my way of thinking to eat until I'm satisfied wasn't easy and breaking that emotional need to fill a void when I was upset is something I still battle with.  Even now when someone says something to me I remind them I'm not on a diet and I'm trying to improve my overall health so I don't end up 30 years down the road landing in their shoes and having to fight to avoid medications for blood pressure or cholesterol or being so close to going on insulin it wasn't funny. 

Maybe I can slip back into a few old habits when I'm at target or when I'm back doing some serious miles again.  But not sure why I'd want to.  I like eating healthy and getting my family away from the salt, sugar, fried, junk!  And if nothing else I noticed a huge improvement in grades when we cut out that stuff.  I worry they see us counting calories and weighing food too much but I feel like my kids understand that because of my injury I gained a lot of weight and it's bad for me... and their dad is in training again and really getting his body back.  They need to make good choices but, they're growing and will burn off the calories running and playing.  Hopefully I'm teaching them something right. 

My mother is very weight-conscious and rather disparaging about fat people whereas I'm rather the reverse... I'm happy at any weight and I'm of the 'live and let live' mentality.  We do clash on weight-issues.  Being 5' tall she thinks anyone over 8st 7lbs (119lbs) is 'massive'.... conveniently forgetting that I'm 5'6" and if I was 119lbs I'd probably be on a drip.   In one breath she tells me I've put on weight and in the next is offering me another mince pie.... Such is life. 

How do you get around it?   I think you have to eventually understand that you are your own person and that you don't have behave they way they do/did or react to stimuli in the same way... you can decide for yourself

When it comes to children I treat my 8 year-old son the way I would have liked to be treated.  I tell him it's OK not to finish everything on the plate but that once supper is cleared away there are no top-up snacks...  I tell him he looks lovely when he gets dressed in the morning (even if he's having one of his tubby pre-growth phases)...  We don't talk about 'good foods' and 'bad foods' we talk about foods that 'make you big and strong' and foods that 'are nice to eat from time to time'...  We cook together and critique food together for quality (his verdict on MacDonalds - too salty and not very filling!)... We try to do active stuff together like ten-pin bowling. 

Guaranteed in twenty or thirty years' time he'll be on a psychiatrist's couch or a message board complaining about his terrible mother!  Such is life. 

I have some very, very serious mommy issues.  My mother is very short and petite and spent a long time being overweight - she was a chubby child and teen, and maybe wore a size 16 as an adult.  When I was about 10 years old she finally went on a "diet" or lifestyle change and drastically cut her food intake.  Granted, she is a small woman so she could probably stand to have a fairly low intake, even 1200.  However, she also started walking and doing other exercises daily, and probably still to this day eats 700-1000 calories a day.

I was a chubby child and my mother used to also hide food from me.  Ice cream, chocolates, anything fattening etc, she would hide.  This in turn led me to start sneaking food and taking change from her to buy candy etc.  I developed a very unhealthy relationship with food.

To make matters worse, her pet name for me was "Roley"...you know, the fat dog from 101 Dalmations?  She'd mock me and say "Mama, I'm huuungry...okay Roley."  After my father died I started to gain more weight (not sure if it was related) and by the time I was in middle school, she started calling me a moose.  Like I'd sit on the couch and she'd say "Your' such a MOOSE!" She also said she didn't want to buy a new couch til I moved out for college because I was so heavy I would probably ruin it.

In fact the only time she was really "proud" of me was when I was on a super low fat, low cal, not so healthy diet in high school and lost a bunch of weight.  She would try and bribe me if I lost more.  I mean she would say "Im so PROUD of you."  I don't think you should be proud of your daughter for not eating.

SO yeah...I love my mom, I don't think she realized what she was doing or that she was being so mean, she just used to say "I just WORRY about you" and I'm sure she did.  But after I had weight loss surgery 5 years ago she definately spent more money on me, buying clothes all the time, telling me how wonderful I looked etc, and nearly every conversation we had started with "So how is your weight?"  I finaly had to tell her to just stop it, we were never talking about it again.

I worry a lot about when I have kids, what my upbrining will do to them. 

My mom used to say some crummy things to me as a kid..."another helping?" She didn't teach me about nutrition and exercise though. She encouraged me to sit around and watch tv because she didn't like going to any sporting events.

Now, she's 60 and usually sits on her buns all day watching tv and she's a lot bigger. How's that for karma?

Thanks guys for making me feel I'm not totally alone on this one.  I identify with all of you!

Ladyduece, my mom did the cabbage soup thing too.  Complained about how fat she was but also added in some of what dovelette's mom did.  She always hid food from me, scolded me for taking seconds.  I ended up being a closet eater and eating uncontrolably when I babysat at other people's houses. 

My mother started taking me to "fat" doctors when I was about 10 or so.  I remember they told me it was $10 a week to go, and if I lost weight they would subtract the number of pounds I lost from the cost.  The incentive was ridiculous...for a 10 year old!  But it also made it so that my mom always knew how much I lost because of what it cost.  Every week was another opportunity for me to disappoint my mother.

I can't even tell you how many times she took me to Weight Watchers.  "Oh let's do it together and support each other"...  "you have such a pretty face, imagine how you would look if you were skinny"... "What if you could become anorexic for just a few months".  I swear these things came out of her mouth ROUTINELY! 

Gi-Jane, I agree with you on how to teach kids to be "healthy" and I've been doing what I can.  I never make them clean their plate, instead I tell them to listen to their bodies to decide when they are full, hungry, tired, etc.

Trend...it is karma...now for the 1st time in a long time she's shopping for bigger clothes than me.  I know it shouldn't make me happy, but it does!

I grew up hearing mom criticise herself and others while telling me i was pretty.   Unfortunately it was the criticisms that sank in my skull and I ALWAYS feel extremely self conscious.  I started dieting at 10 years old.

Original Post by dovelette:

To make matters worse, her pet name for me was "Roley"...you know, the fat dog from 101 Dalmations?  She'd mock me and say "Mama, I'm huuungry...okay Roley."

ROFL okay sorry but this is really funny to me because my mom did the same thing to me.. but I honestly believe she was just saying that because I always told her "mooooom I'm huuuuungry" so it sounded like the dog. She wasn't really saying I was fat, just that I said that a lot and I really loved that movie!

I used to do that one too.  And she used to really ride me on it.  I was skinny though so I don't know why food was always such an issue with regards to me.  I guess she just had such a skewed look at herself that it projected onto me too.  Hard to not have that same outlook always getting called big butt and other charming things as a kid. 

The one recent time that she's actually had the nerve to call me fat I just answered her with "Yeah.. look who's talking or are you using fun house mirrors now?"  I could literally fit in one of her pant legs then.   She wears mostly elastic waist stretch stuff because it's easy to get on 1 handed (she's disabled from a stroke) so the stretch gives you a LOT of leeway.  My entire family just kinda sat there awestruck, dad was sitting off giggling to himself.  Wasn't pretty but it was just after I came of a course of 5 medications for infection after my surgery.  I hadn't gained much until the oral steroids hit and then I ballooned.  I knew it, it was painful and her having the nerve to rub my face in it really set me off.

She's over 200# now, and only 5' if she hasn't shrunk on us.  Not getting any exercise (her choice) at assisted living and fighting them (literally) on physical theraphy and sticking to her lovely "clean the plate or else" rule she's really packed the weight on.  No telling how much longer before her diabetes gets worse. 

My parents to this day claim they were unaware themselves that our diet was incredible bad. I was a slim  when i was small small until I was 15-16. I was into dance, that kept me fit, and my parents couldnt always afford big meals, so for the most part, we ate canned soup and simple food. Later on when things got better, I assume, we created a habbit of eating out at McDonalds, Small town familly restaurants, stuff like that. I topped out at 160 pounds. For a 5' tall girl... that sux. My mother would never admit I was at all unhealthy. Kept telling me it was just my build. I, being young, believed her. The rest of my family would tell me to stop eating, that I was massive, make comments like... oh there she is eating again.... if I munched. But, I was convinced, for a long time that I had no other alternative.

That was me. But eventually, I cannot even remember why... i guess I naturally just got sick of everything, even being heavy. Now when I look back at pictures, I can't believe i didnt realize sooner. I am 19 now.  Both my parents were heavy as well. They are both still heavy and my mother has cancer. i really believe its a factor of lifestyle. She lived like this her whole life. Her parents to this day, eat out at cholesterol fix places and dont exercise. They both have many issues with digestion and cancer. Two generations, two generations... something has to change. I have become quite obsessed with exercise and healthy eating. I wonder sometimes that I may overdo it. But I think running for an hour each day is standard as long as I realize as soon as i over-do-it. I eat three meals a day, lots of fiber, fruit and vegetables. I have recently become a vegetarian. Trying it for a while.

I have recently weighed in at 117. Still looks like I have some mass for my height, but its healthy and mostly muscle. I plan to try and teach my kids that food is a necessity, but not plainly a source of entertainment or pass-time. I feel the biggest obstacle will be with other children because i babysit now, and every kid I babysit has had some sort of sweets cupboard that is "only opened if they are good." I dont think that a chocolate should be a reward. Thats teaching them early that any accomplishment calls for some comfort food. Probably when they are older this is how it effects them... "today was a hard day, omg it would make me feel so much better if I had ....INSERT FAVE DRIVE-THROUGH WINDOW....." lol I am guilty too... So I'm not sure how i will keep them grounded when I have them. 

What helped me bring my attention away from food was finding a better appreciation for other activities and use these hobbies and goals to "eat" the time between meals. Such a more productive lifestyle and you feel so good. Eventually you stop caring so much about the grandeur of meals and more about quality of life. 

Miamiam, fast food is terrible!  Even the salads are filled with crap.  It's good that you have not let your parents "lack of awareness" drag you down.  Kudos to making positive change while your still young.

I'm 37 and STILL having issues with my mother.

Example:  I went out to dinner with my family tonight.  My husband, kids and my parents.  My mother and I got the same salad.  I got it with grilled chicken and balsamic dressing on the side.  She got it without chicken and with creamy Gorgonzola dressing on the side.  She poured the entire "side" on her salad (3 to 4 tbsp) and complained that there wasn't enough to "dress" the whole salad, and then said well, at least it will make it diet.  Then she's pushing me to eat the grilled garlic bread that came with the salad.

I don't know why at the time this whole "diet" salad with gorzonzola dressing annoyed me so much, but it did.  I know she's just trying to convince herself that it's good for her but it drives me bananas!  And at the same time she's trying to sabotage me by pushing oily bread on me! 

Any objective comments/ideas/suggestions?  I'm so skewed I can't even see straight!