Moms with an ED - am I alone here

I am a 39 y.o. mother to 3 young children.  I had anorexia for 12 years (extremely close to dying at the time - low weight was 65pds. at 5'4) before having children.  I was doing well in recovery when I had children and in many ways still am.  My weight is around 100-103pds.  I'm just looking for other mothers who may be in a similar place.  I'm mainaining at a slightly underweight level - I'm worried about what image I'm portraying to my girls but at the same time am doing little to change my weight - I would guess because I still feel like I'm "in contol".  Can anyone relate?

Scully,

I can definitely identify. I was bulimic in high school to control my weight, and to just feel in control of something, anything! I married right out of high school and became pregnant right away. I am 38 and my oldest son is 19, my second son is 16, and my youngest (a girl) is 10. While I am no longer bulimic, I struggled with weight issues for years. Finally, 5 years ago, I made a change in lifestyle and lost almost 50 pounds and am now at a healthy weight. However, I worry that I have left over issues with food, weight, body image, etc., that I am passing on to my daughter. While I try to set a good example for her and make healthy food choices, I know that I obsess with counting calories (sometimes) with the numbers on the scale. I just pray that the good examples I set for her will outweigh the bad and that she will not struggle with the same issues that I have/do.

please......no more ed posts.theres a wealth of info and past posts...

God this place is just overraught....

Alaskanmama - thanks for your reponse.  It's nice to know there are people out there who can relate.  I know I've set some good examples even though there may be bits of my past (and sometimes current) struggles.

Fidget84 - Can't say you were very welcoming or supportive.  Why such a chip on your shoulder?  I do realize you must be dealing with some anger issues or you wouldn't respond so harshly to someone on a "health and support" forum.  I do hope you are also working on resolving whatever issues you have.

My mom isn't anorexic, but she does have a thyroid condition and smokes like a chimney. She lives off processed crap (Ichaban noodles, cheetos, frozen pizza, pizza pops, white bread, chips, beer, wine, etc..) She's waaaay too thin and frail looking. She has barely any shape, and her body resembles that of a ten year old boy... she can't gain weight to save her life.

Or she can? She just doesn't put the effort into it... regardless she makes ME incredibly frusterated, as I've suffered eating disorders, and to see her eat all the garbage she wants and drink all the alcohol she can, and yet not gain an ounce drives me insane. She's put a lot of stress on me during my ED phases and recovering... competition maybe?

It made me so angry as I was forced to eat and get bigger, where as she can be underweight and boney and it's okay... it just wasn't fair. She claims she doesn't like being skinny and tries to hide it by wearing too big clothes, but she doesn't seem to put the effort into eating more and actually trying to gain a bit

I feel like I have to be small like her to be accepted or something.. I dunno it's stupid as my sister, brother and father are ALL overweight.

Me and my mom don't have the greatest relationship. There is a lot of tension between us. I suggest you get help and don't put your children in the situation I'm in. I wish I could laugh and joke with my mom like my sister can, but I can't because we have this distain towards eachother... we don't talk about it very othen, but it's there.

Unfortunately, I can't relate, scully.  I was raised by a family that focused on healthy eating.  However, they did not focus on weight.  It made it fairly easy for me when growing up.

I guess it depends on what you say and do in front of your children.  Do you talk about dieting in front of them?  Do you fix lowfat meals for yourself while giving them something else?  Do you mention the words "weight" and "fat" in front of them?  If you do any of these things, then as they get older it might effect how they view their own size.

However, if you are discreet, fix good meals for them and eat those good meals with them yourself, then chances are they won't suspect what you are personally going through.  However, it is very hard for a mother with an eating disorder to do these things because they DO eat differently.  And eventually, the kids will notice this.

I think you should seriously take a good look at yourself.  Is maintaining a very low weight worth the possible damage it could do to your kids?  I see you asking for people who relate to you.  However, I don't see you asking for help.  This is what worries me.  This site is all about support.  But it's also about health.   Supporting people in their goals to be healthy.  We will give you all the support that you need, but you need to be willing to help yourself.  Not just your kids.  What kind of people would we be if we just patted you on the back and did nothing to try to make you realize what you are doing to yourself as well?

Despite my long ramble, I guess the main question is whether you are here to get help and support for yourself and your kids, or if you are just here to get tips on how to hide this from your kids?

Original Post by carmenxox:

My mom isn't anorexic, but she does have a thyroid condition and smokes like a chimney. She lives off processed crap (Ichaban noodles, cheetos, frozen pizza, pizza pops, white bread, chips, beer, wine, etc..) She's waaaay too thin and frail looking. She has barely any shape, and her body resembles that of a ten year old boy... she can't gain weight to save her life.

Or she can? She just doesn't put the effort into it... regardless she makes ME incredibly frusterated, as I've suffered eating disorders, and to see her eat all the garbage she wants and drink all the alcohol she can, and yet not gain an ounce drives me insane. She's put a lot of stress on me during my ED phases and recovering... competition maybe?

It made me so angry as I was forced to eat and get bigger, where as she can be underweight and boney and it's okay... it just wasn't fair. She claims she doesn't like being skinny and tries to hide it by wearing too big clothes, but she doesn't seem to put the effort into eating more and actually trying to gain a bit

I feel like I have to be small like her to be accepted or something.. I dunno it's stupid as my sister, brother and father are ALL overweight.

Me and my mom don't have the greatest relationship. There is a lot of tension between us. I suggest you get help and don't put your children in the situation I'm in. I wish I could laugh and joke with my mom like my sister can, but I can't because we have this distain towards eachother... we don't talk about it very othen, but it's there.

I for one really appreciate you providing the adult child's perspective even if it is not about a mother with ED. While I understand Scully hoping she can continue to "be in control" and somehow pull one over on her three children, it never works out that way.

Scully, if you have girls you are particularly risking their future health and self-confidence. There is absolutely no way to hide it -- kids osmose everything. Not only that, in study after study it is more damaging to children for there to be a "family secret" (something that has impacted or is impacting one or both parents that is never discussed and openly dealt with) than for them to be raised in an outright hostile environment in terms of the likelihood of psychological illness in later life.

There are however a lot of women on this site that have chosen to come clean with their families and children and begin the process of recovery with their support. I very sincerely hope you will join them for yourself and for the mental and physical health of your growing children.

Uh oh, I didn't word my original post correctly.  I apologize.  I am not in any way hoping to learn how to hide it from my kids.  I guess I just wanted to see if anyone has had to work on recovery while caring for kids.  I see so many teenagers on here that it is very hard to relate. 

I did not mean that I wasn't willing to fix this, I am desperately searching for the internal motivation to gain the last few pounds to put me in the healthy catagory.  I'm trying to figure out why I feel the need to stay in control through my weight. 

Also, I never, ever talk about dieting or weight with the kids.  We only discuss making healthy choices and that there are "sometimes" foods and "all the time foods" - no off limits foods.  I know a lot of moms without EDs who don't let their kids have any candy ever.  Not my kids, I feel everything in moderation with a focus on the health benefits of fruits, veggies, fats, proteins, etc.  The only indications to them of my issue would be that I tend to eat the same b-fast and lunch most days (but will vary once in a while).  I always eat the dinner I prepare for the family. 

I didn't take your original post as looking for ways to hide anything from your kids. I took it as looking for ways to NOT set a bad example for them. I think the fact that you are asking questions at all is a good sign that you are putting their best interests out there. Of course, you have to take care of yourself before you can truly take care of anyone else.

Maybe try varying your regular breakfast by dressing up the oatmeal in a different way? Say, instead of plain, add some fruit and a piece of toast? Then after that becomes "the usual" leave out the oatmeal and make it cheese toast and fruit? Or something like that?

Many prayers and best of luck!

how about simply modeling healthy behaviors, and gaining weight to an appropriate level. i can't understand how you have 3 children and your primary concern is the number on the scale. you have a life to live, why be a slave to a number that really means nothing when you have beautiful children who love you and look to you to set a good example. even without talking about diet, exercise, etc. you might be setting a very unrealistic picture of what is natural in terms of weight. 

if you know you're in an unhealthy place why are you doing nothing to change it? what are you really controlling? what in your life do you feel is out of control?

feel your emotions and show your kids that it's okay to have pain, lose control, and how to cope in a healthy way. this is much more valuable than attempting to control every aspect of your life and treating yourself in an unhealthy manner.

I am a 50+ widowed Mom of 2 daughters. A teenager and a 20 year old.  I have recently admitted i have an eating disorder. I just am never hungry and I allowed myself to get to 107 pounds at 5'7"...My belly is extended and my health is at a dangerous place. I would advise you to get some help...for You..This is a FABULOUS SITE with amazing feedback, but maybe you need some help to allow you to address the control issues and be healthy in the process. 

I know my youngest daughter commented that she was "fat" since she weighed more than me..I very clearly told her I was ill. I had a eating disorder..and she was just perfect where she was..... You are their role model...and this is an illness that needs to be addressed seriously. 

Check out my Profile...if you need a friend, I'd be more than happy to be one..

If not me..that is fine..there are quite amazing Women on this site, that could guide you and help you move forward.

I wish you all the strength to battle this ....Big Hugs!!

I am 26, mom of 2, and though so far my girls have all the confidence in the world, I worry that it will get to them. So far they are shielded from words like "fat" and I never make negative comments about myself, I try to teach them everything right, but I still worry that they'll see my thoughts and that their mom would rather be 5'7.5" and 110 pounds than healthy and 140 or something like that. No, I'm not 110. I was only near that once. I came here, started gaining, and I don't like it, and it makes me so unhappy with myself. I'm trying to shield them from that, too. But the tension shows. I wish I could cure it. I wish I could love myself unconditionally. But I can't. The issues are so old. They are so old. Built into me. And sometimes I think "If I could just skip this" or "Just cut out this" and worry that one day it will happen again. What I did do was change my schedule so I work out while they're asleep so they don't see that. We talk about activity but not obsessive exercise and they know too much is bad. I just hope they can escape it...

You are a young woman...with her entire life in front of her...I understand those very deep issues...I understand...but to use food..which is supposed to nourish and nurture you as a way to hide from what the problems are underneath, I am afraid to say...only the loss of your health will you accomplish.

Trust me on this one...I am a lifetime ahead of you..and I still deal with those same issues that have haunted me all my life...Just recently, they have manefested in my not eating...it all has to do with control..The one thing we can control...but I realize....I must eat..I must force myself to eat....if I want a few more decades in this world....

Your children require an enormous amount of energy. You can't give that to them, if you are malnourished and exhausted....

You need to get to the core issue....it really has so little to do with food and exercise.

I'll keep you in my prayers and hope you find the strength to face those demons...that are stealing your life...

(((((( HUGS)))))))