mother-in-law/grandmother

I am wondering how people who don't have good relationships with their MIL handle it once kids are in the picture. What are your issues and how do you deal with it? 

Recently, I have had a problem with my MIL telling flat out lies about me to the rest of the family.  (e.g. Telling everyone I got fired from my job for stealing.  The truth is that I am still at the same job and there was never ANY theft issue.) I confront her about her lies and it always turns awkward.   

My husband always takes my side, so that causes an even bigger issue for her. How are we going to handle this once the baby comes?  She will be the baby's grandmother...

I am not as concerned about my boyfriends mom when we have children as I am with my own mother. 

I don't have children yet but my mom has 11 grandchildren and I see how she acts with them and my sisters.  My sisters will ask her directly not to do something and sure enough later we see my mom doing exactly what she was asked not to do.  I understand grandmother want to spoil their grandchildren and that would be fine if it was an occassional event. My family is rather close and so this type of thing happens frequently(weekly at least). 

I just do not look forward to having to deal with once I have children.

Personally: Family is very important to me.

I always make my daughter available to be known and loved by my In-Laws. I actually try to soothe any/all bs drama created by them. My MIL created a wedge between herself and my husband. ( Over me. ) I've actually had to purchase her Mother's Day cards/gifts for the last two years. It's nonsense. imho. I never want my husband to have to choose between us. I never want to represent a wedge in his mind in regard to his mother. It's a lot of bs/bogus drama that amuses some people. It isn't until the death of a parent that some people begin to realize enough is enough. I have no desire to fight anyone, even if I dislike them. Or: They dislike me.

I can't make his mother/family like me. - le sigh-  However, I continue to be the same me. I want them to have a good/healthy relationship... So: I'll continue to try regardless of their hostility towards me. Why? Well... I never want my daughter to confuse their hostility for my own.

Their relationships aren't dependent on his family liking me,imho. There's no reason we shouldn't be able to fake it till we make it. :) That's a working concept even with some of my own family/friends. ( My MIL has/can/ and does fake it sometimes. I wish she would just fake it all the time! To my face and behind my back... at least until she knows me!)  I just try to avoid/dismiss others drama till they're over it. That way  we can be in their company when they're more agreeable/enjoyable. (There is one cousin in his family that I refuse to be around. Or: Allow our daughter to be around. Period. She actually threatened to crack a beer bottle over my head. . .while I was holding our daughter! My husband has completely disowned his cousin for it. We made it very clear any threats put into action will be dealt with immediately. That the drunk/family card wasn't an excuse for her premeditated vendetta. I'd only met her 3 times for a combined total of 20 minutes. She thought she was going to attack me for my MIL. She was angry over a false assumption that had been corrected. We made it very clear that it was a quick way to be eliminated from our life. I am usually a nice/passive person. Some of my friends say I am a push-over. Though, I do have my moments if you push me over the edge. Enough was enough. My advice is use emotional intelligence when dealing with your In-Laws. It's important to prepare your approach/reactions in a rational/logical manner. That's all you can do!

Original Post by rooper:

 

Recently, I have had a problem with my MIL telling flat out lies about me to the rest of the family.  (e.g. Telling everyone I got fired from my job for stealing.  The truth is that I am still at the same job and there was never ANY theft issue.) I confront her about her lies and it always turns awkward.   

why would she make up such an awful lie???

Original Post by vanessa1031:

why would she make up such an awful lie???

 

^ why?!?!?! I used to ponder/worry over why my MIL did/says the things that she does,etc. Trying to figure out why doesn't she like me....

My new standpoint is: Why try to make sense out of nonsense?

Original Post by enchantingimage:

Original Post by vanessa1031:

why would she make up such an awful lie???

 

^ why?!?!?! I used to ponder/worry over why my MIL did/says the things that she does,etc. Trying to figure out why doesn't she like me....

My new standpoint is: Why try to make sense out of nonsense?

 it's just so random that anyone; MIL or not would make up a lie like that.  I'm very lucky to have no problems with my MIL or mom.  I know my MIL is very protective of her son-  I get that- I respect that-  I have worked very hard to keep lines of communication open and calm.  Calm being the key word.  If you "partner" with her then she'll like you.  I guess.  I'm not sure.  Some MILs are just psycho.

but, I wouldn't want my child to be around a pathological liar- no matter what or who.

You are right Vanessa, her lie was just plain bizarre.  My husbands siblings and cousins were all sending me emails telling me how sorry they were, etc.  I had no idea what they were talking about.  When I found out, I confronted my MIL and she told me that MY sister was the one who spread the rumor.  ???????  It was yet another lie.  My sister doesn't talk to my husband's extended family. 

The worst part is that she will do similar things at family gatherings. She will say the lies to another family member right in front of my face.  Either me or my husband will tell her that she is mistaken.  When this happens, she usually gets very flustered and locks herself in a room. 

I am not even certain that she is aware of what she says.  She keeps talking about how she "needs" a Xanax and I wonder if it is impairing her memory.  I have thought that perhaps the things she attributes to me are happening to other people she knows.  I really don't know. 

Original Post by rooper:

I am not even certain that she is aware of what she says.  She keeps talking about how she "needs" a Xanax and I wonder if it is impairing her memory.  I have thought that perhaps the things she attributes to me are happening to other people she knows.  I really don't know. 

My sister in law and my MIL's SIL told me that my MIL has issues with people in general. That she's a drama queen/victim that stirs fictional problems. Through lies-false assumptions/disdain for no reason/gosip/etc. They informed me that my MIL takes Xanax too.Trying to explain to me that her behavior isn't anything personal against me.

... I don't know if there is an actual connection to those that need the drug acting that way.  .... It's pretty ironic that my MIL is on the same thing though.

Original Post by rooper:

The worst part is that she will do similar things at family gatherings. She will say the lies to another family member right in front of my face.  Either me or my husband will tell her that she is mistaken.  When this happens, she usually gets very flustered and locks herself in a room. 

 

I've seen my MIL run to her room to cry hysterically... over nothing. The first time it happened I thought it was very juvenile/soap opera. The whole scene was extremely melodramatic and loud.

Now: It doesn't even phase me to be quite honest. It's just expected/fake nonsense that happens if you're around her for an extended period. :( Whenever things don't go her way, you can count on her to throw a tantrum. Or: Create a scene.

Some people are easier to take in spurts or short intervals. :)

My MIL once tore into her birthday cake because she only wanted us there and not anyone else from extended family.  It was quite the scene.  She literally dug her hands into the cake and shouted "It's my birthday and I get to say who I want here!" while throwing pieces of cake everywhere.  Yellow with chocolate frosting.  On the chandelier; dining room set, walls.  The dog got a lot of it :)  She ran upstairs and hid in her room.  My SIL and I cleaned it up.  Then she came down and fiercely hugged us.  I love that woman.

Will I become a crazy MIL when my daughter gets married??

Wow, Vanessa. I have similar stories!

Maybe: That is kind of a right of passage as you transition from being mother to someone's mother in law. :)  I <3 Family

I have a crazy mother in law also. Luckily, for the 3 years of my daughters life she has lived in another city and has only seen her 3 times. They have just recently started a little talking on the phone (what little a 3 year old does!), since the MIL plans to move back to our city. While I support a grandparent/grandchild relationship, I support my daughters mental well being more. My daughter will never be alone with my MIL because I can not trust her. I can't trust what she says or what she does. Either me or my husband will have to be along. When my daughter is older we will explain, but chances are she will see the weirdness herself.

Meghansmommy,

I think that might be what we will choose to do.  Luckily, she lives a few hours away, so the chances of us leaving the baby alone with her are not likely.  As a friend of mine pointed out, kids usually will tell you what is being said by their grandparents anyway.  I do recall reporting some of my grandmother's wackiness back to my parents. 

The relationship you have with your MIL may not be the same relationship she will have with her grandchild. Chances are she'll be nicer to the baby than she is to you.   Take it one step at a time.  She is the grandmother and deserves a chance to be a part of your childs life and your child deserves a chance to know thier grandma.  If things start to get dangerous then you can intervene.  Teach your child about poor behavior without slamming your MIL. 

My MIL isn't the best either but the kids are oblivious to her bad adult habits.  They have unconditional love for thier Nana.  Whenever her bad behavior comes into question and they ask "why" I tell them to ask Nana about it.  But I never badmouth her or keep them away.

Well, I don't really have a problem with my mother in law, I do have some issues with my step mother.  We are a bit like oil and water, but it's a little better now that I am older and we live in opposite states! :)  Anyhow, I have found that the best thing to do if possible is to suck it up for the kids.  All of the adults in the situation, regardless of whether or not we love each other, love the kids.  And they are really the most important part.  You may find that the kids will have afternoons with grandma while you go and get your hair cut or things like that.  This way she gets time with her grandkids and you get time w/o her! :)  You will find a way to work it out as long as you always put the kids first.

I don't have any issues with my MIL except for that fact that she is way too overbearing!!!  She always tries to include my husband and I in all aspects of her life!  She has (4) children including my husband and she treats them like they are still young kids.  Her yougest is over 17 yrs old and he is such a mama's boy as was my husband until I snapped him out of it.  I live only 15 minutes away from my in-laws, which was a huge mistake because they are always asking us to come over!  I absolutely HATE the holidays as they are more of a pain then anything.  She is always asking us what time we will be over her house and if we leave after 4-5 hours she thinks their is a problem.  She really needs to get on with her life and accept the fact that all her children are grown and that her children have their own families now!

My question:  My husband and I plan to have kids within the next few years.  I am really worried that she will be over our house every minute of the day!  My in-laws are in our lives way too much, I can't stand it!  FYI..we just got married a year ago.  When the time comes to have a baby, I don't even want to tell my in-laws I'm in labor until after the birth.  I am so paranoid that she will come in the room after the birth and hold the baby before we even get a chance to.  Am I being rediculous?