To the mothers out there, give me advice!

I just found out less than a week ago that I am pregnant.  I have been up in the air as to whether I should get an abortion or keep, or maybe adopt it.  I am very confused right now.  The father doesn't live nearby, he lives 1000 miles away and has no money with which to help me, so I am alone.  I live in Houston but all my family is in different places, so I am really all alone.  But in a way I want the baby, the baby would give me something to live for, something to love besides my two cats.  But on the other hand, can I raise a baby by my self as a single working mother?  What should I do?  I have an appointment for an abortion on Friday, but as the date draws near I am having second thoughts about killing it.  After all, it is my baby.  I am about 4 weeks pregnant and very scared.  I am an engineer working in a well paying job.

My question is, how hard it is to find a baby sitter?  If I did decided to keep the baby, I would want to find a new job closer to family, but that involves going out of town for two days one night.  Do I take the baby with me for that, or do I find a baby sitter to baby sit overnight?  How do I work it out?  Please, I need advise, I am very scared because I don't know how to do this.

Oh, please, please don't abort this special child!  Surely you know some other single mothers who are able to make it?  It can certainly be done, although it will involve a radical change in your life.  For starters, you will have to put the needs of another above your own.  But you will find yourself doing it out of love, and there is no greater joy.

As far as the practicalities of babysitters, that sort of depends on where you live.  I would think there would be plenty of daycare facilites and/or nanny situations available in Houston.  If you were unable to place the baby with family on your overnights, at first you could possibly take the baby with you, but that would get harder as the child gets older.

I would encourage you to contact the pregnancy resource center in Houston to look at all the options.  You do have choices other than abortion--choices you won't later regret.

I will keep you in my prayers.  Blessings to you, Laurie

You can definitely raise a child on your own, but you can still have help! There are many resources available for single mothers!  Everything from baby materials, formula, support for you as well. 

Please call OptionLine at 1 (800) 395-HELP.  It sounds like you are struggling with your pregnancy options, which is normal.  Please contact OptionLine.  There are trained consultants who can connect you with a pregnancy center in your area that has information on your pregnancy options and can help you figure out the answers to your questions concerning babysitting and day to day care of your child.
Good luck and take care!

Well, I would recommend moving your abortion appointment out another week or 2, and getting some emergency (quick) mental health care, some insurances will let you see someone same day if you explain your situation.  If you can speak with someone about how you feel, they might be able to help you make the best choice for you.

This is a very very personal choice, it's probably not the best thing to decide while you're still thinking about getting baby sitters.

I am the mother of one son. He is now 20. I also had an abortion about a year ago. I had been so careful with birth control through the years and just got lax with it. I was shocked at age 46 to find myself pregnant. I weighed all of the possiblities and I knew in my heart that abortion was the right choice for me.

Abortion is a deeply personal choice. No one but you can decide what is right for you. Many people will tell you that if you abort you are killing a child. Only you can answer that question for yourself, taking into account all your personal feelings and beliefs.

I personally don't consider abortion as murder. Some do. I don't want to see people use abortion as a regular birth control method. The fact remains that unwanted accidental pregnancies are going to occur. I personally would rather a fetus be aborted than brought into the world unwanted and then mistreated.

Adoption is a wonderful solution, if you can give birth and then give up the child. Some women make that choice and I think it is beautiful. Once again, you have to decide if that decision is right for you.

It can be very hard and very expensive to find good child care. It is very hard to raise a child by yourself. An infant is very demanding and your life will change dramatically after the child's birth.

If you wanted to change jobs so you can move closer to family, you should probably do that before the child is born if you can. Once you are obviously pregnant, finding a new job will be almost impossible. Employers will be reluctant to hire a pregnant woman, as they don't know how much time you'll be taking off.

It will be very hard to look for a job in the first few months after the baby is born. You will be physically exhausted every single minute of the day. It is amazing how much work and care an infant requires. No one can prepare you for how hard it is. You may find someone you could leave your baby with that you trust while you travel to look for work. This may cause you to feel guilty for leaving someone so young and vulnerable in the care of someone else. You will also miss the child terribly. If you take the child with you, you will have to allow extra time to travel with an infant. It is not so easy to travel with a baby. You will then have to know you have arrangements to take care of the child while you are interviewing, etc.

The joys of parenthood are indescribable. I don't mean to paint a bleak picture of motherhood, but so many people talk about the joys and don't get real about the work. Is it worth it? My answer is yes. My son changed me and challenged me to grow and be a better person. I am glad I am a mother.

Think long and hard and go with the feeling in your gut. Get advice and talk about options with other people, and then ask yourself which advice feels right for you. Don't let anyone shame you or belittle you or make you feel bad about your decision. Only you know how you really feel.

I will keep you in my thoughts. I send to you support. I am confident that your decision will be right for you.

that's one fine mess you've gotten yourself in eh? i'm sorry but at 31 years old??? come on! you mean to tell me you NEVER thought of this possibility before you had sex with a guy 1,000 miles away and not able to help you??? i had two babies and both of them were planned 100%. had a husband, job, house, babysitters, family support. i did this for THEM NOT ME!!! sounds to me like you are thinking more of yourself here. "i am lonely in this town and the cats just arn't company enough so instead of going out and making friends and joining a club, how bout i just grow my own friend?" ya that's the ticket. sheeeesh!

i am so sorry to be so hash but geez think of the baby here! go out and find a nice couple who disparately want a baby and have every resource to raise one and do the right thing.

good luck to you and God bless

Kat

sportstergirl, I think your post is unusually cruel.  She is probably out of her mind, and your words are not going to do any good what-so-ever.

Maybe she used double birth control and they both failed, IT HAPPENS.  Women are allowed to have casual sex if they want, now she is of course dealing with one of the consequences.  I'm POSITIVE she realizes the severity of her current predicament.

You just sound really high and mighty with your 100% planned pregnancys, you arn't better than people who accidently get pregnant.

I believe that you would be able to take care of the baby yourself, if that's what you choose to do.  Actually I know you'd be able to handle the situation.  But whether you choose to or not is up to you. 

I DO NOT believe that abortion is an option you should go for.  Like a previous post, if you don't believe you can handle the responsiblity of being a single mother, than put the baby up for adoption.  There are so many couples who want children and can provide for them, that just can't have children, so why not help since this is a situation you feel you may not be able to handle. 

If you are having second thoughts, then abortion is probably something that you will regret for years down the road.... Think about it completely before you make a decision that would end someone else's life...

Original Post by nocturne:

sportstergirl, I think your post is unusually cruel.  She is probably out of her mind, and your words are not going to do any good what-so-ever.

Maybe she used double birth control and they both failed, IT HAPPENS.  Women are allowed to have casual sex if they want, now she is of course dealing with one of the consequences.  I'm POSITIVE she realizes the severity of her current predicament.

You just sound really high and mighty with your 100% planned pregnancys, you arn't better than people who accidently get pregnant.

Thank you nocturne!

Please people, this woman is pregnant and frightened and worried. She needs positive advice and encouragement to find the answer that is best for her. If you can't give positive support or share your opinions in a civilized manner, then please don't post.

Finding a babysitter is easy.  Finding one that is trustworthy and (hopefully) inexpensive is quite a bit harder.  My wife and I were lucky enough to have someone recommended to us by my co-workers.  My advice would be to ask friends and co-workers to see if they know of any good babysitters.  Be prepared for sticker shock, though.  Depending on where you live and how much you use the daycare, it could be anywhere from $100-$300 per WEEK...

So, since I am a guy, I will ask:  Have you talked to the father about this?  I don't know the particulars about your relationship with the father, but I know that I would want to be told if I got someone pregnant, and I would want to be involved in the child's life.

 I am an engineer working in a well paying job.  

If your job pays well like you say.... then I think you'll be fine.  If you're unsure, cut back on other expenses such as designer jeans, Dooney purses.... etc... because you'll have a baby to take care of...

bringing a new life in this world is tough.  As long as you don't mind giving up some things YOU CAN DO IT!!  I had my daughter when I was 18 years old.  I gave up full ride scholarships for her... and I would do it all over again if I had to. (yes... Now I'm an old fart in school, but HEY, at least I went back)

think things over... if you choose to abort the baby, will you be emotionally 'okay' afterwards? 

Thank you all for all of your wonderful advice.  Just to let you know, the father does know about it, he wants me to get an abortion.  I am still  unsure.  My problem is I am stuck here in Houston, I hate Houston, I hate my job.  If I have a baby that means that I will be stuck here.  I don't want that.  Stuck in a job that I hate, in a city that I hate. 

I sent you a message through CC...

 I was also 18 and single when I had my son. I did not start out having a good job, but I still was able to become successful and accomplish what I needed to. It was hard, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. My child has been the best thing that has ever happened to me - even though it was most definitely not the right timing!

Some people are okay with abortions, but I know too many people that come out of them with the heart and soul broken for their loss; as well as a tremendous amount of guilt. I don't know if you are religious or not but I would do some serious praying / soul searching before making that kind of decision. 

Cesty - please keep one thing in mind, the baby isn't going to be here tomorrow, you have several months to get everything in line before she/he will join you...

So if you wanted to find a new job, do it, then move closer to your family, then you'll have the support of your family.  Just start looking now and make your moves now while your very early in your pregnancy that way you'll be set once the baby arrives....

But even if you don't have everything in life settled, trust me- just like moody said, you can still make your moves in life with the baby.  The baby won't stop you from making your goals in life, nor should it be an excuse to stop you.  It should help you work harder to obtain the goals... Honey YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! 

Just because you have a baby doesn't mean you are stuck in Houston! People move with babies all the time :)

Well, I have a 15, 12 and 18th month old daughter.  I hardly planned to have a baby at 37, but what a blessing she has turned out to be.  You seem to have your ducks in a row, and you are luckily in a financial place that you can afford to have the baby if you choose to do so. Please ignore sportstergirl.  She obviously has some issues.  I commend your bravery coming out to everyone on the forum.  You are in a tough spot, but only YOU can make this decision.  Whatever happens, my thoughts are with you!

The first thing you need to do, is speak to someone professional about your feelings, doubts and fears.   Please dont rush into anything until you way all the choices. 
There are groups out there that will go over all options in an unbiased way.  You need facts not propaganda to scare you into a decision.  This is your decision and only yours.  You only just found out and the shock is still there.  I have terminated a unwanted pregnancy after my bcp failed when I was 18.  I thought about it and it was the right decision for me.  I am the mother of 3 beautiful children and have never once felt regret for my choice I made.

The best option is an informed decision based on all choices available to you.

Good luck

carol

Original Post by moonikins:

Original Post by nocturne:

sportstergirl, I think your post is unusually cruel. She is probably out of her mind, and your words are not going to do any good what-so-ever.

Maybe she used double birth control and they both failed, IT HAPPENS. Women are allowed to have casual sex if they want, now she is of course dealing with one of the consequences. I'm POSITIVE she realizes the severity of her current predicament.

You just sound really high and mighty with your 100% planned pregnancys, you arn't better than people who accidently get pregnant.

Thank you nocturne!

Please people, this woman is pregnant and frightened and worried. She needs positive advice and encouragement to find the answer that is best for her. If you can't give positive support or share your opinions in a civilized manner, then please don't post.

 my message wasn't necessarily for her in that it is done so now she has to deal with it. it is for the many, many people who will read this BEFORE they are in the same predicament as she is and THEY may think twice before getting in such a predicament as she.

and believe me, i am NO high and mighty. i am a single mom myself. so, you don't know me. i LOVE children and working with the public, i have seen more than my share of high stressed mothers treating babies poorly.

one boy, in the parking lot with the passenger door open, not realizing mommy wants to back the car up, she yells at him, "close the door you dumb ass i am trying to back up!!"

or the lady that came in on easter morning, "my little neighbor boy came over and asked if the easter bunny had hid his basket at my house. OMG his parents are passed out and i know they didn't get him anything" so, i give her a basket to take him and had it taken out of my pay that week

more mothers than i can count who yell at their children to sit the hell down in the cart so they can get the shopping done quickly.

i have cried enough tears for strangers and i have prayed many a prayer for children i do not know. i will pray for this one as well.  

i could go on but i think you get my point here. so, if you decide to keep the baby, treat the baby well. you want him/her because you love them and want them. please treat them as such.   they did not ask to be brought into this world, so once they are, they should be loved and taken care of. that is all i am saying

respectfully,

kat 

It sounds to me like your job has gotten to you, Sportster.  I still think that is no reason to kick someone when they are down.

Original Post by cnjjeanmard:

It sounds to me like your job has gotten to you, Sportster. I still think that is no reason to kick someone when they are down.

 it did get to me. quit doing it many many years ago. if you have never worked for the public before, you really wouldn't understand. makes you appreciate what you have and makes you think "and i thought i had it tough?" changes your whole understanding of the human race to be sure.

may have something to do with the headlines too. news stories of kids treated badly. britney spears sister preg and brit looking at preg tests and adnan saying that he thinks she wants to have his baby. can't even take care of the ones she has now.  

but, again, i was more making a statement to others BEFORE they find themselves in the same predicament. and i did wish her well. 

don't you believe that someone should WANT and think about how they will take care of a child before they have one? i do. 

 just sayin

Your decision is a personal one, and I wish you well whatever you decide (and offer you support, too, whatever you decide).

I have a question for you, should you decide to bear and keep the baby: would you be prepared to raise a child by yourself if the child has a disability? Babies are, by definition, perfect and beautiful, but some redefine perfect in ways you may not anticipate. (My own child redefined perfect for me; he has an autistic spectrum disorder. [He's now 14; no longer a baby.])

I can well understand the father's wish for you to have an abortion -- he is obligated to pay child support if you have this baby, whether he "has no money" or has plenty of it. (If he doesn't want to be a father, I hope he takes his own precautions to prevent that.)

I second the posts that suggest you talk with someone about this before you make a decision. If you have an Employee Assistance Program at work, you can probably see the counselor pretty quickly, and that is someone who would know where else you might go to talk about your situation.

Good luck!