How do I motivate my fiance?

Hey everyone. Ever since I started counting calories and trying to live healthier, and lose weight, my fiance has been very supportive. Whenever I reach my goals, she congratulates me, and always makes sure to tell me I'm doing a good job. Sometimes, I feel like she is saying these things because she's obligated to (she is my wife-to-be, after all) but I think this is just me being hard on myself and insecure, because her words never sound fake or meaningless.

Here's the problem: my fiance is also in the process of dieting and trying to be healthier. Although she hasn't seen the scope of success I have, she has lost about 12 pounds over the last 3 months, and I'm proud of her. The thing is, I have a funny way of showing it. You see, my fiance refuses to exercise. We purchased Wii Fit almost 3 months ago, with her promise to play everyday, and in those three months she's played maybe 10 times.  So, when she says something like "I lost 3 lbs." I say some @-hole thing like "Well that's great, honey. I'm proud of you. But you would have lost more if you would exercise!"

Now, I know on one hand this is an @-hole thing to do. But I can't really help it. I know I should be proud of what she IS doing instead of what she is not, but I can't seem to wholeheartedly congratulate her when I feel like she isn't giving her best effort. I think this comes from all my years playing sports. My coaches (and my father) never sugar-coated anything. They gave the whole truth. If I did something right, they would tell me 5 things I did wrong! And now, that's me. Always seeing the negative. Sorry, I know this is long but does anyone have any advice on how I can be more supportive and still get my fiance to try a little harder? Thanks.

No help? I know it's late... Maybe tomarrow?

Tell her that if she doesn't try harder, the wedding's off. No don't do that...um. I'm stumped, sorry.

Personally, if my boyfriend said something like that to me, I'd either go eat an entire cheesecake or dump him.  Actually, I'd probably do both.  Part of supporting someone is acknowledging that they might not go about things the way you would.  You're not her coach, you're her partner.  Be nice.  I'm sure she knows that exercise can speed up weight loss, so if she's not doing it, it's because she doesn't want to.  (Not trying to be harsh, but saying stuff like that could really upset somebody.)

It happens to me all the time-

I got married in December and my hubby has been tryin to motivate me ever since.

But he says things like- why do u wanna exercise if  you gonn ahave that ONE SMALL piece of chocolate-

or  what's the use of you eating less if you not gonna exercise..

Hello- I know what I am doing- by him telling me what to do and what not to do- it gets irritating- okay im not in a position to dump him coz of that but as medved said- many a time I just go end up eating all the wrong things- trying to prove a point to him which in turn is bad for me...

Please be patient with her- As long as she is making some effort let her. No two fingers are alike- each iindividual is different and things work different for diff persons............

Joekame - in my opinion the way you influence others is by leading by example....not do as I say but do as I do...life and people are free spirited and have a free will....I would stop jabbing your bride to be and let the chips fall where they may...if she decides to get serious she will....if she doesnt then she wont...either way its her choice...she needs to find the way that makes her happy....I would drop the @-hole comments and congratulate her on her achievements (even if its less than if she would have done more)...its still an achievement and its going in the right direction.

Just my 2 cents....

Dave

I agree with the others you have to support her way of going about the weight loss. Be patient and encourage her but don't push. As she loses weight she may gain confindence and start to become more active. I know that's what it took for me to start exercising.

Also have you tried doing active things together? How about asking her to go for a walk? Riding bikes? Hiking? Start out slow only 5-10 minutes and increase the duration and intensity over time. 

Good luck to you both.

As a wife, I would highly recommend not saying "Good job--but you could do better".  Not a good thing--not everyone is motivated by that statement.  My husband doesn't like hearing that sort of thing--it's akin to saying that you're failing.

How about exercising together?  Go for walks, hikes, or runs, play frisbee, tennis--anything like that.  You get some quality bonding time, and she gets her exercise without it being thrown in her face.

In the end, keep on supporting her efforts.  A small weight loss is a loss in the end.

Simply congratulate her on all of your achievements.  Pointing out the negatives is NOT going to help.  You are not her coach, but her partner.  I agree with emer13, encourage her to exercise by asking her to join you.  Don't make her feel like you aren't proud of what she HAS accomplished.

if you REALLY need her to change, you might want to consider if it's a "deal breaker" for you.  because you can't force people to do things they don't want to do for themselves.  you'll get frustrated, and she'll get resentful.

if she's losing weight from eating healthier, she's still make positive changes.  people who push too hard to lose weight, by forcing TOO many things at once to change, sometimes end up miserable, find the lifestyle unsustainable and give up. 

she might change her mind when she slims down more.  sometimes you need time to get comfortable in weightloss before you want to get active.

you are not her coach.  she didn't hire you to motivate her to exercise.  she's your partner and you need to show unconditional acceptance if you're getting married.  this goes both ways of course.

It took me several months of healthy eating/living on my last diet before I started working out.  She might need to get her body acclimated to her new diet.  Also, have you considered getting her on this site?  Perhaps she'd be inspired to do a challenge or the two of you could start a special Wii Fit challenge together!!  I started a "couch potato" challenge sign up (we start next week) and several folks are starting with me at the pace of 5-10 minutes/day.  She will get there if and when she's ready but your hurtful comments are likely to make her more resistant.

Ask her to hold your feet while you do sit ups or something.  Maybe then, she'll turn around and ask you to do the same for her.  Or buy bikes together (this was great for our family!).  Take your time and you'll likely have a positive influence.  But, PLEASE stop the ass-holeish comments or you won't be engaged for long!

Original Post by emer13:

As a wife, I would highly recommend not saying "Good job--but you could do better".  Not a good thing--not everyone is motivated by that statement.  My husband doesn't like hearing that sort of thing--it's akin to saying that you're failing.

How about exercising together?  Go for walks, hikes, or runs, play frisbee, tennis--anything like that.  You get some quality bonding time, and she gets her exercise without it being thrown in her face.

In the end, keep on supporting her efforts.  A small weight loss is a loss in the end.

Yes, I think this is what gets her. She thinks what she's failing when I say things like that. But the thing is, she said she WANTED me to help her, and motivate, and basically MAKE her do things. I don't really know any other way to help.

kthompson92, you have some good ideas. I really like the bike idea, but we are very low on cash right now. I do plan to buy some bikes soon.

Thank you all for your suggestions I'll try and be more supportive!

Joe,

She's got to take her own journey, you can't take it for her.  If she wants to lose weight faster, she will decide on her own to exercise more, but if your encouragement starts to sound to her like badgering, she will never become motivated.  Exercise can be very hard and you really have to want to do it if you're to be successful.  It's just like smoking with me.  My husband would say something like, "I wish you'd quit," or "Why don't you just quit," or something along those lines and I'd take it as him hassling me.  It wasn't until I was ready to quit that I was willing to give it the time and effort it required, and only then was I successful at quitting.  My advice to you is to encourage her by cheering her on for each little success she has.  It just might make her want more and decide to go for it.  I would also suggest activities that you can do together that would be fun like a hike.  Perhaps by finding an activity that you both enjoy you can begin taking your journey together.

Joe- you're certainly on the right track by noticing a problem in your behavior and asking for advice to correct it.  You'll work through this just fine! 

Check out Craig's List for used bikes or go inexpensive to start out.  I got my bike for about $120 at a store that sells "scratch-n-dent" models from the expensive bike stores.  It was about a $300 bike if I recall but due to minor damage from being a floor model, the ritzy bike places refused to sell it!  Also, maybe you can talk her into a tandem bike and then you'd be nagging her all the time to ride but with just cause because you can't go riding without her!

Original Post by cerealaddiction:

if you REALLY need her to change, you might want to consider if it's a "deal breaker" for you.  because you can't force people to do things they don't want to do for themselves.  you'll get frustrated, and she'll get resentful.

if she's losing weight from eating healthier, she's still make positive changes.  people who push too hard to lose weight, by forcing TOO many things at once to change, sometimes end up miserable, find the lifestyle unsustainable and give up. 

she might change her mind when she slims down more.  sometimes you need time to get comfortable in weightloss before you want to get active.

you are not her coach.  she didn't hire you to motivate her to exercise.  she's your partner and you need to show unconditional acceptance if you're getting married.  this goes both ways of course.

I don't need her to change. I'm fine with her just the way she is. But she says she doesn't want to be the fat girl with the skinny boyfriend, and I guess I understand that.

At one point, we were trying to go for walks together, then I got a new job so now our schedules don't really permit that.

Would you respond positively to your fiancee if, when you told her that she needs to exercise more, she simply responded, "I know I should, but I can't help it!"  I'm guessing you wouldn't. Saying, "I can't help it" is often an excuse we use when we don't WANT to do what we know we should do.

As such, I'm pretty unsympathetic to YOUR plea that, although you know you're being rude and unsupportive, you "can't help it." The fact that you didn't always have good role models to show you how to focus on the positive doesn't mean that you have to fall into that same pattern.  (And you're not in a competitive sports situation. That which was appropriate for your coaches is not a good model for you.)

The good news is that you are recognizing this as a shortcoming, and you seem to have a desire to fix it.  I would say it is VERY important that you support her successes as they are.  You need to acknowledge (even to yourself) that they are significant successes, in and of themselves.  It is really unhealthy for your relationship to focus on those things that she COULD have done better in some way. Under that standard, a person can't ever be good enough.

Once you've mastered the art of appreciated her successes for what they are, then you can work on finding ways to encourage her to stretch herself a bit more (no pun intended).  Some things you can try that might be helpful:

1) Find some way to make exercise something you can do together as a couple. If it can be something that is used to build your relationship, rather than just being "boring exercise," that's probably going to go a long way toward making it easier to do.

2) Maybe find a way to build in rewards for exercising.  "Honey, I know we both want to do this, but we have a hard time finding time in our busy day. Let's reward ourselves for doing well.  How about setting aside some money so that when we both reach 100 hours of exercising (Wii Fit, walking, whatever), we can go out and (see a movie, go shopping for ?, etc.)"  Of course, the reward has to be something SHE wants, not just something you want that she wouldn't object to...

3) Suggest some other alternatives.  Mabe the Wii Fit isn't as enjoyable to her as she (or you) had hoped it might be. Maybe she'd rather... ride a bike, watch a movie while walking/jogging/running on a treadmill, lift weights... whatever.

In the end, of course, you *can't* control what she decides to do.  If she just isn't interested in exercising, then you can't MAKE her be interested.  In fact, constantly harping on it (i.e. nagging) is likely to be counterproductive.  All you can do is be encouraging, and loving, and as helpful as possible.

While I know you think she could do better, also understand that everyone loses at different rates. I've been consistently going to the gym and watching my calories for about 6 weeks now and have only lost about 5-6 lbs. My husband (who is only slightly overweight) was just telling me this weekend that as a side effect of me eating better, he has also - we make healthier dinners and don't go out to each as much - and he has lost 10 lbs! He isn't even exercising and is only slightly overweight, while I am obese.

So basically, your fiance may be trying harder than you think but her body just isn't able to lose as quickly as yours. The negative comments may just frustrate her more and make her think why bother trying at all.

Suggestions of things to do together are great. Just lead by example and stay positive :)

I have a husband that is a bit like you and even as a girl I tend to lean towards the @hole view on my own weight loss.  When I think of my husband helping to motivate and encourage me to do my best with my weight loss it is less about the drill sergeant commentary and more about actions.  I'm rather lazy about exercise myself.  Joined a gym and was dedicated at first but have drop off lately.  no one, not even my husband, will ever by force or words motivate me to put in the exercise and derogitory comments from the hubby only kill what little motivation I have.  The support I do appreciate is accepting healthier food choices, which you probably already do because of your own goals.  I loved when my hubby picks out the sugar-free pancake syrup on his own, the low fat cheese, and other healthier choices because it means we can have the food we like will less calorie-guilt.

When she proclaims success, even the smallest accomplishment, take a breath and cut your comments by half, dropping of the "coach" retoric.  You have the right to think it, but it doesn't help to say it.  Girls don't always want raw truth, and as your fiance she wants support, encouragement.  The world would be a horrible place if everyone stated the raw truth.  i'm sure in other scenerios at work, with friends, you know that the raw truth is the last thing to say.  Well weight loss is one of those scenarios.  You know it isn't helping so just back away, take a deep breath, and then just be loving.  YOu know what she wants to hear.  Will it really hurt you or her to soften the truth?

I think telling someone you can work harder is the ultimate esteem killer (btw is this my bf?? ) I know he means well, but not everybody has the same intrensic motivation and it can be discouraging to hear- eh, you aren't going to the gym today? You didn't go yesterday.... I don't know how to explain it...

Lately it has been comments about the beach volleyball players' physiques- as if he is trying to tell me that I could look like that if I tried- it does the opposite, makes me want cake (not that bad, but you know... )- He means well by trying to get me motivated... BUT.....

I find positive feedback to work better- wow- looking good- even if it is something like your skin is starting to look great- must be the healthy eating- or hey- you are getting pretty strong on the bike rides or something or when she does workout or if it is food related - point out differences (physical or mental- "boy you seem more confident") and to me THAT get me to want to do even more.... make sense or too much babble?

Original Post by joekame:

 So, when she says something like "I lost 3 lbs." I say some @-hole thing like "Well that's great, honey. I'm proud of you. But you would have lost more if you would exercise!"

Now, I know on one hand this is an @-hole thing to do. But I can't really help it. I

You've probably heard this before, BUT...

You really irritated me when you said you can't help it. Who else is in control of your mouth? Someone holding a gun to your head? OF COURSE you can help it!

I'm in a similar situation, as I'm losing weight while my husband (and a daughter) both need to but do not try. However, the first thing is to remember why we love our family members. In your case, soon-to-be family! It's not the weight, any more than it's the color of her hair. If it IS, the relationship is DOOMED!

Then, you have to realize that your partner's looks or efforts are NOT a reflection of you, an attempt to influence you, or under your control. All these feelings can sneak in many attitudes. Encouraging your special someone is great, but demeaning them is an attempt to control by pushing her down! And ultimately it doesn't work, and will push you two apart.

You want a healthy lifestyle, and that includes a healthy wife. BRAVO! That's great! really. But remember, a healthy love life is just as important. She will not feel close to you if she's afraid of your reaction or comments when she tells you something.

 

Yes...it IS an @-hole thing to do/say...and my husband has done it..and I gained MORE weight because I felt ugly, fat and controlled. She has to do it for herself...not for you or to please you. Really. Mind your own business...it's her body and she is in charge of it.

How it makes a person feel when their S.O. behaves the way you have? Like you are saying loudly "I don't like you the way you are...and would PREFER you another way." Big self-esteem crusher. I have myself offered my husband to be cut loose of our relationship over this issue...and I have told him that I would probably QUICKLY lose the weight after he was gone. I am losing more weight when he stays completely OUT of it.

If she asks for your input..that is different.