Motivate my husband?

Hi everyone,

I usually lurk around here, but I was hoping someone could help me out.  I am comfortable with my weight and body - for the most part (5'4, 114-116lb - but I do need to exercise more).  However, my husband is 5'9 and around 200 lb and I'm worried about him (and to be honest, a little mad that I take care of myself to look good and he doesn't care). 

He was very active in high school and then not so much in undergrad.  When he started grad school, he joined a gym, got a trainer, and dropped to about 170 and looked great!  However, when I moved out to join him, he quit going to the gym and in the last year and a half, he's gained all the weight back that he lost and no longer has motivation to work out - at all.

I don't know how to motivate him to do anything - he doesn't want to climb or hike (he used to like this in high school), he doesn't want to even go on a walk around the block - I have to drag him out and even then it's like, once a week.  His only "exercise" is walking from the parking garage to class...and we live in CO where there are only a million things to do as "exercise"!

I haven't said anything to him but he's just not as attractive to me as he was at a lower weight...and I'm worried about his health (he refuses to go to the doctor to get actual numbers) - his grandfather died of a heart attack and his other grandfather has several health problems.

Anyone have any suggestions for how to motivate him without hurting his feelings?

Other issues:

• he's on his own for breakfast and lunch - plus I go to bed first so he usually eats something else after dinner when I'm asleep...
• he doesn't like a lot of veggies (carrots, tomatoes, green stuff) so basically he'll eat mushrooms, onions, cucumbers (ONLY in sushi or fried), dakron (ONLY in sushi or fried), avocados (in sushi or with chips as a dip), corn
• he's a fairly picky eater in general and won't eat something unless he know's whats in it
• I doubt he'd be open to joining CC without some good reason from someone other than me...right now, he has little to no idea that I'm worried about him and unhappy with his weight, he doesn't seem to have any concerns about it

thanks everyone!

I can totally relate!  My husband is about like yours: 5'9 and about 200-205#.  I never nag him about eating healthy or going to the gym, but I always have healthy food at the house, prepare healthy meals when we eat together...He definitely goes on "health kick" phases, where he is all or nothing...either go to the gym every day and eat super healthy, or really not going to the gym at all and not watching his diet at all.

My company insurance has recently begun including yearly physicals for no copay, nothing out of pocket, and I was able to encourage him to go.  here was the kicker for him:  His cholesterol was high 230 I think, and his triglycerides were high, and his blood pressure was high too!  like 150/90 (scared me).  He is 33.  the doc basically told him, lose weight or you'll have to go on meds..

about 6 months later he was down 20#, got his chol down to 180, and bp is normal!  The doctor told him he made his day.  Very rare for a patient to really take his advice to heart (no pun intended)..

I find that the motivation for weight loss and exercising truly has to come from the inside.  If someone is not ready, they are not ready.  I would suggest you have the healthy foods available, offer them.  Offer to exercise with him, encourage him when he does.  Otherwise, nagging or pleading for him to change some of his ways for you does not work.  I have always been what my husband likes to call a "gym rat," and has said that he loves that I am, but that in and of itself never got him off his own butt.

That said, he has gained a few pounds since then, but still manages to go to the gym at least 3 times a week, and consciously eats better daily. 

He did actually buy the book "the flat belly diet" at the doc's suggestion!  I couldn't believe it!

good luck!!!

I have a worse situation.... my husband is also 5'9", but comes to about 275.  I can't offer a lot of encouragement, we have had HUNDREDS of weight/exersise conversations, and what it comes down to is I married him for his personality, not his physique.  Yes it does sortof suck that I love fitness and being healthy, and he doesn't, and yep it would definetly suck if he got health problems because of his weight- but me nagging him just causes more strain on our relationship.  I have learned to accept him as he is and just try to set the best positive example as I can for him, and hopefully some day he will come around. 

Hopefully yours isn't as stubborn as mine :)  ha ha. 

Honestly, you should sit down and talk to him and tell him how you feel. You can focus on it being about his health, or you can flat out tell him it's unattractive. 

But ultimately it is entirely up to him, so really there is nothing you can do about it except talk to him. If he want to do something about it he will, and if he doesn't he wont. 

It doesn't have to be (and shouldn't be) nagging.  Just a simple conversation telling him you are concerned about his health, and then just drop it. 

Thanks for the advice y'all (and support!).  I'll check to see if we get a free yearly physical for him, maybe I can nudge him in if it's free and also perhaps follow karozel's advice and talk to him once, so he knows how I think and then drop it.

keep fingers crossed

with my husband, it just seemed a lot more important coming from the mouth of an MD.  I was surprised that he was up for going in for a physical, but he was! 

No, I agree all good advice is not nagging, but the receiver can sometimes see it that way if they are feeling defensive; and probably may be feeling defensive b/c they know already deep down that they need to lose weight. 

The best we can do as we have all said is lead by example and let them know we love them!!

If something is bothering you just say it to him loud and clear, just like you told us. If you don't matters might get a lot worse. If he doesn't move around  (sedentary job, a lot of time on the couch or in the car) and eats out of boredom or stress it's a good chance he'll become obese and obesity is the mother of a lot of health issues.

Of course sometimes nothing helps, not even being blunt. My dad never listened and now he has a box of insulin pens in the fridge next to the food he's not supposed to be eating but still is, even though it makes him sick and sends him to the doctor over and over again. You just can't reason with some people.

hehe.. I had to bribe my hubby... In a very similar situation..

The hubby likes 'things'... gizmos and gadgets and new brand name sports clothes and shoes... So I casually took him into a sports store where he found all these cool things he liked... and we made a deal that we could buy them all as long as he used them.

And he did.. now he loves it! And it kind of sucks now- he's fitter than me!

Another lurker here.  I was that husband.  5" 9" and 205 on 2/23/09.  No nagging worked on me.  I finally decided that I needed new suits.  When I went in I found my size was a 46 regular, much larger than the 43 regular I was squeezing into.  I also knew people my size and age with diabetes and hypertension and wanted to get a physical but was embarrased to see a doctor in my condition.  I dropped 30 lbs by the end of June using this site and went in for a full physical.  Despite the improvement in weight, my blood sugar was at a pre-diabetic level and blood pressure was high at 130s over 90s.   I'm now at 160 lbs, normal blood pressure and normal blood sugar.  Suit size is down to a 41 regular and had to buy a new wardrobe.   No radical diets, just portion control and eating healthier along with exercise daily.  Started by walking 30 minutes at lunch and graduated to HIIT sprints and weight lifting at home.  Now on week 7 of P90X with my wife and at age 59 I don't remember being this fit.  She is my work-out buddy.  If the husband is a golfer - fit helps.  I just broke 80 for the first time in many years.   I walked the course and had lots of energy afterwards.

Motivation?  You have to want it.  Others can help, but it starts with you. 

Good luck!

What a wonderful and inspiring journey!  Thanks for sharing!

Fesdwino...

Thank you for sharing your story about your weight loss. It is inspiring !

I too, am a worried wife. My husband is 43 (a bit older than me). When we dated and married he was very fit - much more fit than me (I was one of those gals that didn't have to think twice about what I was eating, until I hit my 30's... that extra 15-20 has creeped up on me...which is why I joined the site..to learn how to eat better). 

My husband lifted weights and ran every day.  He was still able to eat whatever he wanted. He than had to have knee surgery due to a skiing accident, and ever since, he has never gotten back into working out.  He has gained 20-30 1bs of weight and has high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Instead of his doctor counseling him on diet and exercise, he gave him blood pressure meds...that aggravated me...because I know I can't tell him to eat healthier...he does just think I'm nagging. 

If I did not grocery shop and he did all the cooking we'd eat pizza, brats, beer, cheese and crackers (can you tell we are from the midwest?), chicken wings, chips and dip, McDonald's, take out...you get the picture.

I'm surprised he's not heavier...which is another reason why he doesn't think he needs to do anything different. He says he's lucky because he has a high metabolism...he's living in a fantasy world! 

We are adopting a child and I am nervous that his health will only get worse and he won't be around to see her grow up, like he says he wants to. he has family history of strokes and heart problems and obesity...He sees his parents and uncles health problems, but he just doesn't see he's heading down that same path.

I don't nag him at all (anymore), I just try to live by example. I now tell him I will not buy the junk food he likes. If he wants it, he has to shop for it. (which he just did tonight..came home from work and he had brats on the grill and chips on the counter with a beer in his hand).

If there is anything else you would suggest , as far as what to say or not say...I would love some advice from a man's perspective.

I just pray and hope he sees what he is doing to his body by eating such bad foods all the time and hope he "sees the light" :)

Thanks!

Mustlooz15:

Thank you for the nice comments.  I wish I had the solution.  It's all about what motivates your husband to action.  For me I knew I had to do something for years but "never got around to it".  The final trigger for me was I just did not want to spend another dollar on expensive clothing in a larger size.  Plus, I was concerned about my health to the point that I wanted to lose some weight before I had a physical.  These were all inward motivators.  Years of comments, suggestions and force feeding of healthy foods by my wife did not work on me.  I'm sure knowing that my wife was concerned about my health was a positive factor, but not the trigger.  If you can figure out what motivates him and try to tie that to the weight and health improvement he needs, you may make some progress.  CC helped me understand that I did not have to give up my favorite foods to lose weight -- I just needed to moderate my consumption.  Relearning portion control was a major help.  I still weigh nearly everything I eat and log and track calories, weight and nutrition.  But that's me.  Everyone is different.  My wife has lost 15 lbs and is down to 115 without using CC.   Her motivation comes from inside and joining in exercise with me helps.  Having a buddy is not a trigger but certainly adds some ongoing motivation. 

Good luck! 

I was that husband for a while. I was 5'6 and 217 pounds.

My wife would occasionally hint at my weight but never said much about it so I actually was ok with it for a while.  Then, she was looking through some old pictures from me in college and I looked as some with her and I saw myself and how fit I was and then looked at myself now and it pissed me off to know that I let myself get like that.  After seeing the picture, I walked upstairs to the scale. I had no idea how much I weighed.  I saw the scale hit 217 and realized I was "winded" from walking about the stairs.

That was all I needed. I drove to the gym that day, joined, and have gone almost every day since. I watch what I eat.  That was a year ago. Today I weigh 160 lbs. and feel great.  Once I started to lose the weight and gain some self-confidence that was all the motivation I needed to continue. My wife was very supportive and always told me how proud she was of me and that kept me going to.