how do you motivate a spouse without offending?

Just wondering if any of you have spouses or partners that are not being responsible about their weight and health even though you set a good example that they support. I am VERY much excluding people who are struggling with weight problems resulting from emotional eating or ed's here. I don't want to offend anyone.

My husband knows that he is over weight and sedentary and he knows that it isn't good for him. He just loves good food in huge portions and hates exercise.  I am trying to make him think about the long term affects of not taking care of him self without offending him or making him feel like I just want some buff guy.  I've had a lot of weight related health issues in my family, and I don't want to see him sick and old at 50.

Thoughts anyone?

ooooh toughy!! well I have been in that situation. Before I got into the gym and my own health my bf was really into fitness/health and it almost offended me. Actually it made me never want to do anything to work out or eat right... don't know why. Well anyways, good luck... the only thing I can say is that maybe just be honest... let him know it would mean a lot to you and to the both of you as a couple to just make some effort for health... ask him to go on hikes. Or start a new tradition (like walking around the block or something after dinner every night).

G'luck!

I too am very interested in the topic. The one thing I have done is:

When I'm reading a magazine (even if the article doesn't apply) I throw out some little tidbit that he needs to be aware of. He listens that way. I only do it once in a while and I haven't seen changes made yet but I can tell from comments he's made that his brain is working on it.

The way I have seen him make changes is through my example. I quit soda and eventually he did too.

I wish I had better advice for you. Not only to help you but to help my bf.

I'll be watching this thread!!!! Thanks for posting it~!

This sounds EXACTLY like my husband.  He's great about eating healthier snacks when I have them in the house but he's also more likely to bring home tempting treats.  He's certainly not trying to sabotage.  I just don't think he's thinking about it at the store and such.

All I do is ask him regularly (often several times/week) if he wants to go for a walk or bike ride with me.  He doesn't often agree to it but when he does, it's a victory.  I mentioned taking up jogging and reminded him, "hey, didn't you used to run?  maybe we should start that together as the summer ends and weather is cooler."  I haven't gotten a definitive "yes" but I have gotten him to start thinking about it, which is great.  Making it more appealing by starting it in the fall instead of mid-summer makes a victory more likely.

It's so tough and I wish I had a good answer for you.  I would love to stay in touch with you about this issue.  Good luck!

Thanks guys, I didn't think I was the only one with this problem...lol

Littlemalynda, I can totally see how you felt this way when your bf was into health and fitness. As someone who also is, I just KNOW that some people think I'm judgmental of others who are not. Really I'm not! I just love to talk about things that matter to me...this is one of those culturally difficult subjects for some though. Anyone who is into fitness MUST be a condescending snob, almost in the same way that "visibly" unfit (because thin people can be unfit too) MUST be lazy. Oh we're hard on ourselves and each other aren't we?

But I digress....

fortunately my husband doesn't put all that garbage into it. I'm just trying to be sensitive so I don't turn him off of it like you were littlemalynda. I want him to find his own zest for it. And use me as a source of motivation!

We do go on hikes together when we can, and a can USUALLY get him to come on bike rides with our daughter and I on the weekends. (she and I ride every day on a tandum bike. Best thing ever!!!) It's just not enough you know?

Well this will be an interesting thread, thanks all...

Hi wing,

Yeah I'm not sure what motivated me to change my mind. But slowly over time I found friends to go walking with... and then now I am a gym rat and in the best shape of my life. But it's weird... something about being overweight and having low-selfesteem sandwiched together gave me some "haterism" towards those who are physically fit and healthy. Slowly the first thing that changed me was diet. After a year of getting into eating right and losing weight without really trying, I wanted to be more active. Now I love it. Unfortunately, I am no longer with my ex bf, and I really got into dieting after we broke up.

well, I really hope you can get some great answers though!! :).

Wing,

You're right - you don't want to offend, so you can't be pushy about it. My husband wants to eat better, just like me, but just like kthompson, he'll bring home "snacks" when he makes a run to the grocery store. Chips, soda, and the like.

I started shopping in the organic section at the store. My husband at first was, not against it, but thought it unnecessary. I told him that I wanted to do everything I could to make sure that I see our son's children and their children before I go upstairs. After a few pieces of organic fruit, realizing the true taste of food - the way it's supposed to taste - and he was hooked.

I stopped buying the unhealthy snack food and I make the short stops myself, instead of sending him. When there's nothing bad in the house, they have to eat healthy.

I keep A LOT of fruits and veggies on hand for snacking, and I try to come up with new recipes to keep meals interesting. It took a couple of months - baby steps - but now we're totally in sync with everything.

I wish you the best of luck. You can't force it or make his mind up for him, but you can keep more healthy choices readily available, eat out less often, go to the grocery store on your own if you have to!

Let me start by saying, in many ways I am that guy. :)  I know I'm overweight and overly sedentary... but I really like good food and find exercise quite dull.  (I've been quite well the last 3 weeks, but that's hardly a trend yet...)  Here are my thoughts on what may work, and what almost certainly won't work.

Won't Work (not suggesting that you are doing any of these things)

1) Being (or, perhaps more fairly, appearing to be) a nag. Even if we know our wives mean well, most guys simply won't respond well if we feel like we are being nagged to do something.

2) Expecting us to follow a lifestyle that is significantly different than the rest of the family.  Even if he's the only one that needs to lose weight, he needs the family's support. Don't expect him to cheerfully climb on the wagon if the rest of the family is having ice cream for dessert (or whatever).

3) Hinting at what you would like to see him do.  (Face it... guys aren't all that subtle, so most of us don't naturally pick up on subtlety well... )

Might work

1) Find something you can do together - especially if it doesn't feel like exercise.  For me, at least, there is a tangible difference between playing a sport and "just exercising."  (Tennis? Boxing on the Nintendo Wii? Long walks in the park? Something.)

2) Make it a challenge or competition somehow.  The thing that go me started was a competition with some friends of mine with a financial reward at the end for whoever does the best at reaching their goals.  That challenge could be with you, or it could be against somebody else (work buddies? family members? whatever).

3) Remind him *why* you want him to lose weight.  ("Honey, I love you just the way you are.  I just don't want to lose you down the road because of this.")  If it comes across as a problem of him "not being good enough" for you, he'll probably push back... but if he's so good that you can't stand to lose him, who could argue with that?

4) Make it more rewarding for him than his current state.  Of course, that has to be by making the end result desirable, not making the current state miserable.  (See #1, "no nagging" above.   ("Once you've lost ten pounds, let's..."  "Let's save some money as we're going along so once you've lost 25 pounds you can reward yourself with good tickets to a football game...", etc.)

In the end, of course, you *can't* control what he decides to do.  If he just isn't interested in losing weight, then you as his spouse can't MAKE him be interested.  All you can do is be encouraging, and loving, and as helpful as possible.

And now I'm done rambling on. :D

Thank you for the advice, ledgehanger! It makes perfect sense now that you say it. I'm thinking of all of those articles that tell us how to motivate ourselves to change (giving ourselves rewards for goals, making it less work more fun and have the support of others).

Makes me look at those articles in an entirely new way!!!!

I really appreciate this AND IF I could tell my bf he would too. Eventually, when he sees a reward!

I've decided to sign us up for family (I have a son) martial arts program then tell him he's VERY welcome but it isn't required. I'm going to make a point of talking about all the benefits and how much I enjoy it. Eventually, he'll be interested and try it himself. It's a start!!!

Thanks again!

ledgehanger- please keep checking in with this thread and advising/updating us.  It's all much appreciated!!

I made 2 small victories last night.  After reading this thread, I was inspired to start some more conversations about weight loss.  I told DH, "I'm very concerned about BOTH of our health and weight."  His response, "I'm concerned too.  I think getting outside and doing something today was good for both of us."  He had gone to the range to shoot with friends while I took step-daughter to the pool.  So, there was some mutual acknowledgment and accountability there.

Then, he asked how much $ the V8 berry blend I buy cost.  I told him it was about $3.50 a bottle but reminded him it was worth it b/c each glass had a serving of fruits and vegetables which we don't get enough of.  He agreed it was worth the expense and said he really likes it too!!

I recently bought Jessica Seinfeld's cookbook "Deceptively Delicious" and am trying to learn to cook with additional veggies to increase family's healthfulness.  I am up front with them about this: we need more fiber, vitamins, and veggies so I want to try these recipes to see which ones we like.  Step-daughter is the healthiest of all of us but she has some of our bad habits which could catch up with her in later years so we're trying to stop that now.  She read through the cookbook and told me which recipes she wants me to try. 

WE'RE ON OUR WAY!

WOW I am so glad I started this thread!

Ledgehanger, thank you for your insights. I think that we are moving in the right directions together without me nagging, but I really like your suggestions. When he does decided to really come around I hope it will be easy because he's the only one not eating well right now. ie no ice cream under his nose while the rest of us get it ;) it's just our 5yo and us two.

This is a question that I would like to pose to you and to anyone (probably everyone) that has the issue of time management.  He comes home from a stressful job and just wants to unwind in his way...and play with our daughter. Unfortunately, his way of unwinding is to sit at the computer and play games or read forums...(ahemmm) not that any of that is bad or something that I want him to stop doing. it's just that that is what he does at work too, so hence the sitting at a computer all day.

I don't know, we have talked a little about it. He is a very reasonable, logical thinker so he knows that things need to change if they aren't going to get worse. Right now he would be healthy if he lost 30lb (an that's not going to give him a gym body...) he would be healthy. If this doesn't change soon, it will be 100lb in a couple of years and major health problems.

So far he's been making better food choices at work and not having as much "junk" after work. We just need to get that workout in....

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate this community. You're a great lot!

His choosing better food options is a success right there! Changes for the better have to start some where.

I'm so happy for you and doubly happy for him!

I made pork chops tonight.  Big, old Iowa chops that are 10-15 oz. of meat.  His chop was probably 13 oz or so and HE ONLY ATE HALF.  The step-daughter and I shared a smaller chop and each only ate 3-4 oz. of meat.  He would normally down a whole chop, but he didn't.  Maybe good habits are paying off.

Today was a huge victory for us!  We went grocery shopping together and planned our week's menu.  We have tons of fruits and veggies to accompany each meal.  We bought some healthy snacks for me and he didn't buy anything that would be too tempting to me.  Not all the meals will be the essence of health (tuna helper, brats) but with all the fruits and veggies accompanying them and planning to cook less food than usual, we know we're on the right track.  For instance, we bought one steak that is only about 12 oz. (step daughter at her mom's this week) so it would be impossible for him to have more than 6-8 oz depending on my serving.  Normally, I could eat 10 or more oz. and he could eat at least 12.  We also bought brats but plan to serve them with mixed veggies and canned fruit with splenda instead of us each having 2 brats and a huge serving of potato chips.  I also probably won't have mine on a bun.  We are working slowly but together.  Go us!

I always speak about "our" weight problem affecting things like sex and travel.

What really did it for him was when I said I was worried he wouldn't be around to care for me anymore and I'd be all alone.  Since my husband is the best husband in the world, he took that seriously.  He wouldn't do it for his own health but he would do it to care for me. 

And for better sex!

My husband never thought he had a weight problem... until he would see pictures of himself and comment on how fat his face looked.

I decided I was going to set out to lose weight and start eating healthy - by overhauling our cupboards and fridge... he has sort of been forced into eating healthy.  I cook low calorie lean meals and we have no chips or snacks really in the house.  We have also cut a lot of alcohol out.

A few weeks later - he saw another picture of himself and commented on how much better he looked.  I nudged him and see - see bebe... it really does work.  He has been telling me how much better I look and I throw in a ~wow your face looks thinner~ every now and then.

Small positive comments and seeing results has led him to actually starting trying himself.  He not longer eats fast food - he orders a healthy sandwich for lunch if he's out... and he's cut his portions down.

So for me - it was taking him along with me for the ride.... making nice comments about his loss and by him seeing some results. 

I think its hard (from experience) to be told "You're fat, you need to lose weight" - never worked for me.  I would just go eat to make myself feel better. 

This made me laugh my but off!

husband: "Have you noticed that I've been trying to eat better?"

me: "I have actually!"

husband: "cause I have you know..."

me: "so do you have a goal? something short term to go for?  ...I find that keeps me on track"

husband: "Ya I have a goal"

me: "oh great! what is it?"

husband: "to keep you happy!"

I almost peed myself!

good ques!!

I am having this prob with my bf at the mo. I am the one needing to loose weight and he kept making comments to motivate me that actually rele offended me.

I've realised now that personally I respond better if he is encouragin e.g. if he says something like ' wow you stomach is looking a bit thinner' then I am more motivated to go and exercise and i think it is helping. on the other hand if he says ' babe i think ya need to go exercise- you haven't lost much in a while' i think hey this isnt working so give up!

I guess it depends on personality!

Are you engaged to joekame, demanding_munch?

His post and discussion on this topic - from a guy's perspective - might be interesting to  you...

http://caloriecount.about.com/forums/post/111 677.html

Whats worked for me and my BF is to give each other space - and also positive feedback.  If I notice he looks thinner (even only a little) I'll let him know he is looking great.  Also, as extra incentive, when he gets under 200 we are going to his favorite restaurant.  If I'm going for a walk I always invite him, but if he doesn't want to go I don't make him feel bad about it. 

The reality may be that your husband will never be passionate about fitness and exercising in the way that you are.   I would say, be glad that his goal is to make you happy!  Not as ideal as him being motivated for himself, but the results are the same!

I have this problem, too. My man is highly unmotivated and he is really sensitive about his weight. I have learned that I CAN'T make him do something he is not ready to commit to!

My plan is to lead by example. I've lost 28 lbs since Feb. and he has certainly noticed. The more weight I lose, the more he says, "Oh I really need to lose weight, too." I tell him how great I feel and how nice it is to be in a size 8 again! He sees how much more confident and happy I am now. He wants that too, even if he doesn't say it.

I cook healthy dinners and try to encourage him to eat nutritious foods the rest of the day. Once in a while I'll pack him a lunch to take to work and he really appreciates me taking care of him!  Now he's lost about 10-15 lbs without trying, and his pants are baggier on him, which he likes! He still has a long way to go, and is not motivated to exercise on a regular basis, but I just keep on with my healthy routine and hope that he will join me!

Just keep living your healthy lifestyle and include him in as much as you can. Try to make it fun. He'll see that the changes you've made are making your life better, making YOU healthier, happier, sexier, and more confident. He will want those things for himself, too.