How do I motivate my wife?

My wife and I have been married for 6 years now and she was beautiful when I married her (120 lbs.)  I still love her greatly but I wish she would join me in losing some weight.  I am guessing she is around 180 now but she won't say and I'm scared to ask her.  She is a "stay at home Mom"  We have 2 kids, 6 and 2 years old.  She recently joined a gym for women in the area but has only gone once.  She says she is always too tired to go.  She's a really picky eater and does not seem interested in counting calories.  She says she is tired of hearing me talk about it.  I've lost 20 lbs. since Jan. 2, 2007 and am on my way to my goal of 220 (60 more to go).  Do you think she will join me when I get closer to my goal?  The one thing that I feel I cannot do is mention anything to her about needing to lose weight or that I think she might be overweight.  It would hurt her feelings.  Any suggestions?

Just don't push her. Don't even ask.
Once she sees your great progress maybe she will join in. Maybe make a healthy dinner once in awhile that you know she will enjoy.

After I reached my 30 lb mark a few months ago my boyfriend decided to join me in the new year (ok, he's letting me cook for him and count calories) and has lost 15 since then.

be patient.

Just don't you dare mention her needing to lose weight. or even drop hints. It will make her mad. I am 99.99999% sure. And chances are she will blatantly refuse out of spite and will probably actually gai weight cause she'll be so upset and turn to food like girls are apt to do. 

I knew that was coming.   I will just have to wait and see.  I would absolutely count her calories for her and cook her meals.  She has gained about 10 lbs. a year for the last few years which is about 100 calories a day too much.  That is not much but it adds up over time.  I have told her time and time again how EASY this stuff is, but not in a way that suggests she should do it.  It takes me less than 5 minutes a day at my Excel spreadsheet.

I agree 100% with sarah_11235.  Just let her be.  Remember, this beautiful woman has had two children in 6 years - it reeks havoc on your physical being - believe me.  She will come around I am sure but right now she's running after two children all day and is tired. 

The more you push, the more she will back away.  Guaranteed.  But, I'm sure you did not marry a stupid woman and she will, at some point, come around.

just have a question for you.  what type of physical activity did you guys do before having kids?  What are things she enjoys?
Not sex! LOL


my husband and I love to hike so that is one of our favorite ways to exercise.

you cant make someone do it....they have to want it.  I have tried to get my mom interested and tried everything with her.  One day she called me, she had just met with a trainer! I had finally backed off and now she is meeting a trainer!

oh and being a mom of a 5 year old and a 3 yr. old...also a  stay at home mom....we are tired!  you have to help her have the time!  Find out what time of the day she has the most energy and if she ever says she feels like she wants to exercise or go for a walk or something....stop what you are doing and let her.  If she knows you are willing to help out..that will help motivate her.

I'm not sure how you can turn this around since you may have already given her the impression that changing your entire diet/lifestyle around is "easy".

HOWEVER, if possible, let her know that you're having a hard time doing it all by yourself (even if it's a lie) and ask for her help.
Tell her you'll be more motivated if you do it together, tell her you'll show her it all and answer all her questions with proof.

You probably won't turn her over night, so... probably show her one small thing a day and keep it logged on the computer or something.

I don't know how you felt when you first started, but this feels very overwhelming to me.

My mom keeps making snarky comments about my Dad's gut, it really hurts him.  She has no idea she is being cruel, but that is my mom >>;.

I think he'd be willing to diet with her again if she made the effort to extend the suggestion more than once.

You wife will probably be shocked how many calories she needs and how many she is consuming.

I know I felt pretty ill when I found out.

Lead by example and hopefully she will follow but  do NOT say that she needs to lose weight.  Unless you like sleeping on the couch! :o)

Maybe get a sitter and take her on an "active" date - bowling, a romantic walk somewhere, a hike to a place with a view for a special healthy picnic. Your picnic can be lots of frutis and veggies, a healthy sandwich, wine if it's your thing.  Then it's not about weight loss at all.  It's about time together.  Any weight loss will be a side benefit!

My boyfriend is in great shape and very active, much more active than I am. It drives me crazy when he makes suggestions about what I should be doing but what works is when he picks out something active for both of us to do, like kayaking or going to the driving range, so it's not about getting in shape but just being active and spending time together. If you could pick out some things to do either just the two of you, like kallie67 suggested, or as a family to start teaching your kids to be active. It is really hard when you've gained weight to get the energy to add in exercise but the unfortunate truth is exercise is the only way to get more energy!

good point about the kids.

We take our kids on hikes with us.  last May they hiked up a 1 mile high Mt. without us helping them!  This sets a great example for your kids too!

exercise is alot more fun when you dont realize you are doing it.

If she is so tired from caring for the kids, perhaps she is burning quite a few calories already...thus, she could start with only counting calories and then begin exercising. Baby steps!

As a mom of 2 (ages 8 and 6) it took me SO long to loose the weight from pregnancy, not to mention the other weight I put on (that I'm still working on).  The worst thing for me would be if my husband was not encouraging!  But, he is not the right person to keep me accountable for weight goals, I need to know he loves me exactly the way I am (which today is smaller than a year ago).  I would look for a friend who can motivate your wife, someone she can work out with.  Give her time away from the kids.  I love my gym time each day cuz it's just me, no interruptions, no one needs me during that time.  Also, I found that excercise is an anti-depressant for me, something most moms need.

I wouldn't say anything either, let her come to the conclusion on her own when she's ready. If she's a stay at home mother with two young children, she probably has little time to look after herself.

I would recommend giving her a day at the spa, personally. She'll have time on her own and pampering her body may motivate her to make more time for herself.

My husband couldn't stop commenting on my big butt and brick thighs, even indirectly (like pointing out to girls who got skinny legs etc). Drives me nuts. I hate that. But ya know. That was what got me going. That was what gave me the slap on my face.

In the beginning, I resented his comments (still do) and resented those 'skinny bitches' :p

Then rational mind kicked in and instead of being resentful, which is counterproductive, I started to get going. I want to be able to fit in those skinny jeans, I want OTHER men to point at me to their companion with compliment. Thus my fitness journet started. I call it the Revenge Fitness/Diet (Hollywood just started to coin that phrase, I've been doing this since last year).

I know I am saying something different from other people here, but sometimes, short of being direct & to the point, some people just wont get it. (Please differentiate this from nagging. Nagging is non direct and annoying). It hurts and can turn to resentment, but sometimes that what it takes.

One thing I want to mention, my husband also said that he knew that I could improve, and could be better physically, and there should not be any reason why I didn't want to look good, shouldn't there?

Good luck, dude.

If your wife is too tired to do to the gym, maybe that's a sign that you should help her more around the house so she doesn't get to be so tired.  I know it's hard to understand how someone who stays at home and watches the kids all day could be so exhausted, but trust her.  One way to help her more around the house could be to cook dinner.  This way, not only are you giving her the opportunity to relax, but it's a great opportunity to cook healthy, low-cal dishes.  If you can't control what she's eating during the day, at least you can help control what she is eating at night.  But, don't push her into dieting.  The only thing that will accomplish is pushing her away.  You have to be ready for change and obviously, she's not ready.

I myself am a stay at home mom of a 6 and a 2 yr old. I always hated my weight and my husband kept saying to me: "do something about it." Well I would just get hurt or upset by him and just feel less attractive.(not his fault) I had to figure it out for myself and I am sure she will too. Having young kids and staying with them all the time is a very stressful thing to do. I think after she see's your progress, she will want to do the same. I also liked the idea of cooking for her, it's a very sweet gesture and also healthy! How could you get any better than that!!!

Hope it all works out.

All women want to believe that you love us for more than just our pretty face and slim waist.

If it's really only a 100 calorie a day difference, then forget about calorie counting and start a nightly ritual of walking around the neighborhood together with the kids in the stroller.

There is no magic phrase or special way to put it take it from me i was in her spot. I love my boyfriend and he loves me but over the last 6 years i have went from 173 to close to 200 and it was a sore point for us. we fought we pulled away we even seperated for a while.....then the drastic happened my Father died of a weight related illness. what an eye opener for me. weight is such a personal issue and a tender one. I am currently trying to motivate my sister who is bigger then me to do something about her weight before the drastic happens to her....

Love your wife the way she is but help her understand that you want more years with her and to ensure that she will need to join you in your healthier life style. If she ever becomes open to the conversation explain to her that the more a person weighs the more they increase their health risks such as Diabetes, which will kill you one limb at a time...

 Try to plan trips on the weekend that are family oriented hikes, parks, bike rides,..take over the shopping and make sure your house only has the healthier options. Maybe you could see if her friends or family would be willing to help you talk to her or encourage her to join you. Your wife may see the changes in you and want that for herself and when she indicates that she does jump all over it. if she bought a membership at a womens gym ask her if she wouldn't mind canceling in for a gender neutral gym so that if she chooses not to go then you can. ...

I also know that one of my biggest motivators is that the more weight I lose the more new clothes I get to buy. Maybe you could  try to bring up the subject by talking about an outfit that you know she still has but doesn't fit and a time you were very attracted to her in it. ...good luck

well, ask yourself this.. do you want her to lose weight for you to be more attracted to her...so you can get your hot woman back?  Or, because you are care about her well being and about her health..? 

ask yourself both questions..and see which one "weighs more" on your scale of improtance.

I think you know which one would hurt her feelings for reasons that you want her to join you in your weight goals.

If you don't already, maybe you could take a more active role without saying a thing...You can help with the grocery shopping and cooking...that way you can choose healthy foods to keep in the house and you will all benefit...On the weekends, maybe partake in a family activity where you can all be active together...Even if it's something like bowling, or going on a bike ride, taking a dance class with your wife...By taking steps towards a healthier lifestyle for everyone, you don't have to accidentally insult your wife or hurt her feelings by bringing up her weight.

Best of luck to you! :)

Great advice everyone, unfortunately I didn't hear anything I don't already know.  I can't expect her to even think about losing weight until I get in shape.  After all, I was skinny when we met, now 60 lbs. later I shouldn't even be talking.  I know I will get there, my goal is November 2007.  Maybe she will get there someday too.