Motivation for chores

If anyone has any good ideas I really could use them.  My 10 yr old is becoming impossible and I'm out of options.  I've tried chore charts, stickers, small tasks, and just about everything recommended in a lot of books.  None of it, even sticking to it now has done anything.  We're about to lose out on a family vacation because her room (she shares with her sisters) just simply can't stay clean.  My son's room does stay clean.  They play in there also so I just don't see why we can't get more organized in there.

Her behavior has my other kids getting in the "if she doesn't have to" camp when they don't exactly get that it's not condoned and she's losing allowance and being punished.  I just want my oldest back on track.  I want her to be proud of her room.  They just got new blankets/sheets and a hamper as well as a curtain to coordinate with it.  I'll be painting when it stays clean so I *can* get around in there.  I wanted the girls to help paint as well because that would be fun (i thought) and it just doesn't seem to motivate her.

I can't keep going in there every other day and taking hours to clean up just that room.  I could but I guess I should say I won't do it.  I don't mind a few things out.... I don't mind a little mess but this is not little and I can't handle it anymore.  If I'm in there for hours on end you don't want to know what happens to the rest of the house.  I'm in a losing battle and out of answers.  Anyone got any ideas?

Well, I have a hard time keeping the house clean, even before kids, so I may not be the best person to give advice, but here's some ideas...

• With my kids (2 & 5), sometimes I make them pick up what they were playing with before they can have a snack.  Not that I condone starving children into submission - but a good snack is a good motivator.  You might enforce a "Pick up before TV or video games" rule.
• Maybe it is just too overwhelming to her - have you tried breaking it into smaller tasks to do each day, like "Put dirty clothes in hamper", "Put shoes in closet", etc?
• Stickers probably isn't that motivating for a 10 year old - it doesn't even motivate my little ones.  Something cool that she can work toward might be a big thing.  Say 50 cents each day she keeps her room clean toward a video game?
• A family vacation being taken away seems like you are punishing everyone except the child that is not motivated for it.  If at all possible, I would try to find a way to go ahead and have the vacation without losing too much face as a parent.

I have used the if you don't pick it up then obviously its not important to you so its going in the garbage line and that works (worked for me as a kid too).  Now that they are older (late teens/early 20's) I refuse to clean their rooms - they do their own laundry and I keep the doors shut.  They eventually do clean it themselves when they run out of clothes.  But if they leave their stuff lying around anywhere in the house they know that I will either throw it out if its not picked up after the first time I ask or it will get tossed into the rooms with all the other squallor. I sometimes feel sorry for anyone they might live with but then I was like that at one point in my life too.

Maybe she's testing you to see if you will follow through on the cancelled family vacation.  Perhaps you could arrange for her to stay at her least favorite relatives while you're away.  A mini-boot camp.

Original Post by lynnmm1961:

I have used the if you don't pick it up then obviously its not important to you so its going in the garbage line and that works (worked for me as a kid too).  Now that they are older (late teens/early 20's) I refuse to clean their rooms - they do their own laundry and I keep the doors shut.  They eventually do clean it themselves when they run out of clothes.  But if they leave their stuff lying around anywhere in the house they know that I will either throw it out if its not picked up after the first time I ask or it will get tossed into the rooms with all the other squallor. I sometimes feel sorry for anyone they might live with but then I was like that at one point in my life too.

Maybe she's testing you to see if you will follow through on the cancelled family vacation.  Perhaps you could arrange for her to stay at her least favorite relatives while you're away.  A mini-boot camp.

 Good ideas.

Is cancelling a family vacation a punishment that fits the crime? I have to agree with the others who have said it's a bit much. It's not fair to punish the entire family for her misdeeds. lynnmm1961 makes an excellent suggestion with leaving her with relatives while the rest of the family vacations. Still, I'm not sure that fits either.

We've had great success with breaking the cleaning up into smaller tasks like puh8suwrux suggested. We help our daughter (who's only 4) clean her room by sitting in there with her and telling her things she can do until she's picked everything up.

We also make a point to go through all her toys every three months or so and pick some to donate, hand down to her brother or sell in the next garage sale. It keeps her toy collection from getting out of control (and it would be thanks to being a third of the grandchildren with both sets of grandparents living locally!).

It might just be something you have to watch over her like a hawk to get done. I was that way as a kid. My parents had to ground me in order to get me to clean my room and even then, I just shoved it all in my closet.

I can't tell you what I will do in that situation 'cause mine isn't out yet, but I can tell you what my mom did that finally kicked me into high gear as a kid.

I never cleaned my room because I figured it was only going to get messy again tomorrow depending on what adventure I was going on.  When my mom wanted to teach me something about responsibility, she started taking the family every year to Cedar Point, and started us on an allowance so we'd have our own money to spend there.  If you didn't keep your room clean to her standards, you lost a dollar from your total.  If you made it to no dollars, you went to Cedar Point empty handed.

That didn't bother me.  I was like, seven.  What the hell was I going to do with a handful of money when there were rides to go on anyway? 

What did get me was when we got back from Cedar Point, my mom cleaned my room *her* way.  I had a bed, a pillow, a blanket, and a dresser.  I learned pretty frickin' quick how to keep my room clean.

Thanks everyone.  Sending her to visit with family isn't possible so right now it's just finding something to motivate her.  Threatening the loss of money, especially with the news we're going to Disney for a day while on vacation has somewhat sparked her.

Their computer is coming out here and if they don't do their chores then they won't get to use it.  More controlled.  And so they just can't randomly log on, I have their power cord.  Hate going there but it has to be done.

It's different for myself and my husband since the only reminder we needed was whatever kitchen utensil mom happened to have handy...or the fear of dad's belt.  Neither of us will ever go there.  Even today I'm still afraid of my dad.  My room was spotless though.

I don't think there's a magic solution.  My daughter (now 29 years old and superbly organized and tidy most of the time) wasn't the best at keeping her room tidy.  I tried everything from being the "room fairy" when I'd clean her room while she slept to making her do it to scooping up a ton of stuff and taking it to Goodwill.  Looking back, I can say it's definitely not worth getting upset about.  Whenever things become a bit of a power struggle, it's harder to make progress.  Kids today have so much stuff!  I know I didn't have as much when I was a kid, but I still remember how overwhelming a task cleaning my room seemed to be.  Maybe putting some things not used as frequently into storage perhaps on the higher closet shelves might free up some space.  Working together to help her get into the swing of things might be helpful.  If you can stand it, letting things be during the week and then having a cleaning blitz on the weekend might provide some harmony.  One of the best ideas I heard of was from the mother of one of my daughter's friends.  She took a clean garden rake and raked everything together into one big pile (especially good for use in children's rooms where there's a lot of "rubble"--you know, happy meal toys, Barbie stuff and the like). You can scoop it all into a container for an instant improvement, then either save it for sorting (maybe as kids are falling asleep) or a stealthy mom can store it all in the garage to see what's needed/missed and retrieve as appropriate.  Half the time, most of the rubble isn't missed, which just goes back to too much stuff!  Way too long a response, but good luck and enjoy this time--so fleeting and will be missed, even the messy room:) 

Hi, I am a mommy of two kids (3 and 4).  We are a military family and my husband is constantly deployed or away at training. I am everything for my children and my household when hubby is gone.  I had the same problem with my children for the first deployment. 

I used the throw away threat and followed through on a few occasions... and I hit them where it hurt... I found their favorite toys, put them in a trash bag and gave them to my neighbor for safe keeping LOL... (toys are expensive and I didn't have the heart to throw them away).  I gave alot of toys away too. 

 After about a month, and most of their toys gone they got bored and wanted new toys. I refused to buy new toys when they didn't put away their old ones... every night before bed I implemented the rule clean rooms before bed (with trash bag in hand just in case lol).  I had to monitor their cleaning for the first week and if they cleaned their rooms well with no fighting by the end of the week I would let them have back a toy or get them a new cheap one. 

My suggestion since she is older, go through her room and simplify the clutter... Get rid of the things that are not necessary or age appropriate. Give her a very small box of toys even if you put things in the attic, garage, yard sale, or a friends/families house. Just get it out of sight. Take away things that she loves but doesn't take care of.    It also helps to get a friend or someone not of the family to help... Other people not related are great at getting rid of stuff lol... (they don't have as much emotional attachment). No more happy meal clutter lol... The less stuff in the room, the easier it is to keep it clean.

I would implement the rule clean-up before bed.  I have the rule for the whole house. I have to, I am the only one here to clean it and the house is picked up just in case I have a surprise visitor the next day. I save the main cleaning in the daytime.  When she obeys the rules for a while, then you can add back to her treasure trove of stuff... When she is faithful with the little... She'll be faithful with a lot. Mama means Business LOL.

I also make my kids help me clean house... They are little so they can dust and pick up clutter.  The technic has worked for me for over 2 years now... Yeah I started with them young, but man did they have attitude lol... I do still help them clean-up from time to time, but it's never as bad as it was in the beginning. Now they each have the biggest rubbermaid box you can buy as their toy box and clean up is never an issue.

You don't have to punish the rest of the family by taking away the vacation, that is a precious memory in the making. But I would implement clean up for all the kids. The beginning is the hardest and sometimes emotional taxing but it is worth it in the end.

I hope I helped and have fun on your vacation.

here is what we do to motivate our oldest.  When we are at the store, he picks out something that he wants.  We buy it.  It then goes into "the store of mom & dad".  He gets "paid" for the things he does around the house, cleaning room, picking up toys, setting the table, things like that.  He ears different amounts for everthing.  Basic things that every family member should be doing are $.25.  If he takes all of his dirty clothes down to the laundry room he'll get $.50.  If he does a job without being asked, the value of the job jumps $.25.  you get the jist.  He adds up the money, which we track on a dry erase  board in stead of giving him actual cash since we have already purchased the item he wants.  When he has enough on the board, he gets the item.  It seems to really motivate him.  And there have been times when he's been saving for something big, that costs $20-25.00 and something for $10.00 has caught his eye in the store nd he's bought it, but had to take the money away from the bigger item. 

It works on a couple levels.  It teaches him to work for his money, and already having the items in sight motivate him to want to "earn" the money and keep his things picked up!

Thanks again all.  I don't do packrat behavior at all... after being military and so many moves I just can't seem to 'hang on to' anything that isn't really important.  My mom...oh geez total opposite.  Packing their house we still had ALL my kindergarten art work.

I've got their toy bins out and we're going through for a Goodwill drop.  Doing the same with clothing I know we don't need and school uniform stuff that's too small is being packed away for next year for my littlest.  With luck the trash bag routine and packing it away might help her.

Once the totes are cleaned out then she'll have more room to put things away.  They are a little cluttered right now.  Not a lot of junk so we'll just switch to favorite toys right now and see if maybe that will be easier for her to keep track of.

It may just be something you have to live with.

I HATED cleaning my room as a child and my mother and fought and fought about it she resorted to every tactic in the book, she would sit and watch me I would sit on the bed and do nothing hating her every minute she was there, she would ground me I would go out anyways with the logic well she can ground me for eternity eventually I'll move out and it will be all erased, she would physically drag me into my room take everything out and throw it away I didn't care it just made me hate her more for trying to control my space.  To this very day ( I am now 29 ) I do not keep a clean bedroom, laundry is all over the floor and I never make the bed ( it drives my husband nuts lol ) and I do not have a good relationship with my mother she was so controlling and we fought from when I was about 10 until I moved away for university, every thing she says or asks of me instantly makes me want to do the opposite.  My brother and her on the other hand are the best of friends, he just always did what she said and smiled.  Mother daughter relationships are very different then mother son relationships.

I wouldn't fight and make such a big deal about it - let her feel like it's her own space and give her some privacy and independence and stop going into her room at all.  At 10 yrs old she isn't a baby anymore and the more you fight her the more strain it will put on your relationship.

Tell her if she wants her room painted then it has to be clean and if she doesn't clean it simply won't be painted.  Maybe she doesn't even want it painted who picked out the new bedroom furnishings?

Tell her if she wants her laundry done to have it all in a hamper and by the laundry machine on laundry day, she may end up wearing dirty clothes for a couple of weeks but once the kids at school tease her she will make sure it's ready for the wash.

She actually picked the furniture out with her sister and now hates it.  Trying to get them something else but $ isn't quite there for it.  Paint, I can spring for.  They're waffling between aqua, pink and purple so until they figure that out I'll be waiting.  Even if they narrow it to 2 colors we can go there and alternate walls.

It's looking better in there.  We haven't found the lost city of atlantis in the closet yet so I guess that's a good thing.   And with luck they'll help finish it tomorrow so the whole trash bag terminator bit is avoided.

In sitting and talking to her she's just overwhelmed despite me trying to help so I'll just step in a little more and help with baby steps.  Was different for me as a kid since by her age my mom was already very sick and I *had* to do things for myself.  Thanks everyone again for all the suggestions and battle stories too.  Helps knowing you're not the only one and that the whole messy thing is normal and it's going to be fine!

Original Post by ladyduece:

She actually picked the furniture out with her sister and now hates it.  Trying to get them something else but $ isn't quite there for it.  Paint, I can spring for.  They're waffling between aqua, pink and purple so until they figure that out I'll be waiting.  Even if they narrow it to 2 colors we can go there and alternate walls.

It's looking better in there.  We haven't found the lost city of atlantis in the closet yet so I guess that's a good thing.   And with luck they'll help finish it tomorrow so the whole trash bag terminator bit is avoided.

In sitting and talking to her she's just overwhelmed despite me trying to help so I'll just step in a little more and help with baby steps.  Was different for me as a kid since by her age my mom was already very sick and I *had* to do things for myself.  Thanks everyone again for all the suggestions and battle stories too.  Helps knowing you're not the only one and that the whole messy thing is normal and it's going to be fine!

 That really helps me too!  I start feeling really guilty because of my filthy house, and sometimes I think I am setting unrealistic expectations on myself and my kids.  Of course, I am a lazy neat-freak, so where do you go from there?

It's awesome that you actually sat down and talked with her and were able to figure out what was going on.  I hope I can do that when my girls are that old!

reward your son for having a clean room and reward yourself for having a clean room... and make sure its a reward your daughter wants.... if she wants it she has to be clean like you! (sorry I didnt get a chance to read the other posts)